Fun things to do on February 14th

Burn Some Stuff! Instead of having a Valentine, just take everything that reminds you of love and burn it! Take that poem your ex wrote you and burn it! Take your Blu-Ray copy of the Notebook and burn it! Take your parents wedding album and, you guessed it...burn it!

Study for that Chem final. Get ahead of the game on the final. We both know you aren’t going to magically get that A you promised your parents. So, grab your textbook, crack it open and read that puppy. Think how good you’ll feel studying months in advance for a final instead of hanging out with your crush.

Confront the God of Love. By rubbing any two aphrodisiacs together (we recommend asparagus and pumpkin seeds), you will be transported to the Hall of Great Stimulation. Here, you must fight several love demons. Complete these tasks and you confront the God of Love. Solve his riddle and he will allow you to do one of two things. Either find the love of your life or transform into Canadian Screen Award winner, Jeff Goldblum. Choose wisely.

Invest in Aromatherapy. This one is a smart thing to do! Just be a good business major and invest in the deep and brilliant therapy of scents. Grow your bank account instead of your heart. Who needs a relationship when you have a ton of candles?

Throw darts at a picture of your ex’s face. This movie stereotype can be incredibly cathartic for you. Just screenshot their profile picture from 2007 and print it out, that’s not weird at all! Then throw some little darts, baby! Get ready to finally feel better.

Throw darts at your ex’s face. This will be even more cathartic.

New Year, Same Shitty Gal

Devastation. That’s how sophomore sweetheart Ashley Bates described waking up the third Saturday of 2019, a bit of dried vomit on her pillow, just feet away from the crystals she’d bought for selflove, and the essential oils meant for clarity, which were especially effective when taken with the Adderall she stole from her little brother over break.

All these instruments of self-care were in vain, however, when she discovered that, despite the promise of a new year, she was still the same shitty person she had always been. “Yeah, I pretty much suck,” Bates confessed. “I always have and I always will.”

Bates is pretty embarrassed, because she told everyone this was going to be her year. “Now I have to call everyone and tell them it’s not,” she said.

There is still some hope for this pathetic excuse of a human being. After reading a New Yorker article about psychedelics which she has decided to make her entire personality for the foreseeable future, she will be doing shrooms this coming Wednesday in a last-ditch attempt to become, just a little bit, less shitty.

Brave Bridget reports she’s “not even that cold”

After approximately 45 minutes of steady drippage, the rain has forced over 97% of SoCal natives into deep naps. However, this phenomenon known as “Colder Weather Than Usual” has given a rise of power to Panthers from the East.

Brave Bridget Lucas, SCC major from Maine, told The Kumquat, “Flash Flood? More like Flash Mob!” Then, immediately, over 50 students wearing tank tops, Speedos and Gucci flip flops began dancing to “That’s What I Like” by Bruno Mars in the Piazza. Stephen Johansen, Film Studies major, was seen spitting on locals and throwing “I <3 NY” T-shirts in their face.

Pubic Safety has advised locals to stay in their house, wearing a minimum of 6 layers. When asked when it will return, The Sun said, “When I feel like it, okay? I can’t be everywhere all the time.” Hold tight, Chapman U. Things won’t be wet forever. Well, unless you want it to be ;)

My TOTALLY EPIC Winter Break

Sandra, we get it you went to the Galapagos, but now let me tell you about my winter break. So first up I got to pick up my brother from school, twice. That’s right, Mom trusted me to drive the minivan. And you might be wondering, did I hook up with my high school ex? Jokes on you, I didn’t even have one.

Just when I thought my break couldn’t get anymore wild, Christmas Eve rolls around. Now usually while my parents are sippin’ on champagne, I, as a minor, have sparkling cider in accordance with the law. Well Mom and Dad threw the law out the window this year by letting me have a glass of champagne with dinner. I was totally still drunk on Christmas.

Also just in case you were wondering, my fish? Dead. My dreams? Almost there. And if you think this break was good, I’m going to North Dakota in the spring with my Dad and Suzanne (I’m not calling you mom!).

Interterm Experimental Courses

How to Drive in the Rain

Are you living in California? Did it just start raining? Then you should take this class. We will teach you how to slow down, use your signals and pair your Bluetooth all while staying on the road instead of rearending a weed-dealing yoga instructor named Steve.

