Senior Moves to NYC for “Dream Service Industry Job”

For senior sociology major Sophia Mattson, living in New York City has been a life-long dream That’s why this Spring, Sophia is excited to announce she will finally take the risk and move into her own $3000 one bedroom apartment in Bushwick. “I cannot wait to fulfill my destiny as a barista in New York City. I just know that within a few weeks I’ll get scouted for acting or club girling or something. Everyone has to live in New York at some point in their 20’s, and I’m excited to go from the boring girl next door to hot girl in the apartment next door.” 

Sophia is planning on moving on June 1, though her friends have expressed concern about her life in the Big Apple to our reporters. “She hates noises, smells, and anyone who disagrees with her. One time she smoked a cigarette then walked around telling everyone at Paul’s that she smelled ‘poor.’ But she can definitely afford it, so I guess there’s that,” Brinly Loster’22 and current New Yorker shared with us. 

** Update: Sophia toured her apartment and decided to move to Austin instead. When we asked why, she simply stated “gross.”

Male Student Busted for Busting on Reagan Bust

Yes, you read that right. Reagan has been shot, although this time with a different type of bullet. The perpetrator’s harrowing confession was leaked on Fizz. “It all started when my girlfriend, Keighleigh, couldn’t get me hard anymore. She’s a light 6 so I wasn’t too worried, but then I realized that nothing could get me hard, not even owning kids in my biology class that believe in evolution. I thought I was turning “soy” because of the lack of strong male role models in my life (my dad voted for Warren). But then, on the way to a Chapman Republicans meeting, I saw Him. His eyes twinkled at me from underneath his rugged cowboy hat as blood finally began to trickle down to my nether regions. I’ll spare you the rest of the gory details. But yes, P-Safe Officer Hinson, that was me who came on Ronald Reagan. Do I regret it? Not in the slightest. You can lock me away and throw away the key, but you’ll never take my newfound manhood.”

Bluestone Lane is for the Boys

It has come to our attention that Bluestone Lane is crawling with Chapman boys. The Kumquat dug around and discovered that Chapman IFC approved Bluestone Lane as the coffee shop where frat boys can get a little drinky (masculine). Delts President Chris told the Kumquat, “We have a real knack for interior design... and Bluestone nails the atmosphere so well. It truly embodies the ‘Hampton summer beach house’ vibe which just makes me and my brothers feel so at home.” Phi Delt Riley said, “I heard Bluestone is going to raise their prices even more… and I think that’s awesome.” Additionally, Phi Delt will be holding their Spring Formal at Bluestone Lane, although women will not be allowed inside the establishment. Our female reporter conducted over 25 more interviews for this article but all she got was: “It’s for the boys, you wouldn’t get it.”

Senior Advice for the Incoming Freshman

Graduating seniors are often asked, “What is one piece of advice you’d give your younger self?”. Imagine with me for a moment. You’re walking to class, you look across the Piazza and saw her. You, as a high school senior, is on a tour of Chapman. 

According to Julie Simons, a senior, SCC major, it happened. She caught eyes with Young Julie and raised her arm. Young Julie raised her arm at the exact same time, like a mirror. Gasp. Young Julie walked towards Old Julie, “Are you….???”, they said simultaneously. 

Young Julie had a lot of questions: “Did you lose your virginity yet? Are you happy? You look, like, kind of sad and haggard…?” Old Julie smirked, how could she have ever been so naive? Then, Old Julie did what had to be done, “RUN. GIT. GET OUT OF HERE. NEVER RETURN. RETAKE THE FUCKING SAT AND GO TO NYU.”

Every student within earshot stood and slow-clapped, for Old Julie did what they wished they could do. As Young Julie returned to the tour group and told her parents she wanted to leave, Old Julie smiled, finally at peace, turned into dust, and floated into the wind.

SAD: Graduates Miss Jerry Price’s Backflip After Getting Distracted By Loud Plane

After watching reruns of American Ninja Warrior all week, Dean Jerry Price put on his best New Balance sneakers in hopes of landing the sickest backflip ever at graduation. “It’s going to be SO EPIC. It'll probably be on the news.” wrote Price in his email newsletter. 

