"The K" Secret Donor Finally Revealed

Since its unveiling, the true identity of the K’s benefactor has been widely debated, but what if I told you that the answer has been right in front of you… all… along… 

Surprise!!!!!! It’s us!!!!! ‘The K’-umquat!!! Get it? I’m sure you're like, “Woah! Where’d you get the money for that?” It’s a long story but basically, our dad only gave us, like, 100k to start out and was like, “Invest, invest, invest!” And we did, right? And then we bought the K, and then from there have just grown, like, a very diverse financial portfolio. 

Our most recent investment is actually The Train Next to the K™, and it’s been… kinda awkward. They were like, “Yeah, we have to move the Train™ over 50 feet, cause it’s on a fault line, so… the K has to be torn down immediately.” And obviously that sucks, but like, maybe we could do something about it, if y’all… idk… got our Instagram to 10k or something? Not in a blackmail way. Just like, you do something for us that makes us happy, otherwise, I guess you’ll have to say goodbye to your precious little K. Guess that’s just what happens when we’re rich and you’re not!!!! Sawwwrrrry!!!!

Waitlists Resolved by Awesome Battle Royale

After over admitting hordes of anxious, tryhard freshmen, Chapman waitlists are at an all time high. As students claw and seethe for a chance at taking Spanish 102, provost Sally “Deathblow” Shredder has put forth a brilliant new initiative.

“Lets have them fight to the death,” says Deathblow, “if they want the seat that bad, lets see them hold their own in a Mad Max style free-for-all. Spot goes to the last one standing.”

This brutal battle royale will be held in the newly renovated “Wilkinson Blood-dome,” an elaborate arena complete with spike pits, supply drops, and weaponized Keck robot dogs. And while the new bloodsport is optional, hundreds of underclassmen are already slated to compete.

 “I just think taking French 201 early is worth the risk,” says freshman soccer player Cindy McDevitt, “it will be good for my four year plan, and I think my priority registration gives me access to a flamethrower.”

New Study Shows Set Pics on Instagram Directly Correlated to Amount of Sex Had

Lights… Camera… Sex?  No, we’re not talking porn, we’re talking horny Dodge majors constantly posting their set pics! Many attribute high sexual appeal to a person who’s consistently on set and therefore bound to do big things. Nothing gets a girl wet quite like a photograph of a gimbel. “I just want to be held the way he holds that boom mic” says Nina Ayres, sophomore, who hooked up with her classmate after seeing him post about funding his thesis. So film prod majors and wannabe film prod majors (creative producing), be sure to link your thesis to every social media account you own and don’t forget those little vine award film festival stamps since film posts with laurels are PROVEN to increase a man’s chances of making a chick orgasm by fifteen percent (so now there’s a seventeen percent chance!). If your thesis is 4k resolution and above, pucker up buttercup, and hope those fingers can do more than just edit on AVID. Film Production plans on celebrating this win with an orgy at some guy with a mustache’s house.

New Chapman Club Where They Watch Different Movies

Campus is dead. This school has gone to the dogs. Tumbleweeds drift across the piazza, the halls of Beckman lay empty and QDoba is a ghost town. It seems that nothing is getting students excited anymore. Well, all that is about to change. Chapman Community, let's give a warm welcome to a brand new club, where they watch different movies every week. “Look we get it. There’s a lot of movie clubs here on campus. The Reel Society, Club Documentary, Chapman Film Society, DKA… but there's something we have that they don't: we watch different movies. While they’re watching In the Mood for Love we might be watching La Haine, while they’re watching Dr Strangelove we could be watching movies like The Lobster,” says club president Mason Dickerson (MFA Film Studies) swirling a glass of red wine, “and we don’t just watch these movies… I don’t want to give toooo much away.. You’ll have to see for yourself.. But spoiler alert.. We discuss them.”

Santa Claus is Afraid of Delivering Presents to the “Hood?!”

The Saintiest Saint, Santa Claus is under fire after a 2022 FBI report revealed that those in marginalized communities have not been receiving presents. When pressed for questioning by Kumquat's only Black writer, Santa quickly avoided eye contact, clinched his sack tightly, rushed to his sleigh, and fled the scene.

“I just think it’s really unfair,” stated Kappa Alpha Theta member Chelsea Monroe. “African Americans deserve presents too. I’m sorry, I mean people of color. Not that I see color! That’s just the term they use.”

However, Monroe’s sentiments are not shared by those in the Black community. Qdoba employee, Darrell Jackson, stated, as he smoked medicinal cannabis in front of customers, “Shiiiittt. I don’t need some overweight ass, ho ho ho, nigga comin’ in my house drinkin’ up my milk and cookies. Dafuq! This ain’t a charity.”

