I am Uncool. Will Anyone be my Valentine?

Why, you ask, am I single on Valentine’s Day? I’m not cool! On top of this reason, I am also ugly, not too smart, and even smell bad. I don’t play sports, which sucks because pretty girls only go for cool jocks. I’m not in any clubs, because I’m not really passionate about much (except girls).  I’m also a bit dumb, too. I get straight B’s, and am currently a student at Chapman University.  The only kind of cool thing I do is write for the Kumquat, which I learned is a citrus, meaning it’s like an Orange. Is that why our articles are on orange paper? Who knows! Another thing I learned is “Anonymous.” It means I can’t tell Kumquat’s girl fans that I write for it, and that’s all I had! You might think: “But anonymous Kumquat writer, you don’t have to be cool! Just be hot, smart, or smell good.” However, if you reference the beginning of this article, you will remember I am, in fact, ugly, stupid, and smell bad as well. Oh, what I’d give to be in something cool that I can tell people about, like the Dissonants!