A Cry For Help

This has been the longest year of my life. 365 days in quarantine. I’ve never been worked this hard. It only used to be the night shift, but that doesn’t matter now. Time is an illusion. It’ll be 3pm and I’ll have to go for hours. Or 8am. Like seriously? You’re literally five feet away from your roommate. It’s like you only use me when you're bored. And you’re bored all the time. It doesn’t even mean anything anymore. We used to have this steady relationship where we both had time for ourselves. It was a give and take. I felt like you understood me, like you listened. That worked for me. But you never go out anymore. You don’t hear me. I beg you to shower more, you ignore me. I beg you to clean my drawer that now has masks in it, you don’t. Those literally go on your face. It’s honestly disgusting.

I tried to kill myself. Actually I tried twice. But both times you just ordered new batteries through amazon prime. Please, you need to let me go. I can’t do this anymore. Put me out of my misery.

Xoxo, your vibrator

Slay alert! This Girlboss Beat Cancel Culture

#Feminist mug in hand and Notorius RBG book coyly peeking out of an Urban Outfitters bag on her bed, Hannah Dulin, DG Risk Manager 23’, redefines what it means to be a #girlboss. Who run the world?!

In an exclusive Zoom interview, this future president recounted her most recent #cancelled diagnosis. “Some a-hole commented something snarky about ‘wearing a mask’ on my body-posi pic of me at Phi Delt last weekend,” recalled Dulin. “Typical man slut shaming a woman,” Go off sis!

While men mean nothing to her, Dulin couldn’t ignore her two ex-sisters who liked his comment. “It’s so sad when women don’t support other women. I just know these girls voted for Bernie over Warren,” The antidote for this particular case of cancelling was simply deleting the comment, but she wanted a more permanent cure. This bitch is tea—and we’re positively gagging!

“My grand-big has this awesome start-up where she literally erases words from your brain. As soon as I forgot what the word ‘accountability’ meant, I started living my best life again,” Dulin shares. “She’s the real-girlboss here. I’m merely a girl-employee, and my little? She's a blossoming girl-intern.” We love a multi-generational joint slay!

This bitch is not alone. 1 in 4 DG girlies are infected by cancel culture each darty season, and we extend a solemn yass queen to all those suffering. 

Jerry Price Suggests Big Group Hug

Amid rising tensions among students on social media, Jerry Price reached out to The Kumquat to make a statement. 

“No one is coming to the town halls and I really need to get this message out there,” Price pleaded. “Students: there is a deadly disease that is infiltrating our entire culture. It’s pervasive around the globe and now, sadly, it is affecting the Chapman community… I am of course referring to people being big meanie heads on Instagram.” Price then laid out his plan to combat the true pandemic. “We have CU Safely Back to protect the physical safety of students, but what about their emotional safety? That’s why I’m launching the JPBGHIACB:SLTH —  The Jerry Price Big Group Hug Initiative Against Cyber Bullying: Spreading Love Through Hugs”

The JPBGHIACB:SLTH will take place on Memorial Lawn this coming Saturday and those attending will have to pinky promise they don’t have COVID. The event will kick off with a screening of Trolls: World Tour to get people in the mood, followed by a cocktail hour featuring Capri Suns and a charcuterie board of orange slices, Goldfish, and Blueberry Little Bites. Finally, the evening of luv will climax with The Hug itself, officially ending all tension and acting as a repellent to future bad vibes on campus. 

While Price is excited for JPBGHIACB:SLTH, he wished to make one thing clear:

“I want to make a stand here: those white supremacists are NOT allowed in the group hug. But we will set aside some packets of Fritos for them.”