His fellow employee, Destiny S. Child agrees with him, commenting, as she claps every syllable, “If this Krispy Kreme filled ass man comes down my chimney, he best believe, it’s on sight!” 

SafeRide to Begin Offering New Service to Naughty Students

Much like the Cold War’s Hollywood Blacklist, many students found themselves on SafeRide’s naughty list this past semester for abusing the service to get to parties, instead of home. For those seeking a safe escort to the party, SafeRide will now offer “SafeStalk”, in which a trained student will walk behind students at a reasonable, yet slightly uncomfortable distance. They will also accompany partygoers into the function to complain about how late it’s getting because they have work tomorrow. When the party draws to a natural conclusion, the SafeStalk representative will walk the student home but accidentally take them the wrong way so they will have to spend more time getting to know each other. 

After a long walk, the SafeStalk will then enter the student’s house to make sure they’ve completed their homework and ask if they can use their bathroom. After using their toothbrush, the SafeStalk will ask to sleep on the couch, because they’re tired and (remember) they have work tomorrow. Chapman hopes SafeStalk will promote healthier habits amongst students, like friendship, as well as solve the supposed housing ‘crisis’ from the beginning of the year.

Guy Participating in No Nut November has “Big Plans” for December 1st

This year, freshman Biochem major Richie Clark is saying “Yes!” to No Nut November. “My balls are the biggest and fullest they’ve ever been,” he said in regards to his sperm-filled testis and veiny, throbbing cock, “I’m going to unload unlike ever before. Just watch.”

Though some have told Clark that he’s “oversharing,” his roommates are fully in favor of the challenge. “This has been really good for the 6 of us with one dorm bathroom. He used to spend 45 minutes in the shower but now it’s gone down to just 3!”

While discussing his “manhood,” Richie Clark shared some vulnerability: “I ran into my past hookup in The Caf and they didn’t even lend me their support. Yeah we haven’t spoken since O-Week, but it’s really opened my eyes to how selfish people can be.”

Upon finishing the interview, Richie Clark and the visibly uncomfortable Kumquat reporter (male) couldn’t ignore the built up sexual tension and homoerotic subtext as a result of discussing his neglected member at length. Clark, with whispery breaths and trembling hands could feel himself almost bursting at the seams. “I don’t think I can do this anymore…do you have 7 minutes? A hole’s a hole.”e

Updated Chapman Budget Allocates Funds for Additional Dean

After some meddling little weasel journalists posted some supposedly ‘controversial’ finances online, Chapman chose to re-evaluate its budget, downsizing Struppa’s salary and doubling Dean Price’s PantherBucks (inflation). The new budget now accounts for the seven-figure salary of Dean Baniele Buppa. “Baniele’s the best! He’s such a charmer, and he wears the best hats!” Says Struppa, while clicking “No Tip” on the IPad at Contra. Oddly enough, we didn’t speak to the two together, as Struppa disappeared into another room moments before Buppa’s arrival. “It’s blasphemy. Some Redditors think I’m just Struppa with a different mustache and a fedora” claims Buppa, “but even if I was, where would I buy such silly items?”. According to the Chapman Visa bill, Amazon Prime Same Day Delivery. On an unrelated note, we recently heard that Bisa Barks(NOT Lisa Sparks in a wig) recently launched her 2024 presidential campaign! #GetOuttheVote #PanthersatthePolls

Bring Back Bullying: Someone Needs to Tell This Guy He Fucking Sucks

So, I just recently found out that this guy I know was talking shit about me. Specifically calling me a “bug eyed bitch he was just using to get on the Kumquat.” Well, guess what, he didn’t get on the Kumquat. He also is a male manipulator hidden behind nail polish and a pearl necklace. And yeah, maybe bullying is wrong or whatever, but sometimes people deserve it. And by people I mean the whitest man alive who appropriates AAVE when he’s literally from Illinois. Like seriously, for 21 years, nobody told you that the sound of your voice is like listening to a baby cry on a plane while “What Does the Fox Say?” by the Glee Cast plays in the background? Nobody told you that your presence in a room is worse than drinking expired chunky milk? At least I can throw expired chunky milk in the trash. I’ve never been more certain that someone deserves (and also has) a small penis. LOSER ALERT! Please, for the sake of the ecosystem, bring back bullying. The men who have never been bullied before NEED to be humbled.

Cool Professor is Liking Me Too Much….

This semester I made it my goal to become besties with my older, leftist, long hair, and bisexual professor. He seems like he would give me super good TV recommendations, like Game of Thrones or something that I’m too young to truly appreciate. Oh my gosh I was so excited! Until I got a little too close….. He started eating my sliced apples off my desk and giving me a little wink. Everyday I walk him to his car and he tells me about how his partner (wife) divorced him after he got a DUI. But lately he’s become so demanding as a friend…. it’s all me me me, not ‘let's talk about our friendship and the longevity of it’. And then yesterday I saw him hanging out with ANOTHER one of my classmates. She looked like she was asking him for a recommendation, but I’M THE ONE, not you slut. Whatever, I’m not walking him to his car. Please I need this, all my friends have a special professor friend, and I thought he was going to be mine. 

