BREAKING: Fiji Re-Invents Colonization While Trapped in Cabo

When Phi Gamma Delta and their groupies embarked on their Spring Break Cabo trip, they never imagined the toils in store for them. “Yeah, I got invited because I’m like, basically one of the guys. The other day I was like, ‘oh my god Brandson what are you doing?! You’re so crazy!’ And he was like, ‘shut up bitch,’ and it was so funny,” said Kayla Travers, a sophomore who was invited on the trip. 

Brandson was indeed “crazy” when he contracted  COVID while doing tequila shots off of a random woman’s stomach and then spread it to the rest of the fraternity. Unable to re-enter the United States after testing positive, the boys decided to make themselves at home. “I looked around and was like…dude, it would be way easier to order a marg if everyone spoke English. So I told the other guys left in Orange to come down and we can like, open up our own place and just kind of re-start our lives here,” said Fiji president Kameron Manly.  

Sources have informed us that the bulk of Fiji members have no interest in returning to the U.S. despite having fully recovered. Locals have been told to steer clear of “New Batavia,” where the stretch of beach has been privatized to make way for more house music, blonde women, and larger ice luges.

Struppa Drops and Shatters the Worlds Biggest Diamond

Struppa really dropped the ball! Or should we say “diamond”. Tragedy struck on campus when Daniele Struppa, during a one-day on-campus exhibition of the renowned Tiger’s Tempest Diamond, picked it up to get a better look. It slipped out of his hand and he fumbled for it midair before it landed squarely on the hard stone floor and shattered irreparably into hundreds of small fragments.

This incident is just the latest in a series of unfortunate mishaps caused by the school president. Some may recall when at the farmers market he stepped on a rake and hit himself in the nose. Fowler administration laments the time Struppa was walking by Keck when he heard a whistling sound, stopped in confusion, looked side to side, then got hit by a falling anvil.

The solution? Chapman admin is taking measures to mitigate Struppa’s bad luck. “He’s on ‘ominous object’ probation,” says Kelly Fignelli, talisman expert and Struppa’s school-appointed luck-cleanser. “This means, for example, he’s not allowed to own mirrors to prevent the risk of them breaking, or to own ladders to prevent one from being walked under, and there’s no way in hell he’s getting anywhere near the new Argyros Museum of Porcelain & Fine China.”

New “Trickle Down” Panther Buck System a Smashing Success

It’s only been two weeks since the brilliant new system–which rewards those with better grades more Panther Bucks and Caf swipes–was put into motion. Already, stocks are up and productivity is high!

This new “supply side” approach, which incentivizes “competition and hard work” by denying any lazy, low-grade slackers the right to eat, has clear results: now that students are under the threat of starvation, the median grade yield is hitting record numbers!

Some snowflake liberals complain that, without access to basic nutrition, students with low grades are too busy starving to focus on grade improvement. Furthermore, those infographic babies even have the audacity to claim that professors are hoarding Panther Bucks for themselves, and that high-achieving students have developed a consumerist lifestyle revolving around Starbucks baked goods and the commodification of those little mixed nut bags in the Rotunda. 

Well guess what libs? I don’t know what “commodification” means! And even if students are buying more red velvet cake pops than they could ever consume, why stop them? They’ve earned it!

So clearly, the system is working. And with talks to implement “dorm hall redlining” next month, it’s safe to say that the “Chapman Dream” is becoming a reality!

From the Editor's Desk

Hello, 

It’s been 30 years since we last spoke. You may remember me as Bad Boy Editor, but that's a title I haven't heard in a long time. I did the thing. I chose life. I gave up all my vices, I gave up motorcycles and monster trucks, brewskis and juuling. I got my life on track. I got a good job, a large automobile, a beautiful wife.. A couple of kids. So why don’t I feel satisfied? Why am I not content? What’s missing? I’ll tell you what's missing: the fucking rush. The adrenaline pumping through my veins when I take a baseball bat to a mailbox out the window of my Chevy Volt, the euphoria that comes with pissing on every lawn in the district. Fuck my job, fuck my wife, fuck my kids. I’m back bitches. I’m back like I’ve never been before. Happy fucking March, this is Bad Boy Editor, signing off.

