About US

The Kumquat was founded in 2018 after the editors reached out to The Panther about doing a satire column and NEVER HEARD BACK. Despite the devastation of being ghosted, we bounced back and have grown and established ourselves as Chapman’s Most Reliable News Source. We drop print issues once a month, all around campus, as well as breaking news updates on twitter and instagram and now additional website content! We hope you enjoy scrolling through our silly lil website and laugh at all our dumb dumb jokes. Also please buy our merch. We are so broke. Also we hope to have a percentage of the money go to an environmental charity to offset the amount of paper we use. WE’RE GOOD PEOPLE.

Editors in Chief

 

Editor Christ

What up doe. You know who the f I am. Everyone wanna be Christlike, but I’m 1 of 1 — and that’s my testament! Peace and love! Noel type dih

 

Stink Editor

Sometimes I maladaptive daydream so much it feels like reality. I really like a cosmic crisp apple on a Tuesday morning. Will we ever truly feel the warmth of the sun?

 

‘‘Designers’’

 

Belac Sttip

I got assassinated when I was 8 years old and I was the most depressed rapper ever, lowkey I was only killed because I was about to make a documentary about depression. This is probably the most depressing story in rap EVER. Also I went sober before I died and my raps fucking sucked after that. I was probably even one of the most tortured 8 year olds ever. Also FUCK Happy Guy the Rapper.

 

webster gurt

hey girl. are you my mother? because i can’t stand you oh my god get away from me

 

Staff Writers

Featured
Ernest Hemingway
Ernest Hemingway

We were down half our squad when the rain flooded our trench. I minded the gentleman beside me, clutching his gun like a bible. What solace could I find in this dire situation, I thought. Hearing the men scream miles away, warning us of the grenade another released, I, too, found a relic to hold: a folded orange sheet I kept in my inner pocket, with the only words I'll ever trust, the Kumquat.

Laura Palmer
Laura Palmer

The Kumquat is not what it seems…

Peter Story
Peter Story

As a 91 year old legacy writer, I understand that a good article starts with story. Me and Walt used to draft the very first stories on napkins during the beginnings of Hollywood. This is when I learned, you need to tell a good story before you make one. In my course, I will cover foundations of story such as “conflict and resolution” and “wives tale”. What story do you want to tell?

Your drunk hookup
Your drunk hookup

Yeah, that’s right, I was on the Kumquat. You thought that night didn’t mean anything… oh how wrong you were. Get ready for a special exposé piece ALL ABOUT coughcoughyourkinkscoughcough. You could’ve had allll this, but, guess I’ll see you in the news 😘

Kid Elvis
Kid Elvis

Now thats a “woah mama” right there. Brothers and sisters in arm, let’s catch this “hound dog” and put him in its place, now that’s 1 mama, 2 mama, 3 mama, 4 mama, 5 mama. Who’s say to say this bossy attitude ain't getting me nowhere, cousin? Im kid Elvis but i got the smarts of a grown Elvis, mama, so don’t ever mess with a teen as rowdy as me. I got a joke for you, what do you call an Elvis working in the news? Mama now that’s an Elvis press-ly. Home cousin i know that made you chuckle. But seriously though, it’s good to be your friend.

DEI Hire
DEI Hire

completely and utterly unqualified, but as long as im stealing the job from a deserving, hard working white man, im at peace. 🖤

IUD
IUD

i am in you. and i am protecting you and keeping you safe!! you should be thanking me, i’m doing all i can to make sure you are comfortable and secure. i am like a little friend who is living inside your beautiful body. isn’t that so lovely? i love you, chica. say it back.

Unpaid Intern
Unpaid Intern

Addicted to chapstick. Have never washed my water bottle. Don’t know how to whistle.

Confused Writer
Confused Writer

I seriously have no idea what’s going on please can someone tell me