UPDATE: did not get an A+, bigggg fall out. 

Professor Hides Secret Clause in Syllabus that Names Him Beneficiary of your Will

“It really blows. Things that have been passed through my family for generations, our timeshare in Santa Barbara, my grandmother’s wedding ring, our secret family flan recipe, that I wanted to pass on to my own children… they all belong to Dr. Bradleys now.” Students in Contract Law 203 were shocked to find that the syllabus they all haphazardly agreed to at the beginning of the semester contained a devastating secret. Professor Nathan Bradleys had tricked his students into signing away all their worldly possessions. “I wanted to teach the students a lesson about contracts: always read the fine print! It’s obviously been an important one,” Dr. Bradleys explains, “So I took control of their estates. Big deal. That’s the mellow part, clearly nobody bothered to read section B4 where it says, ``On their wedding nights, I get to consummate all of their marriages.”

Inspiring New Charity Gives Dweebs A Chance to Get Laid

Here at the Kumquat, we are all about one thing: telling people we’re on staff after drinking too much. Also, charity. This month, we’re shouting out one specific charity that’s really made a difference in the community. When junior Brady Shuppert first came to Chapman, he had no idea if he’d ever boink his bonker. But after his first performance, he found his life irrevocably changed. “It went from ‘yes and’ to ‘yes ohh yyeaaahh’”. Improv Inc operates on a standard that everybody, especially really funny nerds, deserve a chance to get their funny bone tickled – and suckled if they so please. Improv Inc plans on putting all funds towards a scientific study on the research topic  ‘sex is like…’.  “If you wanna ‘support’ our cause, we just need a person, a place, and my thing.” Oh Brady, you dirty DAWG!!!!! As comedians ourselves, we’re thankful to have Improv Inc. making strides in such an under-the-radar community. Change is possible, take note infographic warriors.

Pete the Panther Pushes for More Ethnic Names for Panther Statues

You better hide yo kids, hide yo wife, because Pete the Panther is outraged over the lack of ethnic names for Panther statues. “If these silly muthafuckas think Harriet and Shanna are good enough, they’re wrong. Deadass,” stated Pete the Panther steppin’ out the house in his black leather jacket and beret. When asked why he so heated, Pete said, “Maannnn, if you have to ask me that, then you must not be payin’ attention, on God.” And he’s right. We have not been payin’ attention.

Pete’s push for name diversity has attracted supporters and what he calls “a bunch of haters.” BSU president, Treymayne Washington, stated in a press conference, “We claim him. But lowkey, Ion think that man black.” Member of Chapman Republicans, Craig DeSantis—no relations—has formally opposed Pete’s position. As he bulldozed the piazza to make way for fracking, he claimed, “The statues are already black! You can’t get any more ethnic than that.” But Pete remains strong, holding his raised fist high and chanting “The revolution will not be televised.”

The K Cooking: Thanksgiving Turkey on a Budget

1. Season turkey cutlets with salt and pepper. Add to uncovered ripping hot pan. Let olive oil splatter onto the counter.

2. Drop potatoes in boiling water from high altitude to allow the water to splash out onto the counter and stove top. Once potatoes are fork-tender, drain water and add the rest of roommate’s butter and mash (note: if roommate doesn’t want you to use their butter, then use the rest of their milk instead).

3. Plate your dry turkey cutlets and mashed potatoes on two different plates. When done eating, leave both plates on the counter to attract flies and ants. Leave unwashed pot and pan in sink for roommate to clean.

4. Take another pot and pan and coat them with oil and leave those in the sink as well, for no fucking reason other than to give your roommate more shit to deal with.

5. Drop roommate’s favorite mug on the ground, the one gifted by their late grandma. If big pieces remain, break them into smaller shards that can’t be repaired. Tell roommate to “get off your back” even though you knew how much that mug meant to them.

Happy Thanksgiving! No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

It’s Thanksgiving time again. Or, in other words, it’s time for all of my extended family members to ask me if I have a boyfriend. Well, guess what, the answer is still no. And even if I did have a boyfriend, I can guarantee that he would not be more interesting to talk about than me. Have you met the guys that go to Chapman? My response to this boyfriend question is consistently, yearly, met with some sort of sympathy, sadness, or shock. And then THAT’S IT! No further questions. Well, guess what! Little do you people know, I just recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. Right after I discovered the cure for cancer and landed a plane full of 200 passengers safely on a lake. Yeah, that’s right. I also invented a new language, wrote a new encyclopedia with it, and sold it to Elon Musk. Now I have a guaranteed Twitter check mark. But just to answer your question, no I do not have a boyfriend. Sorry. Thanks for asking me something about myself, I guess.