Ugly Public Breakup Making it Really Hard to Study For Midterms

On the third floor of Leatherby Libraries, things got messy in an argument between couple Michael Bradley and Lia Jones. "Neither of them would shut the fuck up," one student said. "I have six midterms. I don't give a shit if he's texting Sophie from the dorm pools again." The couple’s breakup also revealed private and embarrassing details about their personal lives. For instance, Lia was known to have picked up and inquired about many of the far-right extremist posters found around campus, while Michael often swindled thousands from fixed-income elderly relatives to support his defunct wet t-shirt cornhole league. 

The argument escalated when both parties began hurling priceless pieces of memorabilia from the Disney archive at one another. That afternoon, a replica of Mickey Mouse’s wand from Fantasia had to be removed from a Freshman’s eye. Public-Safety arrived to deescalate the situation, but couldn’t fit their bikes through the metal detectors. The breakup eventually petered out and students returned to their studies before again being distracted by Michael and Lia’s make-up sex in the War Letters Archive. Hundreds of war-time testimonials and love letters were lost in the bang.

One Maskless Student in Class Also Big Hugger

“She’s the only person without a mask in class. She needs to read the room and stop trying to greet us like we live in fucking France all the time. She’s from Ohio, nobody does the double kiss on the cheek thing in Ohio,” says James Caan, classmate of overzealous Sophomore Janet Jeffries. Janet has been known to encroach on personal space in the past but ever since the mask mandate was lifted her behaviors have reached new extremes. “She keeps asking people to smell her breath and the other day I caught her bringing in plates of spaghetti in an attempt to recreate that Lady and the Tramp scene.” 

“I am just so excited”, says Jeffries, Poli Sci Minor. “I’ve been bottling up my feelings under that mask for so long, but now that Covid’s officially over, I can’t help myself!”. Her Professors are less excited. “I’m immuno-compromised and I’m getting real fed up with her constantly yelling ‘What’s that over there??’ and then trying to lick me when my back is turned,” complains Dr. Jacobson. We sat down with Janet over a bowl of spaghetti to try and get some answers, but one thing led to another… and now we’re starting to see her side of things a little more clearly. Because we had sex.

Pete the Panther's Rebrand

Earlier this month, a poll was sent out asking the Chapman students to vote on Pete the Panther’s new look. It was tough for many to decide between the two options offered; Proud Pete and Playful Pete. The only tangible difference between them being that one had pants and the other didn’t. Obviously, the correct choice was the one without pants because… duh. 

But, it feels like Pete could be so much more than just, “Playful” or “Proud”? Helloooo!!!! Don’t know if you forgot but It is STILL Women’s History Month, people! Where is the lady Pete? Our Petra, or Petunia, or Pete-ette even. And if there was a Lady Pete, she and Pete would OBVI fuck, but woopsies!!!! Suddenly she’s PREGNANT with a Pete-us and in 9 months, there’s a whole Pete family and then people can call him Papa Pete?!!!!! 

The only problem with the whole Pete, Pete-ette, and Pete Jr. thing would be, you know… finding an infant, finding someone who would make an infant-sized mascot costume, evading child labor laws… etcetera. But hey, if the Shein girls can do it, anyone can! And in the off chance that the family of Petes doesn’t work out, the student body could always just petition for Piss-Kink Pete. Meeeee-oooowwww!!!!!!

"Omg I'm Not In Dodge Haha everyone Keeps Asking Me That!" Says Girl For The 47th Time This Week

The Kumquat overheard local indie/alt cosplayer Christine MacPherson open her hogger in Beckman Starbucks talking about how everyone tells her that she gives off “dodge vibes.” That she, a boring little Biology major, is constantly mistaken as someone that attends and is enrolled in courses at Dodge College of Film and Media Arts. “No like, I really don’t know what it is!” She said between laughs, “everyone just thinks I’m like some film girlie it’s so funny I love that for me.”