Old Professors Saying the N-Word

Your professor is from a different time. You need to understand that. FTV 2319 puts you face to face with several professors that were liberal enough in the 70’s to get an N-Word pass from their black friends, and conservative enough now to think that that pass is still valid.

Empathy for Business Majors

Learn how to feel instead of being the heartless, soulcrushing, fuck boy you are. We know you have a gig lined up at your dad’s surfing company, but take a moment to learn how to tell your last fling you like their personality on top of their sweet ass.

Transitioning to Teaching for Dodge Majors

Dodge is a great choice for your career, and a smart way to spend your money. A film degree will get you lots of work in Los Angeles, right? Well, when you quickly realize your lapse in judgment come learn how to teach a 4th grader long division.

You Can’t DJ. No One Can

Chasing a career in DJ’ing isn’t impossible per se, it just shouldn’t be done. If you’re an aspiring DJ who needs to come to grips with the fact that you need to do something else with your time then this is the class for you. Cheer up! There’s always acting.

The Art of Making a Woman Cum (For Once)

Have you had sex with a woman? Has she had an orgasm? Probably not. She’s probably lying if she says she has. Please just please take this class and do everyone out there a favor.

That panther? It’s alive.

Everyone stops to stare at the big ass panther hanging off Beckman...you know, for Christmas? But, did you know, once day falls to night...that panther wakes the fuck up. He slides down, breaks into Starbucks, and writes “Brandon” on a cup (even though his name is “Brendan”). He says all he wants is to be like the humans he watches all day below him.

When asked about his job on the wall, he said, “I never asked for this. I want to be a writer”. He showed us some of his poems (see below) and they seemed heavily influenced by Rupi Kaur, Shel Silverstein and William Carlos Williams.

Brendan the Light Up Panther has one request this cold, cold winter season: next time you see him, shoot him some finger guns and toss him your Juul. He just wants to be one of you.

White student taking language credit swears he’s “Japanese at heart”

What started as a language credit has become an ikigai, or “life’s purpose,” for communications major Dennis Owens. Growing up Catholic in Toledo, Ohio, and attending a high school named after a Confederate war hero, Owens says he has always felt slightly out of place.

“I look back now and it’s so obvious,” Owens says. “Once, when I was six, I went to this sushi restaurant, and as I was leaving, I told the server ‘sayonara,’ which means good-bye in Japanese. I don’t think I’d even heard anyone say that word before, it just kind of came to me.”

Sources say Owens has been asking people to call him “Dennis-San” and has purchased a replica samurai sword on ebay in preparation for his semester abroad in Kyoto. “He’s going abroad to Japan?” asked Japanese 201 classmate Alan Kawamoto. “That’s hilarious. Japan is like, super xenophobic. They’re going to fucking hate him.”

Precious Fucking Lindsey needs to go to Target

Precious fucking Lindsey needs to go to Target. Like, really badly. This fucking princess doesn’t have a car, and she really needs to pick some stuff up. This spoiled angel already went twice this week, but forgot to buy soap. Daddy’s little girl says it’ll take an hour max, and she only needs a few things, but you know this needy piece of shit will get distracted by funny birthday cards and the infamous dollar section. She’d be so grateful if you could take her, but not enough to Venmo you for gas.

Girl “Really wants to hang out” just “Busy with finals”

“Oh id luv to Carl, but im swamped with finals (water gun emoji, water gun emoji). Maybe another time??” A text like this seems pretty normal this time of year, but for freshman Carl Thomas, it’s routine.

“I’ve been trying to go to Blaze with this girl Bridget since O-Week, and every week, she’s been too busy studying for finals,” a confused and distraught Carl told The Kumquat. “Like how much studying can one person do?!” A great question, Carl, and this reporter thinks that Carl deserves some answers.

Frankly, I think we all deserve some answers. Especially, me. I’ve been subject to the same fucking mind games as you, Carl. So, my question for you, Jessica… I mean… Bridget (if that even is your real name), is who the fuck do you think you are?! But also, if you are 100%, honestly, studying for finals— then I TOTALLY understand. Lmk if you wanna get Contra. For The Kumquat, I’m Little Bitch Boy. Happy Holidays.

Holiday celebration funded by your tuition

The annual Christmas celebration cost $2 million this year. If you ever wondered what anonymous donor is paying for a bunch of fake snow, it’s you.

