Updated Chapman Budget Allocates Funds for Additional Dean

After some meddling little weasel journalists posted some supposedly ‘controversial’ finances online, Chapman chose to re-evaluate its budget, downsizing Struppa’s salary and doubling Dean Price’s PantherBucks (inflation). The new budget now accounts for the seven-figure salary of Dean Baniele Buppa. “Baniele’s the best! He’s such a charmer, and he wears the best hats!” Says Struppa, while clicking “No Tip” on the IPad at Contra. Oddly enough, we didn’t speak to the two together, as Struppa disappeared into another room moments before Buppa’s arrival. “It’s blasphemy. Some Redditors think I’m just Struppa with a different mustache and a fedora” claims Buppa, “but even if I was, where would I buy such silly items?”. According to the Chapman Visa bill, Amazon Prime Same Day Delivery. On an unrelated note, we recently heard that Bisa Barks(NOT Lisa Sparks in a wig) recently launched her 2024 presidential campaign! #GetOuttheVote #PanthersatthePolls

Bring Back Bullying: Someone Needs to Tell This Guy He Fucking Sucks

So, I just recently found out that this guy I know was talking shit about me. Specifically calling me a “bug eyed bitch he was just using to get on the Kumquat.” Well, guess what, he didn’t get on the Kumquat. He also is a male manipulator hidden behind nail polish and a pearl necklace. And yeah, maybe bullying is wrong or whatever, but sometimes people deserve it. And by people I mean the whitest man alive who appropriates AAVE when he’s literally from Illinois. Like seriously, for 21 years, nobody told you that the sound of your voice is like listening to a baby cry on a plane while “What Does the Fox Say?” by the Glee Cast plays in the background? Nobody told you that your presence in a room is worse than drinking expired chunky milk? At least I can throw expired chunky milk in the trash. I’ve never been more certain that someone deserves (and also has) a small penis. LOSER ALERT! Please, for the sake of the ecosystem, bring back bullying. The men who have never been bullied before NEED to be humbled.

Cool Professor is Liking Me Too Much….

This semester I made it my goal to become besties with my older, leftist, long hair, and bisexual professor. He seems like he would give me super good TV recommendations, like Game of Thrones or something that I’m too young to truly appreciate. Oh my gosh I was so excited! Until I got a little too close….. He started eating my sliced apples off my desk and giving me a little wink. Everyday I walk him to his car and he tells me about how his partner (wife) divorced him after he got a DUI. But lately he’s become so demanding as a friend…. it’s all me me me, not ‘let's talk about our friendship and the longevity of it’. And then yesterday I saw him hanging out with ANOTHER one of my classmates. She looked like she was asking him for a recommendation, but I’M THE ONE, not you slut. Whatever, I’m not walking him to his car. Please I need this, all my friends have a special professor friend, and I thought he was going to be mine. 

UPDATE: did not get an A+, bigggg fall out. 

Professor Hides Secret Clause in Syllabus that Names Him Beneficiary of your Will

“It really blows. Things that have been passed through my family for generations, our timeshare in Santa Barbara, my grandmother’s wedding ring, our secret family flan recipe, that I wanted to pass on to my own children… they all belong to Dr. Bradleys now.” Students in Contract Law 203 were shocked to find that the syllabus they all haphazardly agreed to at the beginning of the semester contained a devastating secret. Professor Nathan Bradleys had tricked his students into signing away all their worldly possessions. “I wanted to teach the students a lesson about contracts: always read the fine print! It’s obviously been an important one,” Dr. Bradleys explains, “So I took control of their estates. Big deal. That’s the mellow part, clearly nobody bothered to read section B4 where it says, ``On their wedding nights, I get to consummate all of their marriages.”

