Freshman nervous for Undie Run due to enormous cock

Undie Run is upon us, and the streets are buzzing. However, freshman Alex McGuire is slightly nervous, and for good reason. McGuire has an enormous cock. Kumquat staff tried to sit down with Alex for an interview but it was no use. His monster dong was simply too big and got in the way. In a written statement, McGuire lamented his situation.

“It’s not fair,” writes McGuire. “If Chapman is so dedicated to having an inclusive campus environment, then where are the accommodations for me and my forty pound hose?” When pressed for comment, administration officials said, “Ew, why’d he call it a hose?” Time will tell how this issue will be sorted out. “I’m just afraid that if I run, it will swing and slap my roommate Trevor in the face. It’s a public health issue.” If unable to attend Undie Run, Alex says he’ll spend the night with his girlfriend Nicole and her “ginormous fifty foot cavernous pussy.”

Local Uber drivers’ PSA

The Uber Drivers of Orange County sent us this list and offered us 10% off our next ride to publish. We don’t agree with a lot of it, but here’s to selling out!

1: I see that fifth girl you’re trying to sneak into this Honda Civic. Just because she’s sitting on Kassandra’s lap doesn’t mean she’s not there.

2: Don’t ask me about my ethnicity, this should always remain a mystery.

3: Stop trying to ask me what my craziest experience as a driver is while you’re obviously plastered and trying to engage with me so you can feel like less of a disappointment to your out of state parents.

4: I didn’t ask about you living in a building called “The K” because I wanted to hear your entire life story, I asked because it’s a stupid name for a building and I wanted to make sure I was dropping you off at the right place.

5: Check that the party isn’t rolled before you make me drive you to the outskirts of Yorba Linda.

6: Stop talking loudly about the guy that you’re “not going to hook up with” at the party I’m driving you to. We all know you’re going to at least try to make out with him, you’re wearing a push up bra as a shirt.

7: Yak OUTSIDE the car.

8: Do not have sex in the back seat of my car. I have multiple children who sit back there in the daytime.

Uh oh! Clock ticks for senior virgin

At the beginning of the Fall 2019 semester, an anonymous senior English minor told the Kumquat, “This is the semester I, Kim, will finally bang.” Now, as she nears the end of her semester, she hesitantly reports, “still no bang :( ”. 

According to anonymous, she’s tried EVERYTHING: Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, EHarmony, OKCupid, Hot or Not, FarmersOnly, Craigslist, Chatroulette, JDate, Facebook Marketplace, Omegle, Christian Mingle, the Long Island Medium and even patiently reading a book of poetry at Contra. Despite her gallant efforts, and some occasional hand stuff, no suitor can seem to do the Big F (big fuck).

She’s accomplished nearly every major social and academic accolade one can achieve, yet her biggest and reportedly only goal she has left is to lose the Big V (big virginity). Anonymous Kim wants to tell her fellow Panthers, “I know that virginity is a relatively heteronormative social construct designed to commodify and shame, generating sexual stigmas while perpetuating guilt and fear towards sexual experiences, further subjugating and encouraging people to engage in problematic aspects of hookup culture...but please, PLEASE can someone just fuck me before I get my diploma.” 

The Kumquat wishes anonymous luck and godspeed on her journey to FuckTown to find that Big O (big orgasm).

Public Safety officers to release shirtless calendar

Climate change isn’t the only thing making California hot (Sidenote: is having kids still ethical?); studies show PSAFE is the cause of California’s wildfires, and they’re ready to turn up the heat even more (if global temperatures rise even two more degrees, our entire arctic landscape will cease to exist). 

A shirtless calendar is coming out next year to raise money for a squirt gun arsenal, so PSAFE can put the fires out themselves (Our planet is dying). 

Self-proclaimed “bad boy” PSAFE Hinson will be on the December page, posing as Rock Hard Santa. 

July is no longer looking like California’s driest month, as Officer Porter will be posing wearing firecracker undies (excessive ice melting will eventually drown us all in worldwide flooding). 

You can preorder your calendar today and receive a set of limited edition condoms that exactly replicate the penises of PSAFE (but please for the love of god don’t use them, our ocean already has more plastic than fish). 

Student excited to study abroad in white country

 Sophomore Ian Isaacs is going to...Ethpaña! Spain (for the layman) is the spiciest of the white countries. With small plates, grand architecture, and not-English, Spain is going to give Ian all the vibe-killing stories you get from experiencing another culture in a controlled environment without putting him in front of brown people. 

Ian’s not racist, but it took 3 months of therapy to recover from the culture shock after his internship in Santa Ana. This semester abroad will be an exciting foray into a brave new white world (sponsored by the school that brought you Ben Shapiro, then George Bush, then Sarah Huckabee Sanders and also Nixon’s Grandson?) 

