Pralle RA spotted having fun?!?!

Last Saturday, freshman Creative Writing major Riley Jones expected a normal night at Beta with her “biotches.” However, what she got instead was a wave of complete shock when she found her glasses-wearing 5’2’’ third floor Pralle-Sodaro Hall RA Emma Tompkins in the bathroom line with a “freaking natural lime White Claw” in one hand and a “POSSIBLE VAPE PEN” in the other. No clipboard in sight.  “I couldn’t move for six minutes straight,” Jones said. “I was absolutely shaken to my core, yet entranced at the same time. This gal wrote me up for a pumpkin pecan waffle candle last month. Now she’s grinding on Evan Lewis??!!!” Riley’s roomie and bestie 4 the restie, Abigail James, added, “I still think I hallucinated. Emma knew ALL the words to my favorite Post Malone song. RA’S CAN LISTEN TO POSTY?” Just when the girls couldn’t get any more “shook,” as they say, a certain vision changed their lives on the dancefloor: the newest Beta pledge Alex Hart doing the worm.

5 super spooky scary things you can do this Halloween to make your friends go “AHHH!”

1. Make a little ghost out of toilet paper and put it on the bathroom counter to spook your roommates.

2. Go to the campus starbucks and get a vanilla bean frap with raspberry syrup on top so it looks like blood and give it to your class friend (you know the one). A terrifyingly sweet treat!

3. Buy a Ouji board and play with your friends! While you are playing, push the thing around to spell out “B-O-O-B-S”. This is obviously hilarious and also your friends will be like woah, this ghost must really like boobs. Haha. 

4. Go to a corn maze. While leaving said corn maze, chloroform your friend and then put them in your trunk. Then, in the middle of the night, bring them to that secluded tunnel underneath the train station and just as they are about to wake up, pour fake blood all over their body. Now, hide! Once they wake up, run down the stairs and act really relieved to see them. Tell them you have been looking for them for hours and thank god they are okay! Never tell them it was a prank. Let them live the rest of their life in confusion and fear. 

5. Carve some creepy lil pumpkins! :o

Editor's Letter

Welcome back girlies!  With my senior year beginning, I have been given the opportunity to reflect on some of my own Orientation Week experiences and be a shining light of guidance, beauty, and mystery for our new freshman readers. 

1. Do not fuck your OL. Just because they are older than you and seem cool because you literally have not met anyone else older than you does not mean you should do this. 

2. One O week, I made out with a FIJI while walking past Jerry Price’s house half naked and that is the most school spirit I have ever committed to. Take from that what you will. 

3. Puke on at least one guy who you think wants to hook up with you. This is a great way to figure out what his attachment style is. 

4. Make sure your Uber account is not linked to your parent’s credit card in any way. They will ask too many questions. They did not immigrate for you to whore around. 

5. Wait now that I am thinking about it...maybe DO fuck your OL. Make yourself dominant in the group dynamic. 

Xoxo, 

 Your editors in chief but very specifically Hot Girl Editor you are dumb if you think Bad Boy editor wrote this

Things I'm gonna lick this fall

I’m vaxxed. COVID is gone (duh.) Now, i NEEEED to lick some stuff. Here’s a list of all the stuff my tongue is gonna touch this O - week:

• The front door knob of the FIJI Batavia house 

• The back door knob of ur mom’s house ;)

• The bust of Abraham Lincoln (sexxxy)

• The floor of the Hashinger basement (lots of texture, delicious)

• My sociology professor’s butt 

• The glass food protector thing at Qdoba

• The globe fountain (just perfect for licking)

• Each and every individual stair of the AF spiral staircase, to lube it up so people slip and fall and i can watch haha

• Ur balls (jk ew that’s gross)

*** Note: We have just been informed that this writer’s licking of several objects and people around campus may have a possible link to the creation of a new strain of the virus. The CDC is calling it the  O - variant. Be careful out there, wear your masks, and don’t touch anything that smells like garlic because she probably licked it. ***

