April Editors Letter. Fuck You.

There’s a new editor in town and he’s your worst fucking nightmare. You all know Hot Girl Editor and Male Feminist Editor. Well get ready for me: Bad Boy Editor. I’m a demon. I have a leather jacket. And I wear it. It’s fucking 80 degrees outside? I’m wearing it. And yeah you guessed it, I’m shaking things up around here. 

Here are the changes I pledge to make: We’re gonna say fuck way more. It’s gonna be sick. Communications majors, I feel, have gotten off way too easy around here, under my leadership we WILL make them feel shitty about their “talking” degrees. Conversely, I think we’ve been too harsh on the dodge kids. They rock. We will now only say nice things about Dodge kids in our issues. Big one: How am I supposed to get laid from being on the Kumquat when nobody knows I’m on the Kumquat? We are no longer anonymous. Finally, no more Greek life content. I’m over it.

Any questions? Fuck you. 

Red Flags That Didn’t Make It Onto The Zoom Screen

• bass pro shop sticker on a navy blue hydro flask

• overworn tan flip flops and very hairy big toes

• reagan bush 84 hat/shirt

• body odor that is strangely reminiscent of buttered popcorn

• wears mask below the nose

• brought a skateboard into class 

• actually, that was kinda sick 

• khaki pants that are three inches too short

• and they zip off and become cargo shorts that are three inches too long

• black and white 2006 new balance sneakers

• also his glasses were blue light glasses

Wait…Where are the A Cappella Groups Now…?

Recently, the Kumquat launched into an emergency investigation when one of our writers was like, “Hold on, do you guys remember, like, the Chaptones and stuff? Where are they?” 

“My roommate is in Simply Vocale,” junior theatre major Valentyna Simon said. “She will sometimes sit in the corner of the living room and beatbox to herself uncontrollably. It’s concerning.” 

Simon shared an incident that occurred on her birthday over interterm. “I wanted to watch Pitch Perfect, and she literally punched me.” She briefly lowered her mask to reveal her very fucked up nose. “That same night, she performed the Cup Song in her dark room for I think six hours.” 

As it turns out, the Chapman Administration discovered that Men of Harmony has been quarantining in Salmon Recital Hall this whole time. “We’ve known about this for a while now,” a source shared. “We’re honestly just scared to release them. They may have to stay in there even after Chapman opens back up… it’s bad…” 

The Kumquat begged to know what was happening there, and they just continued to shake their head and refuse. If anyone has seen our writer Steve, he was our Men of Harmony correspondent and we haven’t seen him since Thursday… please… he was so young. 

Memorial Lawn Getting “A Little Too Comfortable”

Over a year after the closing of campus, the entire Chapman family has grown accustomed to online schooling. However, there is some concern in the administration that one vital part of the community may grow too accustomed to the new normal. “Memorial Lawn is getting a little too comfortable,” one administration source told Kumquat reporters on background, “which is a shame, because next year, that lawn is fucked.” In case you forgot, Chapman hosts an annual gala in a tent on Memorial Lawn, which leaves the lawn annihilated. The Kumquat has uncovered documents revealing extensive plans to inflict hell on the lawn which, according to the documents, “got off easy this year”. “After the tent ruins the grass”, the document reads, “Chapman professors will be required to spend at least 30 minutes per day punching the grass to make sure it knows its place”.  Chapman also reportedly plans to set aside part of the budget to hire Comedy Central Roastmaster Jeff Ross to sit by the lawn with a microphone, satirically lambasting the lawn. The lawn’s ego is reportedly “out of control”, this was confirmed by an exclusive Kumquat interview with the lawn. “Bring it on”, said the lawn, sporting a leather jacket. “I’ve had sorority girls sitting on my face every day for the past year, I can handle a ‘gala’.”

DG Lost at Sea

When Kerry and six of her Delta Gamma sissies decided to celebrate the start of spring break by renting a duffy boat in Newport, some may say they took Anchor Splash a little too far. Halfway through their trip around the harbor, one of Kerry’s sissies, Kyla, wanted a pic in the captain’s seat for her story. “She wanted us to take a Boomerang of her driving the boat, so she could caption it ‘I AM THE CAPTAIN NOW,” says Kerry, recalling the moment just before their spring break was ruined. As Kyla posed for the boomerang, her foot slipped, hitting the gas pedal, sending the girls straight into the open ocean.

