Physically and Mentally Superior GMO Freshmen Poised to Benefit School

In the past, Chapman promoted higher student success rates by over-admitting freshmen: more students meant more graduates, according to prominent math whiz Daniele Struppa, and this worked until Chapman coincidentally admitted nothing but dumbasses from 2020 to 2023. 

In response, the admissions board adopted a “quality over quantity” strategy that cut admissions in half and replaced them with genetically-altered superhumans. These “super panthers” will be 1.5x smarter, stronger, and sexier than their lame predecessors and will be capable of things never thought possible for a typical Chapman student. Besides a 100% graduation rate, for example, they are expected to raise the average Pike GPA to a never-before-seen 2.7, transform our D3 football team into a slightly better D3 football team, boost the net median number of attractive singles at Qdoba to an unbelievable 1.3, and create the first ever student to attend the Attallah College of Educational Studies. 

Besides starting an inevitable race war, there seems to be no perceivable downsides to this plan. As Provost Norma Bouchard puts it, “I always knew eugenics was the answer!”

Roommate ruins my life by quitting vaping

The last time I hit her vape was last Tuesday at 2:37 a.m. when she laid it on me.

She told me she “thinks she has a real problem” before she grabbed her vape, dunked it in her water, and destroyed our friendship and my life. Whose vape am I supposed to suckle from now?

It's like she doesn’t even care about me. All the times we bonded over making O’s or going to Chapman Smoke to get her Mr. Fog just down the drain for her ‘MENTAL HEALTH.’ Selfish bitch. 

We used to have meaningful conversations like “I need a Blue energy flume pebble. It tastes like Red Bull. Want to come with?”  and now it’s just “I feel so alive. People normally walk this much?”  Be real for one second, and pass me the fucking Red Bull vape. 

I just want to be clear: I AM NOT ADDICTED to vaping. I’m just worried about her…what if she never gets a vape again?

Masterclass Popularity Plummets Due to Lack of Famous People!

4th best film school? Not for long! In an embarrassing turn of events, nobody turned up to this Monday’s masterclass featuring Hollywood mega-producer Jeremy Thomas. The sad truth is, despite having admirable credits, he simply isn’t famous enough to draw in the crowds Dodge needs to remain as prestigious as it is!

The rest of the masterclasses look dismal too, especially the unfortunate inclusion of Dodge alum Justin Simien. His loss of celebrity status after Haunted Mansion means a lack of Hollywood mystique, therefore an absence of attendees, therefore therefore a lack of prestige for the school. Kumquat analysts predict a 300% drop in average masterclass attendance thanks to Simien and for Dodge to sit so low among film schools that they won’t even be eligible for the ranking.

But hope is not lost! If cinematographer Lawrence Sher can get famous before his masterclass, he might just rake in enough prestige to save the school. A word to the higher-ups at Dodge: don’t let such a close call happen ever again.

Chapman Wonders Why You All Expected Dorm Pool by Labor Day, After Saying it Would be Done by Labor Day.

Chapman University claimed it was “opposite day” when they promised completion of the pool by labor day, stating “We have absolutely no intention of ever finishing the dorm pool”, and “Did you actually believe we were gonna finish it you dumb little baby?”

Weeks before this statement was released, construction workers had been seen advertising the “build a pool” club, with club meetings everyday lasting somewhere between 8-12 hours. One particularly misleading event, the “Concrete Mixer" had freshmen scrambling to find the sexiest OSHA approved uniforms. Surprisingly, the club has become quite popular with students, with plans to build more pools on campus after the completion of this one.

But not all are as happy with the ongoing construction. Notably, the water polo team has been forced to hold practice in campus fountains—though, admittedly, this has given the water polo team a massive home advantage with no other teams being able to navigate a huge metal globe in the middle of the playing field.

Opposite day or not, some things are set in stone, like Chapman making false promises to its student body, or the freshman that accidentally got mixed into the concrete, thoughts and prayers!

Dodge Lobby Inspires Other Schools to Follow Suit!

It’s official: Marion Knott’s new lobby is a hit! Now every Dodge student knows they’re on the fast track to Hollywood. Yup, this school teaches movies. This resounding success has thousands of non-Dodge students asking, “when’s it my turn?”

Well, ask no longer! Every dean at Chapman has announced plans to renovate every lobby on campus to make it clear what subject you’re about to learn. Keck Hall, for instance, will now display an animatronic of a mad scientist pouring liquids into beakers surrounded by 7-foot-tall Tesla coils. Beckman Hall, home of Argyros School of Business and Economics, will exhibit a sculpture of a giant safe whose door will occasionally open and reveal stacks of glistening gold coins. The Leatherby Library, to illustrate that it’s a library, will feature a 10-foot-tall book in its lobby.

