Wilkinson celebrates grant of $20

Wilkinson College, the “heart and soul” of Chapman, excitedly announces “big things” this semester after receiving a generous donation of $20, quadrupling the college’s prior budget for spring classes. “I’m rethinking my whole curriculum,” Dr. Dressell, professor of English Literature says. “I’m hoping to buy several sheets of paper so I can print a portion of The Scarlet Letter onto it,” she explains. “With this kind of money, we can finally afford to explore the public domain!”

Other professors look forward to their own allocation of finances. “I’m hoping to get together with a few other professors so we can go in on some more paint,” says art professor Dr. Gilbert. “I don’t want to be greedy, but we could really use another tube.”

And just who is the mysterious benefactor behind the bounty? “I found a $20 bill on the ground by Bruxie. Guess it fell out of my pocket and blew over to Memorial,” says Film Production senior Finn Coppola. “Can I go now? I’m late for my thesis meeting and I need to accept Dodge’s ‘White Man with Industry Parents Grant’ for $20k.”

SOS: DO NOT CLICK ON THE POLLS FOR THE PANTHER!

What began as harmless participation and Instagram story viewing led sophomore Vivienne Capes into a nightmare of epic proportions. “I thought I was just answering a cute little poll about the socioeconomic divide of the Chapman community and its implications on student culture,” Capes said. “But when I realized it was posted by The Panther, it was too late”.  When she refused to respond to the Panther’s fervent DMs—too busy to support her peers' honorable journalistic endeavors—the Panther took things a step further. They quickly commandeered Capes’s Bitcoin account, Webkinz account, and yes, even her bank account. They then hacked her Instagram and posted a deep fake saying how much she loooovveeeesss the Panther and student journalism. Ostracized by, like, everyone and kicked out of her apartment, Capes now lives off-the-grid in Panther Village. When we asked the Panther to comment on the situation, all they said was “Ne avertas a nobis. Nos sumus facie venturi. Diurnarium sumus. et consumemus vos.”*

*This translates to: Do not turn away from us. We are the face of the future. We are journalism. And we will consume you.

Female Student Devastated to Learn the Hooves Guy Calls Everyone “Sweetheart”

When the Hooves Guy began referring to junior, Haley Klein, as “sweetheart”, she was a little offended by the misogynistic undertone. But, as she returned day after day for her Peach Vibe Celsius and Elfbar, the way he asked, “How are you doin’, sweetheart?” just started to sound… right.

“It’s just different coming from him,” she thinks, “I should ask him when his birthday is so I can get him a present.” She didn’t question his intentions at all when he posted security footage of two girls being unknowingly recorded, “It’s not creepy, he just doesn’t know how Instagram works. It’s cute uncle-core.” 
On Wednesday afternoon, Haley walked in and was met with the usual, “How you doin’, sweetheart?” “I’m so good, how are–” But, before she could get the sentence out, another girl, Addie Kirkland, walked in and was immediately greeted by Hooves guy, “Sweetheart. How’s it going, today?” 

“She’s not sweetheart. I’m sweetheart! I’M SWEETHEART!” Haley screeched before crumpling to the ground into fetal position. Not knowing how else to react, the Hooves guy snapped a photo and posted it on Instagram, complete with bad graphic design, text overlay, and watermark: “Crazy female freakout @hoovesliquor”.

Dodge Unveils Star for Alumni Who’s in “That One Show”

“Nothing is more important to us than our alumni and the amazing work they do across so many different fields,” said whatever the Chair of Dodge’s name is, “Which is why we are thrilled to unveil a fourth star on our prestigious Walk of Fame for Janet, who plays girl number 3 in the new season of that one show about college kids!” This announcement was met with halfhearted claps and confusion from students who weren’t sure if Janet played that one friend that had one or two lines or if she played that other character that maybe had three or four lines? “If it weren’t for the rigorous screen acting degree and training I received here at Chapman University,” proclaimed a tearful Janet, “There is simply no way I could have delivered my three lines with the appropriate emotion and gusto. I am also super excited to announce that according to Deadline, I have just booked the role of Waitress #7 in the fourth episode of the new Girls Reboot: Boys!”