Stomping around campus in her godforsaken. main-character-wardrobe-esential Doc Martens and iced coffee in hand (from Contra because indie, obvi), Christine MacPherson does, however, carry the cloud of intense insecurity that looms over all Dodge students. Good for her!

The Kumquat learned that Christine’s over-compensation goes beyond just being a Dodge girl in theory: “She wrote one short story in her ‘Writing about Comedy’ class freshman year and tells people she has experience dabbling in screenwriting,” a former classmate told us, “Shit wasn’t even funny but no one in Dodge is so that works for her.”

Absolute Chump Actually Bought The Textbook

Ignorant fool Michael Daly recently purchased the textbook for political Science 408– “Religious Fundamentalism, Pluralism, and the Demand for Tolerance.” The Junior laughingstock noted to a classmate that he spent $49.99 on the textbook and $8.99 on the optional reading book. “He’s either swimming in money or just the biggest clown in human history,” one student, Joe Renner, said. “Does he know that it’s available online for free?" He also didn’t cheat during the entirety of Covid. What a fucking idiot!” So true, Joe, so true.

Worse yet, Daly doesn’t seem to notice his own stupidity. “The professor told us we were going to need it,” he said. “So I bought it.” This embarrassing faux-pas is only exacerbated by the fact that quizzes and tests are based solely on PowerPoints and don’t reference the textbook at all. “Yeah, he’s a real Grade-A sucker,” the professor said. “Dumb as a box of rocks. He’s also the only asshat who comes to office hours. I hate him.” As Daly shows no sign of recognizing his misfortune, students are advised not to intervene but look unto him with pity and carry on.

Couple Caught Having Sex Outside Fish Interfaith Center

On the afternoon of Monday, February 14th, Samantha Hanley and Mark Thompson were caught canoodling in that little pathway behind the Fish Interfaith Center. Well, not “canoodling” – Thompson was really going at it from behind while Hanley had herself pressed up against an abstract, brass fountain.

P-Safe uncovered the couple after a call from students inside the chapel who feared that the animalistic and guttural noises echoing through the walls was a sign of the Second Coming. “I thought I was literally going to be swarmed by locusts or something,” said Sophomore Kailey Williams. “But then what we found was people fucking.”

Administration says they plan to discipline the two by forcing them to attend DKA rush events, which Struppa himself had deemed as “completely sexless.” When asked if they regretted their choice to loudly and publicly fornicate, Thompson immediately said, “Oh my god, yeah. It was awesome, like it was so good, it was good for you right?” To which Hanley replied, “sure.”

Pizza Press Guilty of “Pulling a Willy Wonka”

Last week, five lucky students were shocked to find golden pepperonis on their custom, thin crust pies, forcing them to compete for the position of CEO of Pizza Press. However, their luck soon turned sour when it became clear that Pizza Press was doing nothing more than maiming the contestants. 

One student reported from the hospital that he had shattered every single tooth after being tempted by a mountain of especially crunchy crusts. Another was shrunk to the size of a basil leaf, drowned in a bowl of marinara, and promptly eaten by Dean Jerry Price, who stated last week, “Pizza Press has always supported Chapman students, and their newest endeavor will encourage the entrepreneurial spirit we admire as a university!” 

The students families are preparing a lawsuit against the restaurant, citing the injuries of three students, death of one contestant, and charges that their pizza “is kind of mid.” However, Pizza Press is still celebrating their victor, a Latina woman AND business major, as a win in the male-dominated industry. She is reportedly “relieved” to be alive, and committed to making the next competition “female-led.”

From the Editor's Desk

Ok….it’s valentine’s season…I know you are all expecting my literally flawless relationship/dating/sex advice. But you know what, I have decided I am not saying anything.  You guys don’t pay me for this. You don’t send me chocolates and flowers and say “Hot Girl Editor, thank you soooo much for convincing me it’s ok to cheat” or “Hot Girl Editor, I fucked my professor just like you said and now I have an A”. You don’t say ANY of that. I’m DONE. GONE. You know that movie Gone Girl? That’s about me. 

