What I wouldn't give to go back to those Friday night lights…
I know I’m not the first guy to say that Zoom University just isn’t the same as our classic college days. Shotgunning Natty Lights on the lawn, chilling in Leatherby with the bros, taking the circle by storm on Undie Run… I miss it all. But if there’s one thing I miss the most about Chapman, and I think you know what I’m about to say, it’s those freaking Friday night lights.
The roar of the crowd echoing through the stadium is a sound I’ll never forget. The energy when the team ran out onto the field? Unmatched. That feeling of Panther pride at the big game is something I know we all will cherish, no matter where we are now. You know, my buddies and I would always show up early to get the best seats in the house. That’s how dedicated we were. I just wish we could go back… especially to the end of the games when they would be like, “sex is like.” Oh wait I think it might’ve been Thursday night lights. Yeah wish I could go back to those Thursday night lights in Irvine Lecture Hall with the boys.
Things I’m Not Going to Tell My Mom I Did During my First Semester of College
Spent $105 on Urth Cafe matcha lattes
Took my mask off to suck a film production major’s dick during Tenet.
Told my Women’s Studies breakout group I was bisexual so they would like me more (I’m not)
Smoked a cigarette with a group of six guys who refer to each other as “homies.”
Got COVID-19 from the film production major’s dick.
Snorted cocaine off of Stephen Galloway’s ass.
Jk that one was just a dream lol.
Got a stick and poke of my grandma's name on my ribcage even though she’s a little bit racist. I just didn’t know what else to get.
Bought 55 coat hangers after Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed into the Supreme Court
Did the walk of shame November 1 in a space cowgirl costume on the Chapman Shuttle
And the only reason I know he is a film production major is because he has it in his Instagram bio?? That’s literally so embarrassing.
Diversity Win: COPA Accepts Ugly Screen Acting Student
After the summer brought a wave of reckoning upon the Chapman community, COPA has finally decided to take a stand for diversity. Kumquat reporters have discovered the admittance of transfer student Aaron Porter who sources say looks like a complete dumpster fire. “It’s really interesting,” Dean of COPA Giulio Ongaro said in an interview. “Most of our students are the pristine image of beauty, but this little fuck has got big ol’ glasses and stink lines coming out of every orifice”. When I pointed out that he sounded like a bully, Dean Ongaro gave me a wedgie and kickflipped away. Mr. Porter, 20, is reportedly getting along with his new classmates already. “The group-me is pretty fun”, he said in a sit-down with the Kumquat. “They sorta like to ask me if my face is real and then show me three identical headshots and make me tell them which one is the best.” Aaron is ready to find his spot in the Chapman creative community. “I feel like I’ve always been misunderstood. If someone at Chapman were to maybe make a movie about a teenage boy who is sad and misunderstood, I think I could really excel. But then again, who in Dodge College would want to tell that brave story?” We all hope Mr. Porter can find that role, and take solace in the fact that he’s still better looking than every director he’ll audition for.
Report: Hot Girls Really Miss Stealing From Parties
Left to reminisce about their lives Pre-CoCo, many Chapman students are confessing their deepest desires. “I miss stealing from frat parties. Once, I stole a tiny fedora made for a mouse from Phi Tau, it was such a rush... and now, since I can’t go to frat parties anymore I have to go to Target and steal baby clothes,” said sophomore student, Georgia Holland.
We spoke to another student, Jenna Friedman, who concurred that theft was a real luxury she took for granted. “I have a really beloved collection. An unknown streetwear sweatshirt from Beta; a stack of 150 latex-free dental dams from Delts; Harry Raftus’ Canadian flag from Phi Delt... but no, I wouldn’t self describe as a clepto. I just get like, this really good feeling when I steal things, that makes me want to do it more and more.”
To break this down for the frat men of Chapman who might be angered by this phenomenon: you see hot girl -> you are creepy to hot girl ->hot girl angry -> hot girl steal your stuff. So if there are ever frat parties again and you see a girl walking out with 8 cans of Chef Boyardee, just know that it would be super misogynistic if you tried to stop her.
Junior Girl Suffers Complete Breakdown After Becoming Chapman Twitter Famous
“The likes...they just kept coming and coming. After a while I looked and there were 76 of them, with a couple of replies from people that I only sort of know in real life. I was shocked.” These are the words of Carrie Bradshaw, a junior TV Writing and Production major who has recently struck moderate Chapman Twitter fame. After not making it on Improv or our writing staff, Bradshaw became used to tweeting one liners like “drunk outside urth caffe” and “made eye contact with my gynecologist today,” to her limited audience.