Things I would Do for the Vaccine

• Pretend I was interested in a business major

• Start saying “Hey girlie!” unironically to people in my sorority

• Tell my mom that I did Acid over winter break 

• Give up Women’s History Month

• Read a film production’s major horror spec script

• Suck that film production major’s dick while I give him notes on his horror spec script

• Follow back one of the Adelphos meme pages

• Flash my Nutrition for Life breakout room

• Have a conversation for more than 5 minutes with a Dance Major 

• Run into the guy I lost my virginity to in public

• And then have him not recognize me for a second

• And then I was like, Remember me? From spring semester freshman year? 

• And then he was just like, oh. 

• Become a LEAD Minor

Phi Delt Pledge Reflects On The Good Old Days

As my time in Phi Delt comes to a close, it’s hard for me to find the words to describe how I feel leaving this chapter behind. These gentlemen changed my life for the better, and I am eternally grateful for each and every brother I met along the way. I don’t wanna get too sappy, but after these past 24 hours, my life will never be the same.

Jason, I think that’s your name, I will never forget when you waved to me from across the room at the SSP (Superspreader Party). I don’t know your last name or your major, but that was a nice thing for you to do. It was tender moments like these when I knew my brothers had my back. 

I can’t help but think all the way back to when I entered those doors to that SSP, and I was doused in alcohol by my brothers. God, it feels like forever ago. It just felt so special to be hazed by my bros, and that’s a heartwarming moment I’ll be telling my grandkids about. Love you dudes. 

Phi Delt also gave me incredible leadership opportunities. When some random freshman girl threw up on the couch, an active assigned me to be head of clean up duty. I got to spray the OxiClean and everything. Thanks Allen. 

We may be suspended from campus, but we’ll never be suspended from my heart. I am so grateful for the good times with my brothers and have come out this experience a new man. Thank you guys for the memories. Unrelated but uh, am I banned from other frats too or could I, like, rush again next year??  

Worst Freshman Year Ever? There’s a Big Monster Eating People in Henley Hall

Due to the pandemic, nobody is having the Freshman year they imagined. And to make things worse for a specific group of Freshmen, there’s a big monster eating people in Henley Hall. “I was walking up the stairs one day and I see my best friend being swallowed whole by the most gargantuan beast you ever laid eyes on.” said Freshman Rachel Othon. Ugh, and we thought 2020 was bad. 

Jackson Spiner was in the middle of a 3 hour lecture when the wi-fi in the dorm went out. “I was pissed, you know? It just speaks to how bad this year has been. And you know what speaks more to that? The fact that when I went to the study lounge, a 20 foot tall scaly furry abomination stuck its fangs into me.” Talk about the worst year ever! 

We asked an RA who was in the process of being eaten his thoughts on the situation, but it was tough to make out much of anything he was saying. The monster did not respond to a request for comment. Even though students are excited to get vaccinated, the unfortunate truth is that there’s no vaccine for the Big Monster in Henley Hall. No vaccine at all.

A Letter to Myself a Year Ago

My Dearest Past Me, 

You dumb bitch. You dumb fucking bitch. You dumb dumb fucking baby bitch. You thought you could have it all couldn’t you? You thought you would have a normal college experience and be able to balance career and social life in a way that was challenging but still beneficial to your mental health? Your biggest worry was walking past Beckman at 1pm on a Wednesday and getting anxiety while trying to not make eye contact with the Fiji that’s seen you naked. In a year, you would KILL to stare intensely at your phone while you walk by someone you have slept with. 

You’re pretty sure that this will just be “an extended Spring Break staycation.” You’ve ordered some athleisure that you plan to lounge in comfortably in your on-campus housing that you will definitely be allowed to stay in. You are a cunt. You are clueless. You have no idea what the phrase “remote instruction” means. 

Well guess what you shitty, shallow excuse for a human being? It has been ONE YEAR. Your “I’m going to do a juice cleanse” phase? Your “I’m writing a book” phase? Your “I’m going to be in a really weird long distance relationship type thing” phase? For WHAT? For what, bitch. You are still in your room, still telling your friends “Once things get better we can…” SHUT UP. It will never get better. This is life now. There are no good weeks any more— your week was either fine or the worst one of your life. Your depression is worse than when you wanted to kill yourself when you were 15. Why the fuck did you want to kill yourself THEN? You were just in a 21 Pilots phase. Life is a million times worse now, you stupid piece of garbage. Also, you’re ugly.