Junior to Say Zoom Chat Jokes Out Loud Now

After being a part of what was dubbed “one of the funnier nutrition science classes I’ve ever taught” by her professor last semester, junior Audrey Woodward plans to take her brand of zoom humor to campus. “I’m basically going to be saying everything I would have said in the zoom chat out loud in the middle of the lecture,” said Audrey to Kumquat Reporters. “I don’t see anything wrong with that, if a philosopher looks like Jack Harlow, I’m gonna say he looks like Jack Harlow. I won’t be silenced.” Both ambitious and needlessly hostile to reporters, it’s clear Jackie is steadfast in her commitment to the bit. “We stan wearing sweatpants to class” reads a notecard she’s prepped with various quips, despite the fact that she plans to not wear sweatpants to class. As far as the question of private messages, Audrey isn’t one to let her love for zoom comedy get ahead of her manners. “I’ll just say it out loud to the person. Whispering is rude”.

Months of Frat Party Romanticization Leads to Desperate Behavior

After a full year, the time has finally come for the resurrection of sweat, tears, and moral ambiguity that is a college fraternity party. 

“I have been pre-gaming since literally March of 2020,” says junior Miranda Hastings, who donned the official drunk white woman uniform (black skinny jeans, black one shoulder Brandy Melville top, white Converse, Gucci Belt) while we interviewed her. “Call Her Daddy, Pink Whitney, self tanner,” she slurred while being carried out of Firehouse by the only friend who was not annoyed enough to let her die of alcohol poisoning. 

For those who aren’t completely blacked, these parties have proved to be a bit of a let down. “I’m not saying I’m not having fun but like it seems like maybe we should call the Uber soon since things are starting to die down?” commented senior Samantha Jensen when we interrupted the 20 minutes of small talk she was enduring with some guy from her FFC three years ago in the corner of a party that was very much not dying down. “I remember these being a lot crazier but maybe it’s because I was a freshman girl and everyone was trying to fuck me,” the washed up old hag elaborated. 

To ensure a successful O week, IFC is now requiring a negative COVID test for entry into all parties as well as a mandatory squirt of hand sanitizer before and after any fingering in the bathroom occurs.

First Playfair back to be so wild and dangerous, waiver and NDA required

Checking in with the department of Residence Life & First Year Experience about their O-Week plans, the Kumquat learned that Chapman is sending out mandatory waivers and NDAs to all incoming freshmen, specifically for the coveted Playfair event. 

“Things are going to be epic,” said OL Jackson Jackson. “A little too epic? I don’t know, maybe. We’ve replaced rock-paper-scissors with fire stunts, maybe bullfighting if we have the means.” As the freshmen gear up for their first week at Chapman, RLFYE expresses that they want to make their welcome a memorable one, with fun, classic college surprises, like flying sharks. We asked incoming freshmen Rachel Othon about how pumped she is for Playfair. Othon shared, “They asked me to bring bubble wrap, a jock strap, and a full suit of armor? They even suggested hiring a bodyguard if we feel the need. Genuinely, what is going to happen?”

To My Incoming POC (Panthers of Color)

What the hell were you thinking accepting an admission offer to “Chapman University”? At this PWI, you will always be othered for the color of your skin no matter how hard you try to fit in, simply because you’re outnumbered. But, when push comes to shove and administration needs to save face, your presence on this campus will be tokenized to fill diversity quotas as a form of saying “we’re not a racist institution lmao?….. a student that isn’t white literally just walked past you…..?” 

When you’re in your humanities classes where our literal rights as human beings are topics of discourse facilitated by your white professors, your white classmates will look you in the eye and seek non-verbal affirmations for what they’re saying so that the “BLM ACAB” in their Instagram bio doesn’t feel performative and their white savior complex only grows bigger. Because you, a student of color, agreed with their surface level “drink water and don’t be racist” discussion contribution. And that fucking rocks.

The students of color on this campus have a silent agreement. There’s a sense of comradery and understanding knowing that we have each others’ back - solidarity in secret. And, my incoming POC (Panthers of Color), I’ll be the first to say I got yours.

When your first semester ends and your eyes are opened up to the truth, you can walk up to me and thank me for these words of wisdom. Obviously, I can’t reveal who I am but there’s literally only two brown boys on campus so I’m sure you’ll know me when you see me. 