Bradshaw finally made it big by penning the simple “what I wouldn’t do to be able to be hungover in AF right now.” After the tweet, Bradshaw received likes primarily from Dodge students who have no other creative or comedic outlets at this point in quarantine. She is now paying special attention to interactions from boys she thinks are hot but have never really talked to and is now vastly overanalyzing. “If he liked my tweet where I said the word ‘sex’, does that mean he wants to have sex with me? It has to. The one time we were on set together he was, like, looking at me, you know? I think he wants to fuck because he…” We let her trail off after we noticed she was rocking back and forth in her chair and foaming at the mouth. Make sure to follow Bradshaw @larrygirl69, which she assures us she has been unable to change since she originally made the account in seventh grade.
JOHN WAYNE: Horrible Racist, Decent Airport
Well folks, the holidays are just around the corner. It’s time to go home and visit family but more importantly, it’s time to pick an airport. That's why I recommend: John Wayne International. You just have to get past the whole “John Wayne being an unforgivable, imperialist glorifying, homophobic racist” thing.
But trust me, you're gonna LOVE what they've done with the place. Pristine marble floors and the wonderful chic, elegant design is just part of what makes this airport the jewel of the OC. Oh and the decor is just stunning… well I mean.. Except for the massive statue of John Wayne holding a big ass gun. But you know.. This is why you have to separate the art from the artist, you can’t let the fact that John Wayne is actually a racist bigot ruin such a convenient airport. You can get your bags checked and through security in under 15 minutes every time. And I mean do you really expect me to go all the way to Long Beach?? I hope next time you fly, you keep John Wayne in mind and as the man himself once literally said unprompted “I believe in white supremacy”.
Trump Administration Prepares For Transition To Chapman Faculty
The November election may have sparked some hope with the end of a selfish, hateful Presidency, but it also put some selfish, hateful people out of work. Daniele Struppa announced the new faculty last week on a Microsoft Teams town hall some are calling, “really intense.” The new additions to Chapman faculty come at no surprise to the student body as law Professor John Eastman still works here.
Kellyann will be teaching an SCC course on deceit, public speaking and how to look like an undercover witch while Hope Hicks takes over supervising all hot girl events (first and foremost Sorority Recruitment). Pence is spearheading a one man initiative to remove Brokeback Mountain from the film aesthetics curriculum and Jared Kushner will be assisting him. Trump himself has accepted the position of Virtual Golf Daddy and mentor to the Chapman Republicans (studies show the chap pubs have all jizzed their little jeans since this announcement). The Trump administration had one request prior to joining staff and that accommodation of dissolving the Cross Cultural Center has been met. In preparation, all new faculty have been mailed fanny packs and given their very own Chapman emails to use on all non-Chapman work. Struppa would also like us to note they are all currently on track for tenure.
Editors Letter
We, The Kumquat Editors, are looking for love in the time of COVID. The only thing getting in our way is that we’re afraid!! Not because of commitment or past trauma, but because some people aren’t wearing masks or are still going to parties. We get it, we want to go to parties too. We would die to go to a party (not literally because then we would just… go to a party) This is a rough time which makes us want to get absolutely plastered like no other point in our lives thus far. However, please! Like just take things seriously for like a month or two! We’ve been in quarantine for like nine months now, which means we could have been secretly pregnant this entire time and you guys wouldn’t even know because we are too scared to leave the house like a NORMAL person. We just want you to know that we’re all in this together and when this all ends (hopefully), we will drink something very strong and have a smooch. But until then, wear a mask, social distance, limit your travel, and get tested (for STDs too so that after the aforementioned smooch we can boink)
xoxo,
The Kumquat
I Accidentally Hit Yes on the Chapman Covid Screening
You know that thing Chapman sends out every night? The thing that asks you if you literally have coronavirus? On Monday at 12:35am, I was filling it out and accidentally clicked “yes” instead of “no.” Immediately, like no joke immediately, this team of SWAT people (who I think were wearing Panther ears?) ran into my room and put a paper bag over my head. The next thing I knew, I was tied up on the lap of the Charles C. Chapman statue. A hologram of Jerry Price appeared before me. Larger than life. Huge. He looked at me sternly, fire in his eyes. In a voice much deeper than I had ever heard him use before, he asked “How much do your parents make in a year?” I explained I have no idea. He persisted, in a deeper voice, growling even, asking over and over again. I cried, eventually saying they’re socially liberal but economically conservative because of their tax bracket. “Good,” he nodded. “Very good… Now, did they participate in Chapman Day of Giving last year?”I said yes and immediately, a piercing pain entered into my left buttcheck. A needle. The vaccine. They had it… They’ve had it all this time? Whatever, got those antibodies now baby. Beta Hard Liquor Tuesdays here I come.