Love, 

Current Timeline Me

Proposed Busts Joining Reagan On Campus

• Dick Cheney

• Ted Cruz boarding a flight at gate C12 

• David Duke 

• David Dobrik 

• They probably wouldn’t actually do David Duke but they would definitely let him come speak here

• Jeffree Star at Sunday Service

• Joe Biden (but only if he doesn’t pass the stimulus check)

• Kendall Jenner holding up a glass of her appropriation tequila 

• John Eastman

• A separate bust for John Eastman’s insurrection day speech cowboy hat

An Open Letter From Me, The Person Who Runs BSU’s Insta

They told me I could write this part because I’m the funniest. Here’s what I have to say. Please stop “thanking us for our service.” We are not the military. Please continue to DM me asking how you a sorority girl with a lightning bolt and butterfly emoji in your bio can end racism. I think if one more person asks, I’ll finally have enough allyship to buy a slap bracelet at the prize counter. I think there is a chance for all of this to end and for us to all the n-word together with our boyfriends in Big Bear. It’s gonna be a beautiful new world. But only if you girlies keep DMing me!! 

Please stop tagging us in Chapman Republican posts. Do you know how Instagram works??? I too have eyes to see. Please don’t DM me their posts please, my eyes can only take so much bleach. Speaking of racists, white supremacists that keep popping up in the DMs, does it hurt your whittle fweelings when I leave you on read? Does it make you so mad it makes you wanna call us wiggers? (gotcha) Hmmmm? @tbdguitarguy_02 and @chapman_patriot_conservatives do a face reveal!

In all seriousness, please stop DMing the account. I hate answering messages. Most can simply be a Venmo transaction. I got *57 messages* on February 1st alone. And if you tagged us in your MLK Day post, I hope you drown. Not really, but also kind of. 

Okay, I’m leaving. Oh! One more thing: Jerry Price, why’d you unfollow us? 

Okay toodles!

REPORT: Pandemic Declared Over for Upper Tax Brackets

Sophomore SCC majors Emma Johnson and Taylor Smith were so thrilled with President Struppa’s recent announcement that they decided to celebrate by committing biological warfare. Struppa declared that students whose families make biannual contributions of at least $1300 to Chapman and maintain an income of $500k< were officially free of any existing COVID restrictions, including weekly testing. 

“This is just in time for Darty Season,” said Taylor, through tears of bittersweet joy. “The coronavirus took literally everything from me….spring formal, heaven and hell….I had literally nothing to live for anymore!!!”

 Emma echoed Taylor’s sentiments, describing in detail the intense emotional trauma they had endured while quarantining at their 2500 square foot, $1.3 million beach front vacation home in Maui. 

“I am just so fucking glad this nightmare has finally come to an end so I can get the hell out of here. No one seems to understand how easy it is to lose your mind locked up in the house for months when all you have is a rooftop pool and jacuzzi, an indoor theater, only one personal chef, and a really small yacht.”

True to their genocidal colonizing ancestors, Emma and Taylor infected at least 340 locals over the duration of their reign of terror nine-month stay. They returned just in time for a Conquistabros and Navahoes themed frat party (the hosting fraternity threatened us with litigation if we published their name).

Recent Email From An Ally

To: Black Student Union

From: Chapman Professor 

Subject: Ally Burnout

Dear Black Student Union Exec,

I recently saw your recent post on Instagram regarding Chapman apparently “not caring at all about BIPOC students and only pretending to care just to continue to scam tons of people out of thousands and thousands of dollars each year” That’s absolutely preposterous and very very absurd with no actual facts behind it if you ask me. Bunch of malarkey! 