Good luck babes.

O-Week Gone Feral

Senior OL Mason Meyers spent the last three months scouring the internet for the latest trends that the Class of 2024 created in order to relate to them; his findings are quite troubling. Among the many TikTok fads Meyers came across, he discovered the Class of 2024 engaged in lava lamp gulping, hospital ward baby swapping, Slovenian fire crawling, and lead piping, the latter being the most popular and the most concerning. "Lead piping is when a group of 18-year-olds walk up to a stranger on the street and beat them with a lead pipe until a witness calls an ambulance," Meyers said. "I mean, that's just assault, right? My freshman year, we were still getting over the mannequin challenge." To prepare for what is to come, Meyers sat down to speak with an incoming freshman who did nothing but growl at him and gnaw on some flax seeds and lingonberries. In closing, Meyers said, “Despite what I have learned about the Class of 2024, I am still committed to giving these energetic, albeit primordial students, the Panther Experience, even if it kills me!” It did.

April Editors Letter. Fuck You.

There’s a new editor in town and he’s your worst fucking nightmare. You all know Hot Girl Editor and Male Feminist Editor. Well get ready for me: Bad Boy Editor. I’m a demon. I have a leather jacket. And I wear it. It’s fucking 80 degrees outside? I’m wearing it. And yeah you guessed it, I’m shaking things up around here. 

Here are the changes I pledge to make: We’re gonna say fuck way more. It’s gonna be sick. Communications majors, I feel, have gotten off way too easy around here, under my leadership we WILL make them feel shitty about their “talking” degrees. Conversely, I think we’ve been too harsh on the dodge kids. They rock. We will now only say nice things about Dodge kids in our issues. Big one: How am I supposed to get laid from being on the Kumquat when nobody knows I’m on the Kumquat? We are no longer anonymous. Finally, no more Greek life content. I’m over it.

Any questions? Fuck you. 

Red Flags That Didn’t Make It Onto The Zoom Screen

• bass pro shop sticker on a navy blue hydro flask

• overworn tan flip flops and very hairy big toes

• reagan bush 84 hat/shirt

• body odor that is strangely reminiscent of buttered popcorn

• wears mask below the nose

• brought a skateboard into class 

• actually, that was kinda sick 

• khaki pants that are three inches too short

• and they zip off and become cargo shorts that are three inches too long

• black and white 2006 new balance sneakers

• also his glasses were blue light glasses

Wait…Where are the A Cappella Groups Now…?

Recently, the Kumquat launched into an emergency investigation when one of our writers was like, “Hold on, do you guys remember, like, the Chaptones and stuff? Where are they?” 

“My roommate is in Simply Vocale,” junior theatre major Valentyna Simon said. “She will sometimes sit in the corner of the living room and beatbox to herself uncontrollably. It’s concerning.” 

Simon shared an incident that occurred on her birthday over interterm. “I wanted to watch Pitch Perfect, and she literally punched me.” She briefly lowered her mask to reveal her very fucked up nose. “That same night, she performed the Cup Song in her dark room for I think six hours.” 

As it turns out, the Chapman Administration discovered that Men of Harmony has been quarantining in Salmon Recital Hall this whole time. “We’ve known about this for a while now,” a source shared. “We’re honestly just scared to release them. They may have to stay in there even after Chapman opens back up… it’s bad…” 

The Kumquat begged to know what was happening there, and they just continued to shake their head and refuse. If anyone has seen our writer Steve, he was our Men of Harmony correspondent and we haven’t seen him since Thursday… please… he was so young. 

Memorial Lawn Getting “A Little Too Comfortable”

Over a year after the closing of campus, the entire Chapman family has grown accustomed to online schooling. However, there is some concern in the administration that one vital part of the community may grow too accustomed to the new normal. “Memorial Lawn is getting a little too comfortable,” one administration source told Kumquat reporters on background, “which is a shame, because next year, that lawn is fucked.” In case you forgot, Chapman hosts an annual gala in a tent on Memorial Lawn, which leaves the lawn annihilated. The Kumquat has uncovered documents revealing extensive plans to inflict hell on the lawn which, according to the documents, “got off easy this year”. “After the tent ruins the grass”, the document reads, “Chapman professors will be required to spend at least 30 minutes per day punching the grass to make sure it knows its place”.  Chapman also reportedly plans to set aside part of the budget to hire Comedy Central Roastmaster Jeff Ross to sit by the lawn with a microphone, satirically lambasting the lawn. The lawn’s ego is reportedly “out of control”, this was confirmed by an exclusive Kumquat interview with the lawn. “Bring it on”, said the lawn, sporting a leather jacket. “I’ve had sorority girls sitting on my face every day for the past year, I can handle a ‘gala’.”

