Senior with Self-Designed Major Totally Fucked For Real World

Graduating Senior Garrett Johnson did not think things through when he created his major, "Ambient Nature Sounds Podcasting with a Blue Whale and Spring Peeper Frog Emphasis." Johnson believes Ambient Nature Sound Podcasting with a Blue Whale and Spring Peeper Frog Emphasis, or ANSPBWSPFE for short, in hindsight, was too niche. "It turns out most of the working world doesn’t involve whales or frogs." He said. "I wish my academic advisor had told me that before. I’m such a dingus." 

When asked for comment on Johnson's major, academic advisor Luis Taylor said, "It was a stupid and bad major. I just cash the checks. He can suck eggs for all I care." Despite Taylor's cavalier attitude, he assured Johnson there are many jobs he is qualified for in the real world. Of the many Taylor listed, the most likely of outcomes for Johnson in the workforce were Registry of Motor Vehicle worker, director of Res Life at Chapman, and motel shootout victim. Johnson is set to take the world head-on and is expected to pay off his student loans by the time a liberal arts degree has value again, an estimated N/A years from now.

Do Boys Masturbate?: Musings on Male Sexuality

Boys don’t…masturbate do they? Be honest with me. I know they don’t shit or piss but…do they masturbate? I just moved into Henley Hall and it’s my first time being surrounded by boys and I just assumed they didn’t have any gross bodily functions like that? I was raised on a farm by my moms and four sisters and you’d be hard pressed to find a day where we weren't constantly pissing, shitting, rubbing one out, farting, burping etc. but something about boys doing it is just…odd? Like what's the material benefit? You’re the breadwinner, what are you gaining from this? Like you jerked your dick to completion…that’s it? Unsettling. Smell a flower. Eat a corndog. Watch Ghostbusters (Boy and Girl version). Something about it seems…ungentlemanly like. Like leave it to the ladies, you’re a man. You don’t masturbate.

Sophomore White Woman Attempts to Speak Spanish on 2am Albertacos Run

The Kumquat’s own investigative journalists were notified by sources that Sophomore, Bethany Smitt, was seen struggling to speak Spanish while drunk at Albertacos at 2 a.m. Saturday morning. Smitt apparently said “Hola, mi favorida comida es tacos” and tried to talk about her last family vacation using the preterite while conversing with the unamused cashier who proceeded to ask her what she wanted to order in English. She then asked for a translator, reportedly claiming that it was her use of the vosotros that  made her Spanish too advanced to understand. 

“I’m in 102 right now and I think I’m really starting to sound like a native speaker,”said Smitt, when we interviewed her. “I got a C on my last test, but that’s just because it didn’t have a speaking component. When I speak, people, like, can’t believe that I’m full white.”. Bethany then tried to roll her R’s at us as a demonstration of her skills, but it just ended with spit flying everywhere. “It was hard to watch,” says Bethany’s friend Jess, one of those people Bethany goes out with on the weekends but isn’t like, a friend. According to Jess, she’ll push for the girls to head to Cane’s after a night out but if the cashier is brown and Bethany’s had enough tequila, we’ll all still be in for a treat.

Oops! Struppa Accidentally Refers to Self as “Principal Doody Head”

As Descartes once said, “sometimes you beef it”. During President Struppa’s annual Serious Business address to the board of trustees concerning serious business matters, Struppa accidentally referred to himself as “Principal Doody-head”. “To the board of trustees,” Struppa began, “I am Principal Doodyhead, and I’m wearing a great big diaper.” People began to murmur as it was clear Struppa was straying from the prepared remarks. When he was supposed to discuss the rising cost of tuition, Struppa instead said “It is sometimes difficult to wear a hat due to all of the doody on my head. I’ve tried many hats: a baseball cap, a top hat, a fedora.” Struppa’s foils continued in the section about graduation rates. “A backwards hat, a sideways hat, one of those flat brim hats.” At one point, an assistant murmured something in his ear. People began to think Struppa may get back on track until he announced “I’ve just been informed I referred to myself as Principal Doodyhead. It’s actually University President Doodyhead. Please show more respect in the future.” When an attendee pointed out that Struppa himself was the one to make the mistake, Struppa kicked him in the dick.

