Don’t Worry, Senior Prank Still On

Class of 2020 let me hear you mute those motherf*ckin mics! Resident Kumquat Senior NiceGirl666 here and I’m not gonna lie, bros, this shit blows d*ck. In a bad way. This was supposed to be OUR year. The one where we got to do some cool ass prank that cements our class’ place in Chapman history, like a pigeon shit covered bust near the library. Listen, we had some amazing years together. We survived Playfair, we survived cilantro lime chicken and we will survive this stinky pandemic. We’ll remember it all, the undie run blackouts, the ROAR of the crowd at a legendary lacrosse game and, especially, Paul’s Piazza Pasta Party hosted by Marybelle and S.Paul Musco in the Fahmy Attallah, Ph.D. Piazza.

 I want to be positive, but I can’t. Not when we’re unable to culminate our years of course evaluations with a GODDAMN SENIOR PRANK. Therefore, I propose we stick to our ORIGINAL plan. The one we ALL agreed on. That’s right, Chapman Class of 2020 is going to hold in their pee. I know, iconic. Then, right before the Duffer Bros conclude their Stranger Things fanfic of a commencement speech, we let it loose, absolutely pissing our stoles. I’m talkin’ newborn puppy meets Austin Powers fresh out of a coma asparagus pee vibes. 

Class of 2020, I love you. We are epic. We are pranksters. We are damaging our kidneys. We are Chapman.  

Health Update: Dodge Sophomore needs Artsy Undie Run pregame or She Will Combust

Sophomore Film Production major Lauren Dib is in critical condition. “It’s been 70 days since my last Dodge party, and as Undie Run approaches, I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”  Dib shared. When we began to ask about her thoughts on the pressing global pandemic, she interrupted, near tears, “I just need to wear my bedazzled pink cowboy hat and take disposables again. I’m growing weaker day by day.” Shortly after, Dib called her doctor and begged for an appointment. Dr. Robert Naturman told us, “She is not experiencing a single medical issue right now. I am trying to help my patients who are truly struggling, also please stop interviewing me.” Dib mailed us an unopened box from a Fashion Nova lingerie haul, which was covered in blood reading, “If I’m not wearing lace underwear and a white button down shirt, I’ll die.” Dib has ended up turning to a “home remedy” of laying on the floor of her dark bedroom listening to the audio of the one year ago snap memories in her Target sports bra. 

P-Safe Has Swords Now

The Kumquat sat down with officers Matt Davidson and Kendall Kearnan to ask them how things are changing: “Up until now, we’ve relied on verbal intimidation to fight crime on campus, but now, with this pandemic we had no choice but to use swords. The consensus was unanimous, we had to do it like they did with The Black Plague in 1342.” said Davidson “Just look at the statistics! Ever since we’ve implemented Operation Sharp and Pointy, campus crimes have gone down 1,000%” added Kearnan “We knew we needed these ancient weapons of war to fight the real issues on campus, the ones that people refuse to talk about, lurking in frat parties and Economic majors dorms. The issues that are dividing not only Chapman, but the world as a whole: Dragons.”

13 Reasons Why I Deserve To Fuck Timothée Chalamet

1. I am in Dodge. 

2. I am the next Greta Gerwig (probably).

3. I know curly haired film boys. 

4. Whenever I see business major, Lexi Freund, post on her insta story with a Timmy Tik Tok, I scream at my phone. Liking him does not give you a personality. This is white on white cultural appropriation. 

5. I have a friend of a friend who lives in New York and knows someone who maybe fucked him. It’s crucial that I have the opportunity to befriend my future eskimo sister. 

6. Ok, so you saw Little Women? i AM Little Women. 

7. I have great tits. 

8. I made a sign that said “I need a haircut and also to get railed by Timothée Chalamet” at the anti-social distancing protest in the circle I attended with my grandparents. 

9. I got on a plane headed to New York. Fuck the government, fuck frontline workers, fuck me Timothée. 

10. I’m outside Timothée’s apartment. Ever since the protest I have been feeling icky (specifically flu like symptoms with an aggressive cough and congestion). Hot of me. (temp wise)

11. After Timothée didn’t answer the door, I came back home and ate bagels with my grandparents, which are Timothée’s favorite food!!