From the Editor's Desk

BOOO!!! 

Did I scare you? It’s me, the anti-editor. I know, it’s been a while since you heard from me. I’m an aloof kid, figuring it all out one day at a time. I took a long break to travel the world. I went to the furthest coasts (newport) and the highest mountains (laguna) to try and find myself and figure out exactly what I wanted to take a stand against. 

After years on the road, I’ve decided I am anti-cars that smell like the cheese stick wrappers from when I ate those eight cheese sticks two hours ago. I don’t know where I’m going with this.

OH! one fun secret staff update: I almost got “coup d’etat”-ed (violently overthrown). Apparently it’s hard to have a leader who “does not like anything, including this job (unpaid) and the other writers (stupid).” I got out of it by threatening to post my nudes on the Instagram (ugly).

In-Person Classes Canceled After Lincoln Statue Comes to Life and Eats Puppies and Children

Chapman has mandated all classes immediately switch to online instruction after the newly installed Abraham Lincoln statue came to life and, according to Dean of Students Jerry Price, “ate, like, a fucking kid and her dog, goddammit.” The “fucking kid” was high schooler Dani Peralti who was touring campus with her family and little pomeranian when, at the stroke of nightfall, the Lincoln statue lept from its platform with glowing crimson eyes and attacked the group. “Its jaw unhinged like a python and consumed my daughter in one gulp,” mother Jennifer Peralti lamented. 

When approached for comment, Daniele Struppa, Norma Bouchard, Matt Parlow, Colette Creppell, and the rest of the Chapman administration refused to leave the salt circle they placed inside the Fish Interfaith Center. “Are you all fucking stupid? What are you doing here, the statue might hear us!” Matt Parlow noted. Dean of Ancient Evils Salaazar Bloodhorne was more optimistic of the situation. “All according to plan…,” he mused.

Man Bitten by Chapman Robot Now Werewolf-Robot-Thing

On a class trip to see the Boston Dynamics Robots in Keck, Fifth Year Student Oba Oliberg was unfortunately bitten. “I swear he never does anything like this,” claims the Dean of Mad Science, Dr. Salaazar Bloodhorne, with a robot dog on his lap, “he’s usually such a good boy. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You're a good boy! Yes you are! You are!”. We got an exclusive interview with the bitten student, “It’s got that weird claw for a head and it just reached out and ripped a chunk out of my leg. A few hours later I noticed my skin was turning chrome, it’s fucking weird man.” Incidentally, there have been reports of a large humanoid robot with a claw for a head leaving a trail of battery acid through the corridors of Lastinger. At the crack of midnight, some say they heard a bloodcurdling howl that sounded like, “00101100100010010”.

Feminism Saved: Hot Girl Dresses as Pitbull for Halloween

After watching a Fleabag video essay on YouTube, Audrey Hammond decided to spend this Halloween destroying the patriarchy (and getting shitfaced). “You have no idea how hard it is being this hot all the time,” says Hammond, entirely unaware of how much I pull. This year, Hammond will don a a bald cap and a fresh persona: Pitbull* (*Dawg, not dog). Hammond can’t wait to take her sexiness to the next level, by adding a plurality to her identity that’s bound to increase her likeability tenfold. “I can be sexy and funny,” claims Hammond, before comparing herself to Steinem, Woolf, and Ladybird. Hammond says she’s not better than others dressed like “dirty disgusting pig-snouted whores who bring shame to the feminist movement and should be burned at the stake.” But, her 10.3k followers (microfluencer) will know that she is.

Halloween Cancelled for Gay People due to Lack of Good Couples’ Costumes

Gay marriage was sooo 2015. Now, gay people are as equal as normal people in every aspect but one: couples costumes for Halloween. Where regular couples have Joker and Harley Quinn, gay boys have Kurt and Blaine. Standard folk have Hazel Grace and Augustus Waters, lesbians have Santana and Brittany. Usual people have Harry and Sally, queers have Rachel Berry’s dads. 

“It’s a classic case of straight privilege,” lesbian “person” Ruby Colby ‘23 says. “I wish it was possible to do the classic ketchup and mustard with my girlfriend, but we’d have to do mustard and mustard, and I look terrible in yellow.” 

More homosexuals are speaking out on this issue. “We’re running out of Glee characters,” says Billiam Haunts ‘23, gay. “Last year my partner and I went as Mr. Schu and Ricky Martin when he guest-starred that one episode.”

What can you do? Sign the petition to renew Glee for one more season to bring more costumes to under-privileged gay couples.