Inspiring New Charity Gives Dweebs A Chance to Get Laid

Here at the Kumquat, we are all about one thing: telling people we’re on staff after drinking too much. Also, charity. This month, we’re shouting out one specific charity that’s really made a difference in the community. When junior Brady Shuppert first came to Chapman, he had no idea if he’d ever boink his bonker. But after his first performance, he found his life irrevocably changed. “It went from ‘yes and’ to ‘yes ohh yyeaaahh’”. Improv Inc operates on a standard that everybody, especially really funny nerds, deserve a chance to get their funny bone tickled – and suckled if they so please. Improv Inc plans on putting all funds towards a scientific study on the research topic  ‘sex is like…’.  “If you wanna ‘support’ our cause, we just need a person, a place, and my thing.” Oh Brady, you dirty DAWG!!!!! As comedians ourselves, we’re thankful to have Improv Inc. making strides in such an under-the-radar community. Change is possible, take note infographic warriors.

Pete the Panther Pushes for More Ethnic Names for Panther Statues

You better hide yo kids, hide yo wife, because Pete the Panther is outraged over the lack of ethnic names for Panther statues. “If these silly muthafuckas think Harriet and Shanna are good enough, they’re wrong. Deadass,” stated Pete the Panther steppin’ out the house in his black leather jacket and beret. When asked why he so heated, Pete said, “Maannnn, if you have to ask me that, then you must not be payin’ attention, on God.” And he’s right. We have not been payin’ attention.

Pete’s push for name diversity has attracted supporters and what he calls “a bunch of haters.” BSU president, Treymayne Washington, stated in a press conference, “We claim him. But lowkey, Ion think that man black.” Member of Chapman Republicans, Craig DeSantis—no relations—has formally opposed Pete’s position. As he bulldozed the piazza to make way for fracking, he claimed, “The statues are already black! You can’t get any more ethnic than that.” But Pete remains strong, holding his raised fist high and chanting “The revolution will not be televised.”

The K Cooking: Thanksgiving Turkey on a Budget

1. Season turkey cutlets with salt and pepper. Add to uncovered ripping hot pan. Let olive oil splatter onto the counter.

2. Drop potatoes in boiling water from high altitude to allow the water to splash out onto the counter and stove top. Once potatoes are fork-tender, drain water and add the rest of roommate’s butter and mash (note: if roommate doesn’t want you to use their butter, then use the rest of their milk instead).

3. Plate your dry turkey cutlets and mashed potatoes on two different plates. When done eating, leave both plates on the counter to attract flies and ants. Leave unwashed pot and pan in sink for roommate to clean.

4. Take another pot and pan and coat them with oil and leave those in the sink as well, for no fucking reason other than to give your roommate more shit to deal with.

5. Drop roommate’s favorite mug on the ground, the one gifted by their late grandma. If big pieces remain, break them into smaller shards that can’t be repaired. Tell roommate to “get off your back” even though you knew how much that mug meant to them.

Happy Thanksgiving! No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

It’s Thanksgiving time again. Or, in other words, it’s time for all of my extended family members to ask me if I have a boyfriend. Well, guess what, the answer is still no. And even if I did have a boyfriend, I can guarantee that he would not be more interesting to talk about than me. Have you met the guys that go to Chapman? My response to this boyfriend question is consistently, yearly, met with some sort of sympathy, sadness, or shock. And then THAT’S IT! No further questions. Well, guess what! Little do you people know, I just recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. Right after I discovered the cure for cancer and landed a plane full of 200 passengers safely on a lake. Yeah, that’s right. I also invented a new language, wrote a new encyclopedia with it, and sold it to Elon Musk. Now I have a guaranteed Twitter check mark. But just to answer your question, no I do not have a boyfriend. Sorry. Thanks for asking me something about myself, I guess.

From the Editor's Desk

BOOO!!! 

Did I scare you? It’s me, the anti-editor. I know, it’s been a while since you heard from me. I’m an aloof kid, figuring it all out one day at a time. I took a long break to travel the world. I went to the furthest coasts (newport) and the highest mountains (laguna) to try and find myself and figure out exactly what I wanted to take a stand against. 