12. I went to my grandparents’ joint funeral.

13. I am severely disappointed in Timmy’s lack of attention towards me. I’m over him. I have information that he spread chlamydia to most of NYU. However, I have heard that Harry Styles is quarantining in LA and we all know he’d go down on me...

Pete the Panther Quarantining at Home in the Fucking JUNGLE

CHAPMAN - While many panthers struggle to adjust to quarantining at home, one notable Chapman figure lacks sympathy for students. “All I hear is how hard this is for the students” said Pete. “I’d like to see them maintain six feet of distance while absolutely fucking wrecking an antelope for every meal”. That’s right, Chapman’s beloved mascot has taken off his shock collar and is back at home in the jungle. Pete’s mother, Peggy the Panther, tells Kumquat reporters that Pete has been growing frustrated with boredom. “You have to understand, Pete is used to standing in front of tens of roaring fans at Chapman football games. We try to entertain him here, but it’s different” Pete’s been making the most of his time at home however. While his mom and brother just look at leaves and trees and shit like that, Pete has been sprinting at 40 god damn miles an hour through endless natural obstacles while being chased by a fucking tiger just to feel something. “That was exciting. But nothing will compare to when I can finally see Chapman basketball go on a thrilling fourth quarter 10-4 run to win a game 43-36.”

Students Look Forward To Spending Three Months at Home After Three Months at Home

As spring semester winds down, Chapman students everywhere can’t contain their excitement at the prospect of being responsibility-free. That’s right, it’s summer, the only time of year where you can finally sit around the house and do nothing!

“Summertime is here!” proclaims junior Anne Elise Babel. “The only thing that got me through quarantine was smoking and day drinking in my Orange house. Now, I can’t wait to return to my Presbyterian family, where I have to pretend I’m saving myself for marriage. Plus, the only guy that sells weed in my hometown is a registered sex offender! I can’t wait!”

“I hated online classes because they sometimes made me remember what day it was!” complains grumpy grad student Maiya, who is working towards a war and society masters for some reason. “Now that classes are over, I’m saying fuck it to memorable experiences and letting those days melt into weeks, baby! Time to loosen my grip on reality and the very concept of time as a forward progression!”

 All this Kumquat journalist has to say is, at least you don’t have to write dumb satire articles about a niche campus culture that hasn’t existed for 2 months. 

An Ode to Undie Run

Zip, slosh, stomp, clink

Take off your pants 

And Merideth Heika sip a goddamn drink 

This is an ode to the beautiful, an Ode to the Wise

This is an ode to the people that even shaved their thighs

I can’t wait to see you in the box inside of zoom

But disappointed our privates won’t be going boom boom

We grieve for the traditions we will miss

We grieve for all the “just-friends” we will not kiss

I long for the pregame, my friend fucked the host so it’s chill

I long for my 8am final the next day, and for all the advil

I want the pre-pre games with the lukewarm beers

I want to see the girl from italian 102 who I sometimes flirt with and we’re both with our friends so we aren’t gonna like talk for a long time but we say Hi and then she disappears.

Reminiscing now, I weep for all that I remember.

Undie Run, I beg you, please come back in December 

The Kumquat’s Guide to Sex

SAFE

Condoms are in short supply. The CDC has asked that you sew your own.

Cyber-sex is in! Meet your partner in your Igloo, or at the Dojo!

Stay six feet apart. If you don’t have the length... that’s on you my guy.

The only true form of safe sex, as we’re all aware, is ass play.

BUT, for some of us, no sex is an option. Fire off a horny tweet, admire the curves on your favorite wine glass, and call it a night. 

DANGEROUS (HOT)

Simultaneous kickflips off the DMAC parking garage, but you’re inside each other the 

whole time. 

Chainsaws (No mask)

Okay so it’s like the kiss from the Tobey MacGuire Spiderman but you’re eating butt instead. 

Rollerblades (No helmet)

Fuck with your puffle watching XD

Are you familiar with the phrase “bomb coochie”?

I Want a Baby?

