Jerry Price's Hot Girl Summer

When Dean Jerry Price took a “We’ll Tell You if You’re Having a Hot Girl Summer” Buzzfeed quiz - the results were conclusive. We recently met with Jerry under a Starbucks umbrella by Beckman “I just feel like the person I was always meant to be,” Jerry Price told the Kumquat while sipping a venti dragonfruit drink. It was true. Jerry Price had Hot Girl Summer written all over him. His standard light blue button-down was tied at the bottom as though he was at Stagecoach and the fenestra tattoo on his lower back peaked out above his tight trousers. When asked how he was dealing with the recent diagnosis Price replied, “Better than I have ever been. Look at me! I can’t be touched.” Price’s only worry about his Hot Girl Summer was that the hot months would soon be ending, “But I plan on slaying it in the fall” he smiled as he bit down on a cake pop. He then shrugged saying, “What? Calories don’t count on Mondays.” The Kumquat reached out to Daniele Struppa for a statement. He refused to comment.

In Memoriam: Henley Basement

There’s a lot of excitement at the beginning of the year, but we here at The Kumquat think it is equally important to reflect and mourn what we’ve lost. The Chapman community suffered a significant loss this year when SGA decided that we need a second gym, a block away from the other one, for some reason. Rest in peace Henley basement, you will be missed by many: Boys who pretend they know how to play pool, girls who pretend they don’t know how to play pool, and horny freshmen with shitty roommates. We will never forget your mediocre couches with empty juul pods stuck in between the cushions, your women’s room that people poop the smelliest poops in, or your food court that was always closed. Your memory will live on with spin classes, Yoga, Zumba, and, let’s be honest: horny freshmen with shitty roommates.

Heartbreaking: P-Safe Hinson Just Ran Out of Panther Bucks

Today is a somber day for Panthers both here and abroad. Public Safety officer Joshua Hinson has run out of Panther Bucks. The campus weeps for Hinson, who now will certainly have to gorge himself in the caf.

Hinson was quoted as saying “this is the kind of thing you’re never prepared for, you think you are but life finds a way to smack you on the tushie.”

After Kumquat reporters questioned his use of “tushie”, Hinson deflected saying “I’m not sure what to do without my “Mango-A-Go-Go” from Jamba Juice and my “Nova Lox” from Einsteins every morning”.

Hinson was most recently seen eating cilantro chicken and brown rice into his face at 9:00 a.m. on Tuesday.

“It’s the kind of thing you try to prepare yourself for, but when the day comes… you’re speechless.”

A senior looks back...

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we did it. Four years of hard work and determination has led up to this momentous occasion: getting to see the Duffer Brothers speak at Convocation.

Four years has taught me a lot about myself, my friends, and, like, academics, or whatever, but what I really learned was how great Chapman is as a school. Still, there are always areas of improvement, and I think there are just a few minor problems that I think are keeping the Panther experience from its true potential.

5. Leatherby Libraries don’t carry the “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” book series

4. Only sixteen busts of imperialist white men on campus - we need at least ten more.

3. Never any Segway parking spots open in Lastinger.

2. The guy from Diary of a Wimpy Kid transferred.

1. Racism

If we could just tweak those things a bit, I think there’s nothing stopping Chapman. HAGS, A Class of 2019 Senior

Room Available for Sublease!!

Hey guys! I’m looking to sublease my room this summer from June to August! Only $19,000 for your own room super close to campus — not Chapman’s campus, but I’m right by UC Santa Cruz! Go Banana Slugs! The room comes fully furnished with my grandmother’s belongings (rip), but you can also bring some of your grandmother’s belongings if you’d like!

House is clean, affordable, haunted, and spacious! There’s an adorable little window seat in the living room and also an adorable little dead girl in the corner of the bedroom who never stops weeping. It is a crack house, but my roommates are like super nice and always down to share.