For the next 6 months, everything will be the same but kinda almost different. Ian will take on a European lover, she’ll be white of course, but white from EIGHT time zones over. He’ll call her Latina repeatedly and will be quite wrong. He’ll try octopus and spit it into his napkin when no one’s looking. It’s sure to be an exciting 6 months (4 months).

Pike Girl Pees in the Pool at Dayger

On Saturday, Pi Kappa Alpha, also known as “the scary frat,” hosted their Annual Veteran’s Day pool party. PNM’s flocked to the dayger to put one foot in the water and awkwardly half-bounce to Kanye West’s gospel album. Our sources have informed us that Pike has banned Bridget Hanley, a sophomore SCC major, after she unleashed the white claw she had been holding in her bladder. 

Hanley’s best friend told The Kumquat, “Her pee came out orange because of this UTI she got from a Fiji last week. She was supposed to fuck Brooks that afternoon and go to semi with Thad. Her future is basically ruined.”  

Hanley’s statement, written on her notes app and posted on her Instagram story, read: “I’m ashamed. I’d like to apologize to Pi Kappa Alpha and especially the residents of Green Monster. I made a mistake, and am willing to give my sorority composite to any Pike to express my remorse.” We reached out to members of Pike, but they don’t know how to speak or write and were unable to comment on Hanley’s future as a Pike girl.

Girl Thinks Kumquat Article Is About Her

Emma was just trying to have a Happy Halloween, but after she was brutally name dropped in last month’s Kumquat issue, that became impossible. Despite there being 237 girls at Chapman named Emma, and 272,630 nationwide, Emma C. (Emma #16 out of 237) was certain that she was the one being made fun of. 

“People kept texting me, like ‘omg is this about you??’ or ‘did you say this?’” said Emma C. Another Emma also went through a traumatic experience: “One of my friends tagged me in the Kumquat’s instagram post.” said Emma H. (Emma #154 out of 237)

In Emma’s defense, it’s been a tough year. Not only was every song on Taylor Swift’s New Album also about her, but she & her best friend are just like the leads in Booksmart. 

The Emmas are not alone, Several Nicoles, Bretts, Chads, and Hannahs, are fed up with their name usage. 500 Chloes DMed The Kumquat last week, asking to use a name other than the most popular girl’s baby name of 1998.

The Kumquat cannot comment further on this matter, as we are currently being sued for libel by 47 different Brads, and things are likely to get even more complicated once Pike gets wind of the article about them. 

Study Lounge Dominated By Freshman Friend Group

This past month, as Pralle residents searched for a midterm study space, they were impeded time and time again by a terrifying phenomenon: the twelve-person freshman friend group. Known as the “Breakfast Bunch,” a riff on The Breakfast Club that barely counts as wordplay, the group hosts inane late-night activities like jam sessions, half-ironic screenings of Marvel movies, and poorly planned birthday parties that last for hours.

“The crazy thing is, no one seemed to be enjoying themselves,” says Fenestra Community Advisor Rebecca Stanton. “They just kept comparing themselves to the friends from Friends and saying every twenty minutes that ‘freshman year is a movie.’” Stanton, who needed the third-floor lounge for her “Majors, Minors, and Macaroons” event, claimed that the group made the lounge inhospitable, as they resisted all attempts at engagement. Conversations would consist exclusively of inside jokes from their precious little group chat and plans for the house they’re all going to live in next year.

However, Stanton assures us, this would not last for long. “I’ve seen it before. The Dodge kid is definitely going to make a move on the blonde girl soon, and the group will dissolve. Come next fall, they won’t even sit next to each other when they find out they’re in the same Sociology class.”

Friend Group Desperately Trying to Exclude Nicole From the Group Costume

The Fabulous Five have been inseparable since they all met at Club Galaxy. This year, they’ve decided to attend the Friday night pregame, party, afterparty, after after party, and the post-game at Keahi’s dressed as sexy Scooby Doo Characters.

But they have one fear—that their third-tier friend, Nicole, will find a way to join. According to the Five, Nicole’s Halloween costumes have long haunted the group. “Freshman year we went as sexy Teletubbies,” Hannah whispers, a chill running down her spine. “Nicole went as the sexy Sun.”

“I don’t know how, but she’ll figure out what we’re dressing as.” Lucy says, her face pale, glancing around with paranoia. “She always does.”

Sometimes at 3AM Emma wonders if they really don’t like Nicole, or if the idea of someone else joining threatens the feeling of safety they all gain from being in a solid group.

“It’s not that we don’t like her.” Claire tells The Kumquat. “It’s just that… okay yeah I guess we just don’t really like her.”

