Freshman Guy Excited for his First Boy-Girl Halloween Party

Urged by his mother that he is a little old for trick or treating, Jeffrey Ames, freshman computer engineering major, has decided to attend his first coed Halloween party. “Oh man, I just can’t wait. I wonder if Annie F. from Stats class will be there… she could make a great sensual witch.” When our investigator asked Annie F. what costume she was planning on wearing, she told us her options are, “that girl from Pulp Fiction and Mia Goth from X… Like three people have told me I kinda look like her already so, yeah.” 

When asked which is his favorite of those two costume options, Jeffrey told us that his Mom didn’t let him see either of those movies. Jeffrey is planning on being Michael Scott from the Office for the party, because he is 53 years old and formerly worked an office job before reentering higher education, so he’s got business casual covered. “College has been awesome so far. I had my first beer a couple weeks ago… the only thing that could make this better is if I get to grind with Annie F. at the boy-girl Halloween party.” Fingers crossed, Jeff!

A Harrowing Encounter and Definitely not an Excuse: the Marion Knott Ghost Train

Dearest Professor of Cinematic Arts, 

My hands quake as I write this. I was late to your class once again, but I swear by my forefathers that I was stalled by a phantom force—a ghost train! 

I know you will never believe me. I recall your words just last Wednesday, how you told me to stop making excuses and that it was “impossible to be delayed more than two minutes by that train crossing near The K.” But I swear to you now, Professor, had you witnessed this ghoulish sight, you would nary cross those hallowed tracks again. 

Horrible and revenant, the spectral locomotive materialized in a roar of hellfire, its whistle shrieking the screams of a thousand souls! The wheels rumbled the tracks as vampire bats flew overhead. Underneath the billowing death-black steam of its engine sat a skeleton conductor. He laughed a gut wrenching cackle, the sky split in two with lightning, and I watched as the tormented ghosts of LA commuters flew by, fresh from the gates of hell.  

The apparition vanished into the night as quickly as it had arrived, but I was so petrified that I had no choice but to be 33 minutes late to your class. 

My apologies.

Inspiring: There’s a Goblin Up There in the Chapman Bell Tower Who Rings it.

Last Saturday, when the Kumquat Investigative Team went to Fowler to throw rocks at it, we found a secret staircase behind an antique pipe organ. And after ascending countless floors full of spooky spider webs, ghastly gargoyles, and a “Law Student” we met Ginkgo Globnar, the man behind the bell.

At first, Ginkgo’s goblinoid, hunchbacked, and generally grotesque appearance was quite frightening. But we soon learned that looks can be deceiving!

It turns out Mr. Globnar is on work study, and as long as he rings the bell three times per day (once when Starbucks opens, once for midday prayer, once when Starbucks closes) the school allows him to seek refuge in the dank, windowless crawl space.

Ginkgo grunted something about “crushing loneliness” and “wanting to be loved” but at least he’s getting free room and board–that’s one lucky goblin! He also tried to follow us out of the tower, but his dedication to the job and his shackles made it impossible! 

No matter how you slice it, Ginkgo is an inspiring example of work study in action!

Weekly Horoscope: Which Circle Celebrity Are YOU?

Aries: Walking stick man. Super aloof and a goof.

Taurus: Palm porch watcher. The vibes feel a little off but non threatening I think.

Gemini: The bouncer at Paul’s. WAY too tall. Almost too tall. Almost.

Cancer: An outside Starbucks cigar smoker. I hate you but also I’d miss you if you were gone.

Leo: The lady who tells me never to get an abortion. Dramatic and extremely passionate.

Virgo: “Just getting drinks” at Bosscat on a weeknight. (Not derogatory)

Libra: Someone who shops at Laurenly boutique. There’s nothing wrong with it but… no.

Scorpio: The old man who is always carrying patio furniture on his bike. Mysterious, freaky, awesome.

Sagittarius: Shirtless, barefoot, beanie, Bruxie man. Super adventurous but also authentic.

Capricorn: The goose. For all the good and bad reasons.

Aquarius: Deelux worker. So indie it's almost not indie anymore.

Pisces: That one guy I saw leaving the Masonic temple building. What are you hiding?

Follow @kumhoroscopes for more!

So-Called "Communist" Seen at New Chipotle

Don’t be fooled by Chloe Stricker’s pin that claims we have “nothing to lose but our chains”, as they were recently spotted at the worst chain of all: popular fast-casual “Mexican” (racist) restaurant conglomerate Chipotle, an anonymous source tells the Kumquat. Stricker, a junior Peace Studies major, passed by the woman-owned military surplus store, a minority person, and even Wells Fargo without dismantling the system—before entering the tyrannical eatery.

Stricker continued to grease the wheels of capitalism with the blood of the proletariat by purchasing a vegan sofritas burrito bowl before heading to their ‘Borders, Conflict, and Sovereignty’ class. Further investigation from our team of journalists unearthed that Stricker allegedly also has a job, and collects a paycheck on top of that—from her gay boss no less.

Stricker also asked my boyfriend to ‘please wash his dishes’ after he uses them in our house because he “doesn’t live here”, hammering the final nail in their coffin as a full-fledged landlord, apparently. Sad!

Plastic Drawers Linked to Chronic Health Issues (Kumquat’s First Non-Satirical Article)

A recent study by LMU researchers reveals exposure to plastic drawers, the kind often used in dorm rooms as cheap and compact storage, causes chronic illness including but not limited to heart disease, eczema, migraine headaches, high blood pressure, cancer, arthritis, and cystic fibrosis. “These illnesses start when microplastics shaved off by the drawers’ sliding motion circulate in the air and enter the body,” researcher Rael Pearson explains. This means that no matter the origin, be it retail stores, yard sales, or panhellenic Facebook marketplaces, they are guaranteed to cause debilitating, incurable health issues that start immediately and get worse with long-term exposure.

