Junior returns from “life changing” study abroad experience — still an asshole

Jeremy Saxon spent spring semester in London and boy oh boy are you gonna hear about it.

“You really immerse yourself the culture,” Saxon said. “I was only there for 12 weeks, but I really felt like a lifetime. By the end of the trip, I wasn’t even speaking American anymore, I picked up English really easily.” But, despite the fact that Saxon now spells the words “gray”: “grey” and “color”: “colour”, being abroad didn’t make him any less of a dick.

“I was really expecting a new Jeremy,” acquaintance Peter Williams said. “He made so many Instagram posts about how he had ‘turned over a new leaf’ and that living in a foreign country was ‘really eye opening.’ But then, the first time I saw him he came up to me, grabbed me by the testicles and said ‘Ello Guvnor, how ya like deez nuts?’ and ran away. So, yeah, he’s pretty much the same. I guess he has kind of an accent now.”

Apparently, this is not an isolated incident. An unnamed source claimed they overheard Jeremy at Starbucks say, “You know, Trump has some good ideas.” The source said, “But he was drinking tea and eating a crumpet so I guess he’s … marginally different.”

We reached out to others close to Jeremy and there seems to be a consensus— he’s pretty much still the same piece of garbage he was a year ago, he just pronounces “aluminum” and “vitamin” differently.

Dodge kid at frat party desperately wants everyone to know what his major is

Last Friday, Freshman Skylar Biggs pulled up to Phi Delt. He wore his Chapman University Lawrence and Kristina Dodge College of Film and Media Arts T-shirt, his Summer Film Academy hat, and carried his Canon Rebel T3i Camera — just in case it wasn’t clear enough that he was a film production student.

Around the party, witnesses reported Biggs sharing his extensive knowledge on Steven Spielberg’s filmography, calling himself “basically like Woody Allen without all the pedophilia” and delivering hot takes on movies ranging from The Godfather to The Godfather Part II.

Apparently, a few minutes after arriving, Skylar pulled out his camera and started filming people dancing, claiming he was working on a “hyper-realist-kindof- nitty-gritty portrayal of our societal need to gather together for social benefit.” Sources claim he stopped filming after two minutes when he couldn’t figure out how to change his ISO.

Triana Browne was having a great time at the party when she bumped into Biggs. “We started talking and really hitting it off.” Browne said. “We decided to go to Albertaco’s together, but then as we were walking out the door, he stopped and asked what my major was. I told him PR and Ad and he shouted ‘Fake Dodge!’ and ran away. I never saw him again.”

We reached out to Biggs for comment; he claimed he was “too busy to talk right now, Visual Storytelling projects are due Monday.”