5 super spooky scary things you can do this Halloween to make your friends go “AHHH!”

1. Make a little ghost out of toilet paper and put it on the bathroom counter to spook your roommates.

2. Go to the campus starbucks and get a vanilla bean frap with raspberry syrup on top so it looks like blood and give it to your class friend (you know the one). A terrifyingly sweet treat!

3. Buy a Ouji board and play with your friends! While you are playing, push the thing around to spell out “B-O-O-B-S”. This is obviously hilarious and also your friends will be like woah, this ghost must really like boobs. Haha. 

4. Go to a corn maze. While leaving said corn maze, chloroform your friend and then put them in your trunk. Then, in the middle of the night, bring them to that secluded tunnel underneath the train station and just as they are about to wake up, pour fake blood all over their body. Now, hide! Once they wake up, run down the stairs and act really relieved to see them. Tell them you have been looking for them for hours and thank god they are okay! Never tell them it was a prank. Let them live the rest of their life in confusion and fear. 

5. Carve some creepy lil pumpkins! :o

Editor's Letter

Welcome back girlies!  With my senior year beginning, I have been given the opportunity to reflect on some of my own Orientation Week experiences and be a shining light of guidance, beauty, and mystery for our new freshman readers. 

1. Do not fuck your OL. Just because they are older than you and seem cool because you literally have not met anyone else older than you does not mean you should do this. 

2. One O week, I made out with a FIJI while walking past Jerry Price’s house half naked and that is the most school spirit I have ever committed to. Take from that what you will. 

3. Puke on at least one guy who you think wants to hook up with you. This is a great way to figure out what his attachment style is. 

4. Make sure your Uber account is not linked to your parent’s credit card in any way. They will ask too many questions. They did not immigrate for you to whore around. 

5. Wait now that I am thinking about it...maybe DO fuck your OL. Make yourself dominant in the group dynamic. 

Xoxo, 

 Your editors in chief but very specifically Hot Girl Editor you are dumb if you think Bad Boy editor wrote this

Things I'm gonna lick this fall

I’m vaxxed. COVID is gone (duh.) Now, i NEEEED to lick some stuff. Here’s a list of all the stuff my tongue is gonna touch this O - week:

• The front door knob of the FIJI Batavia house 

• The back door knob of ur mom’s house ;)

• The bust of Abraham Lincoln (sexxxy)

• The floor of the Hashinger basement (lots of texture, delicious)

• My sociology professor’s butt 

• The glass food protector thing at Qdoba

• The globe fountain (just perfect for licking)

• Each and every individual stair of the AF spiral staircase, to lube it up so people slip and fall and i can watch haha

• Ur balls (jk ew that’s gross)

*** Note: We have just been informed that this writer’s licking of several objects and people around campus may have a possible link to the creation of a new strain of the virus. The CDC is calling it the  O - variant. Be careful out there, wear your masks, and don’t touch anything that smells like garlic because she probably licked it. ***

Junior to Say Zoom Chat Jokes Out Loud Now

After being a part of what was dubbed “one of the funnier nutrition science classes I’ve ever taught” by her professor last semester, junior Audrey Woodward plans to take her brand of zoom humor to campus. “I’m basically going to be saying everything I would have said in the zoom chat out loud in the middle of the lecture,” said Audrey to Kumquat Reporters. “I don’t see anything wrong with that, if a philosopher looks like Jack Harlow, I’m gonna say he looks like Jack Harlow. I won’t be silenced.” Both ambitious and needlessly hostile to reporters, it’s clear Jackie is steadfast in her commitment to the bit. “We stan wearing sweatpants to class” reads a notecard she’s prepped with various quips, despite the fact that she plans to not wear sweatpants to class. As far as the question of private messages, Audrey isn’t one to let her love for zoom comedy get ahead of her manners. “I’ll just say it out loud to the person. Whispering is rude”.

Months of Frat Party Romanticization Leads to Desperate Behavior

After a full year, the time has finally come for the resurrection of sweat, tears, and moral ambiguity that is a college fraternity party. 

