I Want a Baby?

Maybe my circadian rhythm is off, maybe it’s because I keep getting wine drunk at noon, or maybe the constant Little Caesars delivery is throwing my hormones askew. My man-uterus is fucking screaming lately— I think I wanna have a kid. I saw this video where Patton Oswalt made his kid do accents? Picture that! Tiny little baby face but then it says, “Wewl ahm jus gonna jot down to de pub iz ‘at alrah wif you dada?” ACK!! SIGN ME UP!!!

I know I shouldn’t. All I have available to feed a baby is blunt roaches and popcorn chicken, BUT I want one. Do you think I could get a loaner? These couples keep walking past my house with their babies in a stroller almost as if they WANT to give me one. I’m still googling, but as a single man with close to no income right now, it seems unlikely that I’ll be able to get ahold of or give birth to a baby anytime soon. It’s for the best probably, because when this is all over and I can finally unwind I’m going to blackout for two months, wake up in an eastern European sex cult and have to hitchhike my way back to Chapman just in time for fall semester, and you can’t do all that with a baby by your side… can you? 

Friend Studying Abroad Will Almost Certainly Be Forgotten

Lindsay Cain is worried about whether or not her friends will forget about her while she’s abroad, but she has nothing to worry about. They will. Things will be a little weird at first, but after a couple of days, they will completely adjust to a life without her, and in a few short weeks will forget if her name is spelled with an A or E. 

Many students struggle with FOMO during their semester abroad, and Cain is no exception. While she explores the exquisite Italian countryside, Lindsay will yearn to pregame Improv Inc. shows at The K. As she tours a vineyard, day drinking and flirting with a hot sommelier, she will wonder if her friends are going to Fiji or Phi Delt tonight.

In order to curb this inevitable amnesia, Cain will facetime her friends at inopportune moments, send 2,000 word email update and swipe up on every instagram story— only for her friends to like the message and not reply. 

When Cain returns, it’ll be super awkward, but only for a day or two, and then everything will be fine. Soon after, she will forget about their friends that aren’t spending the summer in LA.

Student excited to study abroad in white country

 Sophomore Ian Isaacs is going to...Ethpaña! Spain (for the layman) is the spiciest of the white countries. With small plates, grand architecture, and not-English, Spain is going to give Ian all the vibe-killing stories you get from experiencing another culture in a controlled environment without putting him in front of brown people. 

Ian’s not racist, but it took 3 months of therapy to recover from the culture shock after his internship in Santa Ana. This semester abroad will be an exciting foray into a brave new white world (sponsored by the school that brought you Ben Shapiro, then George Bush, then Sarah Huckabee Sanders and also Nixon’s Grandson?) 

For the next 6 months, everything will be the same but kinda almost different. Ian will take on a European lover, she’ll be white of course, but white from EIGHT time zones over. He’ll call her Latina repeatedly and will be quite wrong. He’ll try octopus and spit it into his napkin when no one’s looking. It’s sure to be an exciting 6 months (4 months).

Pike Girl Pees in the Pool at Dayger

On Saturday, Pi Kappa Alpha, also known as “the scary frat,” hosted their Annual Veteran’s Day pool party. PNM’s flocked to the dayger to put one foot in the water and awkwardly half-bounce to Kanye West’s gospel album. Our sources have informed us that Pike has banned Bridget Hanley, a sophomore SCC major, after she unleashed the white claw she had been holding in her bladder. 

Hanley’s best friend told The Kumquat, “Her pee came out orange because of this UTI she got from a Fiji last week. She was supposed to fuck Brooks that afternoon and go to semi with Thad. Her future is basically ruined.”  

Hanley’s statement, written on her notes app and posted on her Instagram story, read: “I’m ashamed. I’d like to apologize to Pi Kappa Alpha and especially the residents of Green Monster. I made a mistake, and am willing to give my sorority composite to any Pike to express my remorse.” We reached out to members of Pike, but they don’t know how to speak or write and were unable to comment on Hanley’s future as a Pike girl.

Breaking: The Complete Stranger You Hooked Up With Last Night Is Somehow In Two Of Your Classes

Sophomore Connor Hewitt didn’t ask for much. He just wanted to go to a mid-size school. He wanted intimate class sizes, the personal student-faculty relationships, the manageable campus. He also just wanted to make out with a girl and then never see her again.

“I had never seen this girl before in my life,” says Hewitt. “Then, suddenly, she’s everywhere I look. In my English class. Ordering at Einstein’s. Sitting next to me in Poli Sci. At my friend Chloe’s birthday party.”

The next morning, Hewitt woke up to three follow requests from her friends from high school and a text that said “ahahaha wouldn’t it be crazy if we got coffee?”

Upon further investigation, Hewitt discovered that beyond being in two of his classes, they also have the same interdisciplinary cluster, ride the same shuttle on Mondays, and are both on the Galapagos Interterm trip. She also lives six doors down from him in Grand and her big is his big’s twin.

Who is George Bush? And why is he so hot?

On October 9th, campus will be completely closed down and classes will be cancelled after 4pm, all because of some guy named…George Bush? Never heard of him. I made a quick bing search to learn more about the man powerful enough to shut down THE Chapman University.

But then... it all made sense. This guy absolutely fucks.  He has salt and pepper hair and lips that yearn to be kissed. He has this dangerous look in his eyes that scream “I sent people to Iraq”, but a soft twinkle in those same eyes that says “I deregulated capitalism and brought forth the greatest recession since the great depression.” Some say he has a face that begs to be hit with a shoe, but I can’t help thinking his face begs to be sat on. I guess what I’m saying is…George, I’m just a girl standing in front of boy asking him…will you give this a shot? Laura can totally join.