Maybe my circadian rhythm is off, maybe it’s because I keep getting wine drunk at noon, or maybe the constant Little Caesars delivery is throwing my hormones askew. My man-uterus is fucking screaming lately— I think I wanna have a kid. I saw this video where Patton Oswalt made his kid do accents? Picture that! Tiny little baby face but then it says, “Wewl ahm jus gonna jot down to de pub iz ‘at alrah wif you dada?” ACK!! SIGN ME UP!!!

I know I shouldn’t. All I have available to feed a baby is blunt roaches and popcorn chicken, BUT I want one. Do you think I could get a loaner? These couples keep walking past my house with their babies in a stroller almost as if they WANT to give me one. I’m still googling, but as a single man with close to no income right now, it seems unlikely that I’ll be able to get ahold of or give birth to a baby anytime soon. It’s for the best probably, because when this is all over and I can finally unwind I’m going to blackout for two months, wake up in an eastern European sex cult and have to hitchhike my way back to Chapman just in time for fall semester, and you can’t do all that with a baby by your side… can you? 

Panther Village Residents Allowed To Stay Because Honestly Who Really Cares

Last month, students from Pralle to The K packed up their dorms & made the long journey back to the Bay. However, one group of on-campus residents stayed put. The Kumquat has learned that Chapman is allowing students at Panther Village to stay in their apartments because honestly, whatever. Located somewhere and currently holding some number of students, PV is the number one housing choice for students who just found out Glass is full. Despite the risks of staying in campus housing, students seem to feel relatively safe. One RA was quoted as saying “How would the Coronavirus find Panther Village? My friends can’t even find Panther Village.” This development has been a rare victory for an apartment complex 47% of the school doesn’t believe really exists, a group known as “PV Deniers”. Despite a global pandemic, it looks like Panther Village will remain Chapman’s premiere spot to hide my murder victims. 

Friend’s Coronavirus Podcast “Uninspired”

Senior Tommy Beckendorf’s new podcast is proof that just because you have time to make something, doesn’t mean you should. The podcast, titled “Coronaviral,” is as interesting as a ninety-minute butt-dial voicemail and equally unintelligible. Hosted by Tommy and his colorless friend Derek, the first episode delves into topics like Tommy’s bitch of a mother, Derek’s hot take on This Is Us, and how “ahead of his time” Andrew Yang was. The show attempts to differentiate itself by having everyone drink Corona beers, a primarily visual gag on an audio podcast. 

“Coronaviral”’s release was preceded by a weeklong social media campaign, where Tommy and his friends posted black screens on their Instagram stories with the caption “monday. 4/13. #bringyourowncorona.” Tommy describes the show as “just a couple of guys hanging out.”

“We just wanted to give people a little bit of light and laughter in these crazy and uncertain times,” says Tommy at the beginning of each episode. Unfortunately, this podcast lacks both light and laughter, and only makes the listener want to socially distance themselves from Tommy’s shitty voice. Maybe next time, Tommy should invite his comedy writer friend who’s both interesting and free on Wednesday nights? Just a suggestion. ;)

RA Struggles to Adjust Back to Lawless Home

Kaylee Jones is having a difficult time back home in San Jose after being stripped from her title of Pralle Resident Advisor. “I have to share a bathroom with my brother again,” Jones said. “He refused to complete a Suitemate Agreement. I tried to have a mediation about his reckless whizzing and massive stinky doodoos, but he just slammed his door and blasted G-Eazy. Even AFTER 10pm.” But Thursday, the stakes rose after an incident with Jones’s mother. “I was in my room when I heard it… The Clink. I rushed out clutching my Clipboard and G-2 Pilot Pen and caught her with an open bottle of Merlot. Before I knew it, I was asking for her ID & reciting Residence Life’s alcohol policy. I almost called P-Safe.” This past weekend, tensions were at their highest after Jones witnessed a fight between her parents.“I decided to plan a program, gather supplies, and plaster Canva posters all over the house to try to help. ‘Divorce and Donuts’ did not go over well. My brother did take like 25 donut holes to hoard in his room, but he didn’t sign in or stay for my presentation.”  