A Message to My POC Panthers

As my days in the Kumquat HQ come to a close, I think it's my duty, as the only Black person on staff, to relay the following: leave. Leave. This place is a municipal waste factory of nepotism babies and unwashed ass. LEAVE. This place is a trap. It’s literally in the name: Chapman U? More like Conservative U. CU Safely? At the Klan rally, because it’s only 20 minutes from campus. Someone asked me if I was an extra in ‘Planet of the Apes’ once. Leave. There’s a weird white supremacist in basketball shorts every semester handing out flyers for his “club”. My brother in Christ, LEAVE? Don’t even get me started on the frats. All of em, bad. SAE, I think you’re the stinkiest. Someone also got them in 4K, so I’ll be waiting. The white women here want to move to New York but they can’t even walk with purpose! Taking up all four corners of the sidewalk….Finally, if you don’t believe me, just do this: take a stroll to any of the (flip a coin) antique stores in the Circle and look at the “colorful” portraits.

From the Editor's Desk

There’s been some changes at the Kumquat HQ. The editors are always the hottest girls, the baddest boys, or the most malest feminists. Well, feel free to begrudgingly accept me as a new editor, an ANTI-EDITOR. Last week, I was sitting in my anti-room thinking about how the voices at the kumquat are a little too “pro.” I think it’s all the kumquat klout going to the editors' heads… so I’m here to provide some ridiculously hot takes to keep them grounded. First of all, I’m anti-writing. Second of all, I’m anti- anti- writing. Third of all, I’m currently writing. Now if you’re getting confused, listen to this. I’m anti-confusion. 

This month, a freak joined me in the writer’s room… I'm the anti-editor, so I’m even more anti TWO editors, but here she is.

Hi I’m Skwunk. I saw an ad on Craigslist that the Kumquat was looking for a cool, new editor, and boy do I love Craigslist. One thing led to another, I stole the hearts of the entire staff with my charm and distinct-yet-pleasant odor… and here I am. I felt that the whole, “blank-blank” editor thing was getting pretty tired, so I decided to use my legal name. Skwunk. It’s like how Cher only goes by her first name, but my parents actually named me just Skwunk. I’m a little mischievous. I did recently steal the Margaret Thatcher bust from campus and replaced it with a replica, so please PLEASE don’t tell Psafe. Snitches get Skwunked. (you DON’T wanna find out what that means).

Heartwarming: Chapman Football Star Dates Lame Nerd Chick

Well isn’t that the kind of story that warms your heart, star Panther quarterback Doug Tatum has begun dating some lame nerd chick named Lisa or something fuckin weird like that. Despite constantly getting it on with the baddest chicks on campus, Doug has taken a liking to the quiet girl who sits in the back of the class, Lisa, even though she, like, watches anime and shit like that. Lisa, the girl with the big thick horn-rimmed glasses who always carries a calculator. Lisa, the girl who can spell real good. Doug and Lisa are reportedly “totally healthy!” As if! It can’t be healthy that a total jock like Doug is bumping uglies with a certified mathlete dweeb like Lisa. An anonymous friend of Doug’s told the Kumquat that “Last Thursday, he invited her to the D, but she stayed home to have a quiet night in and read? What the fuck?” When reached for comment Doug said “I happen to respect Lisa having different interests than me. You fail to consider that if you weren’t so shallow, you could actually meet someone who could expand your horizons and make you a more interesting person as Lisa does me, but unfortunately you people are small, and petty, and so quick to tear down anybody who’s even a little bit different”. But Doug, YOU fail to consider she’s a major DORK-O-ZOID!!!