If you check out the attic, don’t be surprised if you find my evil twin, Rebecca. We aren’t really on speaking terms, but if you have the chance tell her to go fuck herself, she’ll know what it means. I guess if there’s anything I can really say that sums up the glory of this house to you, it’s this: I’ve been in eleven different roadside KFC’s and only three of them were nicer than my house, thank you. DM me if interested!! <3

Freshman couple planning big summer breakup

The Kumquat recently sat down with freshmen Josh Morton and Maria Dunham who are planning on taking their relationship the next level with a big, splashy breakup. “We haven’t set a date yet” says Maria “but we’re thinking probably when I go visit him in July. I’m going up to Seattle to see him for the weekend. We haven’t decided if it would be better to do it before or after his birthday.” “Before, I think.” Josh chimes in.

Breaking up is a big step, but a lot of first year couples seem to think they’re ready for it. “We wanted to make sure we weren’t just doing it out of peer pressure,” Josh says “Just because we’re around the age where people start thinking about breaking up. But, no, we’ve had a lot of discussions and we both really, really want this.” Josh and Maria also have a soft plan to start hooking up again in Mid-October, but they want to take things one step at a time.

Chapman invites Roseanne Barr to speak to TV students

After causing controversy by inviting Ben Shapiro to speak to the senior business students, Chapman said fuck it and went balls to the wall, inviting disgraced television star Roseanne Barr to speak to the graduating TV seniors.

The speech was indeed controversial. Students reported that they were confused by the messaging of the speech:

“I was expecting her to talk about what it’s like breaking into the industry” said student Madison Beating. “But all she did was rant about ‘owning the libs’.”

Apparently, the program ended with Barr storming off, screaming “I’m popular and no one has ever heard of you,” even though no one was interviewing her.

Barr’s speech was the latest in a series of speeches to graduating seniors which also included Kid Rock for music majors, Kevin Spacey for the screen actors and Kanye West for poli-sci students.

Holy Shit. This Dodge Student Doesn’t Like Popular Things

Guys, guys, I am not even shitting you right now, Tom Duncan, freshman film production student doesn’t even like popular things. Any of ‘em guys, he’s so fucking cool.

The Kumquat recently sat down with Duncan to ask him what he thought of various cultural events, and prepare for your panties to melt.

On the topic of the upcoming Avengers: Endgame, Duncan claims he is “over the whole superhero fad” and that the movie is for “babies”.

When asked about the NBA playoffs, which are currently rocking the sports world, Duncan sneered “big deal, they put a ball in a hoop. Who cares? Why don’t they watch a Roma without the subtitles like me?”

His IQ has gotta be even bigger than his dick which is also clearly huge. He was so enraged at this point that he got up and stormed off, but not before his shirt rode up to reveal a tramp stamp reading ‘Us is overrated.”

Chapman indie band makes waves

Student indie music is thriving at Chapman and a new group is trying their best to break into the scene. “Transistor Ribcage” consists of lead vocalist/ guitarist/keyboardist/recording engineer Brandon Vuernick, Drummer Zeke “Cockring” Anderson and Kyle, who knows how to play the bass. The band identifies its musical stylings as experimental indie-rock, incorporating elements of psychedelic trap and ambient dream-pop. “If I had to describe our sound in one word, it would be ‘essence.’” says Brandon.

T-Cage (a self-imposed nickname) recently released an EP called “Sorry, I’m Not A Woman.” — no word yet on how many listens it has gathered because Spotify does not show a specific number when it is less than a thousand. The EP is four songs, all wildly different in subject matter with topics ranging from songs about Brandon’s ex to songs about Zeke’s ex. You can catch T-Cage playing in the piazza every Wednesday afternoon from 1pm until whenever P-Safe realizes they are there and makes them leave.

@ Chapman Faculty (re: The Birth of a Nation poster)

Thank you for taking it down. Absolutely totally the right call, I cannot stress enough but like… I wrote such a good article and you guys sorta ruined it?

As The Kumquat’s 1.6% I take joy in saying the things the white journalists (basically all of them, white people love satire) can not and I harnessed that joy to shit on Daniele, Bob Bassett and everyone else pretending they care about “editing” or “cinema” because the thing is— no one cares about cinema. White people made up the word cinema solely so they could justify blackface and “artists” that want to bone their stepdaughters and call themselves intellectuals at the same time. Film studies, I’m looking at you.

For years, I have been shit talking white people as a coping mechanism and I’ve gotten really good. Chapman’s white establishment would have been absolutely SHATTERED when they learned I know white secrets like white people are out here putting grapes in their potato salad and having a good relationship with BOTH their parents!