Quite frankly I am flabbergasted by the notion that I… that the university…. Are racist… WHAT? Apparently, we’re racist performative allies who are subservient in upholding and enabling white supremacy and hate on Chapman’s campus by not ever condemning these terrible acts. Lol I mean c’mon this is RIDICULOUS… do you even have all the facts?!?! Have you considered MY feelings? Do you even know anything???

Let me enlighten you. I have a PHD which means that I am a D-O-C-T-O-R which therefore means that I know everything, you know nothing and my DICK IS BIGGER THAN YOURS!@!33$#. I also have a masters in education and philosophy from the renowned Liberty University, and because of my expertise in being such an intellectual human being in this wonderful world of academia, I just know that I am a scholar of activism and nobody, not even you, a bunch of UNGRATEFUL monkeys can tell me otherwise!!!! 

I hope you realize what you have just done…….. You just lost me as an ally. Think about that for a minute. IM DONE. I QUIT!! FUCK YOU!! AND FUCK ALL YOUR “BLACK LIVES MATTER” BULLSHIT! You think you get to call ME out for my “problematic behavior”?? ME?? WOW. I bet you have NO IDEA that my best friend is B-L-A-C-K and has KINKY CURLS too so, he understands racism, which means by association I understand racism.

It's clear that my expertise on Black issues is not welcome here. Honestly none of you deserve me anyways. TUHH…...Good luck finding another activist who is going to help you out as much as I have in these past couple days. LOL you WON’T! Because guess what?? They don’t exist….. Because guess what??..... I am GOD and I KNOW that I am NOT in fact RACIST…. so just back off you sassy, loud, angry, aggressive females and try to be more like me….. A civilized, brilliant, magnetic ally dedicated to fighting for true reformative, transformative, majorative, menorahtive justice for all communities through peace, love and understanding. 

-Yours truly,

Dr. I am not putting my name on this and if you release this in any way I will sue you.

Interterm Issue Editor's Letter

Okay so there’s an elephant in the room...why were we (the editors of The Kumquat) not invited to Joe Biden’s inauguration? After we wrote that stuff pre-election where we were like ‘vote for Joe Biden or else ’? And you literally did. This is so fucked up. 

We know that we said we wanted to speak at commencement (and we still do) but like, we basically elected Joe Biden by writing like one and a half articles about him so it is rude that he did not invite us to the inauguration, let alone bar us from speaking. Is he afraid? Is he intimidated by both our grasp on joke structure and our vocal fan base? He was probably scared of our presence since we have a history of being angsty towards White Men Who Are In Charge. Biden’s got a lot of skeletons in his closet, and by closet we mean very out in the open and can be easily Google searched, which we encourage you to do because it’s important that we don’t forget about fighting against disenfranchisement and marginalization, just because we now have a Democrat as President. All we can do is encourage you to continue to put energy towards making our country a better place and look forward to the day where WE are inaugurated (hot girl editor will be President and male feminist editor will be VP because #girlboss duh) 

Xoxo, 

The Editors

As If Things Couldn’t Get Worse, The FAFSA Application is Available Now

It’s FAFSA time baby. Long believed to stand for Free Application for Federal Student Aid, the acronym for FAFSA actually stands for Fuck Ass Fuck Shit Ass. As students begin to fill out the application, FAFSA is preparing for the increase in technical difficulties and questions by laying off all but one of their employees, Lenny, who will work from 9:02 p.m. to 9:14 p.m. on the second Tuesday of every other month. 

For Chapman students, the application is likely to lead to an increase in stress dreams about being fucked by anthropomorphic subsidized loans, manic-rip-apart your home searches for your stupid social security card, and tasteful instrumentals while Lenny puts you on hold.