HARROWING: RA gets Insane P*ssy

This just in: despite having a “Chastity and Churros” community event just last week, Henley Hall RA Max Richie has been getting absolutely insane amounts of pussy, cock, and balls. According to residents in Mr. Dick’s “Fenestra Living Learning Community,” the unbridled  sound of passionate and intense lovemaking can be heard nearly 24/7, with a line of Chapman’s most eligible waiting their turn in the hallway. 

“I thought it’d be nice to live next to the guy who gives me lockout codes,” says freshman resident Brett Abramson, “but every waking hour the wall shakes, quivers, and bursts with the uncontrolled cries of pure ecstasy. I can’t sleep, I’m so aroused.” 

In order to investigate why some fucking hall monitor has a higher body count than us, we sent our investigative agent, Kummy, to the scene. Returning bow-legged, Kummy reported that besides “manipulating a position of power to exploit underclassmen for personal gain,” RA Richie also had a “huge cock.” 

Guess that means we’ll be showing up to the “Salsa and Studying” event next Friday! Hubba hubba!

Student a “Nationally Recognized Scholar,” Says Unsolicited Letter from Credible Organization

What would you do if you were better than everybody else? This is a question Geordie MacMalton, freshman, never thought he would confront until earlier this month when he received a letter from the National Society of Prodigious Scholars that graciously extended an offer of membership for a donation as small as $200.

Not only is Geordie now recognized as the undisputed champion of Chapman smarts-wise, his mother is also taking advantage of the prestige. “Who knew that a plain old bumper sticker that says ‘My student is in the NSPS’ would open so many opportunities for me?” says Lottie MacMalton, 67. “Now I’m the CEO of NASA and own 5 banks.”

Being so smart, Geordie MacMalton was able to graduate early with a BA in every major from MacMalton University (formerly Chapman University). World powers are now eagerly awaiting the young academic’s next move after the bombshell announcement last week that Geordie has received an envelope from the National Association of Honors Scholars.

Why I’ll allow myself to be penetrated by a Dodge King

It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m horny as FUCK. I know that Valentine’s Day is just a heteronormative holiday that reinforces monogamy in a capitalist society...but baby I Don’t Give A Fuck. I need a goddamn cock in my mouth.

After watching that Little Women shit, I’ve been horny as hell for Timothy Chalamay. (Chalameigh? Camelllet?), He’s inspired me to seek out guys in Dodge — specifically the kind that comment, “Actually it’s called a film” when I use the word “movie” in my Letterboxd review.

I never thought I would stoop this low, but I’ve already hooked up with all 3 guys in Wilkinson and now I need a Kyle from Lady Bird-Type to mansplain why social media is “seriously harming my mental health” even though we met on Grindr. I want a nicotine-addicted, Beautiful Boy type, whose face is shaped like a bicycle seat for me to sit on. And I wanna be fucked like a tight little peach sitting somewhere in Northern Italy, 1983.

Wait, I guess… I just want to fuck Timothée Chalamet(?) Timothée if you’re reading this, hit me up. Until then, I’ll settle for any boy with brown hair in Marion Knott Studios.

Why is it so cold? And other questions the white writers have been thinking

Why is it so cold? Where does the wind come from? How do scarves work? Since it is so cold, where did the hot go? Does Chapman care about their students? Am I still hot? Who gets to decide if I’m hot or not? Why are sunGLASSES made out of PLASTIC? Which is more “woke”, Lyft or Uber? So, is it more of an “I have to decide I’m hot thing?” Is it cultural appropriation if I get the coronavirus? If I’ve never had love, does that make love a lie or does that make me a virgin? Is it cultural appropriation if I don’t get the coronavirus? Does it matter if I’m hot if I’m still sad all the time? What do “walk in hours” mean? If one foot hurts and then I want to rest that foot, but then I overwork the other foot, now I have two hurt feet? How do I switch from being cute to being hot? Can my new hotness make it less cold? Why is it so cold? Why is it SO fucking cold?