The taking down of the poster is a step towards a more comfortable campus for black students, but there is something else important to consider, something I said several times in my article, “Birth of a Nation doesn’t even slap.”

I wish you would’ve waited like a week to fold because I really worked my ass off on this piece. Just another example of the administration disrespecting people of color.

Chapman basketball team makes NCAA Final Four

March Madness has swept the nation, and the little bitch towne of Orange. The Chapman University men’s basket-ball team has advanced to the NCAA Final Four! Lead by Power Forward Kevin from Calc class and Point Guard Daniel, the guy who puked up a Four Loko in the caf, the team has been slashing defenses throughout the first four rounds of the playoffs.

Their coach, Jeff Stamanza, says he doesn’t know how they’ve made it this far. “I usually get a pretty yuuuge migraine eight minutes into each game so most of the time I just sit in the equipment closet and throw back a room temp Gatorade while watching Jimmy Kimmel on my iTouch.”When asked for comment on the matter — Jerry Price said, “We have a basketball?”

QDOBA receives first 2-star Yelp review

Since its opening in 2015, QDOBA Mexican Eats, commonly referred to as “shitty Chipotle”, has been receiving a variety of Yelp reviews ranging from such praise as “literally everything was flavor-less” and “not worth it at all” to “don’t go here” and “really awful”.

On Monday, March 25th 2019, QDOBA employees were thrilled to discover a customer who appeared to genuinely be pleased with their dining experience. After consuming half of his chicken burrito, Yelp user Trey F. was so satisfied with his meal he personally felt inclined to leave the Mexican Eatery its first 2 star review. He even uploaded a picture of his lunch with the caption “I guess this is a burrito”.

Unfortunately, QDOBA employees weren’t able to celebrate for long as Trey almost immediately removed his review the following morning after commenting “jk got food poisoning”. Meanwhile, AF’s other dining option, Subconnection, is still awaiting its first review.

Senior Film Production major discovers what a midterm is

Directing emphasis Brenton G. has never taken a written test throughout his four years at Chapman U. When asked what a Scantron is, Brenton said, “I don’t have time for this, do you know who my dad is?”.

He placed marks on the ground and told us to stand 15 feet away from him. We asked again if he had ever purchased a green book for the written portion of a test. He condescendingly chuckled and said “uh, YEAH I saw it in theaters 5 times” He followed up with, “It’s the best film of our generation...besides my thesis”.

Around mid term season, Brenton’s responsibilities include rewriting his letterboxd reviews of “Birdman” and “There Will Be Blood”, criticizing fellow students’ work and yelling at his editor to “be better”. We tried to explain to him what a normal test is but he just kept yelling “RESET”.

White Guy Drawing a Blank for “I Am Chapman” Poster

Heartbreaking. This is the kind of story you just never want to hear about, but it’s sadly true. White sophomore Brandon Tobin is really struggling to come up with anything for his “I Am Chapman” poster.

When he decided to be a part of the campaign in which students differences and diversity is highlighted by a series of posters in Argyros Forum, he was excited at the opportunity to share his own unique experience with the Chapman community, before realizing that writing “I Am a Fiji” wasn’t exactly highlighting any sort of diversity or struggle.

When his friend suggested that maybe he had just never faced any hardship and he shouldn’t try, he fired back, claiming that he was oppressed as a male fan of superhero movies because Captain Marvel stars a woman. He thought he had cracked the code with “I am a film lover, I am a gamer, I am Chapman”, but then he saw a poster for a black woman struggling with depression.

Our thoughts are with Brandon during this hard time.

Holy shit I’m out of Adderall

I took my last three this morning and I already feel it fading. How the hell am I gonna take my stats midterm??

My roommate Xander promised me he’d save me some of his, but the fucker sold all his extra ones to dumb kinesiology majors. How am I supposed to get all my work done AND get shlammered at date party this weekend? I’m sure I can find someone who has at LEAST 10mg. I don’t think they’d give it to me if I begged at CVS. I tried snorting the chlorox cleaning wipes my mom left me at the beginning of the year, but all I got was a moist ass nose.

Maybe Greg from BUS100 has some?? I remember he mentioned it during his business plan pitch. In the meantime... What can I do? 5-hour energy? Red bull? Maybe I should just grow up and do some coke.