After years on the road, I’ve decided I am anti-cars that smell like the cheese stick wrappers from when I ate those eight cheese sticks two hours ago. I don’t know where I’m going with this.

OH! one fun secret staff update: I almost got “coup d’etat”-ed (violently overthrown). Apparently it’s hard to have a leader who “does not like anything, including this job (unpaid) and the other writers (stupid).” I got out of it by threatening to post my nudes on the Instagram (ugly).

In-Person Classes Canceled After Lincoln Statue Comes to Life and Eats Puppies and Children

Chapman has mandated all classes immediately switch to online instruction after the newly installed Abraham Lincoln statue came to life and, according to Dean of Students Jerry Price, “ate, like, a fucking kid and her dog, goddammit.” The “fucking kid” was high schooler Dani Peralti who was touring campus with her family and little pomeranian when, at the stroke of nightfall, the Lincoln statue lept from its platform with glowing crimson eyes and attacked the group. “Its jaw unhinged like a python and consumed my daughter in one gulp,” mother Jennifer Peralti lamented. 

When approached for comment, Daniele Struppa, Norma Bouchard, Matt Parlow, Colette Creppell, and the rest of the Chapman administration refused to leave the salt circle they placed inside the Fish Interfaith Center. “Are you all fucking stupid? What are you doing here, the statue might hear us!” Matt Parlow noted. Dean of Ancient Evils Salaazar Bloodhorne was more optimistic of the situation. “All according to plan…,” he mused.

Man Bitten by Chapman Robot Now Werewolf-Robot-Thing

On a class trip to see the Boston Dynamics Robots in Keck, Fifth Year Student Oba Oliberg was unfortunately bitten. “I swear he never does anything like this,” claims the Dean of Mad Science, Dr. Salaazar Bloodhorne, with a robot dog on his lap, “he’s usually such a good boy. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You're a good boy! Yes you are! You are!”. We got an exclusive interview with the bitten student, “It’s got that weird claw for a head and it just reached out and ripped a chunk out of my leg. A few hours later I noticed my skin was turning chrome, it’s fucking weird man.” Incidentally, there have been reports of a large humanoid robot with a claw for a head leaving a trail of battery acid through the corridors of Lastinger. At the crack of midnight, some say they heard a bloodcurdling howl that sounded like, “00101100100010010”.

Feminism Saved: Hot Girl Dresses as Pitbull for Halloween

After watching a Fleabag video essay on YouTube, Audrey Hammond decided to spend this Halloween destroying the patriarchy (and getting shitfaced). “You have no idea how hard it is being this hot all the time,” says Hammond, entirely unaware of how much I pull. This year, Hammond will don a a bald cap and a fresh persona: Pitbull* (*Dawg, not dog). Hammond can’t wait to take her sexiness to the next level, by adding a plurality to her identity that’s bound to increase her likeability tenfold. “I can be sexy and funny,” claims Hammond, before comparing herself to Steinem, Woolf, and Ladybird. Hammond says she’s not better than others dressed like “dirty disgusting pig-snouted whores who bring shame to the feminist movement and should be burned at the stake.” But, her 10.3k followers (microfluencer) will know that she is.

Halloween Cancelled for Gay People due to Lack of Good Couples’ Costumes

Gay marriage was sooo 2015. Now, gay people are as equal as normal people in every aspect but one: couples costumes for Halloween. Where regular couples have Joker and Harley Quinn, gay boys have Kurt and Blaine. Standard folk have Hazel Grace and Augustus Waters, lesbians have Santana and Brittany. Usual people have Harry and Sally, queers have Rachel Berry’s dads. 

“It’s a classic case of straight privilege,” lesbian “person” Ruby Colby ‘23 says. “I wish it was possible to do the classic ketchup and mustard with my girlfriend, but we’d have to do mustard and mustard, and I look terrible in yellow.” 

More homosexuals are speaking out on this issue. “We’re running out of Glee characters,” says Billiam Haunts ‘23, gay. “Last year my partner and I went as Mr. Schu and Ricky Martin when he guest-starred that one episode.”

