Stop Asking For My Snap, Connecting With Me On LinkedIn Is Sexier

Listen, it’s rough out there in the real world. As I’m on the cusp of adulthood, my priorities are shifting, my will to live is waning, and so is my interest in boys who ask for my snap. Boys use Snapchat. Men use LinkedIn. And I’m looking for a man. A tight resume? Hot. You interned at your dad’s finance company? HOT. You’re thrilled to announce your new professional achievement? I’m thrilled to announce my underwear is SOAKED. In my unemployed state, any man with a professional headshot has a shot at getting head. From me. I’ve matured since the years of feeble dick pics and cringe thirst traps, the only thing that turns me on now is 500+ connections, because, let’s be honest, size does matter. Unless you can secure me a summer internship, honey, I’m not interested. If we can connect on LinkedIn, so can our genitals. In real life. Preferably. I don’t think that’s an option on LinkedIn. I’ve checked.