Will Chapman do anything about this? It’s an open secret among donors that Slidecom, a multinational manufacturing corporation that oversees global production of plastic drawers, provides the funds for the majority of Chapman’s operations. Thus they have a stranglehold on the institution’s policies. Both Danielle Struppa and Slidecom CEO Silas Slider ignored our request for comment. It is therefore up to the student body to spread the word about this life saving discovery as Struppa and his cronies wallow in the pocket of Big Drawer.

Wedding Announcement: Your Roommates

Congratulations to the happy couple of the Class of 2026 on their recent engagement! Sparks flew in their undeclared O-week group as they instantly connected over sitting next to each other and being 18. “We feel like we’ve known each other for years!” says Max Wheeler, on Day 4 of his and Tyler Fuchs’ relationship. The pair had a lot of ups and downs this past week, an up being finding out they were roommates, and a down finding out they’re distantly related cousins.

The couple’s third roommate, Brian, is less than supportive of this young queer couple, saying “They’ve pushed all our beds together to make a ‘megabed’ for their ‘Honeymoon suite’,” he explained. “I’ve been sleeping on a pleather couch in the study lounge all week. I’m so cold man.” he says, homophobically.

Nevertheless, the couple plans to move forward with their ceremony—officiated by their OL and taking place in the 4th floor Pralle-Sodaro study lounge. Open invite to all panthers except Brian!

First Day of School Manifestations

I just found out my roommate manifests. She says it works so well she made her ex get into a car accident. She told me to speak in the present and address the powerful Universe’s great life plan for me so… here it goes. 

I am going to have a class crush. I am going to have someone to look cute for. I am going to act disinterested and mysterious when they start chatting with me in class. I am going to stalk their Spotify and memorize their liked songs. I am going to go home and find their parents' current occupations (I have LinkedIn Premium.) I am going to secretly put a microphone in their backpack and listen to them breathe. I am going to convert to their religion. I am going to carve their name into every wall in my bedroom. I am going to make them socially isolated so they can turn to me and me only. No friends. No family. Just me, the love of their life. 

I know the only reason I am doing this is because my class crush manifested me doing this.

Thank you Universe. Thank you Universe. Thank you Universe.

HUMILIATING! Struppa Falls for BOFA Joke Onstage.

Despite his hours of practicing in the mirror, nothing could’ve prepared Struppa for what was to come on Monday at precisely 9:47AM. While waving his hands dramatically and welcoming new students to Chapman University, he made the amateur mistake of opening up the discussion for questions. “Do you guys have a BOFA center?”, bespoke a meager voice from the crowd. Struppa cleared his throat, his AI ill-equipped to handle such input. “What is BOFA?” He inquired. “BOFA DEEZ NUTS!” replied the crowd in thundering unison. The stage shook as Struppa crumbled to his knees. He lifted his hands, a white flag of submission against the faces of a thousand Raftus and Duffer wannabes united by a singular front. “What has humanity become?!” He begged, tears streaming down his face. The heavens split and a voice from beyond declared: “Stranger Things is getting a musical!”. Struppa gasped as a force lifted him to his feet. He hovered onstage, empowered by the success of alumni and the inevitable rise in applications. “It’s set in Nunya!”, spoke the voice. Struppa narrowed his eyes. His lips quivered. “Where is Nunya?”.

RA’s Now Authorized to Use “Lethal Force”

In anticipation of the rabid, delinquent, and ne'er-do-well freshmen that will soon flood Chapman’s innocent community, this year’s Resident Advisors have been authorized to use “controlled violence” in response to conduct breaches. 

“We’ve been trying out the ‘restorative and forgiving’ approach for a while now,” laments Sandhu RD Tom Alejandro, “but these kids are out of control. I lost two good advisors last week, dammit. We need emergency measures.”

These measures are intended to shift the RA position away from “friendly advocate” into the role of “judge, jury, and executioner” and will enable the use of no-knock warrants, shoot-first policies, removal of body cams, and tactical grenades. Parties will be tear-gassed, arguing roommates will be tazed, and rooms suspected of illegal candle usage will be raided via R.A. S.W.A.T. 

Some sissy losers complain that these policies are an “infringement of civil liberties” and that “martial law” is “bad.” However, us patriots at the Kumquat believe that these new changes are badass and cool. Protect the Thin Red Line!

From the Editor's Desk

Wazzup dear readers!!

Skwunk here. Hope your summer was finger-lickin’ good. Mine sure was. Not in a sex way, though. I wish I could tell you all about my summer, but unfortunately, legally speaking, I am not allowed. Let’s just say hypothetically Skwunk spent some time in Europa, along with every college-aged man and woman in America, was recruited as a spy for the CIA, and helped bust a huge drug trafficking network in Ibitha. Besides that, I’ve just been bummin’ it around Orange. I’ve picked up a new hobby, actually. Every morning at 8am, I set up my lawn chair and smoke a cigar with those guys outside of Starbucks. Just as good as meditating. 

Freshman? Hello? Can you hear me? I’ve got some advice for you! First meal, you gotta walk up to the biggest guy in the Caf and sucker punch him right in the face. Kick him in the nutz for good measure. That is the only way to gain any respect around here. 

Ok, skwunk ya later. Luvs ya!!!

Xoxo, 

Dr. Skwunk DDS