Not to mention, your money is going towards paying for the Grinch, the notorious thief of Christmas, who got no jail time because a girl made him “understand now what he did was wrong.” When asked why they would give this kind of person a platform, Dean Jerry Price said: “There’s no evidence he stole those toys.” In response, The Kumquat cited an entire franchise of proof. Jerry Price commented “¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .”

That wasn’t the only holiday celebration on campus, Moulton Hall was decorated with a single menorah and a sign that said “Dreidel Szn.”

Orange resident “Can’t wait” for Undie Run

Tom Smith is a little too excited for Undie Run. “I’ve been waiting all year for this,” Smith said in an interview with The Kumquat, throbbing with anticipation. “Don’t worry, it’s not a sex thing, I just love watching barely legal teens, barely conscious and barely clothed.” In Smith’s defense, he was barely hard when discussing the topic. We contacted local police, but all officers were out responding to a noise complaint. So, we sat down with the Chief who said “Don’t worry, we’re supervising the event, we’ll have the best possible view.” He then snorted crushed Viagra and said “Gotta Blast.”

A report on Chapman’s most recent football game

At Chapman’s last football game of the season the Wells Fargo Bank Blimp malfunctioned, dumping a bajillion dollars down on the stadium. The DIII Chapman Panthers who were playing themselves because Notre Dame decided it wasn’t worth the airfare, have all decided to quit school and buy a 30 rack of Bud Light and a metric ton of cocaine.

Following the blimp malfunction, Angelina Jolie appeared in the stands, offering personal massages to all 6 fans. After giving a massage to fan Debora Chadsky, Jolie grew wings and flew off into the sunset. Mrs. Chadsky grabbed onto Angelina’s heel and went with her yelling, “That was the closest I’ve ever been to cumming!” Mr. Chadsky reportedly shrugged saying, “I mean, yea.”

Then, Gru from Despicable Me sprinted naked through the empty stands while a dress rehearsal for the Victoria Secret fashion show was held on the 40 yard line. All in all it was a pretty standard Chapman football game. This is all super true, how would you even know? We both know you weren’t there.

Frat guy wonders if you could keep it down a bit

BREAKING: Local frat guy Zeke Walker is wondering if you guys could keep it down.

Don’t get him wrong, he wants y’all to have a good time tonight, he just would love it if you could use your inside voices. In fact, if you guys could, he was wondering that if you don’t need to be outside, could you head inside? It would help keep the noise down.

It’s already been a rough night, he just had to not let in two freshman boys and then act like the most polite motherfucker of all time while they waited for their Uber. He doesn’t want you to also have to wait for your Uber, but if you are, could you wait for it at the end of the block?

Thanks man, really appreciate it. If you guys can’t keep it down, he might have to have a weird awkward intense whisper conversation with another one of the guys from the frat and none of us want that.

Student celebrates 92nd birthday waiting for Dodge computer to log on

Chapman student, now alumnus, Brandon Carson enjoyed a small gathering of close friends to celebrate his birthday in MKS 208, while still waiting for his computer to sign on to his student account. After blowing out his candles, and his dentures, Carson revealed his only wish was for his computer to load off of the adjusting settings slide so he could finally print his History of Film essay titled “Why Casablanca is Good.”

In a miraculous turn of events, the birthday gods granted his wish and finally logged on after nearly 71 years of waiting. Unfortunately, once he actually tried to print, Brandon realized that his computer wasn’t connected to any of the printers. After all this, Brandon decided to give up and just work on his Editing I project, since he was already logged in. “I just hope Avid will load before my 93rd Birthday.”

A day in the life of Daniele C. Struppa

Freshman Tyler Wilson recently began working as Struppa’s personal assistant. Wilson told The Kumquat what a typical day of working for Struppa entails.

“First, I warm him some grapefruit juice over the stove, in an old tin pot, while reciting the Chapman motto: ‘Christ and Church.’”

Next, Wilson reads quotes from several Bruce Willis movies. “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!’ is probably Struppa’s favorite.” After printing 1,000 photos of the cast of “Cheers,” the first portion of Wilson’s shift is done. Wilson then prints 2,000 pictures of the cast of “Frasier.” He’s instructed to cut them into teeny tiny pieces and burn them. “President Struppa says that ‘Frasier’ is a cheap rip off of ‘Cheers.’

The day ends when Wilson wheels in an ice sculpture of Loyola Marymount University president Timothy Snyder. “He just sits and watch it melt.” says Wilson “And when my shift starts again, 15 hours later, he’s still sitting there, staring at the puddle.”

