New Pope? There’s Smoke Coming Out of Morlan
Last night (for those confused, read the article “My Review of Night” from last issue then come back (welcome back!)), I was walking around when I saw smoke coming out of Morlan and people yelling “help!”... Oh hell nah! Didn’t we just get a new pope?
I hope this new pope makes wet willies the highest sin on earth, so my Catholic bully will stop. Last time I got ringworm and almost died. I also hope this new pope is kind, and maybe not Christian? I’m sorry, but popes have been kinda one noted, let's get one of those Jonestown “Peoples Temple” people to don the hat! I say “free Kool-Aid,” you say nothing!
I saw firefighters running into Morlan. I tried to stop them and explain to them that it’s just a new pope, but they told me, “Fuck off, moron.” Brother, you just made the mistake of a lifetime. I’m peers with the new pope, and he’s gonna send your ass straight to hell, and no amount of firefighting can extinguish the eternal flame of the devil!
A lot of people are excited about this new pope. A lot of screaming and yelling and jumping out of windows and burn victims and people screaming “KILL ME NOW!” which like, okay, calm down, I’m sure the new pope ain’t that bad. Okay bye!