Unfortunately, the cruel hands of fate had different plans. Just as Jerry Price planted his feet and muttered a quote from The Blind Side (listed under “pump up movies” on Price’s Letterboxd), a big plane broke the sound barrier. The whole crowd peered upwards, missing Price’s really cool backflip entirely. Witnesses report hearing phrases like “wow that’s a loud plane” and “yeah we’re right by John Wayne (SNA)”. Having planned this backflip in lieu of his commencement speech, Jerry Price approached the microphone drenched in sweat, and panted: “Good luck. Fight on… err… Paws up”. 

The Kumquat chooses to believe Price landed the backflip (we’ve seen him doing parkour in the Piazza fountain).  One user on Twitter agreed. “Woah! Jerry Price is the coolest guy ever! We should increase his salary so he can afford acrobatics camp this summer!”@Official_Jerry_Price.

Smith Hall’s Masturbating Ghost: Great Metaphor for Graduating

John Cassian, a staunch Catholic and ghost stuck in purgatory in Smith Hall room 206, refuses to ‘go into the light’ for fear of going to Hell because of the frequency with which he ‘jerked it’. “I’m ashamed of course, but I’m trying to be transparent with you… I was a complicated man. I loved God but I loved yanking my junk even more.”

“We’ve tried explaining that self-exploration is normal, but he won’t listen. Instead, he just pouts around; stomping across classrooms, moving books slightly to the left or right, and making people really chilly all of a sudden,” said Katie Smith, a Healthy Panther representative.

Unnamed Senior Kumquat reporter found they really related to the ghost’s issues. “With graduation coming up, I feel like he and I are going through the exact same thing. I’m terrified of graduating and going to Hell (Corporate America) and, I also masturbate way too much and will probably go to real Hell for it. Point is, I guess, change is inevitable and healthy. So is masturbation.”

OPINION: End Drought-Resistant Landscaping

New “eco-friendly” landscaping is here, and let me just say: it sucks! As an Instagram-based climate activist, I’m all about saving the turtles, just not when it’s this fucking ugly. Where’s the cottage core ivy or the zen bamboo stalks? This is Chapman University, home of the 52nd best business school in the country, not an old folk’s home in Tucson!

Sure, kids in 20 years might think polar bears are mythical creatures, but I ask you this: when will it end? When the trees turn to shrubs and the fountains fill with gravel? When Memorial Lawn becomes Memorial Concrete Slab?

Besides, when all the radiation from the phone constantly 3 inches from my balls catches up to me, I’ll be lucky to make it to 2050. And shit won’t get REALLY bad until after that.

I say it’s time to take a stand and fight for what really matters: the way things look. Because when the moths of extinction lay waste to our brains and it all disappears, what difference will a little extra water really make?

Grandma’s Actual Death Limits Future Absence Potential

Josh Smith had been using the “My Grandma died” email as a surefire way to get out of class for years. Unlike faking illness and “mandatory” rush events, the excuse was tried and true, an absence that no Professor had the heart to criticize. 

But last Wednesday, when Great Granny Smith choked to death on a Werther's Original before falling out of her stair lift and down a flight of stairs, Josh’s entire world changed. With his Grandma now actually dead–for real this time–he was struck with a new sense of mortality and regret. 

“I realized that I could lose Grandpa to chronic black lung or Uncle Benny to his vices any day now,” says Josh, “and if they die, who will get me out of class then?

After recognizing this ticking clock, Josh compiled a backup list of distant relatives, pets, and beloved neighbors that he could canonically kill off for absence purposes. But it won’t last forever. “One day the reaper's hand reaches for us all,” says Josh.   

Despite this haunting realization, Josh remains optimistic, because “at least their funerals can get me out of like three, maybe four, exams.”

