Updates From the Chapman Timeline Where COVID Never Happened

From the Chapman Football team forgetting how to play football to Pie Hole purchasing the entire Orange Circle, it’s been a wild first two months here at Chapman University in the 2020-2021 school year  - which is happening in person because why would school not happen in person?  Luckily, we’re here to catch you up. 

Convocation was marred by scandal when President Struppa welcomed the class of 2024 as the “Class of ‘69” and continued to emphatically bring up the number 69, which the Kumquat has now learned is the sex number. Then, in early September, half of the new Henley basement gym seceded from the other half and now.“East Gym vs. West Gym” has become the new “Blaze vs. Pizza Press.”

There’s also a freshman who just so happens to be named “Dayton Kingery” and nobody wants to break the news to him. Outrage engulfed the campus on Oct. 5 when Struppa erected a fifth pillar in the piazza, which had “owning the libs” written on it. Overall, it’s been a decent start and we hope for only wilder things as the administration begins its investigation into the disappearance of Leatherby Libraries.

Sorority Diversity Committee Solves Racism

“We did it,” said Nicole Adams, a junior on the newly founded Panhellenic “Diversity, Inclusion, and Pleasing Instagram Graphics” Committee. When asked why she chose to take part in this group, Adams said, “I was just so shocked and humbled when I realized how bad racism really was. It is really bad. Even on campus apparently!” After spending much of the summer guilt crying on zoom diversity trainings and making a nation wide issue about themselves, the committee has planned to continue their earth shattering activism by learning the word ‘institutional’ and recruiting another batch of white women. We tried to reach out to the fraternities to see what their action plan included, but the only response we received was a Facebook invitation to a party with a theme too racist to write out.

Bummer: Positive Covid Test Reportedly Bringing Down Vibes at my Party

After spending a long five months at home with their families, dab pens and the soul-crushing, double-whammy shame that is quarantine hometown Tinder, students are relieved to finally be back in Orange. Unfortunately, this journalist is bummed to report that a positive Covid Test is really bringing down the vibes at my party. Despite following CDC guidelines that “if anyone has COVID pls don’t come <3” and only hooking up with people who seemed like they had been social distancing, my party was nonetheless in jeopardy. When asked for comment, my roommate Connor said “We were very clear to our guests. You can spread any STI you want, but DJP is gonna be balls-deep in our case if one of you brings COVID. I don’t see how it’s our fault that our guests didn’t listen”. It’s an interesting point. Perhaps the University will listen. In the meantime, residents of my house can at least take comfort in the fact that we’re not really that bad because we wear masks to the grocery store.

Every Frat Guy Should Vote For Biden: Here’s Why

It’s a landmark year for American politics, but as the nation’s disenfranchised fight for their right to be treated as human beings, still others are asking questions like, “Why should I care?”, “How will this affect me?”, and “Who do you know here?”  So, this one goes out all my boys playing die on the front lawn — here’s why Joe Biden is the ultimate frat star candidate. 

The Trump administration is full of filthy fucking unaffiliateds. Think about it this way, bro: Trump is pro-police, which, by the law of equivalent exchange, makes Joe Biden pro-parties. You wanna keep hitting it raw? Trump wants to defund Planned Parenthood. Are you ready to be a Dad? 

And just look at Don Jr.’s fucking face. That’s the kind of pussy who cries to IFC when you make him kill a handle. Meanwhile, Hunter Biden would get pref’d for Phi Delt AT LEAST. The guy got busted for doing coke in a VIP strip club, that’s like the definition of a stud.

Maybe you think voting is just too hard. Like, bro, I agree, but you’re forgetting you HAVE pledges. You think shotgunning ten Michelobs is hardcore? Try phone banking for Democratic candidates in Flagstaff, Arizona. That shit is next-level hazing.

So this election season, really think about who you’re giving a bid to for the presidency. And remember that only one of these candidates downplayed a pandemic which caused the death of hundreds of thousands of Americans and has the official endorsement of white supremacists. If you’re still undecided after all that, then get the fuck out of our house.

People Chapman Should Fire

People Chapman Should Fire

Lisa Sparks

The Dean of Communications

Lisa Sparks

Struppa’s Wife

John Eastman

People Chapman Should Promote

The person who has to attach the light up panther to the side of Beckman every winter

Melba from Einstein’s Bagels

The people who resurrect memorial lawn every month

Whoever has to wear the pete the panther costume

Pete the Panther

I Flirted Myself into Several Relationships and I'm Scared to Return to Orange

As the countdown of days until I move back to Chapman becomes shorter, my fear grows stronger. There is an eerie storm looming in the distance… instilling fear in the depths of my soul… my 8 quarantine boyfriends. (Would be 10, but like, 2 are taking the semester off.) Left to my own devices the past 5 months, no roommate to dropkick the phone out of my hand after any “u up?” text, there is no one to blame but myself. In the beginning, it seemed harmless. August just didn’t seem real to me… and frankly, I am shocked and taken aback at its audacity to exist right now. Otherwise, maybe I would’ve considered that my flirting out of boredom could create an even more threatening environment for me when I return. 

