Grandma Sally, Please Let Me Bring My Embarrassing Boyfriend Home For Thanksgiving

Grandma, I hope this WhatsApp message finds you well. 

This Thanksgiving, I’m officially in a loving relationship with my perfect Pike pookie, Zeke Goobley. We’re finally going steady this semester after a 14-month-long situationship which culminated in me threatening to drown myself in the dorm pool. 

We’re always spending quality college time together, ripping carts in his moldy garage and fighting about when he should hard launch me on his Instagram story. When we go on dates (that I plan, because Google Calendar is difficult to operate for him), he always takes me to the oozingly romantic Subway Cafe. God, he’s SUCH a feminist, he always makes sure I pay for our meals. 

Grandma Sally, I know you’re all into reading Vogue now, but come on, having a loving man in your life is not embarrassing! I know Grandpa occasionally soils himself and forgets your birthday every year, but Zeke is different. Zeke promises to contribute to your beautiful Thanksgiving spread. He said he’d fly his keg out for us if you let him slide through! He’ll be extra careful to make sure all the little cousins get upside down on that thang safely.