Student Claims K-Apartment, Citing “Squatters Rights”

Landing an apartment in Chapman’s own “Utopia for Film Bros” has fractured friend groups and effectively decimated the freshmen ecosystem. One resident, Daphne Lark, suspects that PR & Ad sophomore Sally Slumberdown might have ‘adversely possessed’ the dorm next door. Sightings of Sally are incredibly rare, but Daphne swears that her missing UberEats orders and the morse-code through the walls are evidence that she is more than a myth.

Thankfully, the Kumquat staff is proficient in Morse, and exclusively interviewed this politically vague revolutionary. “When I applied for the K last year, they spat in my face and banished me to Panther Village,”  tapped Sally through the walls. “Why would I pay 1400 a month, when you can just walk in, hang out, and refuse to leave?” 

PSafe stated that they will show “no remorse” to the squatter-at-large. While their butterfly nets failed last week, K Residents have reported bear claws and poisonous gas near Slumberdown’s suspected quarters. An increase in hospitalizations means it might be easier than ever for freshmen to get their dream apartment next year! Hooray!

New “Macro Friendly” Station Opens at the Caf

Sick of just eating dry chicken and rice? Looking for more ways to contribute to your glorified eating disorder? Replacing the estrogen-infested, pathetic liberal vegan station, look no further than Chapman University’s very first slaughterhouse! For just two swipes, you can now pick a helpless animal, have it butchered right in front of you, and eat it raw. It’s cutting season, baby!

The station will feature a variety of livestock (none of which have been ethically raised) such as creatine dusted chickens, iron-deficient cows with 2% body fat, and—if our resident cat-catchers get lucky—one of those jacked stray-cats from the streets of Orange. Meeeeoow! 

Remember, only the strong survive, and this ain’t a Petco. If the butcher sees you cry, your next meal has to live with you for a full week before its slaughter. Name it at your own risk! Now get that soy-boy ass up, eat some real protein, and get back on the bench, cause no one will ever truly love you with those feminine hips.

Three Girls Stranded In Fiji After Uber Takes Them To Actual Fiji

“The Fiji party was supposed to be 1920’s prohibition era themed so I was a little confused by all the sand” says Isabella Capes, sophomore, after approaching the beach in the exotic island nation. After downing lukewarm vodka in black tank tops and jeans, Isabella ordered an UberXL to Batavia for her and her roomies. Yet rather than enter the address, Isabella typed in “FIJI” and charged her Mom’s Paypal upwards of four-thousand dollars.“We thought it was a little expensive but you know gas prices are really bad right now” adds Isabella’s roommate, Viv Anderson. Neither her nor her roommates thought twice about the ride even after the driver dropped them at John Wayne. When they proceeded to board a Delta flight - mistaking the airline for a possible relationship to the fraternity Delts - the girls continued to express no concern. One day and fourteen hours later, the three dismayed partiers found themselves alone with no beer funnels or dead-eyed, handsy fraternity brothers in sight.  “I’m giving the driver three stars. Not for bringing us to Fiji but because he asked about my day when I have ‘silence mode’ on in the app. Creep.” Says Capes.  SafeRide declined to pick them up. 

Chapman Gym to Install Insecurity Stalls

Finally, the voice inside your head (that your therapist tells you not to listen to) has been heard! The Henley Gym will be implementing Insecurity Stalls before the semester ends. These stable-like divider structures will be placed around all the gym equipment as part of Chapman’s new mental health initiative, #WeRThinkingAboutYou (formerly #StopBeingSad). Insecurity Stalls will allow you to do things you always worry about, like wiping your sweat on your shirt, leaving after just 30 minutes, or when you put too much weight on that arm pulley machine and can’t lift it and then you just move to the identical one next to it that doesn’t have any weights on it, just the bar. Even better, you can finally stop worrying about the four girls next to you doing 12-3-30 without reaching for their inhaler. You can use the stairmaster without being inches away from your disgusting reflection! And the best news, you can avoid seeing a single soul, because let’s be honest, nobody wants to see your fugly face anyways. #ThanksChapman!

Stop Texting Your Boyfriend In Class I’m In Love With Him Too Now

In the midst of my 2:30 M/W Art History course, my eyes grazed upon an innocent text on the laptop screen of the girl sitting right in front of me: “What do you want from QDOBA, babe?” My heart skipped a beat.

