Struppa discovers lesbians, now taking action

This June, in order to accommodate President Dr. Daniele Struppa’s new favorite sexuality, Chapman has announced a new Study-A-Broad program to begin for the Fall 2023 semester. Dr. Struppa spoke about the development of this new program. “I was feeling a little extra prideful upon discovering the existence of lesbians after watching Portrait of a Lady on Fire for the very first time,” he said.  “After spending a couple minutes aimlessly walking through the empty summer campus, I couldn’t seem to find a single lesbian, and that just broke my little panther heart.” Chapman is now collaborating with famous gay university, UC Santa Cruz for the program. Each UCSC lesbian attending Chapman will receive free room and board at the exquisite Panther Village, as well as a hefty allowance of 350 panther bucks. However, if the UCSC lesbian is without a Chapman girlfriend by the end of the semester program, they will be banished to Dinosaur Labs™, where they will be forced to scrape away at the dust on the bottom of Dr. Struppa’s custom leather shoes for eternity.

Summer Internships are Homophobic

Woopdee - fucking - do. We get it. You accomplished the unthinkable. You get to spend your summer giving your free labor to the Cannes Film Festival (HOW?). You think you’re so high and mighty with you’re silly little LinkedIn “I’m so excited to announce…” post. I bet you got off on buying summer-appropriate business casual. For my sanity, I have to believe there is no way Meathead Ned, who spent the entirety of our statistics class consistently getting the Wordle in 6, got an internship at Meta. Firstly, I want to know who still plays Wordle these days. Secondly, I’m dying to find out what he put on the demographic questions in the application. I never know the angle I’m supposed to go with. Am I supposed to make myself look like the diversity hire or is that the issue? Seriously, how do I get employed this summer? See, this really is homophobic!!! I will not hide my diverse self. I am white and bisexual and I am proud.

Chapman on Merging Queer Studies and Women’s Studies: “Wait, the L in LGBTQ Doesn’t Stand for Ladies?”

In very real news, Chapman has plans to disintegrate the Queer Studies minor and merge the remaining classes with the Women’s Studies minor. The Kumquat sent investigative reporter/recently-promoted-editor Kummy on the job. When he asked Struppa about it, he stared at Kummy blankly. “Well, Ladies, Girls, Beauties… The Females, and Queens, those are all types of women, so Women’s Studies is basically the same exact thing.” After he explained to Struppa what gay people are, he had to sit down. He had a lot of questions. Kummy answered them. Struppa fainted. When he woke up, he declared he would not be changing his mind. “Maybe it would be a good idea to just make a ‘minority’ minor and keep it all together.” Kummy punched Struppa in the face, and he went unconscious again. Then he left.

That Could’ve Been Bad: Chapman’s Anti-Transgender Club is Apolitical

We can all breathe a sigh of relief! In a recent statement, an executive of Wokenouns, Chapman University’s fiercely controversial anti-transgender club, has clarified that the group is, in fact, apolitical.

“We’re really just a group of friends who like to hang out,” says club founder Sarah Bakerman, ‘24. “It’s actually a wokeist myth that it’s political to be against transgenderism.” When asked if it’s appropriate to run such a club when young trans people are being targeted by discriminatory legislation, Sarah responded, “Um, uh, yeah, we’re kind of just like a group of friends who like to hang out.” You heard it here first: this club is nothing to worry about!

Bakerman is just one year away from graduating with a B.S. in Political Science and she plans to use her leadership experience in Wokenouns to aid her in a future career in local Orange politics and real estate. Godspeed, Sarah!

BREAKING: FRUIT NEWSPAPER NOT THAT FRUITY?? Cartoonist Speaks Out.

Hey girls. It’s me, Doodle Monkey. This god forsaken June your cartoonist is swapping out sword for pen because there are NO GAY BITCHES ON THE KUMQUAT. Ok sure, the editors. And the web editor... and the graphic designers and fellow staff writers… but I’m talking about hot single bitches, none of these oat-chai sipping uglies.

The editors approached me, practically screaming and kicking, begging me to write. Like, can I help you? It’s pride month, the question is can you help me! 

I guess it really it us pretty girls who do all the heavy lifting. 

I finally did it because they told me I could take this paper bag off my head. I asked to be promoted to my own desk instead of sharing with our gay web designer but they insisted, saying that the “budget just isn’t there” and that we “look really cute together,” whatever that means. Is this the plight of the working man?

If you really wanted to “amplify queer voices,” you’d print the damn cartoon.

Chapman Youth Groups Undergo Massive Rebrand

Chapman is seeing an increase of slayful Christians strutting their stuff in the streets of the piazza. They have been seen around campus listening to Charli XCX, smoking a lot of cigarettes, and wearing ironic baby tees. "We are watching ‘particular’ people from ‘particular’ communities and just copying everything about their life, removing the sin and just adding the best part; basically we're giving God," Junior Beth Anderson said. 

