New Report Shows that YOU Were Supposed to be Curry Barker

A devastating new report dropped this week and it’s findings were that you, (yes, you!), Dodge College Alum (Y/N) were supposed to be indie darling Curry Barker! In a Switched At Birth (ABC Family 2011-2017) esque situation, you and Curry were switched at birth! Your fates from that moment were intertwined and jumbled up. You were supposed to have a microbudget breakout horror movie, and HE was supposed to work at Blue Bottle Coffee! YOU were supposed to have 5 films set up at studios and HE was supposed to be considering grad school! 

Luckily, you are not alone. This is a problem plaguing many former film students today: “I had the idea to start doing YouTube sketch comedy in 2020” says David Zalasin ‘21, “And just because Curry actually did it now he’s getting all this acclaim?”

Don’t fret, reader, there’s still time. If you can get the right herbs and finally fix the position of the gemstones, there’s a chance we can reverse it all. Time is running out, Go man, Go!