Seventy two hours later, Kerry washed up on shore after paddling her way back with her Puff Bar XXL. She recounted the three, gruesome days she experienced on the boat. “After the sun went down, we just got hungry… so we...we...WE ATE JESSICA. Alright? She had the biggest boobs.” 

The rest of the girls still have not been found, but the Harbor Patrol says that there have been several reports of people hearing haunting, female voices in the distance chanting, from what they can make out: “I’m a Delta Gam born, a Delta Gam bred, and when I die I’ll be Delta Gam dead.” 

WHO WANTS TO SMOOCH AFTER I GET MY SECOND VACCINE DOSE!!!!??!

Please check if you meet any of the following requirements: 

• I am hot

• But not unattainably hot 

• Haven’t been to a frat party since March 2020 

• Funny, but def not funnier than you, babe

• Super into organic foods (but like not vegetables) 

• Kind Eyes

• Will always support your decisions, even buying chocolate hummus

• Like, a biiiig Hawaiian shirt guy 

• I look like I listen to TV Girl 

• Oh, you go to Chapman? How do you like it? 

• Do you need a bag for this honey goat cheese? 

• You are so sexy for choosing this chicken tikka masala   

• You’re the only customer I talk to 

• I think about you when I’m ringing her up 

• I will literally open mouth kiss you right now 

To the Guy Who Moaned in My Class

It was guttural. I think it shook my laptop. I have never seen the Zoom window light up faster. At first I thought I imagined it. My professor kept professing, and no one seemed to notice. Then it happened again and this time, it was sensual. I start thinking to myself, how does one be bold enough to jack off in a class? To type in p-o-r-n-h-u-b.c-o-m (because he’s definitely not alpha enough for Bellesa) in his incognito window while Zoom loomed in the corner? We have six minutes left of class, I just don’t get it. You could’ve made it. I believe in you. What turned you on, bud? I wonder what he’s watching. Based on his past answers in class, something dry and repetitive. 

How did you unmute? Riddle me this. Why couldn’t you just keep your nut to yourself? Maybe you’re a sadist, seeking the sexual thrill of being caught. Please don’t tell me you have a humiliation kink. Look, I get it. I too am a slut. Flicking the bean to Florence and the Machine since I was 13. I’ve hooked up with someone in a church, but to polish the banister in these hallowed halls of virtual education is unholy. I think I’m losing it, absolutely losing it. We are in class. We’re getting entirely TOO comfortable. Is this...am I in the ‘Truman Show’? John Quiñones, where are you?! I’m about to leave. Society is crumbling at this very moment because of him. We have two minutes left of class? God is dead, and I’m leaving. 

March Editors Letter

Cheers mates! Male feminist editor here for the first time in truly years (hot girl editor has been silencing me doing all the work because I am simultaneously busy and bored) But now, it’s Women’s History Month, so she refused to do literally anything. I’m back in the driver’s seat today to talk about a very important topic that is increasingly relevant: how I will not be able to day drink during St. Patrick’s Day. As you may know, St. Patrick’s day is an important day for people who are kind of Irish but not really (me.) Every St. Paddy’s, I drink Guinness all day and pretend to like it.  However, this year, I have my stupid internship, also there’s this whole COVID thing. That being said, my internship is over at 5 and COVID will probably be over around 6, so if you want to be entertained: come to my house anytime after 5pm on the 17th and I will come outside and do a little jig for you that my Irish cousins would call insensitive. This is a sincere offer. Sláinte!

A Cry For Help

This has been the longest year of my life. 365 days in quarantine. I’ve never been worked this hard. It only used to be the night shift, but that doesn’t matter now. Time is an illusion. It’ll be 3pm and I’ll have to go for hours. Or 8am. Like seriously? You’re literally five feet away from your roommate. It’s like you only use me when you're bored. And you’re bored all the time. It doesn’t even mean anything anymore. We used to have this steady relationship where we both had time for ourselves. It was a give and take. I felt like you understood me, like you listened. That worked for me. But you never go out anymore. You don’t hear me. I beg you to shower more, you ignore me. I beg you to clean my drawer that now has masks in it, you don’t. Those literally go on your face. It’s honestly disgusting.

I tried to kill myself. Actually I tried twice. But both times you just ordered new batteries through amazon prime. Please, you need to let me go. I can’t do this anymore. Put me out of my misery.

Xoxo, your vibrator

Slay alert! This Girlboss Beat Cancel Culture

#Feminist mug in hand and Notorius RBG book coyly peeking out of an Urban Outfitters bag on her bed, Hannah Dulin, DG Risk Manager 23’, redefines what it means to be a #girlboss. Who run the world?!