Kumquat reporters dig deeper into this need to be yassified children of God. "All I want is people to look at me and think SLAYYY… She is giving Virgin Mary. Is that too much to ask for," Sophomore Carter Samual said.

The Chapman community gives their opinions on this new spin of disguised Christianity. "I don't know who's cool or homophobic anymore," Freshman Sam Johnson said, “I’m so uncomfortable with them not being millennial core and having bad eyebrows.”

The Christian community has set clear boundaries on who can join them and who can't. "I want to be clear I don't support the Lil Nas X lovers that we borrowed these personalities from, it's not my fault they haven't met Jesus yet, but the second they do, we will be besties and slay the house down with a side of boots Houston I’m deceased! Sadly, they're all going to burn in hell.”

Breaking Cis-Het White Women: Colonized Slaying

When self-proclaimed ally senior Kayleigh Jones walked into the high school cafeteria sized gay club that is 'Strut' in Costa Mesa, she instantly felt at home. "No like my gay friends knewwww that I hated going to The D," she told The Kumquat, "the night that I had at the gay club was such a big slay."

And there it is. You hear it everyday. You see it in the latest Newport Beach Instagram photo comments. And you can't fucking escape it – slay. 

However, Jones' "slay" of a night isn't the first instance of this annoying behavior. She uses the term at the end of every sentence, hoping someone, specifically a queer person, notices that she's in tune with the 'newest', 'trendy' lexicon. Her gay friend, senior Marcus Wade, who requested to remain anonymous, recounts her behavior: "It's actually kind of really draining how often she says it around me. It feels like she sees me as this punching bag of a toy so that she can flaunt the fact that she has a gay friend.I’m terrifed of the day she learns what, “bussy” means. But I like going to date parties so I'm keeping them around, I guess."

In her interview with The Kumquat, Kayleigh Jones told our twink Kumquat writer that she thinks she popularized the term at Chapman: "No it's so crazy like everyyyone is saying it now! But it's kind of fun! It's just for the girlies that get it! :)” (we have no idea how she said :) out loud). When asked if she understood that her abuse of the word feels like she's stealing from Black, queer ballroom culture she apologized and offered a solution, "I didn't know that, but I'm listening and learning. I can start saying 'Yass king' instead?"

An Ally’s Experience at Pride

This pride month, in an incredible act of bravery, one straight Chapman student, Kyle Denvers, decided to take to Instagram to come out in support of the LGBTQ+ community. “I felt that it was important for me to use my voice this month to let people know that I, Kyle Denvers, am straight, but an ally to those people.” 

Back at Chaptown, Denvers’ GAY friend, Cristian Smith, suggested going to LA pride as a way to further show his support for the community. And this was perfect. Kyle knew that this would be the best opportunity to combine his passionate allyship with his love to get bitches. However, to his disbelief, Denvers was extremely stunned by the lack of dayger guidelines being followed. “First of all . the ratio was offff………why are there so many guys?” he questioned in confusion, “not only that but they’re wearing less clothes than the girls???? ”

But the pride dayger wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows for Denver. He felt hurt by the fact that men who were attracted to other men weren’t hitting on him more: “They should be more grateful of the fact that I’m here and not calling the police.” However, Kyle Denvers didn’t understand that the point of pride was to celebrate and honor the years of work and sacrifices that marginalized community members have dedicated for queer visibility today. It started off as a riot, dumbass.

When approached for a Tik Tok regarding his thoughts on the implications of the overturn of Roe v. Wade would have on the LGBTQ+ community, he was excited to give his thoughts as an educated ally: "I really don't know what that has to do with them. Do you mean like, they would be happy cause there's more babies for them to adopt?"

Why I’ll allow myself to be penetrated by a Dodge King

It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m horny as FUCK. I know that Valentine’s Day is just a heteronormative holiday that reinforces monogamy in a capitalist society...but baby I Don’t Give A Fuck. I need a goddamn cock in my mouth.

After watching that Little Women shit, I’ve been horny as hell for Timothy Chalamay. (Chalameigh? Camelllet?), He’s inspired me to seek out guys in Dodge — specifically the kind that comment, “Actually it’s called a film” when I use the word “movie” in my Letterboxd review.

I never thought I would stoop this low, but I’ve already hooked up with all 3 guys in Wilkinson and now I need a Kyle from Lady Bird-Type to mansplain why social media is “seriously harming my mental health” even though we met on Grindr. I want a nicotine-addicted, Beautiful Boy type, whose face is shaped like a bicycle seat for me to sit on. And I wanna be fucked like a tight little peach sitting somewhere in Northern Italy, 1983.

Wait, I guess… I just want to fuck Timothée Chalamet(?) Timothée if you’re reading this, hit me up. Until then, I’ll settle for any boy with brown hair in Marion Knott Studios.