Freshman unsure if other students will be trick-or-treating

Thirteenth Grader Eric Carts bought one of those pumpkin candy collecting buckets from the Target Dollar Section, but is also totally cool with not using it if that’s not the vibe. He would be down for delicious free candy, but like he’s not saying he is down, cause he’s definitely not a fucking baby, y’know? He knows where all the king size neighborhoods are, but like that doesn’t even matter anyway because he’ll be at a big Fraternity Party inside of a big Fraternity House. Let him know if you think trick or treating would be like a funny prank and you wanna like join ironically, or whatever.

Breaking: The Complete Stranger You Hooked Up With Last Night Is Somehow In Two Of Your Classes

Sophomore Connor Hewitt didn’t ask for much. He just wanted to go to a mid-size school. He wanted intimate class sizes, the personal student-faculty relationships, the manageable campus. He also just wanted to make out with a girl and then never see her again.

“I had never seen this girl before in my life,” says Hewitt. “Then, suddenly, she’s everywhere I look. In my English class. Ordering at Einstein’s. Sitting next to me in Poli Sci. At my friend Chloe’s birthday party.”

The next morning, Hewitt woke up to three follow requests from her friends from high school and a text that said “ahahaha wouldn’t it be crazy if we got coffee?”

Upon further investigation, Hewitt discovered that beyond being in two of his classes, they also have the same interdisciplinary cluster, ride the same shuttle on Mondays, and are both on the Galapagos Interterm trip. She also lives six doors down from him in Grand and her big is his big’s twin.

Chapman Grand Residents Struggle to Maintain Long-Distance Relationships

Living 3.7 miles from campus can be rough, especially when your bae lives in The K. We sat down with some Grand residents to find out how they’re dealing with the distance. “Relationships are all about compromise, so we try to meet in the middle, like at Hooters.” says Todd. Others have turned to less conventional methods. “I let my roommate jack me off sometimes,” noted Chapman Grand resident/Pike boy Jackson, “it just eases the tension.”

Although Grand is just a 10-15 minute drive from campus, residents have expressed that they feel like they’re “basically abroad” due to Anaheim’s cultural differences. However, one Grand Resident seems to have it figured out. “Just cheat. You’re basically overseas,” said Ella Grove, who wished to remain anonymous. If cheating doesn’t work, just sit on top of that sweet sweet in-unit washing machine while it runs a full cycle and think about your boo.

WANTED: Part Time Shredder for Totally Rad Skate Crew

Freshmen skate crew “The Wheely Wheely Good Skaters” is on the grind for an additional grimey grom to fill in for our boy, Dylan. Despite already having one fully torn ACL, Dylan completed a near-record-breaking kickflip after a speedy hill bomb, but stumbled on the 200 foot frontside nosegrind and fully tore his second ACL. He is in no condish to participate for the next 2-15 weeks, which totally sucks balls. If you guys know Dylan, you know he’s next level and hella bummed right now. 

Practice is every day at 4 PM in front of Starbucks in the piazza, #fuckbeckman, #fuckclass, #fuck. Requirements: You must own at least 6 different shades of green beanies (aka green beans), 2 pairs of Dickies and an eagerness to learn. We will provide: 4 shades of yellow beanies (banana hats), 1 bar of team soap and an issue with authority. Applications are due this Thursday as this weekend we have a competitive, non-friendly, skate sesh against our rivals “Ollie Ollie Oxen-Free” from Orange High School. Reminder: This is a PART TIME position. Once Dylan’s legs are good, you’re gone. You could never be Dylan.

Chapman Frats Adapt to New Hazing Regulations

The Hashinger Basement Cucumber incident last year sparked a national conversation about fraternity hazing, and Chapman has been forced to tighten their regulations.“They said we can’t do anything ‘physical, drug related, or homoerotic.’ which was kind of a bummer.” said Brad, a senior Pike. “We’ve been forced to make things really psychological.” says Todd, a junior Phi Tau. “We’re really trying to find ways to cripple them financially.”

For Betas, this means getting in on a timeshare in Havasu, while Delts get the honor of fundraising for the son of a deceased Nigerian prince. “Yeah, at first I rushed because I wanted to be able to do that thing at parties where you get really close to a girl and put your hand on her back while you move past her. But now I realize it’s so much more than that.”, said Andrew, a new Fiji. “By the way, a girl I hook up with in G Phi has got me on these new organic turmeric supplements through a multi-tiered leadership company called Arbonne, I think you’d love them.”