An Open Letter to the AF Stairs

Dear AF Stairs, 

First off, your existence is chaos. How are all of your steps both too narrow and too wide? I genuinely don’t know the length of stride I should take. Also, don’t give me that “being a spiral staircase is hard” bullshit, because I just spent some time in Europe and they have many spiral staircases that understand the math of how to make every step the same distance, even though they are on a consistent rotation. Your purpose is to be walked on, yet you’re so slippery— why? Do you want me to need two steps for each stair, or one? 

Maybe, I’m being too harsh. Maybe I’m trapped in my dated, eurocentric, standards of what it means to be a staircase. You don’t have to make sense to be a good staircase, you just have to be called “stairs.” You challenge the norm and that makes you special. So AF Stairs, be my date February 14th? I’d love to walk on you, if you’d let me. 

Lemme know, 

Confused & Horny 

Romantic Date Spots

The Filling Station:

Is there anything more romantic than fucking pandemonium? Well welcome to The Filling Station, cupid. In this constantly full three-star hellhole, you can look over your belgian waffle and watch the person you love eat a shitty wrap next to an ineffective heat lamp. Congrats.

FISH Interfaith Center:

FISH is an acronym. It stands for Fuck It. Sloppy & Horny.

Improv Inc Show:

After you suggest dildo, everyone’s gonna laugh at your epic joke, and your hot sexy date will totally want to smooch. 

Brot:

Where is it? I don’t know. What do they have? Like toast or something(?) But if you’re asking out a sorority girl for Valentine’s day, there’s a 87% chance she became obsessed with Brot some time in the last two months, at least its not Philz.

Black Announcement

Caucasians, 

The Kumquat’s resident 1.6% back again. Firstly, don’t worry Whites, we’ve still got the topical Valentine’s content you were probably expecting and as long as you support VOC (Voices of Color) you can head to the back page and check it out after I say my piece, it’s EXTRA horny this month. A little bit about myself, you may know me from such articles as...literally any of the black ones. What you may not know is that I was RETIRED. I no longer had to play Michael Che to the Kumquat’s MANY Colin Josts and I found actual inner peace. I had no lists to write (“Top 10 Ways to Avoid Telling Your Dodge Friend They’re Just Not Talented”), no hot takes to drop— nothing. I spent a month and a half freeballing, watching Love Island, and wondering whether or not Doja Cat wants Nigerian babies. 

Interterm ended, Black History Month rolled in and things should’ve only been looking up from there. The whites of Chapman should have been doing nothing but groveling, mailing me bricks of Shea Butter, and giving me free reign of the aux at kickbacks — but no. This was not the case. In fact, a few days in, some no top lip having ass, daddy’s money, Young-Sheldon-bodied, Hitler Youth had to run his mouth and insult the beautiful blacks, the lovely gays, as well as the beautiful and lovely black gays of Chapman University. So I’m back.

I’m back because someone has to make white people feel guilty, and frankly, I’m the best at it. History books tried. When you didn’t want to finish your saltless, stewed carrots, your parents tried (“Kids in Africa would love to have this food!”)  God (or whoever) theirself tried but one of you cheeky buggers had to go and invent sunscreen. Well, God’s not here anymore, I am. I don’t care if you have $2.35 or 50 million dollars. I’m back to make you feel guilty talking about your crisis bangs when you could be talking about the crisis in Flint. I am here to steer the conversation from Baby Nut to any of George Washington Carver’s 105 ways to prepare the peanut and the importance of crop rotation. I’m here to look any blonde person in the eyes and say, “Have we met before?” when I know we have.

I know what you’re up to White Chapman and I will be here to foil you at every turn. Administration, I know Ben Shapiro is still sending “U up?” texts, and I know they still get you a little wet. Frat boys, you’ve been singing the N-Word since I got here, I will make a citizen’s arrest one of these days. White women...rude of you to even think about Pete Davidson while Yahya Abdul-Mateen is still alive. Actually— rude of you to even think about Pete Davidson. Anyone I didn’t get to, just know racism is a system, and if you’re benefiting from the system you should probably venmo every black person you know just to be safe.