Grandma Sally, Please Let Me Bring My Embarrassing Boyfriend Home For Thanksgiving

Grandma, I hope this WhatsApp message finds you well. 

This Thanksgiving, I’m officially in a loving relationship with my perfect Pike pookie, Zeke Goobley. We’re finally going steady this semester after a 14-month-long situationship which culminated in me threatening to drown myself in the dorm pool. 

We’re always spending quality college time together, ripping carts in his moldy garage and fighting about when he should hard launch me on his Instagram story. When we go on dates (that I plan, because Google Calendar is difficult to operate for him), he always takes me to the oozingly romantic Subway Cafe. God, he’s SUCH a feminist, he always makes sure I pay for our meals. 

Grandma Sally, I know you’re all into reading Vogue now, but come on, having a loving man in your life is not embarrassing! I know Grandpa occasionally soils himself and forgets your birthday every year, but Zeke is different. Zeke promises to contribute to your beautiful Thanksgiving spread. He said he’d fly his keg out for us if you let him slide through! He’ll be extra careful to make sure all the little cousins get upside down on that thang safely. 

Come On! Let's put the Geno-aside! Chapman Gets Hip Hop on Gaza

In a youth effort move, Chapman has put out what they call a “lit ass statement on g-g-g-aza” to ease student demands to divest funds from Israel, hoping to appeal to what they call the “soul-funk brothers and sisters on campus”.

“Ayo! Time out! SJP this, genocide that; can’t a punk lovin’ “gangsta” have a p-p-peace of mind? We at Chapman hear you crispity clear about how we give phat band to Israel, the promised land, freest mothafuckin’ country in the middle of the fuckin’ east, but sorry Ms. Jackson, we ain’t divesting whack! Did you know Tupac’s from Israel? Uh-huh, Now that’s hot! Did you also know Hamas banned “chilling with your homies at the crib”? Whaaat? Whatchu talkin about Willis!”

In an attempt to be with “it”, Chapman then detailed other pressing issues on-campus that students should focus on. “How about we all protest about some real “rap” shit, yo! Too many nonsense characters causing trouble for our MCs over at p-p-public safety, all because they’re not strapped! Give them guns, man, we’re at war! How about all the ‘fugees and immigrants coming from all over the globe, and stealing your tuition doe! That ain’t hip hop, That’s an invasion! So how about all the boys and girlies unite and keep it Cali in here, cus they not like us! Pussy eating parlow, OUT.

My Rocky Journey as a Serial Killer at Chapman

As a boy, I always knew I wanted to kill people. Other kids on the playground would play tag or “Cowboys and Indians,” while I spent my time killing people. Yup, when other kids were learning science, I was murdering people with a knife and gun!

When Chapman offered me the Ted Bundy Scholarship for Promising Young Killers, I thought this would be a fantastic opportunity for me as a first-generation murderer, pursuing a real dream of murdering full-time. Hell, maybe one day I could even get a cool name like “Zodiac Killer” or “President of the United States”.

But did Chapman deliver? Hardly. Where do I start? Well, for one, the John Wayne Gacy School of Excellent Execution is severely underfunded, and you can’t branch out. What if I wanna change lanes, get dirty with it – Dahmer style? Or what if I wanna be the hero in the story and kill only bad guys, like Policemen or essential workers?

It doesn’t just end there, my friends. Not only am I a murderer, but I am also deeply racist, and I find it ridiculous that there are zero people of color that I can murder on campus. Chapman, I petition you: Do better. Serial Killers exist. We matter.