Chapman Republicans Holiday Debate Topic Submission: Why Michelle Obama is Actually Just a Life-Size Cake.

There’s a common debate among patriotic, well-intentioned Americans regarding a conspiracy that Michelle Obama is actually a man named Michael. This is utter nonsense that insults our intelligence and totally misrepresents our values. 

Now, let’s get into the real questions we should be asking: is Michelle Obama a human or is she made of cake? 

Consider literally any picture of her. Look at it. She’s not moving. You tell me with 100% certainty that that is not just an extremely well crafted, artisan made, state of the art baked good. A wax figure, if you may, but composed of cake instead. 

Michelle Obama made a huge deal out of people doing an hour of exercise a day to stay healthy. You thought you were being sneaky, huh, Michelle. That is exactly what a cake, which is typically unhealthy, would advocate for in order to throw people off its sweet, sweet trail. 

Look, we can all have our perspectives on it. You think she’s a man, I think she’s cake. Ultimately, guys, it’s 2023. We already know all the libs in Congress are all lizard-people anyways. Why is it so hard to believe Miss Obama is made of cake, too?