An apology to Dean Jerry Price, and our readers

After Jerry Price tweeted out that he has “No Fenestra tramp stamp”, we took it upon ourselves to find out the truth for our readers, because we fucking care about you guys.

Upon further inspection of Dean Jerry Price’s lower back, The Kumquat staff has discovered hair, skin, and three moles of different shapes, sizes and colors, which we hope he gets checked out. However, there was no Fenestra tramp stamp.

The Kumquat would like to apologize to Dean Price. In interviews, the Dean revealed to us that he “would certainly like to get one,” but as of this publication, has yet to pull the trigger.

We extend our sincerest apology for our careless reporting and assure (pinky promise) our readers that The Kumquat from now on will only report the truth, and nothing but the truth, so help us God... so help us God.

Bruxie introduces addictive new recipe

Bruxie, the iconic chicken and waffle chain, has seen a surge of demand with Chapman students in recent years, despite an equally steep climb in prices. As of yesterday morning, a basket of “kickin’ chicken” will cost you $25. When approached for comment, Bruxie’s owner, Pablo Escobar, stated that the shift in prices was a reflection of their new recipe, specifically citing a change in the “salt” they use.

Students don’t seem to be minding the ambiguity, however, with lines routinely piling up into the street. Junior Julia Wilson says, “It just gives me the energy I need! I just feel super ready and energized and like really, really excited!” She then proceeded to make a loud, high-pitched baboon-like squeal. “I’m like totally addicted! But I’m not. I’m not addicted. I don’t have a problem, you do! I can stop anytime I want!”

For many though, the insatiable need for chicken has come with some unsavory costs. Several sources have told The Kumquat that the Student Financial Aid Office has seen a dramatic increase in restructured loans; with many of those allowing for funds to be taken out immediately. When approached by reporters about these drastic changes, several students at the Financial Aid Office were reported as screaming in an offbeat warlike chant of the Greek alphabet. It was also reported that many of those students seemed to be suffering severe nosebleeds.

But amongst all this hysteria, one demographic has thus far appeared immune to the financial and physical consequences of Bruxie’s new “salt”: Business majors. Senior Chaz Koch says, “Doesn’t seem any different.” The Kumquat will update this story as it develops.

Freshman Accidentally Calls RA “Mom”

Residence Life released a statement Tuesday morning recounting an incident that took place during orientation. The incident occurred around 11 PM when freshman Steve Marks returned from We Are Chapman. Allegedly he struggled to use his keycard, making the usually error of typing in his code before inserting the ID. His RA, Molly Smith was performing her standard duties of patrolling the halls when she noticed the young freshman struggling.

Molly spoke on the matter, “I helped Steve get into his room and then he said “Thanks Mom.” Chapman security cameras captured the event perfectly. At exactly 11:02 Molly walks up to room 311 with a clipboard in hand, words are briefly exchanged between her and Marks. Then at 11:03pm both Steve and Molly have a clear moment of intense cringe.

Molly and Residence life have spoken to the event in saying, “This stuff happens more than you think. But, we just wanted to speak out on it.” Molly went on to add, “I really have nothing against Steve, he’s a sweet kid. Just, boundaries, ya know?” We’ve reached out to Marks, who claims he said “Thanks, Mop” Which all of us at the Kumquat somehow find much, much worse.

Junior returns from “life changing” study abroad experience — still an asshole

Jeremy Saxon spent spring semester in London and boy oh boy are you gonna hear about it.

“You really immerse yourself the culture,” Saxon said. “I was only there for 12 weeks, but I really felt like a lifetime. By the end of the trip, I wasn’t even speaking American anymore, I picked up English really easily.” But, despite the fact that Saxon now spells the words “gray”: “grey” and “color”: “colour”, being abroad didn’t make him any less of a dick.

“I was really expecting a new Jeremy,” acquaintance Peter Williams said. “He made so many Instagram posts about how he had ‘turned over a new leaf’ and that living in a foreign country was ‘really eye opening.’ But then, the first time I saw him he came up to me, grabbed me by the testicles and said ‘Ello Guvnor, how ya like deez nuts?’ and ran away. So, yeah, he’s pretty much the same. I guess he has kind of an accent now.”

Apparently, this is not an isolated incident. An unnamed source claimed they overheard Jeremy at Starbucks say, “You know, Trump has some good ideas.” The source said, “But he was drinking tea and eating a crumpet so I guess he’s … marginally different.”

We reached out to others close to Jeremy and there seems to be a consensus— he’s pretty much still the same piece of garbage he was a year ago, he just pronounces “aluminum” and “vitamin” differently.

Dodge kid at frat party desperately wants everyone to know what his major is

Last Friday, Freshman Skylar Biggs pulled up to Phi Delt. He wore his Chapman University Lawrence and Kristina Dodge College of Film and Media Arts T-shirt, his Summer Film Academy hat, and carried his Canon Rebel T3i Camera — just in case it wasn’t clear enough that he was a film production student.

Around the party, witnesses reported Biggs sharing his extensive knowledge on Steven Spielberg’s filmography, calling himself “basically like Woody Allen without all the pedophilia” and delivering hot takes on movies ranging from The Godfather to The Godfather Part II.

Apparently, a few minutes after arriving, Skylar pulled out his camera and started filming people dancing, claiming he was working on a “hyper-realist-kindof- nitty-gritty portrayal of our societal need to gather together for social benefit.” Sources claim he stopped filming after two minutes when he couldn’t figure out how to change his ISO.

Triana Browne was having a great time at the party when she bumped into Biggs. “We started talking and really hitting it off.” Browne said. “We decided to go to Albertaco’s together, but then as we were walking out the door, he stopped and asked what my major was. I told him PR and Ad and he shouted ‘Fake Dodge!’ and ran away. I never saw him again.”

We reached out to Biggs for comment; he claimed he was “too busy to talk right now, Visual Storytelling projects are due Monday.”