Wilson expressed his liking for the job, however strange it may seem. “Sure, he talks about ‘Fraiser’ a lot, but at the end of the day I like to think what I do helps him run this university so smoothly.”

Roommates tired of RA-mediated conflicts, would rather fight to the death

When it comes to creative conflict resolution, student Michael Baumgartner may just have everyone else— including his roommate— beat.

“We’re planning to fight to the death,” says Baumgartner, of his roommate, business major Jack Hempsey. “It started with him using my shampoo and playing Christmas music loudly at 8am, but last week he took my leftover Pizza Press, so now it’s on. Also, he fucked my girlfriend.”

The fight, scheduled for “whenever midterms are finally over,” consists of three rounds: a Thunderdome-style joust, a game of street rules Monopoly, and a bare-knuckles brawl that only ends when someone literally dies. Upon being asked if he found the first two rounds redundant, considering the third round ends with someone being beaten to death, Baumgartner pretended not to hear the question.

The students’ resident advisor, Daniel J. Catalan, who wishes to remain anonymous, says he is well aware of the fight. “Their roommate agreement listed ‘Murder’ as a viable method of conflict resolution, so there isn’t much I can do about it. Now, if Michael or Jack needed a lockout code, that’d be a little more in my wheelhouse…”

Freshman realizes her seasonal depression is just regular depression

First year student Jane Waters was so excited to move to California and enjoy year round warm weather after growing up in the Northeast. However, as Waters enters her second month living in Orange, she is still feeling dead inside all the time. Jane thought she would be trading antidepressants for spray sunscreen, but instead she pretty much stays in bed wrapped in blankets listening to Frank Ocean.

“I thought it was just a seasonal thing,” Waters said. “Summer in Vermont is usually pretty nice so I figured my problems had to do with the weather, but after living in Southern California for a little while I’m beginning to wonder if this crushing hopelessness thing isn’t a cold climate exclusive.”

Business student kisses statue of Reagan every day for good luck

Keith Ledger, sophomore Business student, recently revealed to The Kumquat reporters his secret good luck charm.

Every day while penny boarding to Beckman, Keith hops off the sweet board for a sec to plant a kiss on the juicy metallic lips of the bust of America’s 40th President. Keith claims that Reagan’s lips give him enough confidence to play “devil’s advocate” in discussions about race and feminism.

While Reagan caused irreparable damage to the gay community during the AIDS epidemic, Ledger claims that he also “taught me to be a proud American, so it’s chill”.

When asked about why he kisses the statue instead of rubbing its nose, a common lucky statue trope, he just repeated “No Homo!” 36 times as he faded into a nearby bush.

Tiffany can’t find her white Jeep Wrangler

BREAKING: Tiffany Grey, junior, has recently lost her car in the Lastinger Parking Structure. When asked for specifics, she said the Jeep “is super cute, has a California license plate, and has a ‘keep calm and just beach it’ sticker on the back bumper”.

Yesterday, she thought she had found it. “I was walking through the parking lot when I saw it! It had Alpha Phi written really big on the back and I knew it was mine. I walked up to the driver’s side and saw my reflection in the window, but then the door swung open and it turns out it was just my BFF Britney.”

If any of our readers find the Jeep, please tell Tiffany. The car was last seen in a boomerang on Tiff’s Instagram story and answers to the name “Car.”

Environmental Science major expelled for using plastic straw

Early Monday morning, Senior environmental science major Alexander Gore was escorted off of Chapman’s campus by Public Safety. His expulsion surrounds controversial actions in the Starbucks at Beckman.

“I was late to class and picked it all up in hurry,” Gore swears. “The barista stuck the straw in without my permission. I just didn’t notice.” Gore ran through the Beckman lobby claiming he had to “sprint to class,” but was stopped by Public Safety before he made it to the stairs. The officer swatted the beverage to the ground, which later was acknowledged as an unnecessary waste.

“I can’t believe he would do that,” witness Michelle Feffer said, shaking her head while holding the keys to her SUV. “I mean, what about the sea turtles?” she continued on, taking a drag from a cigarette and a massive bite from a burger. “Doesn’t he care about the environment?”

P-Safe filled out a 45-page report on the incident, which later was put in a filing cabinet forever, never to be used or read again. Security footage later revealed Gore to insert the straw himself. He was stripped of his “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” backpack pin and escorted off campus soon after.