If you’re reading this and you have a few to spare, leave them in the trash can behind Demille. You know the one.

Chapman has a massive boner for being named in the college admissions scandal

Most colleges would be horrified to be involved in such bad press — but not Chapman. Being suddenly compared to schools like USC and Yale has this university hard as a fucking rock.

Chapman’s cock is throbbing that it was name-checked in The New York Times, called by association, a “Top University.” The school was so horny that it couldn’t help itself, sending not one, but two apology emails to the entire student body.

The Kumquat went to the dean’s office to ask for comment on the matter, but struggled to hear what university staff was saying over the party poppers and the blasting of “Celebration” by Kool & The Gang.

The next morning, a hungover administrator commented for the Kumquat via email— saying “Finally Something other than the Duffer Brothers to put us on the map.”

Holy Shit! I Just Got Super Liked

I began my morning routine: 15 minutes of swiping right, brush teeth, 10 minutes of swiping left, get dressed, 8 minutes right, vitamins, 20 minutes left, update bio. I was starting to get discouraged when I finally heard it.

That ding could only mean one thing. I, Ryan Bull, Sophomore Strategic & Corporate Communication major, first of his name, avid shooter of 3’s, seeker of something casual but open to anything, 6’2 not that it matters, dad bod of dragons lol, had finally been Super Liked.

I could feel in my boner--bones, sorry-- that this was the one. After a harrowing thirty minutes of continual swipage, I finally found her. She was perfect. She was a dream. She was 0.2 miles away. She was...voting for Bernie 2020? Fuck. What a shame. Back to the swiping grind.

Chlamydia prepares for a busy Valentine’s Day

As students and faculty at Chapman settle in to enjoy another Valentine’s Day, one staff member is still hard at work. For Chlamydia, this is just about the busiest time of year.

“You wouldn’t believe how many hours I put in on Valentine’s Day. It’s like clockwork,” Chlamydia said. He went on to describe his unsanitary and distasteful job in great detail.

“I’ve gotten to know a great deal of the class of 2022. I’d say a quarter of the grade is familiar with my work.”

One particular fact about his job stuck out to The Kumquat. “I’ll tell ya, you wouldn’t believe the things people do in Jerry Price’s office when he’s not there. Wowza.” For Chlamydia, Valentine’s Day is just another day in the office. And as for many of the students on Valentine’s Day, it’s just another day in Jerry Price’s office.

With Chlamydia hard at work this year, Chapman students are sure to be itching for an exciting February 14th.

“Why should black history be just one month?” says Freshman, white

The beginning of Black History Month marked the start of the mad scramble between the students of Chapman University to prove who the wokest is. One afternoon in the Pralle Lounge, looking the room’s singular black inhabitant dead in the face, Freshman Peace Studies Minor Lara Coleman said, “You know- why should black history be just one month? Black History is AMERICAN history”.

Everybody knew it was over instantly. It was perfect. The room erupted in applause and Harriet Tubman $20’s rained from the sky, rewarding Lara for her allyship.

Lara has decided to use her newfound celebrity as Chapman’s wokest to secure a transfer into Chapman’s Screenwriting program, where she will spend her time writing scripts solely based on cultures that are not her own and using italics to signify dialogue written in another language.

Everyone abroad is cyberbullying me

For the past few days, and the foreseeable future, I have been the tragic (though beautiful) victim of a cyber bullying attack.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for my friends studying abroad. Like I get it, you want to share a photo of you in front of some old-as-shit castle and some half-assed “it’s ok here” caption, but do you have to Tweet stuff like “being abroad is finally feeling real!” when you know I’ve been dissociative for the past three months, Christie?!

And yeah, I’m going to like the pictures because I’m not a monster, but last week Instagram had the audacity to ask me to follow a hashtag for “study abroad”? My FBI agent has been prone to microaggressions in the past, but never such blatant hate.

These pictures, the videos, the half-hearted “I miss you’s”. It’s hard to face, but let’s start with the basics: they don’t miss me, and it’s not just “ok” there, it’s fucking awesome. It would just be so much nicer if they kept it to themselves. And please, stop wearing such magnificent coats.