I literally don’t know how to handle all these “we should hang when you get back” texts from guys I simply never want to hang with. “Maybe we can quarantine together”... you have ONE navy blue pillow that’s a quarter inch wide, Aiden. Yeah, at least the semester’s online, but what if I’m spotted by a past lover as I roam about Palm and Glassell? And sure my mask will kinda protect my identity, but it can’t hide my unique, glowing eyes… The only solution at this point is to pretend I’m studying abroad… okay wait so many other countries have actually handled COVID at this point, so maybe I really should? Ciao, uglies!

P Safe Wondering if ACAB applies to them

Public safety officer Jerome McGuire just wants to make sure you don’t mean him when you say “ALL cops are bastards.”

“I mean, you know I’m not really a cop, right?” said an anxious McGuire, “All I do is condescendingly unlock your dorm when you lose your ID and say something like ‘don’t make a habit of this.’”

McGuire used to flex the little power he had over students any chance he got, but recently he has been backpedaling like a motherfucker. 

“Look, we’re not perfect, we make you get a special bike lock, Okay Fine We Steal The Bikes, but that’s as devious as we get.”

McGuire is not alone, many public safety officers have felt uneasy with this abrupt change in social status.

“Am I going to be able to hang out at Improv Inc. auditions anymore?” said a concerned P Safe Hinson, “I’m getting really worried... my blue lives matter tik tok flopped.”

IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM AN #ACTIVIST

Hey everyone, it’s Ryleighy here. I just wanted to speak up and share my allyship plan for the coming months. I know many of you probably noticed my black tile post with #blacklivesmatter. Don’t worry! I kept it up even when people asked me to take it down because I’m sick of women always having to apologize. I have come to the decision that it’s cool to support #blackpeople and I intend to throw myself into activism #challengeaccepted. 

Of course, I will update my story with cute but vague graphics, but I refuse to stop my bi-weekly bikini pics where my caption about “loving each other” is outshined by my tits. Also, I bought this swimsuit for $5 online from a website that definitely uses little brown children. Support 👏Minority👏Businesses👏

And okay, yes, my boyfriend is a Trump supporter, but I’m not even giving him blowjobs any more because I’m like such a feminist now. That link to a petition you sent me? I said I signed it to make you stop texting me so I could go back to watching The Blind Side because you guys we NEED to like, educate ourselves. I’ll leave you with this: I WILL continue to say the n-word because like #solidarity, you know? 

Chapman Male Feminist Unsure if Supporting Women or Black People Will Get Him Laid More

Greg Rosenberg was killing the game. He had an RBG sticker on his laptop. He memorized talking points such a “Fuck the Patriarchy”, on Sundays, he could be seen patiently read Rupi Kaur out on memorial lawn. He’d wear pink shorts to every dayger and it always got him to at least second base, but never third because he’s too passionate about the orgasm deficit. That all changed this summer. All of a sudden, police decided to start being racist to Black people, and Greg was torn. He’d put too many hours into his brand as THE Chapman male feminist to just, pivot to a different thing. However, all the 9s and 10s on his ig feed seemed to be way more into racial justice at the moment. Greg was at an impasse. How could he juggle supporting women and Black people? After much deliberation, Rosenberg realized that it just might be high time to switch his bio from #FreeTheNipple to #BLM…whatever that stands for.

BREAKING: Tuition to be Completely Refunded

You fucking idiot. You really thought? You REALLY thought that we were gonna refund tuition?? God, you should see the look on your face right now. We would NEVER refund tuition. Not in a MILLION years would we even THINK about it. And guess what, we spent it already. Yeah, motherfucker, we spent it. We’re making another Dodge. That’s right, Dodge 2. You wanna know why? You’re inquiring about the significance of a SECOND Dodge? Cause we thought it would be fucking sick. And guess what you piece of shit. It is. It is fucking sick. What’d you think we were gonna do with the money? Give it to the fucking communications majors? So they can communication better?? Hey little newsflash for you, nobody gives a FUCK about communication pal. It’s not even a real major. We made it up to sucker some extra chumps out of 75 grand a year and those idiots FELL FOR IT. In summary: fuck you, fuck your money, see everyone in the fall!