White supremacist receives backlash for having candle in dorm

Henley freshman, Kevin Kramer, faces backlash after he was found violating numerous dorm conduct codes. Chapman-approved wall adhesive, sticky tack, was nowhere to be found in Kramer’s dorm, despite numerous confederate flags hung up on his walls. Security footage confirms that the hundreds of white nationalist posters found throughout the freshman dorms were posted by Kramer with a careless combination of tacks, tape, and in one instance—staples. Kramer even went as far as to tape the posters on windows and bathroom mirrors, a clear violation of Chapman posting policy.

In addition, a massive banned substance bust reveals he was in possession of three (3) Bath and Body Works Frosted Pumpkin Morning candles as well, found under his highly flammable Ben Shapiro shrine. Kramer admits to feeling remorse over the incidents, releasing a notes-app statement on twitter vowing to turn over a new-leaf and chant “All Lives Matter” before Quiet Hours from now on.

Who is George Bush? And why is he so hot?

On October 9th, campus will be completely closed down and classes will be cancelled after 4pm, all because of some guy named…George Bush? Never heard of him. I made a quick bing search to learn more about the man powerful enough to shut down THE Chapman University.

But then... it all made sense. This guy absolutely fucks.  He has salt and pepper hair and lips that yearn to be kissed. He has this dangerous look in his eyes that scream “I sent people to Iraq”, but a soft twinkle in those same eyes that says “I deregulated capitalism and brought forth the greatest recession since the great depression.” Some say he has a face that begs to be hit with a shoe, but I can’t help thinking his face begs to be sat on. I guess what I’m saying is…George, I’m just a girl standing in front of boy asking him…will you give this a shot? Laura can totally join.

Opinion: Juul No Longer Cuul

Word is out that taking 40 rips from a flavored e-cigarette might just be unhealthy. “Yeah, I guess juuls are bad now” said Brett from your business class. However, some students have found healthier ways to cope with the withdrawals. “I just do coke instead” said ex-Juuler Tyler Day, “I get this mango stuff from my friend’s cousin Craig. It’s the best powder I’ve ever had. Plus the cough I’ve had for 34 months went away.” says Day. He recommends that students trying to quit nicotine should consider snorting an ounce daily and joining the facebook group he co-admins — @ChapmanCokeConnection.

Holy Shit, This Dope Ass Professor Lets You Use His First Name

On Monday, freshman students who attended Dodge Professor Alan Bearman’s were shook to their core when he announced that he doesn’t mind being called by his first name. After rolling up his sleeves, Alan (as the students can now call him) told the class that he sometimes likes to joke around with his students, but all in good fun. It soon became clear that “joking around” meant making inappropriate comments about the young attractive female students in the class. How fun and laid back of him! He even said that you can email him at any time, even after 10pm because he stays up SUPER LATE.

In regards to office hours, Alan would love it if you came in, even if you don’t have any questions and just want to talk! Multiple sources have confirmed that Alan used swear words on numerous occasions during the 75 minute class period, indicating a level of chill never before seen. The chatter around campus is unmistakable, Panthers are excited for a professor this laid back. Professor Bearman was last seen kickflipping off of the top of Marion Knott Studios.

White Women Rejoice As Blue Bowl Adds Parking Spaces

Put down the protein supplements, get the fuck off those ellipticals — your favorite excuse to eat basically ice cream is back and more accessible than ever. The effortlessly photogenic Blue Bowl is a superfood spot frequented by Chapman students of all shades of blonde, and its famous açai is notably one of the only foods white people feel comfortable correcting you on the pronunciation of. This fall, it will be adding five (!!) new parking spaces, which will reportedly be able to accommodate a whopping two badly-parked Jeeps and one mini cooper that appears from a distance to be an open spot. 

“This is the kind of progress you always dream about, but never thought would actually come.” says Erica Allison, white. “I’m so glad I don’t have to pay that extra $2 to park at the children’s hospital” 

When asked what the future holds, Blue Bowl replied that it plans to expand into Nguyen’s Kitchen, which it claims has “zero positive effect on the community.” After trying the garlic noodles, this writer agrees.

Sophomore Excited to be Super Condescending this Semester

Rising sophomore Aaron Carney is reportedly “very excited” to be condescending as fuck to his freshman friends this semester. Carney, less than 12 months removed from crying because he couldn’t find Beckman, is now an orientation leader for PR & Ad students. He is all set to flex very basic campus knowledge way too hard. Sources close to Carney say to “let him know if you need help finding anything” and that he “knows it can be scary making your way around”. Witnesses claim that they saw Carney, 19, tell freshman Tom Sallurs, also 19, that he’ll try to get Sallurs into his friend’s parties but he doesn’t know if someone as young as Sallurs can get in. When asked how to use panther bucks by one of the students in his orientation group, Carney was quoted saying that his apartment “actually has a kitchen” and he “doesn’t need a meal plan”. Carney was last seen in the Beckman Starbucks telling freshmen to “enjoy the short line while it lasts.”