Mom, come here, I need you take another thirst trap of me

Hey. Hey, Mom. Mama. My beautiful madre. Mommy!!! Come on, it’s time! It’s finally golden hour. I just spent 2 ½ excruciating hours getting ready in my room. We’re going to the backyard. We HAVE to take another hot and irresistible, but casual and effortless, picture for my Instagram. I don’t care that you’re almost done with your puzzle- this is urgent. Trevor from English has to see I dyed my hair. The crock pot can wait! My drying eggs CAN’T. Likes from my quarantine crushes are my only source of happiness at this point, and I need to get all 14 this time. 

No! I cannot do another “pre-social distancing” or “take me back” post. Okay, thank you. Can you, like, squat down? Is this lighting good? Wait, my brown eyes in the sun… get closer. Lemme see. Perfect. This could be the one. Yeah, I’m thinking of captioning it something like “in need of a quarantini” or “me before my Zoom class lol.” Maybe even “broke out the jeans, how crazy” or “went to my backyard today.” MOM. Mama. My beautiful madre. Mommy!!! Now portrait mode. 

Roomies Face Homoerotic Subtext

Quarantine with the girls has taken a yearnful turn at a local Dodge house. Confined within the walls of their Orange rental, roommates Bella and Amy are finally forced to face their longtime sexual tension, sources have confirmed. 

During a recent quarantine movie night, Bella tried dropping hints by organizing a Portrait of a Lady on Fire and Carol double-feature. 

Amy was suspicious. “I noticed she clipped her nails earlier that day, but that could be a coincidence,” she tweeted from her private Euphoria stan account.  

Bella opted for a more obvious route with her 5-star Letterboxd reviews, along with a review that reads, “really makes you think huh………….” Despite Bella’s efforts, Amy is still in the vibe check phase. She has been rewatching Glee and closely monitoring the Santana X Britney storyline for clues. Amy told The Kumquat, “I found a Spotify playlist she made titled ‘Her’ full of Soccer Mommy, King Princess, and Girl in Red…. what do you think it means??” 

Bella’s hints continue to stack up, with her TikTok likes showing consistent support of Amy’s skate tutorials. Additionally, Bella’s blog (sapphic-fantasy.tumblr.com) has featured some rather suggestive halved citrus imagery.    

Sources tell us Amy is close to pulling trig. “Fuck it, we’re seniors,” Amy said. “I think it’s about time to have my first orgasm.” 

Greek Life Calls Coronavirus a Little Bitch

While coronavirus is causing global hysteria, Chapman Greek Life has their own take on how to deal with the pandemic. “I keep getting Facebook invites for frat parties and part of me is like, woah that’s so unsanitary but the other part of me wants to get really drunk and forget that any of this is happening to me,” says Anna, a senior. 

But don’t worry, precautions are being taken. “We’ve been spraying febreeze like crazy so you don’t have to worry. Plus the parties are now byob (bring your own bong) and we aren’t all sharing mouth stuff,” says Chase, a junior in Fiji. He also said, “personally, I’ve made the decision to socially distance from girls who aren’t at least an eight so I’m really taking this shit seriously.” Senior Clint Frenson takes it a step further saying, “Imma slam it doggy only.” 

“I’m going to as many parties as I can because I want to get asked to a frat formal,” says Emily, a sophomore who’s hot enough where she doesn’t really feel a sense of impending doom. We tried to remind her that frat formals are cancelled but she was already deep into her bottle of peach New Amsterdam that she refused to share because of “gross”. Just know that Chapman frats want you at their parties instead of quarantine except please don’t bring hand sanitizer since it’s alcohol content is over 15% :(  

It's raining? What the fuck?

Guys did you notice the insanity of what has been happening this weekend... it’s fucking RAINING? I mean...rain in sunny Orange??? What the heck?! This feels like the apocalypse! This never happens! It never rains here! The clouds are so big and so grey! And the streets are so, so wet! It feels like we are all living in some crazy movie...like a movie where it is raining! You can tell it’s raining because when you wake up in your Davis Apartment the light outside is dim and it sounds like someone is shaking seashells in a cardboard box! So calming! I will say... I love the smell of the rain and how it leaves everything so clean. I can’t believe how crazy this all is! The rain, baby!!! Look at it!!! 

