As a boy, I always knew I wanted to kill people. Other kids on the playground would play tag or “Cowboys and Indians,” while I spent my time killing people. Yup, when other kids were learning science, I was murdering people with a knife and gun!

When Chapman offered me the Ted Bundy Scholarship for Promising Young Killers, I thought this would be a fantastic opportunity for me as a first-generation murderer, pursuing a real dream of murdering full-time. Hell, maybe one day I could even get a cool name like “Zodiac Killer” or “President of the United States”.

But did Chapman deliver? Hardly. Where do I start? Well, for one, the John Wayne Gacy School of Excellent Execution is severely underfunded, and you can’t branch out. What if I wanna change lanes, get dirty with it – Dahmer style? Or what if I wanna be the hero in the story and kill only bad guys, like Policemen or essential workers?

It doesn’t just end there, my friends. Not only am I a murderer, but I am also deeply racist, and I find it ridiculous that there are zero people of color that I can murder on campus. Chapman, I petition you: Do better. Serial Killers exist. We matter.