No Play on V-Day? Father Tom’s Wise Words for Lonely Hearts
Let’s face it: a lot of you were alone this Valentine’s Day. But why cry over it? Why sulk when there are answers out there, answers lying just beyond Schmid Gate? Father Tom of Orange Presbyterian Church wants you to know that celibacy is okay. In fact, it’s a beautiful thing.
“Whether you’ve meant to or not, you’ve just saved an angel from crying.” Father Tom preached to a small crowd on the Piazza earlier last week. “Your soul is one year closer to passing through those pearly gates.” Indeed, you can expect your life to improve if you chose not to indulge a few weeks ago. Actually… you’re probably better than everyone else in your life because you’re not tied down by some bitch who’s always asking you to take her to Taco Stand.
But why not take it one step further? Join the priesthood! That way, you get both brotherhood (which you desperately need) and a reason to give when people ask why you’re always single (which you also desperately need).
In case you were too busy engaging in loser couple activities, Father Tom has some final advice. Worried about that accidental pregnancy after you had your fun? “Abort it.”