How to Flirt in Zoom Class

1. Create a discussion thread on Blackboard Canvas where you simply review each of the hot people in your class on a numerical basis. People love honest feedback. 

2. DM hot classmates on Instagram even if you’ve never talked saying you know how Canvas works if they need help. Maybe accidentally send a nude and reply “oops how did that get there”

3. Wear a low cut shirt during your Zoom class and “accidentally” flash the camera to see if anyone’s paying attention. Can be one boob out or two, it’s up to you. 

4. During your one on one skype session with your hottest professor, steer the conversation to be about how mature you are both emotionally and physically given that your immune system is super strong and you “could probably make out with like anyone right now.”

5. Make sure to hang a sex swing behind you that is in frame for class, so that you can hint to people how freaky you are. This one is the most subtle. 

6. Reply all to your professor’s panicked emails with how you’re really disappointed by the Trump administration’s handling of the recent pandemic.  That’s really smart of you and being smart is hot.

Chapman Too Horny

Isolation isn’t treating the Chapman Community too kindly. Senior Chet Chetsky said, “I miss person to person contact. I miss my hot professor. But at least I still get to see his broad shoulders on zoom.” The students are all capital H HORNY and the pandemic seems to be cockblocking them hard. Horny tweets have risen an alarming 63% as social media users are crying out for literally anyone to come and shack up with them in the recently penned “coughing season.” Shana O’hara said she is so tired of receiving texts saying, “I would spit in your mouth...but the climate” or “I’d rail you so hard, but it is irresponsible to go outside”.  

There’s nothing the student body doesn’t want to fuck. Chetsky tweeted that “the morlan couch is lookin like a damn snack” on Tuesday and it has since been covered in an alarming wet spot.

In a recent “ask us anything lol” someone asked the Kumquat, “I think my boner is too full. Should I go to Urgent Care?” And we think you should reach out to your dad’s doctor friend first.

Stay healthy panthers, and try to pretend your hands are someone else’s. 

The world is ending, I should text my ex, right?

In the midst of this chaos, I have decided that now is an opportune time to reach out to my ex. You know, I just have to make sure she’s feeling ok. I’m not like trying to get back together or anything. That would be crazy. Unless she like wanted to or something. But like that’s for sure not the main goal. I wasn’t even thinking about that. I don’t like desperately miss the way she smells so I gave my roommate the Tresemme shampoo she used so that when he walks past me it feels like she is there...  I just think it would be nice to check in to see if she needs soap or toilet paper or nonperishable goods or someone to hold her tight and tell her that everything will be alright. But like mainly I’m just concerned about her health. I’m not worried about those guys in her instagram stories recently, this is purely about her well being. Obviously, whatever she needs I’ll drop everything to provide that for her but like in a platonic way. We’re working on remaining friends, even though we haven’t talked in like 2 months. I still consider her to be my best friend so I'm worried about her. I’m also not stressing over the fact that she hasn’t checked in on me yet or anything. She probably just remembers that I have a strong immune system.

What Was Left When I Went to Ralph’s

Protein Packed Chickpea Pasta

I don’t need more protein. I have so much protein. From all my meats (currently frozen).

Flamin’-Hot Ruffles

Who the fuck smoked too much marijuana and thought this was a good idea? Whoever thought this was a good idea should be arrested. Just thinking of them makes me want to cry.

Meatless-Vegan Jerky

A fake product. This is probably worse for you than cigarettes.

Lemon Oreos

The moment one of these disgusting dog treats touches your tongue you age 60 years. 

Dasani

No comment.

Caramel M&Ms

Bitch, buy a Milky Way.

Edamame Pasta

Not real pasta. Slime incarnate. I’m angry now.

Kidney Beans

No thanks.

Cheerios 

Psych Cheerios fuckin rock. You know we’re starting the morning with a hearty breakfast. No cholesterol for me.

Muscle Milk 

Once again, I don’t need more muscles. I have so many muscles. From all my meats (again currently they are in the freezer).