Unfortunately, these exciting renovations have drained the annual budget of every department. President Daniele Struppa has therefore made the difficult decision to cease all courses until Fall 2024, effective immediately. All students are to move out of on-campus housing by September 21. Additionally, there will be no graduation ceremonies for the next 5 years.

Charles C. Chapman Returns Via Cryochamber: New Policies to Come

Stumbling out of Keck’s life-preserving cryo-chamber late last Friday, Charles C. Chapman declared victoriously that he has cheated death and will return as President for the coming school year. Unfortunately, he discovered that his Christian university had degraded into a “sinful mire of lust and villainy” full of Democrats and homosexuals, leading to Chapman’s new “CU Back” campaign.

The new campaign seeks to take Panthers “back” in time to the Gilded Age of 1923, with a focus on tried and true policies such as child labor, women disenfranchisement, and segregation.

For most of the campus, this means that life hasn’t changed much. The Chapman Republicans have only become slightly more racist; normal students claim they “haven’t noticed” any difference. 

Charles has surprisingly faced zero consequences for his actions. Although on quiet nights, students say they can still hear Daniele Struppa yelling “death to the usurper” long after he was dragged out of office for the crime of being an Italian immigrant.

New Marquee Blows Up Power Grid

In an effort to further distance Dodge College from the concept of  “school,” Chapman University is pleased to welcome its shiny new Panther, the giant fucking marquee blinding the MKS lobby. 

Developed in Los Alamos, New Mexico by a team of morally gray electricians, Galloway’s Monster asks of students: would it really be worse if Chapman just burned their tuition money in a pit-fire?

“Originally, our plans were to offset the immense carbon emissions of The Beast with a beautiful Sycamore tree as the new centerpiece of the lobby,” says creator Victor Frank. “When we realized it would require a pay increase of several dollars for the school’s gardeners, we opted for plastic instead.”

The marquee proudly blasted 50 gigawatts of power 24/7, until it caused Orange County’s power grid to explode last night, killing five students and leaving dozens injured.

“The Chapman community mourns the loss of our best and brightest,” administration released in a statement. “We are working tirelessly to turn the marquee back on.”

New Beckman Starbucks Speakeasy

Big news, the on-campus Starbucks is now slightly larger. Even bigger news, there is a to-go window for mobile order pickup (because the patio wasn’t already enough of an acquaintance danger zone.)  BIGGEST news, there is a speakeasy hidden behind the new walk-in refrigerator. We got all the details from an anonymous Starbucks employee. “To get in, tell the barista you want a ‘jazz music’ oat latte on tap.” Inside the speakeasy there will be weekly Chapman Radio DJ performances, slam poetry events, and exclusive drinks like the Foxy Cleopatra and Princess Daisy. The “Starbucks” employee tells us, “I keep losing track of the bathroom key. It’s really taking a toll on the Contr- I mean Starbucks- staff,” they said. “And yeah, we do remember every single person who has clogged the toilet.”

The Kumquat’s College Guide for Freshmen

• Our Philz uses toilet water to clean out the espresso machine. Pie Hole is absolutely the place you should get coffee and do work.

• Get to frat parties early (around 7:30pm) and leave before 10:00pm. You want to make a memorable, ethereal first impression around golden hour. Plus they start spiking drinks at 10:01.

• You can only go inside the gym if you know the secret password. They will ask you for it at the front desk. 

• There will be one freshman sacrificed at the end of O-Week, which your OL probably mentioned. It is decided by random draw and is conducted by Pete the Panther via cyanide. 

• “Walk sign is on for all crossing” backwards sounds just like “Chapman University” if you say it out loud. That’s why they did it. 

• Sometimes there are famous skateboarders outside Beckman. Their autographs alone are worth thousands of dollars; all you have to do is give them a Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino and ask nicely.  

• Blaze is way, way better than Pizza Press.

Girl So Tired After Driving to LA for Very Important Internship

“Ugh, I can’t believe I even came out tonight! I’m so exhausted. The 405* was sooo clogged up on the way home. Thankfully, I LOVE my internship. I’m so grateful I’m getting a film degree, it’s so helpful for when I’m doing projects / scrolling on Instagram reels trying to feel human again. They actually can’t afford to pay me right now, but they have free snacks (trail mix)! I think I’m going to get a return offer! What’s the salary? Probably like minimum wage. But it’s okay! I’m getting to do what I love, email all day and sit in on phone calls with rich white men! I know the experience is going to pay off. Besides, how important is money anyway? It’s not like I really want a family or a house with a window that looks onto a backyard or an opportunity to pay off my student loans……….. But what financially stable person can say they saw an email chain with PAUL DANO?! I didn’t, but the assistant got to! UGH! I love this industry!” 

*Southern California highway, only for industry people