Also I’m going to become celibate I just decided. No one is allowed in here. Fuck you guys for not appreciating me but not literally fuck you guys because I am not doing that anymore. I am a nun now. None of you care about me or listen or ask me anything about myself because if you did you would actually see that deep down I’m a Charlotte and not a Samantha. 

Good luck with your love bullshit without me. None of you will ever smooch or smash or bang or boink ever again. 

Xoxo, 

Hot Girl Editor

4 Dead 7 Wounded in Canvas video assignment disaster

Unfortunately for Señora Hendriks’ Spanish 102 class, The New York Times recently released an article on how to engage zillennial students in class. But because Chapman tuition supplies Capitol-from-the-Hunger-Games-level indulgences and not professors’ salaries, the pay-wall was up before Señora Hendriks could read any advice other than “Assign your students a video project”.

Fatalities across the (discussion) board occurred in rapid succession, mass panic ensuing as students raced the clock at 11:46 PM to bastardize the Spanish language. “I was scared,” reports Ella Wetzler ‘25, a roommate to one of the hapless students. “I woke up to Bri in the corner of the room, mumbling to her laptop with this crazed look in her eye and singing this Spanish nursery rhyme with the most horrific grammar I’ve ever heard.” Bri miraculously survived this encounter, unlike her fellow classmates, whose autopsy reveals that they “died from embarrassment”. She, along with 12 other students, are in critical condition and receiving care at the Chapman Student Health Center, where they are being given a complimentary sucker and treated with swabs.

Small Business Spotlight: Pike's Fake Vaccine Cards!!

OMG! Did someone say “Boy-Bosses”?! Let’s hear it for these small town fellas, from Newport Beach, California, who turned nothing into SOMETHING with their dedication to the grind. CEO Tristan Harris sat down with KQ’s resident Business Bitch to tell their uplifting story. “I was sitting on my couch one day after a little too many Bud Light Seltzers,” Harris shared with a chuckle, “when my friend was like ‘I don’t know, I don’t trust what’s in the vaccine’ as he hit his Puff Bar. And I was like, hold on, I’m having a creative vision.” These Bro-trepreneurs got to work. First, they produced fake vaccine cards, but then they expanded the business with a new product– their own vaccine, a concoction of beer, a dash of coke, and those gas station boner pills. Now that clinical trials have shown their vaccine is 100% effective against every disease ever, this Business Bitch is on her way to get her booster at the Pike house next to Arco!

Editor's Letter

Hey, bad boy editor here. After fleeing Orange County (multiple warrants out for my “arrest”) I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and think on my actions and lifestyle. Maybe I shouldn’t have driven my dirt bike through Memorial Lawn. Maybe I shouldn’t have smoked a blunt in Jerry Price’s office in AF after hours. Maybe I shouldn’t have shat in Beckman 203. I don’t know. Everything I once knew feels wrong. Maybe I’m... no longer a bad boy... Maybe I’m just... Boy Editor? I don’t know if I can handle that though. Who am I without my leather jacket and wallet chain? Maybe it’s time to reinvent myself, to create an editor persona that allows me to live a full life, make friends, fall in love even. Meet a nice girl editor and settle down, have a little editor family with an editor picket fence and little editor dog that barks through the editor screen door. I have much to think about. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy our issue.

Open Letter From the Street

Dear Kumquat,

It’s me. The street. Glassell is my name, but I doubt any of you even care. I guess you’ve probably heard… my roadblocks were removed. Some say, “new year, new me.” Well I say, Boo year. Boo me. Oh, did you start your 2022 by catching Omicron? Awwww!!!! Poor you. Imagine starting 2022 by getting your face run over by hundreds of cars, over and over and over again. If you had to lay down on my surface and experience the purgatory that is having car after car drive over you without a care… you would be up in arms. Unfortunately, I don’t have arms to be up in. I can handle being stepped on by your tiny little human feet. The whole outdoor dining thing, I thought, really classed up the place, very European. But, now that’s in the past. I’m gonna miss the Laurenly van. I’m gonna misstate drunken middle aged women stumbling out of Citrus City Grille. But now, I’m back to being pummeled by those disgusting machines. I just hope that the next time you drive on me, you will finally hear my screams.