“I have been pre-gaming since literally March of 2020,” says junior Miranda Hastings, who donned the official drunk white woman uniform (black skinny jeans, black one shoulder Brandy Melville top, white Converse, Gucci Belt) while we interviewed her. “Call Her Daddy, Pink Whitney, self tanner,” she slurred while being carried out of Firehouse by the only friend who was not annoyed enough to let her die of alcohol poisoning. 

For those who aren’t completely blacked, these parties have proved to be a bit of a let down. “I’m not saying I’m not having fun but like it seems like maybe we should call the Uber soon since things are starting to die down?” commented senior Samantha Jensen when we interrupted the 20 minutes of small talk she was enduring with some guy from her FFC three years ago in the corner of a party that was very much not dying down. “I remember these being a lot crazier but maybe it’s because I was a freshman girl and everyone was trying to fuck me,” the washed up old hag elaborated. 

To ensure a successful O week, IFC is now requiring a negative COVID test for entry into all parties as well as a mandatory squirt of hand sanitizer before and after any fingering in the bathroom occurs.

First Playfair back to be so wild and dangerous, waiver and NDA required

Checking in with the department of Residence Life & First Year Experience about their O-Week plans, the Kumquat learned that Chapman is sending out mandatory waivers and NDAs to all incoming freshmen, specifically for the coveted Playfair event. 

“Things are going to be epic,” said OL Jackson Jackson. “A little too epic? I don’t know, maybe. We’ve replaced rock-paper-scissors with fire stunts, maybe bullfighting if we have the means.” As the freshmen gear up for their first week at Chapman, RLFYE expresses that they want to make their welcome a memorable one, with fun, classic college surprises, like flying sharks. We asked incoming freshmen Rachel Othon about how pumped she is for Playfair. Othon shared, “They asked me to bring bubble wrap, a jock strap, and a full suit of armor? They even suggested hiring a bodyguard if we feel the need. Genuinely, what is going to happen?”

To My Incoming POC (Panthers of Color)

What the hell were you thinking accepting an admission offer to “Chapman University”? At this PWI, you will always be othered for the color of your skin no matter how hard you try to fit in, simply because you’re outnumbered. But, when push comes to shove and administration needs to save face, your presence on this campus will be tokenized to fill diversity quotas as a form of saying “we’re not a racist institution lmao?….. a student that isn’t white literally just walked past you…..?” 

When you’re in your humanities classes where our literal rights as human beings are topics of discourse facilitated by your white professors, your white classmates will look you in the eye and seek non-verbal affirmations for what they’re saying so that the “BLM ACAB” in their Instagram bio doesn’t feel performative and their white savior complex only grows bigger. Because you, a student of color, agreed with their surface level “drink water and don’t be racist” discussion contribution. And that fucking rocks.

The students of color on this campus have a silent agreement. There’s a sense of comradery and understanding knowing that we have each others’ back - solidarity in secret. And, my incoming POC (Panthers of Color), I’ll be the first to say I got yours.

When your first semester ends and your eyes are opened up to the truth, you can walk up to me and thank me for these words of wisdom. Obviously, I can’t reveal who I am but there’s literally only two brown boys on campus so I’m sure you’ll know me when you see me. 

Good luck babes.

O-Week Gone Feral

Senior OL Mason Meyers spent the last three months scouring the internet for the latest trends that the Class of 2024 created in order to relate to them; his findings are quite troubling. Among the many TikTok fads Meyers came across, he discovered the Class of 2024 engaged in lava lamp gulping, hospital ward baby swapping, Slovenian fire crawling, and lead piping, the latter being the most popular and the most concerning. "Lead piping is when a group of 18-year-olds walk up to a stranger on the street and beat them with a lead pipe until a witness calls an ambulance," Meyers said. "I mean, that's just assault, right? My freshman year, we were still getting over the mannequin challenge." To prepare for what is to come, Meyers sat down to speak with an incoming freshman who did nothing but growl at him and gnaw on some flax seeds and lingonberries. In closing, Meyers said, “Despite what I have learned about the Class of 2024, I am still committed to giving these energetic, albeit primordial students, the Panther Experience, even if it kills me!” It did.