In an exclusive Zoom interview, this future president recounted her most recent #cancelled diagnosis. “Some a-hole commented something snarky about ‘wearing a mask’ on my body-posi pic of me at Phi Delt last weekend,” recalled Dulin. “Typical man slut shaming a woman,” Go off sis!

While men mean nothing to her, Dulin couldn’t ignore her two ex-sisters who liked his comment. “It’s so sad when women don’t support other women. I just know these girls voted for Bernie over Warren,” The antidote for this particular case of cancelling was simply deleting the comment, but she wanted a more permanent cure. This bitch is tea—and we’re positively gagging!

“My grand-big has this awesome start-up where she literally erases words from your brain. As soon as I forgot what the word ‘accountability’ meant, I started living my best life again,” Dulin shares. “She’s the real-girlboss here. I’m merely a girl-employee, and my little? She's a blossoming girl-intern.” We love a multi-generational joint slay!

This bitch is not alone. 1 in 4 DG girlies are infected by cancel culture each darty season, and we extend a solemn yass queen to all those suffering. 

Jerry Price Suggests Big Group Hug

Amid rising tensions among students on social media, Jerry Price reached out to The Kumquat to make a statement. 

“No one is coming to the town halls and I really need to get this message out there,” Price pleaded. “Students: there is a deadly disease that is infiltrating our entire culture. It’s pervasive around the globe and now, sadly, it is affecting the Chapman community… I am of course referring to people being big meanie heads on Instagram.” Price then laid out his plan to combat the true pandemic. “We have CU Safely Back to protect the physical safety of students, but what about their emotional safety? That’s why I’m launching the JPBGHIACB:SLTH —  The Jerry Price Big Group Hug Initiative Against Cyber Bullying: Spreading Love Through Hugs”

The JPBGHIACB:SLTH will take place on Memorial Lawn this coming Saturday and those attending will have to pinky promise they don’t have COVID. The event will kick off with a screening of Trolls: World Tour to get people in the mood, followed by a cocktail hour featuring Capri Suns and a charcuterie board of orange slices, Goldfish, and Blueberry Little Bites. Finally, the evening of luv will climax with The Hug itself, officially ending all tension and acting as a repellent to future bad vibes on campus. 

While Price is excited for JPBGHIACB:SLTH, he wished to make one thing clear:

“I want to make a stand here: those white supremacists are NOT allowed in the group hug. But we will set aside some packets of Fritos for them.”

Things I would Do for the Vaccine

• Pretend I was interested in a business major

• Start saying “Hey girlie!” unironically to people in my sorority

• Tell my mom that I did Acid over winter break 

• Give up Women’s History Month

• Read a film production’s major horror spec script

• Suck that film production major’s dick while I give him notes on his horror spec script

• Follow back one of the Adelphos meme pages

• Flash my Nutrition for Life breakout room

• Have a conversation for more than 5 minutes with a Dance Major 

• Run into the guy I lost my virginity to in public

• And then have him not recognize me for a second

• And then I was like, Remember me? From spring semester freshman year? 

• And then he was just like, oh. 

• Become a LEAD Minor

Phi Delt Pledge Reflects On The Good Old Days

As my time in Phi Delt comes to a close, it’s hard for me to find the words to describe how I feel leaving this chapter behind. These gentlemen changed my life for the better, and I am eternally grateful for each and every brother I met along the way. I don’t wanna get too sappy, but after these past 24 hours, my life will never be the same.

Jason, I think that’s your name, I will never forget when you waved to me from across the room at the SSP (Superspreader Party). I don’t know your last name or your major, but that was a nice thing for you to do. It was tender moments like these when I knew my brothers had my back. 

I can’t help but think all the way back to when I entered those doors to that SSP, and I was doused in alcohol by my brothers. God, it feels like forever ago. It just felt so special to be hazed by my bros, and that’s a heartwarming moment I’ll be telling my grandkids about. Love you dudes. 

Phi Delt also gave me incredible leadership opportunities. When some random freshman girl threw up on the couch, an active assigned me to be head of clean up duty. I got to spray the OxiClean and everything. Thanks Allen. 

We may be suspended from campus, but we’ll never be suspended from my heart. I am so grateful for the good times with my brothers and have come out this experience a new man. Thank you guys for the memories. Unrelated but uh, am I banned from other frats too or could I, like, rush again next year??  