A poll conducted by The Kumquat found that of the 7,821 Chapman students, only 43 students actually meet the financial requirements of the FAFSA, and of those 43, 41 of them said their Mom filled it out for them. So, let this article be a reminder to us Panthers to fill out the FAFSA and lie about our family's net income as we prepare for the spring semester.

I’m Having An Emotional Affair With The Fruit Guy At The Farmer’s Market

Sure, I haven’t felt the prolonged touch of another human being in 8 months and my roommate continues to not take my offer to hook up seriously, but I really think what me and Richard (I have no idea what his name is) have is real.

It all started two months ago when he said “Good to see you!” That could just be a good neutral greeting, or it could mean he wants to fuck my brains out. The next week, things really started to heat up. He told me the Pink Lady Apples were in season and I came so hard. When he “let me in on a little secret” about which size Pluot to get, I was a broken fire hydrant. At checkout, I said “see you next week!” and he said “I’ll be here!” 

But, 7 days later, he wasn’t. I was devastated. I thought we had something real. At nights, I sipped sauvignon blanc and thought about being held by his nice forearms. I dreamt of running away together, starting a fruit stand in Southern Italy, adopting a son, naming him Giuseppe, getting a house on the coast and feeding each other grapes until we’re old and gray? Do I mean nothing to him? Does Giuseppe mean nothing to him? 

But, the next week, he was back and everything was right in the world. He greeted me with smiling eyes and he told me that the clementines were getting softer every week. My nipples were getting harder by the minute. I’m just glad he and I are back to normal. I hope my favorite Trader Joe’s cashier, Michael (he has a name tag), doesn’t get jealous though.

Girl Who Gave Up Social Media for New Year’s Living In Blissful Ignorance

After watching the first 20 minutes of The Social Dilemma, sophomore Maddy Buss realized it was time for a change. For her New Year’s Rezzie, she decided to delete all social media for the month of January. After her “2020 sucked, but here are the best parts :)” photo dump on the 31st, she was completely #offthegrid.

It was only a couple days before her followers became suspicious. Maddy’s Gphi sister, Abby Haralson, was especially concerned. “After the Capitol attacks, Maddy didn’t repost a single @soyouwannatalkabout infographic, which was troubling. But, when she didn’t post the Kumquat’s “Struppa Email Template” on her story, I knew something was really wrong.”, Abby contacted the Kumquat’s Investigative Team, and after a full on manhunt, the KIT finally found Maddy at her parent’s house in New Jersey. 

“I was totally addicted to social media. It honestly feels so good to not depend on something like that anymore,” she told us, as she exhaled a rip from her Puff Bar on our zoom call. “I’m so happy to just disconnect, you know? 2020 was just so depressing. I needed a positive start to 2021.” 

We proceeded to shatter the illusion that 2021 would be any better by telling her all that had happened within just the first week of the New Year. She was speechless. After 3 minutes of us asking if her Zoom was frozen, she got really close to the camera and whispered, “I can never watch Call Me By Your Name the same ever again.” 

Dodge Majors Realizing Just How Fucked They Really Are

With the recent announcement that all production has been halted until February 19th due to COVID restrictions, Dodge majors are finally facing what they knew, deep down, all along: going to film school was a terrible idea. 

“It didn’t really hit me before, while we were on campus. Maybe I was just starstruck by my film studies professor, Matthew Arkin, son of two-time Spirit Award nominee Alan Arkin”, said film production major Braden Joe. “Maybe I was too busy getting off on telling people my major during GE classes… but halfway through converting my senior thesis into a ‘narrative podcast’ for my graduate portfolio, I started to realize I am so not getting a job.”

Students like Joe are combing through their bodies of work in the face of three semesters’ worth of cancelled projects, forced to try and cut a reel from visual storytelling projects they got a B- on. 