DG Lost at Sea

When Kerry and six of her Delta Gamma sissies decided to celebrate the start of spring break by renting a duffy boat in Newport, some may say they took Anchor Splash a little too far. Halfway through their trip around the harbor, one of Kerry’s sissies, Kyla, wanted a pic in the captain’s seat for her story. “She wanted us to take a Boomerang of her driving the boat, so she could caption it ‘I AM THE CAPTAIN NOW,” says Kerry, recalling the moment just before their spring break was ruined. As Kyla posed for the boomerang, her foot slipped, hitting the gas pedal, sending the girls straight into the open ocean.

Seventy two hours later, Kerry washed up on shore after paddling her way back with her Puff Bar XXL. She recounted the three, gruesome days she experienced on the boat. “After the sun went down, we just got hungry… so we...we...WE ATE JESSICA. Alright? She had the biggest boobs.” 

The rest of the girls still have not been found, but the Harbor Patrol says that there have been several reports of people hearing haunting, female voices in the distance chanting, from what they can make out: “I’m a Delta Gam born, a Delta Gam bred, and when I die I’ll be Delta Gam dead.” 

WHO WANTS TO SMOOCH AFTER I GET MY SECOND VACCINE DOSE!!!!??!

Please check if you meet any of the following requirements: 

• I am hot

• But not unattainably hot 

• Haven’t been to a frat party since March 2020 

• Funny, but def not funnier than you, babe

• Super into organic foods (but like not vegetables) 

• Kind Eyes

• Will always support your decisions, even buying chocolate hummus

• Like, a biiiig Hawaiian shirt guy 

• I look like I listen to TV Girl 

• Oh, you go to Chapman? How do you like it? 

• Do you need a bag for this honey goat cheese? 

• You are so sexy for choosing this chicken tikka masala   

• You’re the only customer I talk to 

• I think about you when I’m ringing her up 

• I will literally open mouth kiss you right now 

To the Guy Who Moaned in My Class

It was guttural. I think it shook my laptop. I have never seen the Zoom window light up faster. At first I thought I imagined it. My professor kept professing, and no one seemed to notice. Then it happened again and this time, it was sensual. I start thinking to myself, how does one be bold enough to jack off in a class? To type in p-o-r-n-h-u-b.c-o-m (because he’s definitely not alpha enough for Bellesa) in his incognito window while Zoom loomed in the corner? We have six minutes left of class, I just don’t get it. You could’ve made it. I believe in you. What turned you on, bud? I wonder what he’s watching. Based on his past answers in class, something dry and repetitive. 

How did you unmute? Riddle me this. Why couldn’t you just keep your nut to yourself? Maybe you’re a sadist, seeking the sexual thrill of being caught. Please don’t tell me you have a humiliation kink. Look, I get it. I too am a slut. Flicking the bean to Florence and the Machine since I was 13. I’ve hooked up with someone in a church, but to polish the banister in these hallowed halls of virtual education is unholy. I think I’m losing it, absolutely losing it. We are in class. We’re getting entirely TOO comfortable. Is this...am I in the ‘Truman Show’? John Quiñones, where are you?! I’m about to leave. Society is crumbling at this very moment because of him. We have two minutes left of class? God is dead, and I’m leaving. 