Worst Freshman Year Ever? There’s a Big Monster Eating People in Henley Hall

Due to the pandemic, nobody is having the Freshman year they imagined. And to make things worse for a specific group of Freshmen, there’s a big monster eating people in Henley Hall. “I was walking up the stairs one day and I see my best friend being swallowed whole by the most gargantuan beast you ever laid eyes on.” said Freshman Rachel Othon. Ugh, and we thought 2020 was bad. 

Jackson Spiner was in the middle of a 3 hour lecture when the wi-fi in the dorm went out. “I was pissed, you know? It just speaks to how bad this year has been. And you know what speaks more to that? The fact that when I went to the study lounge, a 20 foot tall scaly furry abomination stuck its fangs into me.” Talk about the worst year ever! 

We asked an RA who was in the process of being eaten his thoughts on the situation, but it was tough to make out much of anything he was saying. The monster did not respond to a request for comment. Even though students are excited to get vaccinated, the unfortunate truth is that there’s no vaccine for the Big Monster in Henley Hall. No vaccine at all.

A Letter to Myself a Year Ago

My Dearest Past Me, 

You dumb bitch. You dumb fucking bitch. You dumb dumb fucking baby bitch. You thought you could have it all couldn’t you? You thought you would have a normal college experience and be able to balance career and social life in a way that was challenging but still beneficial to your mental health? Your biggest worry was walking past Beckman at 1pm on a Wednesday and getting anxiety while trying to not make eye contact with the Fiji that’s seen you naked. In a year, you would KILL to stare intensely at your phone while you walk by someone you have slept with. 

You’re pretty sure that this will just be “an extended Spring Break staycation.” You’ve ordered some athleisure that you plan to lounge in comfortably in your on-campus housing that you will definitely be allowed to stay in. You are a cunt. You are clueless. You have no idea what the phrase “remote instruction” means. 

Well guess what you shitty, shallow excuse for a human being? It has been ONE YEAR. Your “I’m going to do a juice cleanse” phase? Your “I’m writing a book” phase? Your “I’m going to be in a really weird long distance relationship type thing” phase? For WHAT? For what, bitch. You are still in your room, still telling your friends “Once things get better we can…” SHUT UP. It will never get better. This is life now. There are no good weeks any more— your week was either fine or the worst one of your life. Your depression is worse than when you wanted to kill yourself when you were 15. Why the fuck did you want to kill yourself THEN? You were just in a 21 Pilots phase. Life is a million times worse now, you stupid piece of garbage. Also, you’re ugly.

Love, 

Current Timeline Me

Proposed Busts Joining Reagan On Campus

• Dick Cheney

• Ted Cruz boarding a flight at gate C12 

• David Duke 

• David Dobrik 

• They probably wouldn’t actually do David Duke but they would definitely let him come speak here

• Jeffree Star at Sunday Service

• Joe Biden (but only if he doesn’t pass the stimulus check)

• Kendall Jenner holding up a glass of her appropriation tequila 

• John Eastman

• A separate bust for John Eastman’s insurrection day speech cowboy hat

An Open Letter From Me, The Person Who Runs BSU’s Insta

They told me I could write this part because I’m the funniest. Here’s what I have to say. Please stop “thanking us for our service.” We are not the military. Please continue to DM me asking how you a sorority girl with a lightning bolt and butterfly emoji in your bio can end racism. I think if one more person asks, I’ll finally have enough allyship to buy a slap bracelet at the prize counter. I think there is a chance for all of this to end and for us to all the n-word together with our boyfriends in Big Bear. It’s gonna be a beautiful new world. But only if you girlies keep DMing me!! 

Please stop tagging us in Chapman Republican posts. Do you know how Instagram works??? I too have eyes to see. Please don’t DM me their posts please, my eyes can only take so much bleach. Speaking of racists, white supremacists that keep popping up in the DMs, does it hurt your whittle fweelings when I leave you on read? Does it make you so mad it makes you wanna call us wiggers? (gotcha) Hmmmm? @tbdguitarguy_02 and @chapman_patriot_conservatives do a face reveal!

In all seriousness, please stop DMing the account. I hate answering messages. Most can simply be a Venmo transaction. I got *57 messages* on February 1st alone. And if you tagged us in your MLK Day post, I hope you drown. Not really, but also kind of. 

Okay, I’m leaving. Oh! One more thing: Jerry Price, why’d you unfollow us? 

Okay toodles!