Memorial Hall filled with Mashed Potatoes
With the holiday season fast approaching, some might say already here, Chapman found the perfect way to give the people what they want: filling Memorial Hall entirely with mashed potatoes. When The Kumquat asked how much of the school budget would be used supplying the creamy dish Struppa replied, “A lot.” We pressed the old Italian man further asking him if he considered addressing real administrative faux pas,. He replied “nah. We’re going with Price’s potato thing.”
“It represents hope most, I think,” said Price when we interviewed him about the plans. Price then left his office to take a call about mold.
Student reaction has been generally apathetic towards this new initiative. “Yeah this just feels like a big swing and a miss” said Katarina Smith, a junior.
Struppa remains optimistic. “I think the students are really loving it.” he said. “We are not.” said 77% of students.
But, I’ll tell you this. If the school would like to send out more fanny packs with thermometers, that would be fine by this reporter ;)
Mio Semestre in Italia
Ciao! I am thrilled to be writing this while sipping a delicious cappuccino at an adorable sidewalk cafe. When study abroad was first canceled, I was devastated. Were my two semesters of Italian and one dedicated afternoon of Duolingo for nothing? Everything changed when I heard about the Panthers Study Abroad in Orange Program (PSAOP). This wonderful new program allowed me to have the same amazing experience in our very own beautiful City of Orange for the exact same price!
These have been the best quatro months of my life. You wouldn’t believe the rich, authentic Italian food I got to try. I had pizza al fresco for every meal just like the Italians do it: Blaze for breakfast, Pizza Press for lunch, and Zito’s for dinner. That may sound like a lot, but as a study abroad student, I got a 10% discount, and as they say, “When in Rome!”
Like any study abroad, there was some culture shock and miscommunication. My Italian isn’t perfect, so the Blaze cashier struggled a bit to understand me when I asked, “dov'è il bagno?” Luckily, through some hand gestures and Google Translate, I found a “toilet.”
If you’re looking for a life-changing and al dente experience for spring, I can’t recommend PSAOP enough. And I promise Struppa isn’t holding a gun to my head making me say this. Arrivederci!
Sit down, champ, let me tell you about my college days.
Son, come here. See this picture? Yeah, that’s right. That’s your old man back in 2020. Junior year. Man, did we have some crazy times back then. I’ll never forget those Friday nights with the boys, the 4 of us sitting in our living room alone, absolutely plastered off 2 Mango Carts questioning our existence and if things will ever get better. Man, I mean, if I could go back, I would in a heartbeat. This guy right here? That’s my buddy Jason. He would cry to Beach House every night in his room and sometimes didn’t come out for days at a time. What’d you say? What was my craziest night? Oh, it’s gotta be my 21st birthday. Yeah, the boys and I had a Zoom RAGER and I blacked out and woke up in my kitchen. I started the night in the LIVING ROOM.
Girls? Well, son, don’t tell your mom, but your old man… he got around. I was matching with girls on Tinder left and right, only to pour my heart out to them on Facetime and have them ghost and block me. Yeah, we got wild and reckless, but we still kept grinding. Every time I logged onto my little computer class I was high out of my mind. Didn’t learn a single thing, but felt like I had to go due to the crushing guilt of paying private school tuition. Good times, man.
Disney Girls Experiencing Major Withdrawals
Disneyland has been shut down for almost 8 months, and the Disney Bitches are struggling. To have the only reason they chose Chapman taken away is leaving some students, “without a will to live,” said sophomore, animation major, McKayley Higgins, in a crazier tone than we can convey on paper.
Higgins’s’s roommate, Sofia Johnson, is actually, like, really worried about McKayley’s mental health. “She’s been putting on her Mickey ears and just like...staring at herself in the mirror. Her teeth won’t stop chattering and she’s really, weirdly sweaty all the time.”
A few days later, McKayley was arrested for attempting to break into Disney. Apparently, all the teeth-chattering sharpened up her canines, and she was caught trying to chew her way through the gates.
The Kumquat Investigative Team went undercover and infiltrated Disney, only to discover that The Secret Disney Police are holding McKayley and several other trespassers in the Tiki Room. Each day, they get one Dole Whip that they all have to share, and are being monitored by Walt Disney’s frozen head.