Why is it so cold? And other questions the white writers have been thinking

Why is it so cold? Where does the wind come from? How do scarves work? Since it is so cold, where did the hot go? Does Chapman care about their students? Am I still hot? Who gets to decide if I’m hot or not? Why are sunGLASSES made out of PLASTIC? Which is more “woke”, Lyft or Uber? So, is it more of an “I have to decide I’m hot thing?” Is it cultural appropriation if I get the coronavirus? If I’ve never had love, does that make love a lie or does that make me a virgin? Is it cultural appropriation if I don’t get the coronavirus? Does it matter if I’m hot if I’m still sad all the time? What do “walk in hours” mean? If one foot hurts and then I want to rest that foot, but then I overwork the other foot, now I have two hurt feet? How do I switch from being cute to being hot? Can my new hotness make it less cold? Why is it so cold? Why is it SO fucking cold?

An Open Letter to the AF Stairs

Dear AF Stairs, 

First off, your existence is chaos. How are all of your steps both too narrow and too wide? I genuinely don’t know the length of stride I should take. Also, don’t give me that “being a spiral staircase is hard” bullshit, because I just spent some time in Europe and they have many spiral staircases that understand the math of how to make every step the same distance, even though they are on a consistent rotation. Your purpose is to be walked on, yet you’re so slippery— why? Do you want me to need two steps for each stair, or one? 

Maybe, I’m being too harsh. Maybe I’m trapped in my dated, eurocentric, standards of what it means to be a staircase. You don’t have to make sense to be a good staircase, you just have to be called “stairs.” You challenge the norm and that makes you special. So AF Stairs, be my date February 14th? I’d love to walk on you, if you’d let me. 

Lemme know, 

Confused & Horny 

Romantic Date Spots

The Filling Station:

Is there anything more romantic than fucking pandemonium? Well welcome to The Filling Station, cupid. In this constantly full three-star hellhole, you can look over your belgian waffle and watch the person you love eat a shitty wrap next to an ineffective heat lamp. Congrats.

FISH Interfaith Center:

FISH is an acronym. It stands for Fuck It. Sloppy & Horny.

Improv Inc Show:

After you suggest dildo, everyone’s gonna laugh at your epic joke, and your hot sexy date will totally want to smooch. 

Brot:

Where is it? I don’t know. What do they have? Like toast or something(?) But if you’re asking out a sorority girl for Valentine’s day, there’s a 87% chance she became obsessed with Brot some time in the last two months, at least its not Philz.

Black Announcement

Caucasians, 

The Kumquat’s resident 1.6% back again. Firstly, don’t worry Whites, we’ve still got the topical Valentine’s content you were probably expecting and as long as you support VOC (Voices of Color) you can head to the back page and check it out after I say my piece, it’s EXTRA horny this month. A little bit about myself, you may know me from such articles as...literally any of the black ones. What you may not know is that I was RETIRED. I no longer had to play Michael Che to the Kumquat’s MANY Colin Josts and I found actual inner peace. I had no lists to write (“Top 10 Ways to Avoid Telling Your Dodge Friend They’re Just Not Talented”), no hot takes to drop— nothing. I spent a month and a half freeballing, watching Love Island, and wondering whether or not Doja Cat wants Nigerian babies. 

Interterm ended, Black History Month rolled in and things should’ve only been looking up from there. The whites of Chapman should have been doing nothing but groveling, mailing me bricks of Shea Butter, and giving me free reign of the aux at kickbacks — but no. This was not the case. In fact, a few days in, some no top lip having ass, daddy’s money, Young-Sheldon-bodied, Hitler Youth had to run his mouth and insult the beautiful blacks, the lovely gays, as well as the beautiful and lovely black gays of Chapman University. So I’m back.

I’m back because someone has to make white people feel guilty, and frankly, I’m the best at it. History books tried. When you didn’t want to finish your saltless, stewed carrots, your parents tried (“Kids in Africa would love to have this food!”)  God (or whoever) theirself tried but one of you cheeky buggers had to go and invent sunscreen. Well, God’s not here anymore, I am. I don’t care if you have $2.35 or 50 million dollars. I’m back to make you feel guilty talking about your crisis bangs when you could be talking about the crisis in Flint. I am here to steer the conversation from Baby Nut to any of George Washington Carver’s 105 ways to prepare the peanut and the importance of crop rotation. I’m here to look any blonde person in the eyes and say, “Have we met before?” when I know we have.

I know what you’re up to White Chapman and I will be here to foil you at every turn. Administration, I know Ben Shapiro is still sending “U up?” texts, and I know they still get you a little wet. Frat boys, you’ve been singing the N-Word since I got here, I will make a citizen’s arrest one of these days. White women...rude of you to even think about Pete Davidson while Yahya Abdul-Mateen is still alive. Actually— rude of you to even think about Pete Davidson. Anyone I didn’t get to, just know racism is a system, and if you’re benefiting from the system you should probably venmo every black person you know just to be safe.