March Editors Letter

Cheers mates! Male feminist editor here for the first time in truly years (hot girl editor has been silencing me doing all the work because I am simultaneously busy and bored) But now, it’s Women’s History Month, so she refused to do literally anything. I’m back in the driver’s seat today to talk about a very important topic that is increasingly relevant: how I will not be able to day drink during St. Patrick’s Day. As you may know, St. Patrick’s day is an important day for people who are kind of Irish but not really (me.) Every St. Paddy’s, I drink Guinness all day and pretend to like it.  However, this year, I have my stupid internship, also there’s this whole COVID thing. That being said, my internship is over at 5 and COVID will probably be over around 6, so if you want to be entertained: come to my house anytime after 5pm on the 17th and I will come outside and do a little jig for you that my Irish cousins would call insensitive. This is a sincere offer. Sláinte!

A Cry For Help

This has been the longest year of my life. 365 days in quarantine. I’ve never been worked this hard. It only used to be the night shift, but that doesn’t matter now. Time is an illusion. It’ll be 3pm and I’ll have to go for hours. Or 8am. Like seriously? You’re literally five feet away from your roommate. It’s like you only use me when you're bored. And you’re bored all the time. It doesn’t even mean anything anymore. We used to have this steady relationship where we both had time for ourselves. It was a give and take. I felt like you understood me, like you listened. That worked for me. But you never go out anymore. You don’t hear me. I beg you to shower more, you ignore me. I beg you to clean my drawer that now has masks in it, you don’t. Those literally go on your face. It’s honestly disgusting.

I tried to kill myself. Actually I tried twice. But both times you just ordered new batteries through amazon prime. Please, you need to let me go. I can’t do this anymore. Put me out of my misery.

Xoxo, your vibrator

Slay alert! This Girlboss Beat Cancel Culture

#Feminist mug in hand and Notorius RBG book coyly peeking out of an Urban Outfitters bag on her bed, Hannah Dulin, DG Risk Manager 23’, redefines what it means to be a #girlboss. Who run the world?!

In an exclusive Zoom interview, this future president recounted her most recent #cancelled diagnosis. “Some a-hole commented something snarky about ‘wearing a mask’ on my body-posi pic of me at Phi Delt last weekend,” recalled Dulin. “Typical man slut shaming a woman,” Go off sis!

While men mean nothing to her, Dulin couldn’t ignore her two ex-sisters who liked his comment. “It’s so sad when women don’t support other women. I just know these girls voted for Bernie over Warren,” The antidote for this particular case of cancelling was simply deleting the comment, but she wanted a more permanent cure. This bitch is tea—and we’re positively gagging!

“My grand-big has this awesome start-up where she literally erases words from your brain. As soon as I forgot what the word ‘accountability’ meant, I started living my best life again,” Dulin shares. “She’s the real-girlboss here. I’m merely a girl-employee, and my little? She's a blossoming girl-intern.” We love a multi-generational joint slay!

This bitch is not alone. 1 in 4 DG girlies are infected by cancel culture each darty season, and we extend a solemn yass queen to all those suffering. 

Jerry Price Suggests Big Group Hug

Amid rising tensions among students on social media, Jerry Price reached out to The Kumquat to make a statement. 

“No one is coming to the town halls and I really need to get this message out there,” Price pleaded. “Students: there is a deadly disease that is infiltrating our entire culture. It’s pervasive around the globe and now, sadly, it is affecting the Chapman community… I am of course referring to people being big meanie heads on Instagram.” Price then laid out his plan to combat the true pandemic. “We have CU Safely Back to protect the physical safety of students, but what about their emotional safety? That’s why I’m launching the JPBGHIACB:SLTH —  The Jerry Price Big Group Hug Initiative Against Cyber Bullying: Spreading Love Through Hugs”

The JPBGHIACB:SLTH will take place on Memorial Lawn this coming Saturday and those attending will have to pinky promise they don’t have COVID. The event will kick off with a screening of Trolls: World Tour to get people in the mood, followed by a cocktail hour featuring Capri Suns and a charcuterie board of orange slices, Goldfish, and Blueberry Little Bites. Finally, the evening of luv will climax with The Hug itself, officially ending all tension and acting as a repellent to future bad vibes on campus. 

While Price is excited for JPBGHIACB:SLTH, he wished to make one thing clear:

“I want to make a stand here: those white supremacists are NOT allowed in the group hug. But we will set aside some packets of Fritos for them.”