Don’t worry though, this might actually be a good thing. The K.I.T’s research shows that 91% of grown adults who love Disney are just people who didn’t get bullied enough growing up. So McKayley, girlie, here is your hardship! Don’t let it go to waste! <3
Jokes We Waited to Tell About Joe Biden Because We Needed You to Vote for Him Really Bad
For a guy whose whole persona is about being old but cool, he’s put A LOT of people in prison for stuff Hunter Biden has probably done.
Biden reminds me of the random old men in the circle who will come up and start a completely one sided conversation with me that I absolutely did not ask for.
Before Joe, I never thought about how my hair might smell when sniffed without my consent.
Uses the aviator sunglasses to hide how he is probably staring at people’s boobs.
I’m sorry, can we go back to joke number one? Like 1994 Crime Bill anyone? Girlie literally wrote it.
Build Back Better is actually the worst campaign slogan I have ever heard and I want to punch whatever fucker remembered alliteration from their 9th grade English class.
Biden would be super nice to my face if he met me and then would turn to my white, male friend and call me “exotic” behind my back.
Senator from Delaware? We forgot Delaware was a state. Where is Delaware?
Joe didn’t think gay people should be allowed to get married for like a LONG time and then reversed his stance in 2012 so he could get a Lady Gaga endorsement and a thumbs up photo op at Stonewall.
My Middle Eastern parents never knew they needed the security of having all of their behavior monitored until Biden enthusiastically endorsed the Patriot Act. Thank you, Joe, for giving us this peace of mind <3
Smh, unlike some politicians of our time, Joe Biden definitely knows how to work across the aisle. Great example is when he voted for the Iraq war. Also The 1994 Crime Bill.
LETTER FROM THE EDITORS
Is this how I spend eternity?
We know you usually read our little publication for jokes about Struppa and sorority girls. We agree that given our track record we’re probably not qualified to influence your vote. And yet here we are...influencing your vote. For once, we are being serious: Please vote. And by that we mean vote for Joe Biden. As we hope you’ve noticed, we are NOT about that non-partisan bullshit over here at The Kumquat. We don’t really like Joe that much either, but given the extreme rate at which our country is deteriorating, we’re afraid of what another four years of tr*mp could look like.
If we find out you didn’t vote, boom, we will never hook up with you and we’re really hot and a little slutty so that’s a HUGE loss for you. Imagine never being able to tell your friends you hooked up with the absolute 10s that write for The Kumquat all because you fucked up like that. What else could possibly make you want to vote for Biden? Oh yeah, just basic human rights for people of color, immigrants, women, LGBTQ+ people, those who need healthcare, etc. Let’s do our best to make sure the world doesn’t burn so we can have kids who will someday go to therapy because of us.
Xoxo,
The Kumquat
All Couples That Got Together During Quarantine Confirm it was Just a Big Prank
Who created me? What purpose do I serve?
We know, we know. You’re sad, alone, frequently crying to Mitski by yourself in the dark… wondering how all these new Chapman couples somehow found love and happiness during a global pandemic... and how you, a boring loser, didn’t. But guess what. The Kumquat recently got word from juniors Ryan Thompson and Lindsey Friedman they were all collectively just messin’ with us! “I can’t believe everyone fell for this,” Friedman shared with a laugh. “Scheduling Facetime dates? Finding the strength to text one person consistently? You guys are just so dumb.”
It took a lot of planning and teamwork, from staged Instagram posts to scripted Snapchat stories for the couples to get this job done. But after months of hard work, their grassroots movement was a success. The team stayed on track by using a multi-tiered leadership structure, including frequent webinars, method acting training and hiring a diversity and inclusion chair.
“I was completely bamboozled,” said lonely sophomore Jason McAdams. “All my buds really got me on this one, and I did cry in my room for nights on end, but I can’t deny this was hilarious.” This prank was so massive and planned that some couples are still continuing to post and play along. So funny - keep up the good work, guys!
Heaven and Hell just Hell this year
I can’t remember anything. Why is this happening to me?
I came to Chapman for one reason and one reason only: to become the frat darling of the Class of 2023.
That dream shattered last December when I found bacteria cultures swimming in jungle juice at a PIKE party. I pocketed my Rudolph the red-nippled Reinwhore pasty that fell into the offending liquid, and decided to take it back to my home lab in Henley 118 for further testing.
I was shocked by the results. I tried to convince myself I was wrong. I must have fucked up somewhere. But, I couldn’t deny the novel coronavirus bacterium slide sitting in front of me. PIKE was up to trouble.
