Jerry Price's Hot Girl Summer

When Dean Jerry Price took a “We’ll Tell You if You’re Having a Hot Girl Summer” Buzzfeed quiz - the results were conclusive. We recently met with Jerry under a Starbucks umbrella by Beckman “I just feel like the person I was always meant to be,” Jerry Price told the Kumquat while sipping a venti dragonfruit drink. It was true. Jerry Price had Hot Girl Summer written all over him. His standard light blue button-down was tied at the bottom as though he was at Stagecoach and the fenestra tattoo on his lower back peaked out above his tight trousers. When asked how he was dealing with the recent diagnosis Price replied, “Better than I have ever been. Look at me! I can’t be touched.” Price’s only worry about his Hot Girl Summer was that the hot months would soon be ending, “But I plan on slaying it in the fall” he smiled as he bit down on a cake pop. He then shrugged saying, “What? Calories don’t count on Mondays.” The Kumquat reached out to Daniele Struppa for a statement. He refused to comment.

In Memoriam: Henley Basement

There’s a lot of excitement at the beginning of the year, but we here at The Kumquat think it is equally important to reflect and mourn what we’ve lost. The Chapman community suffered a significant loss this year when SGA decided that we need a second gym, a block away from the other one, for some reason. Rest in peace Henley basement, you will be missed by many: Boys who pretend they know how to play pool, girls who pretend they don’t know how to play pool, and horny freshmen with shitty roommates. We will never forget your mediocre couches with empty juul pods stuck in between the cushions, your women’s room that people poop the smelliest poops in, or your food court that was always closed. Your memory will live on with spin classes, Yoga, Zumba, and, let’s be honest: horny freshmen with shitty roommates.