G.

New "School of Staunch Discipline" Elicits Controversy

This interterm, students had a chance to attend classes at Chapman University’s controversial new School of Staunch Discipline and Unfun Things Such as Boring Poetry. Courses include such topics as floor mopping, picket fence painting, dunce cap wearing, getting slapped on the knuckle with a yardstick, and so on.

Faculty at the new school have defended their teaching. With regard to his heavily criticized course “Avoidance of Joy: How to Lament the Past and Detest the Present,” Professor Ebenezer Scrooge stated that “Universities today suffer from a serious miscreant problem that must be thwarted.” However, the school already finds itself in dire straits for a staff termination policy that critics describe as cruel after Evil Robert Frost, PhD, was fired from the school’s poetry department for bringing students hard candies during finals week.

Food Left in Fridge Over Interterm Now Alive

While junior Matthew Doucheface enjoyed his vacation in Cabo like a douche, the leftover food in his fridge sprouted legs and became sentient. Gary, the garbage food-man made of onions, chunky peach yogurt, and ground turkey, recently enrolled at Chapman to pursue degrees in Peace Studies and Political Science. When he isn’t taking his Interterm class, Garby devotes his free time towards building low-income housing and starting a community garden. He has also eaten several students (mostly women). Garby hopes to one day become an educator and continue to give back to his community. “I want to do my part in making the world a better place. We’re all in this together,” he said. As of the writing of this article, the number of missing students climbed to 86, and– wait, make that 87– Stephen Galloway’s dog has gone missing. Gary also has aspirations of running for student government. “I have some good ideas that might make this campus a better place for all. I also have an insatiable appetite for humans and blood sacrifice. I will not stop devouring undergrads until I am rid of this primal thirst.” When asked for comment, Matthew Doucheface was killed in a separated, unrelated Cabo drowning.

Oh my god... this feels SO GOOD!!

You feel the crisp cold air tickle your forehead as you approach the old church on Sycamore Avenue. There’s a line of people waiting. You step behind them. You tap your foot, crack your knuckles, anxiously anticipating what’s to come. Time passes so slowly. The butterflies seem to flutter around more and more as you fantasize about last time when they told you they might call in 15…they never did.

Finally, you’ve made it inside. The sweet smell of old wood penetrates the air. You walk over to the desk to swipe your card. The floor lets out a small moan with each step you take. You fill out the paper as fast as you can. It doesn’t feel fast enough. But before you know it, you’re in the black plastic fold out chair. There are people around but they fade into the background. The time has come.

You pull down your mask slightly, revealing your blushed cheeks. The swab inches closer and closer to your nostril. Your breaths get shallower and shallower until finally, something happens. The swab, the beautiful, pearly white, ethereal, gentle piece of plastic has entered your face. You stop breathing for a moment. It’s inside you. And just as quickly as it started, it’s over. You get up from the chair and the entire world feels hazy. For the next two hours, you relish that feeling. As if the swab is still with you. Still in you. Until next time.

Wait, Sororities Don't Just Have, like, Little Sign-Up Sheets?

Uhhhh, I’m kinda confused here. All the girls in Henley are talking about what dress they’re gonna wear for “Values Day” and how sad they’re gonna be if they don’t “get into” Delta Gamma. And they keep saying “recruitment.” Am I being bamboozled here? Everything they’re saying sounds like a lotta work, and I was just gonna go ahead and put my name down on, like, the mailing list for Alpha Phi… Honestly, they need me more than I need them. I’d be doing them a goddamn favor by signing up for their sorority.

They have way too many cool, hot girls in that organization. They NEED a crazy freakazoid to come spice things up, whether they know it or not. They need me to ruin the fucking vibe at Semi-Formal. They need me to do an upsetting, inhuman worm dance move on the stage at Skit. They need me to go to Heaven and Hell and steal the wallets out of the brothers’ pockets like a feisty little rascal. If I don’t, who will? Sororities, I’m not coming to your “rush” “events",” but you will be hearing from me, future sisters.