I tried to take my findings to Public Safety, but they just asked me if I registered my bike. Then I tried to tell my RA, Zachary Gordon, but he just told me to “shut the fuck up, I’m watching Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules” I felt hopeless in my journey to bring the truth to light. But, then I thought I’d email the kumquat.
(The Kumquat would like to take this chance to apologize for our late response but we were too busy having sex.)
Fire. Plague. Floods. I couldn’t have known then what was to come, but hindsight is 2020, and 2020 is Hell. Everything led back to PIKE, but what I couldn’t understand was why. Why commit high-treason against humanity? Set the entire West Coast on fire? Sabotage Super Tuesday?
Despite PIKE’s best efforts, I had a single, sobering moment.
It’s all been a Heaven and Hell pregame. And oh baby, this year is Hell.
Every Frat Guy Should Vote For Biden: Here’s Why
I have no clue how I got in here. I have no clue how to get out.
It’s a landmark year for American politics, but as the nation’s disenfranchised fight for their right to be treated as human beings, still others are asking questions like, “Why should I care?”, “How will this affect me?”, and “Who do you know here?” So, this one goes out all my boys playing die on the front lawn — here’s why Joe Biden is the ultimate frat star candidate.
The Trump administration is full of filthy fucking unaffiliateds. Think about it this way, bro: Trump is pro-police, which, by the law of equivalent exchange, makes Joe Biden pro-parties. You wanna keep hitting it raw? Trump wants to defund Planned Parenthood. Are you ready to be a Dad?
And just look at Don Jr.’s fucking face. That’s the kind of pussy who cries to IFC when you make him kill a handle. Meanwhile, Hunter Biden would get pref’d for Phi Delt AT LEAST. The guy got busted for doing coke in a VIP strip club, that’s like the definition of a stud.
Maybe you think voting is just too hard. Like, bro, I agree, but you’re forgetting you HAVE pledges. You think shotgunning ten Michelobs is hardcore? Try phone banking for Democratic candidates in Flagstaff, Arizona. That shit is next-level hazing.
So this election season, really think about who you’re giving a bid to for the presidency. And remember that only one of these candidates downplayed a pandemic which caused the death of hundreds of thousands of Americans and has the official endorsement of white supremacists. If you’re still undecided after all that, then get the fuck out of our house.
Sit The Fuck Down, Airbands 2020 is Still Happening
Hey! You! Yeah you man. You gotta fucking help me. I’m stuck in this website.
That’s right, you heard the girlies. Not even a global pandemic could slow down the ladies of Gamma Phi Beta, who are still committed to hosting you all, shitfaced in Memorial, just to watch a bunch of frat boys try to break dance in the name of charity.
When we asked junior Ciara Grant what philanthropy they were fundraising for, she simply answered, “umm...something about girls? And like running? Or wait, maybe like education? Girls running from school.”. It has been confirmed that the name of Gamma Phi’s philanthropy is actually Girls on the Run, which is somehow not about domestic violence and is literally about girls running.
Gphi assured The KQuat that all participants and audience members will be required to wear masks and sit the designated six feet a part, with an exception made only for those who REALLY want to pass a dab pen while p-safe isn’t looking. In this reporter’s humble opinion, the dab pen becomes necessary around the third time a white girl tries to lip sync to a Beyonce song. When we asked Chapman Greek Life how this event was green lit amidst COVID sanctions, we received a handful of Airbands tickets and a note that read “please stop writing articles about us”.
Psafe to Remove All Words/Statements/Phrases on Campus
Read the fucking article asshat.
On September 25th, The Queer and Trans People of Color Collective of Chapman arrived on campus to write the phrase “Black Lives Matter” in chalk and couldn’t even finish writing before PSAFE shut it down.
Here’s PSAFE’s response:
“Okay, okay, okay, did we stop QTPOCC from writing ‘Black Lives Matter’ on campus? Yes. Did we leave the Patriot Front stickers (ya know, the nazi ones) on campus a little too long? Okay, yeah, also yes. We’ve listened. We hear you. You are heard. To keep things fair and neutral, we will no longer allow any words, statements or phrases (W/S/P) to be posted anywhere on campus. This includes any W/S/P on signs, posters, nametags, tshirts, books, computer screens, chalk drawings, or nazi stickers of any kind. We will, over the course of this week, begin the process of removing each individual letter from every plaque, bulletin board and syllabus until every single W/S/P on campus is removed. Phase one will be on dewording Leatherby Libraries. Other phases will commence by the end of the month, we understand that this may be difficult to comprehend and hard to read - with these words disappearing in 30 seconds and all - but this is the ONLY way we can remain fair and neutral.”
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