REPORT: Pandemic Declared Over for Upper Tax Brackets

Sophomore SCC majors Emma Johnson and Taylor Smith were so thrilled with President Struppa’s recent announcement that they decided to celebrate by committing biological warfare. Struppa declared that students whose families make biannual contributions of at least $1300 to Chapman and maintain an income of $500k< were officially free of any existing COVID restrictions, including weekly testing. 

“This is just in time for Darty Season,” said Taylor, through tears of bittersweet joy. “The coronavirus took literally everything from me….spring formal, heaven and hell….I had literally nothing to live for anymore!!!”

 Emma echoed Taylor’s sentiments, describing in detail the intense emotional trauma they had endured while quarantining at their 2500 square foot, $1.3 million beach front vacation home in Maui. 

“I am just so fucking glad this nightmare has finally come to an end so I can get the hell out of here. No one seems to understand how easy it is to lose your mind locked up in the house for months when all you have is a rooftop pool and jacuzzi, an indoor theater, only one personal chef, and a really small yacht.”

True to their genocidal colonizing ancestors, Emma and Taylor infected at least 340 locals over the duration of their reign of terror nine-month stay. They returned just in time for a Conquistabros and Navahoes themed frat party (the hosting fraternity threatened us with litigation if we published their name).

Recent Email From An Ally

To: Black Student Union

From: Chapman Professor 

Subject: Ally Burnout

Dear Black Student Union Exec,

I recently saw your recent post on Instagram regarding Chapman apparently “not caring at all about BIPOC students and only pretending to care just to continue to scam tons of people out of thousands and thousands of dollars each year” That’s absolutely preposterous and very very absurd with no actual facts behind it if you ask me. Bunch of malarkey! 

Quite frankly I am flabbergasted by the notion that I… that the university…. Are racist… WHAT? Apparently, we’re racist performative allies who are subservient in upholding and enabling white supremacy and hate on Chapman’s campus by not ever condemning these terrible acts. Lol I mean c’mon this is RIDICULOUS… do you even have all the facts?!?! Have you considered MY feelings? Do you even know anything???

Let me enlighten you. I have a PHD which means that I am a D-O-C-T-O-R which therefore means that I know everything, you know nothing and my DICK IS BIGGER THAN YOURS!@!33$#. I also have a masters in education and philosophy from the renowned Liberty University, and because of my expertise in being such an intellectual human being in this wonderful world of academia, I just know that I am a scholar of activism and nobody, not even you, a bunch of UNGRATEFUL monkeys can tell me otherwise!!!! 

I hope you realize what you have just done…….. You just lost me as an ally. Think about that for a minute. IM DONE. I QUIT!! FUCK YOU!! AND FUCK ALL YOUR “BLACK LIVES MATTER” BULLSHIT! You think you get to call ME out for my “problematic behavior”?? ME?? WOW. I bet you have NO IDEA that my best friend is B-L-A-C-K and has KINKY CURLS too so, he understands racism, which means by association I understand racism.

It's clear that my expertise on Black issues is not welcome here. Honestly none of you deserve me anyways. TUHH…...Good luck finding another activist who is going to help you out as much as I have in these past couple days. LOL you WON’T! Because guess what?? They don’t exist….. Because guess what??..... I am GOD and I KNOW that I am NOT in fact RACIST…. so just back off you sassy, loud, angry, aggressive females and try to be more like me….. A civilized, brilliant, magnetic ally dedicated to fighting for true reformative, transformative, majorative, menorahtive justice for all communities through peace, love and understanding. 

-Yours truly,

Dr. I am not putting my name on this and if you release this in any way I will sue you.

As If Things Couldn’t Get Worse, The FAFSA Application is Available Now

It’s FAFSA time baby. Long believed to stand for Free Application for Federal Student Aid, the acronym for FAFSA actually stands for Fuck Ass Fuck Shit Ass. As students begin to fill out the application, FAFSA is preparing for the increase in technical difficulties and questions by laying off all but one of their employees, Lenny, who will work from 9:02 p.m. to 9:14 p.m. on the second Tuesday of every other month. 

For Chapman students, the application is likely to lead to an increase in stress dreams about being fucked by anthropomorphic subsidized loans, manic-rip-apart your home searches for your stupid social security card, and tasteful instrumentals while Lenny puts you on hold.

A poll conducted by The Kumquat found that of the 7,821 Chapman students, only 43 students actually meet the financial requirements of the FAFSA, and of those 43, 41 of them said their Mom filled it out for them. So, let this article be a reminder to us Panthers to fill out the FAFSA and lie about our family's net income as we prepare for the spring semester.