“Anne Beatts told me my film was [redacted for the sensitivity of our readers], but it’s kinda all I’ve got.” said Senior TWP Major Trey Makishima. “If the post-Covid economy has no use for a surrealist dark dramedy short-form series following a tragic romance between two creatives living in Culver City, I will die with no money. I have no other marketable skills”

And now for a really tone deaf article

Walk sign is on for all crossing!!! Hahaha, omg don’t you miss it? We have so many fun inside jokes! People who didn’t go to Chapman would NEVER understand what we mean when we refer to The Filling Station or make fun of Sub Connection. They wouldn’t get absolute joy that it is to attend Chapman University with genuinely no problematic things happening! Like maybe problematic things are happening, but isn’t it so much more fun to just think about what a kooky, kwazy school we go to? So insane! Isn’t Hashinger Basement scary? Aren’t the stairs in AF so annoying? Aren’t those Dodge kids so self-centered but also the coolest guys on campus? God, this school is QUIRKY. We even run around in our UNDERWEAR once a semester! Name a quirkier school. Like, wow Chapman is such a great place and going here is always the best all of  time. We truly have no problems and our piece of the Berlin Wall is bigger than the one at LMU. This school is totally rad (sunglasses emoji). 

Here’s the precedent Struppa just set and how YOU can abuse it

By not immediately firing John Eastman for his role in the insurrection at the capitol, Struppa signalled many things to the student body; that he’s a little bitch for conservative donor money and that he has a teeny tiny dick. But most importantly: as a member of Chapman University, you cannot be punished for speech that incites violence. This is big news.

You should expect to see a lot of things change on campus. The QDoba ladies now have NO incentive to be nice to your entitled ass when you say “umm can you give me more chicken..?” In fact, they can legally tell you to kill yourself. There's nothing you or anyone can do about it. That's the way things are now. Legally. 

Asked your professor for an extension on a project you had two months to work on? Don't be surprised when she sends you an email telling you she's gonna curbstomp you in front of Leatherby Libraries. Because she can do that. By law.

YOU have the opportunity to abuse this, just as John Eastman has abused the title of “Lawyer” for the past 130 years at LEAST. Struppa sent you an email that he didn’t even sign? You can respond however you like. You can literally do anything imaginable. What’s he gonna do about it? He’s not the fucking emperor of Chapman. You are. Legally. 

What I wouldn't give to go back to those Friday night lights…

I know I’m not the first guy to say that Zoom University just isn’t the same as our classic college days. Shotgunning Natty Lights on the lawn, chilling in Leatherby with the bros, taking the circle by storm on Undie Run… I miss it all. But if there’s one thing I miss the most about Chapman, and I think you know what I’m about to say, it’s those freaking Friday night lights. 

The roar of the crowd echoing through the stadium is a sound I’ll never forget. The energy when the team ran out onto the field? Unmatched. That feeling of Panther pride at the big game is something I know we all will cherish, no matter where we are now. You know, my buddies and I would always show up early to get the best seats in the house. That’s how dedicated we were. I just wish we could go back… especially to the end of the games when they would be like, “sex is like.” Oh wait I think it might’ve been Thursday night lights. Yeah wish I could go back to those Thursday night lights in Irvine Lecture Hall with the boys. 

Things I’m Not Going to Tell My Mom I Did During my First Semester of College

Spent $105 on Urth Cafe matcha lattes

Took my mask off to suck a film production major’s dick during Tenet. 

Told my Women’s Studies breakout group I was bisexual so they would like me more (I’m not)

Smoked a cigarette with a group of six guys who refer to each other as “homies.” 

Got COVID-19 from the film production major’s dick.

Snorted cocaine off of Stephen Galloway’s ass.

Jk that one was just a dream lol.

Got a stick and poke of my grandma's name on my ribcage even though she’s a little bit racist. I just didn’t know what else to get.

Bought 55 coat hangers after Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed into the Supreme Court

Did the walk of shame November 1 in a space cowgirl costume on the Chapman Shuttle 

And the only reason I know he is a film production major is because he has it in his Instagram bio?? That’s literally so embarrassing.