Every class I fell for him harder. His silly little jokes, his outdated memes, his texts asking if she could give him a ride home. By the end of the month, he wasn’t just her boyfriend, he was ours.

Before class I change my outfits seven times just in case he’d drop her (us) off to class. I’d watch her screen closely to figure out what bar we’d be meeting at. And when he sent her their Vegas formal booking confirmation, I got my own room next to theirs because I knew he was allowed to invite only one person. (It’s fine, I know he has no control over Greek life’s outdated monogamous standards.)

Recently they’ve (we’ve) been discussing their (our) plans for housing next year. They’re looking at a cute, little one-bedroom on Lemon and I’m so excited! While she’s on Zillow during class, I’ll be on Amazon looking for a California King bed.

Breaking: Fetty Wap to be Hired as New Dean

Kumquat reporter Kummy has stumbled upon top-secret news. Stephen Galloway will be stepping down on the first of next month and will be replaced by the artist of those three songs you know. Say hey what’s up hello to…the legendary Fetty Wap. 

Kummy couldn’t stop wondering “When will he be mine?” Luckily, he saw Fetty, or Dean Wap, strut past him on the crosswalk. Luckily, he was able to press rewind (see that ass one more time) and get an exclusive interview. When asked about his career shift, Dean Wap said he is “excited” and “1738.” We’re unsure what that number means. Apparently, he has been manifesting this “dream job” since 2015, with the mantra “Baby, won’t you come my way?” In regards to changes, the Dean plans on replacing the toilet paper in the bathroom with hundred dollar bills and banning little dogs from the inside of the Dodge premises. When Kummy asked Galloway about losing the Dean position, he cried, “I want you to be mine again baby.” Clearly, he’s also a Fetty fan.

*P-Safe declined to comment on the Glock in his ‘Rari.

Neighbor Threatens to File a Noise Complaint Unless He’s Invited to the Party

Last Friday night, at an (honestly kind of lame) sexy rodeo-clown themed “party”, a threatening knock was heard at the strike of 11:15. Occupant of the home and junior communications major, Kiki Marks, put on her soberest face to answer the door and was met with a very stern Jimmy Lice (43 and lives with his mother). 

He berated Kiki for interrupting his 83 year-old mother’s slumber with a karaoke rendition of Shallow by Lady Gaga. “You doing some sort of BDSM thing?” Lice asked, referring to the lassos and assless chaps Kiki’s roommates purchased an hour before at Party City. “Let me in on your little orgy or I’ll file a noise complaint.” Faced with a real catch-22, the group of students decided the best option was to accommodate Jimmy and host a full-on bacchanal. 

Secretly, Kiki was elated; this gave her the perfect excuse to hook-up with her long-lusted-after roommate without it being awkward. Plus, Jimmy Lice had his first kiss and butt-stuff all in one night! Just goes to show what can happen when we take police out of the equation and mediate issues as a community…neighbor-to-neighbor; mano-y-mano; hole-to-hole.

New Language Class Taught By Charlie Brown Teacher

A new experimental language class recently came under fire after midterm grades revealed that every single student got a big fat zero. The Kumquat spoke with junior Sophie Gilbert to determine why the entire class is so stupid and bad at school. “I thought ‘experimental’ was a coded way of saying it was easy… but Charlie Brown Teacher LANG 101 is way harder than my quantum physics classes,” Sophie told our reporter. “I think the subjunctive is -WAHWAH endings… but it might be -WOHWOH. Fuck, I should have just taken Spanish at some online community college.” A 2-star RateMyProfessor review called Professor Hagemeyer, “Incomprehensible. Sounds like a trombone that smokes a pack a day.” When asked for comment, Professor Hagemeyer had this to say: “WAH-WAH WAH, WAH-WAH WAH. WAH.” We, the Kumquat, want to make clear that we do NOT condone Professor Hagemeyer’s statements on immigrants and are solely printing them to maintain our journalistic integrity. Good grief!