Chap-Chella: A Festival for the Sad and Poor

Yas!!!!! Coachella season is upon us, and for the poors who have been watching from the sidelines, never fear, administration is here and putting on an even better, even crazier event. Introducing: Chap-chella. Dress code is specifically things that would make your Mom say, “Are you sure you want to wear that out?”. The venue will have limited space, due to the fact that the only room available on such short notice was a classroom in the Hashinger basement, but that’s what makes it so awesome. Exclusivity. Headlining are The Chaptones, one of those sophomore girls that sings on TikTok (idk which one), and Kanye!!!! Vendors include a singular table with Sodexo cookies, lemonade, and water. There will also be security detail (that one lady Psafe officer), and she said as long as the drugs aren’t meth, she’s fine with it. Remember that $70 Activity Fee we all have to pay, well it’s not going towards this. Buy your tickets ($300) now, you little freaks!!!!!!!

THOU SEEKETH THY SOUL! AND BREASTS!

HARK! Ere Saturday, thy moveth into thy castle of yee 7 minute Uber ride with ‘thy boys’. Thou dost listen to the music of the Gods - “Pursuit of Happiness” and Squid Game remix. The sweet nectar of Svedka and lush ice juul flows abundantly. Soft! I seest thou in thy fashion of Aphrodite: a Shein top and Levi shorts. Oh rare lady! Oh precious rose! My heart doth hum for thy body on thy sword (my penis)! For thy tits reminisce of ripe melons in the summer. Thou hast an ass as firm and bouncy as a nude peach. Perchance, I will sip thy ripe juice of thy celestial pussy! I beseech for thee Snapchat. But await – thou sloppy french kiss a PLEDGE?!? Below mine fraternity composite? Me thinks you a saucy prostitute! Get thee to a nunnery! Thou leaveth thy pledge and come hither. “Hey, where’s the bathroom?” Thou asks. “Slut.” I speaketh the truth, WHORE! Thou couldst brandished my weapon. Tis a loss! Perchance another worthy lady shall sucketh thy cock.

An Email Template for Missing Class

Hello professor __________,

I hope you're doing well today, and it was so funny seeing you at Laguna beach. But I have some terrible news…. Right after I saw you, I was diagnosed with a fatal disease, which will make it difficult for me to come to our class. I have also found that I'm congested. And also, it’s embarrassing to say, but I have No Bitches digestion. I've been shitting my ass for the past 2 hours since I've been rejected by 15 girls this week. If you're gonna drop my grade a whole letter, I can come to class and stay in the smelly Beckman bathroom while shitting and crying. But overall, I decided I’m not coming, and you're just going to have to deal with it… to be honest, I'm the victim here. How can you be so strict with attendance?..... I'm shitting…. You need to work on that. You are just jealous of me, so you make me come to your class every day. You're too sensitive, and I'm only telling you this cause I love you seriously. We had such a fun time at our last seminar 

Anyways love you, babe,

See you never </3

Sincerely,

______________

Bush Family Mural in Beckman Reportedly “Watching” Middle Eastern Students

“You know those haunted house paintings with the eyes that follow you around wherever you go? It’s kind of like that,” sophomore Biology major Yasmin Khalid told the Kumquat last week. “At first I didn’t really notice it because I try to make my mind go blank when I walk past their creepy, fucking wrinkled faces but last week on my way to Spanish I noticed and now I can’t stop noticing.” 

To test out Khalid’s hypothesis, our investigative team committed to a stakeout in the rafters above the entrance of Starbucks. For three straight days, our watched as the portraits stayed lifeless in front of the crowds of white business majors, but would unveil an almost Rainforest Café robot level set of peepers to dart around after anyone who looked vaguely Arab. 