Girl in 10AM Friday Class Really Wants Everyone to Know She Went Out Last Night

“Do you have any Advil? No? Bummerrrrrrrrrr, my head hurts so much. I am NOT hungover, silly! I’m just so tired, actually. No, I WISH I had been doing homework. Seriously I WISH!!!! But somehow, I wound up at Paul’s triple-fisting a cigarette, a half-finished Corona I found on the pool table, and some townie’s vape. I know, taking a 10AM on a Friday was such a mistake! Especially because I hardly ever wake up in my own bed on Friday mornings (because of sex). Oh, you can see the hickeys on my neck? Embarrassing. I was running out of his place so fast I didn’t have time to cover them up! My feet hurt so much because the line at the D was sooo long. My therapist says I have a toxic, dependent relationship with the D because it’s the only time I ‘ever feel joy’ in my ‘shell of an existence’, but she’s definitely just boring. Anyway, wanna go out next week? What was your name again? Professor Anderson? Cool, pregame at mine.”

Brave Pioneers Needed To Settle Chapman Court

Hear ye! Hear ye! Five fortnights ago, President Struppa declared the acquisition of territory in the Anaheim province, a plot of land henceforth christened “Chapman Court.” This glorious annexation was made in order to secure the life, liberty, and tuition of 6,000 more over-admitted freshmen through expanding the borders of the Chapman nation. While this territory will soon be an apartment complex, it is currently a boundless landscape of untamed wilderness!

Which is why we need you, intrepid adventurer! Res Life is currently looking for young and spry (and preferably white) “Panther Colonists” willing to manifest their destiny and conquer this mighty backcountry using nothing but their rugged individualism. Besides the opportunity to live a life of freedom, independence, and unrestricted candle ownership, any brave pilgrims willing to decimate the native populations, deforest the lands of West Anaheim, and potentially perish from dysentery will be rewarded with an indentured servant and a discounted boarding fee of only $14,000 per semester! 

So what are you waiting for, settler? Instead of writing those angry emails about how your dorm is overpopulated, grab your ax and musket and get out there! A god-given providence awaits!

Do You Feel Ugly or Are You Just a POC?

Confused and dazed? Struggling to feel normal? Having difficulty waking up and putting your boobs on? It's possible that you’re either super ugly or just a person of color at Chapman University. Research has found these two characteristics are easily conflated, so if you’re like me and experiencing psychological warfare, don’t worry. I’m here to help!

 First, analyze the people around you: If your all-white friend group calls you their “funny friend”—which get the fuck out of there!—you are definitely just a POC. Probably a really pretty one who needs some new friends.

 Next, analyze the “compliments” given to you. If you keep hearing stuff like, “You are way tanner than me in the summer!” or “You have beautiful bushy caterpillar eyebrows!”, this one can be tricky—but you are just a POC! 

 Lastly… I’m sorry to say; it might just be that you’re ugly. You could always transfer, or be like me: a POC hoping that I’ll peak in my 30s cause there’s no fuckin’ way this is supposed to be the best part of my life.

Wilkinson celebrates grant of $20

Wilkinson College, the “heart and soul” of Chapman, excitedly announces “big things” this semester after receiving a generous donation of $20, quadrupling the college’s prior budget for spring classes. “I’m rethinking my whole curriculum,” Dr. Dressell, professor of English Literature says. “I’m hoping to buy several sheets of paper so I can print a portion of The Scarlet Letter onto it,” she explains. “With this kind of money, we can finally afford to explore the public domain!”

Other professors look forward to their own allocation of finances. “I’m hoping to get together with a few other professors so we can go in on some more paint,” says art professor Dr. Gilbert. “I don’t want to be greedy, but we could really use another tube.”

And just who is the mysterious benefactor behind the bounty? “I found a $20 bill on the ground by Bruxie. Guess it fell out of my pocket and blew over to Memorial,” says Film Production senior Finn Coppola. “Can I go now? I’m late for my thesis meeting and I need to accept Dodge’s ‘White Man with Industry Parents Grant’ for $20k.”