Our investigators had to flee the premises after the Bush surveillance system locked it’s sights on a woman wearing hijab and became so overwhelmed it caught on fire, spreading quickly across the first floor. When asked if the Bush family’s massive funding contributions have played a role in the security features of the building, administration told us “The family’s ok now! Look, at  Junior’s silly little paintings, hasn’t bombed anybody in years!”.

BREAKING: Fiji Re-Invents Colonization While Trapped in Cabo

When Phi Gamma Delta and their groupies embarked on their Spring Break Cabo trip, they never imagined the toils in store for them. “Yeah, I got invited because I’m like, basically one of the guys. The other day I was like, ‘oh my god Brandson what are you doing?! You’re so crazy!’ And he was like, ‘shut up bitch,’ and it was so funny,” said Kayla Travers, a sophomore who was invited on the trip. 

Brandson was indeed “crazy” when he contracted  COVID while doing tequila shots off of a random woman’s stomach and then spread it to the rest of the fraternity. Unable to re-enter the United States after testing positive, the boys decided to make themselves at home. “I looked around and was like…dude, it would be way easier to order a marg if everyone spoke English. So I told the other guys left in Orange to come down and we can like, open up our own place and just kind of re-start our lives here,” said Fiji president Kameron Manly.  

Sources have informed us that the bulk of Fiji members have no interest in returning to the U.S. despite having fully recovered. Locals have been told to steer clear of “New Batavia,” where the stretch of beach has been privatized to make way for more house music, blonde women, and larger ice luges.

Struppa Drops and Shatters the Worlds Biggest Diamond

Struppa really dropped the ball! Or should we say “diamond”. Tragedy struck on campus when Daniele Struppa, during a one-day on-campus exhibition of the renowned Tiger’s Tempest Diamond, picked it up to get a better look. It slipped out of his hand and he fumbled for it midair before it landed squarely on the hard stone floor and shattered irreparably into hundreds of small fragments.

This incident is just the latest in a series of unfortunate mishaps caused by the school president. Some may recall when at the farmers market he stepped on a rake and hit himself in the nose. Fowler administration laments the time Struppa was walking by Keck when he heard a whistling sound, stopped in confusion, looked side to side, then got hit by a falling anvil.

The solution? Chapman admin is taking measures to mitigate Struppa’s bad luck. “He’s on ‘ominous object’ probation,” says Kelly Fignelli, talisman expert and Struppa’s school-appointed luck-cleanser. “This means, for example, he’s not allowed to own mirrors to prevent the risk of them breaking, or to own ladders to prevent one from being walked under, and there’s no way in hell he’s getting anywhere near the new Argyros Museum of Porcelain & Fine China.”

New “Trickle Down” Panther Buck System a Smashing Success

It’s only been two weeks since the brilliant new system–which rewards those with better grades more Panther Bucks and Caf swipes–was put into motion. Already, stocks are up and productivity is high!

This new “supply side” approach, which incentivizes “competition and hard work” by denying any lazy, low-grade slackers the right to eat, has clear results: now that students are under the threat of starvation, the median grade yield is hitting record numbers!

Some snowflake liberals complain that, without access to basic nutrition, students with low grades are too busy starving to focus on grade improvement. Furthermore, those infographic babies even have the audacity to claim that professors are hoarding Panther Bucks for themselves, and that high-achieving students have developed a consumerist lifestyle revolving around Starbucks baked goods and the commodification of those little mixed nut bags in the Rotunda. 

Well guess what libs? I don’t know what “commodification” means! And even if students are buying more red velvet cake pops than they could ever consume, why stop them? They’ve earned it!

So clearly, the system is working. And with talks to implement “dorm hall redlining” next month, it’s safe to say that the “Chapman Dream” is becoming a reality!

From the Editor's Desk

Hello, 

It’s been 30 years since we last spoke. You may remember me as Bad Boy Editor, but that's a title I haven't heard in a long time. I did the thing. I chose life. I gave up all my vices, I gave up motorcycles and monster trucks, brewskis and juuling. I got my life on track. I got a good job, a large automobile, a beautiful wife.. A couple of kids. So why don’t I feel satisfied? Why am I not content? What’s missing? I’ll tell you what's missing: the fucking rush. The adrenaline pumping through my veins when I take a baseball bat to a mailbox out the window of my Chevy Volt, the euphoria that comes with pissing on every lawn in the district. Fuck my job, fuck my wife, fuck my kids. I’m back bitches. I’m back like I’ve never been before. Happy fucking March, this is Bad Boy Editor, signing off.

Ugly Public Breakup Making it Really Hard to Study For Midterms

On the third floor of Leatherby Libraries, things got messy in an argument between couple Michael Bradley and Lia Jones. "Neither of them would shut the fuck up," one student said. "I have six midterms. I don't give a shit if he's texting Sophie from the dorm pools again." The couple’s breakup also revealed private and embarrassing details about their personal lives. For instance, Lia was known to have picked up and inquired about many of the far-right extremist posters found around campus, while Michael often swindled thousands from fixed-income elderly relatives to support his defunct wet t-shirt cornhole league. 

The argument escalated when both parties began hurling priceless pieces of memorabilia from the Disney archive at one another. That afternoon, a replica of Mickey Mouse’s wand from Fantasia had to be removed from a Freshman’s eye. Public-Safety arrived to deescalate the situation, but couldn’t fit their bikes through the metal detectors. The breakup eventually petered out and students returned to their studies before again being distracted by Michael and Lia’s make-up sex in the War Letters Archive. Hundreds of war-time testimonials and love letters were lost in the bang.

One Maskless Student in Class Also Big Hugger

“She’s the only person without a mask in class. She needs to read the room and stop trying to greet us like we live in fucking France all the time. She’s from Ohio, nobody does the double kiss on the cheek thing in Ohio,” says James Caan, classmate of overzealous Sophomore Janet Jeffries. Janet has been known to encroach on personal space in the past but ever since the mask mandate was lifted her behaviors have reached new extremes. “She keeps asking people to smell her breath and the other day I caught her bringing in plates of spaghetti in an attempt to recreate that Lady and the Tramp scene.” 

“I am just so excited”, says Jeffries, Poli Sci Minor. “I’ve been bottling up my feelings under that mask for so long, but now that Covid’s officially over, I can’t help myself!”. Her Professors are less excited. “I’m immuno-compromised and I’m getting real fed up with her constantly yelling ‘What’s that over there??’ and then trying to lick me when my back is turned,” complains Dr. Jacobson. We sat down with Janet over a bowl of spaghetti to try and get some answers, but one thing led to another… and now we’re starting to see her side of things a little more clearly. Because we had sex.

Pete the Panther's Rebrand

Earlier this month, a poll was sent out asking the Chapman students to vote on Pete the Panther’s new look. It was tough for many to decide between the two options offered; Proud Pete and Playful Pete. The only tangible difference between them being that one had pants and the other didn’t. Obviously, the correct choice was the one without pants because… duh. 

But, it feels like Pete could be so much more than just, “Playful” or “Proud”? Helloooo!!!! Don’t know if you forgot but It is STILL Women’s History Month, people! Where is the lady Pete? Our Petra, or Petunia, or Pete-ette even. And if there was a Lady Pete, she and Pete would OBVI fuck, but woopsies!!!! Suddenly she’s PREGNANT with a Pete-us and in 9 months, there’s a whole Pete family and then people can call him Papa Pete?!!!!! 

The only problem with the whole Pete, Pete-ette, and Pete Jr. thing would be, you know… finding an infant, finding someone who would make an infant-sized mascot costume, evading child labor laws… etcetera. But hey, if the Shein girls can do it, anyone can! And in the off chance that the family of Petes doesn’t work out, the student body could always just petition for Piss-Kink Pete. Meeeee-oooowwww!!!!!!