What can you do? Sign the petition to renew Glee for one more season to bring more costumes to under-privileged gay couples.

Freshman Guy Excited for his First Boy-Girl Halloween Party

Urged by his mother that he is a little old for trick or treating, Jeffrey Ames, freshman computer engineering major, has decided to attend his first coed Halloween party. “Oh man, I just can’t wait. I wonder if Annie F. from Stats class will be there… she could make a great sensual witch.” When our investigator asked Annie F. what costume she was planning on wearing, she told us her options are, “that girl from Pulp Fiction and Mia Goth from X… Like three people have told me I kinda look like her already so, yeah.” 

When asked which is his favorite of those two costume options, Jeffrey told us that his Mom didn’t let him see either of those movies. Jeffrey is planning on being Michael Scott from the Office for the party, because he is 53 years old and formerly worked an office job before reentering higher education, so he’s got business casual covered. “College has been awesome so far. I had my first beer a couple weeks ago… the only thing that could make this better is if I get to grind with Annie F. at the boy-girl Halloween party.” Fingers crossed, Jeff!

A Harrowing Encounter and Definitely not an Excuse: the Marion Knott Ghost Train

Dearest Professor of Cinematic Arts, 

My hands quake as I write this. I was late to your class once again, but I swear by my forefathers that I was stalled by a phantom force—a ghost train! 

I know you will never believe me. I recall your words just last Wednesday, how you told me to stop making excuses and that it was “impossible to be delayed more than two minutes by that train crossing near The K.” But I swear to you now, Professor, had you witnessed this ghoulish sight, you would nary cross those hallowed tracks again. 

Horrible and revenant, the spectral locomotive materialized in a roar of hellfire, its whistle shrieking the screams of a thousand souls! The wheels rumbled the tracks as vampire bats flew overhead. Underneath the billowing death-black steam of its engine sat a skeleton conductor. He laughed a gut wrenching cackle, the sky split in two with lightning, and I watched as the tormented ghosts of LA commuters flew by, fresh from the gates of hell.  

The apparition vanished into the night as quickly as it had arrived, but I was so petrified that I had no choice but to be 33 minutes late to your class. 

My apologies.

Inspiring: There’s a Goblin Up There in the Chapman Bell Tower Who Rings it.

Last Saturday, when the Kumquat Investigative Team went to Fowler to throw rocks at it, we found a secret staircase behind an antique pipe organ. And after ascending countless floors full of spooky spider webs, ghastly gargoyles, and a “Law Student” we met Ginkgo Globnar, the man behind the bell.

At first, Ginkgo’s goblinoid, hunchbacked, and generally grotesque appearance was quite frightening. But we soon learned that looks can be deceiving!

It turns out Mr. Globnar is on work study, and as long as he rings the bell three times per day (once when Starbucks opens, once for midday prayer, once when Starbucks closes) the school allows him to seek refuge in the dank, windowless crawl space.

Ginkgo grunted something about “crushing loneliness” and “wanting to be loved” but at least he’s getting free room and board–that’s one lucky goblin! He also tried to follow us out of the tower, but his dedication to the job and his shackles made it impossible! 

No matter how you slice it, Ginkgo is an inspiring example of work study in action!

Weekly Horoscope: Which Circle Celebrity Are YOU?

Aries: Walking stick man. Super aloof and a goof.

Taurus: Palm porch watcher. The vibes feel a little off but non threatening I think.

Gemini: The bouncer at Paul’s. WAY too tall. Almost too tall. Almost.

Cancer: An outside Starbucks cigar smoker. I hate you but also I’d miss you if you were gone.

Leo: The lady who tells me never to get an abortion. Dramatic and extremely passionate.

Virgo: “Just getting drinks” at Bosscat on a weeknight. (Not derogatory)

Libra: Someone who shops at Laurenly boutique. There’s nothing wrong with it but… no.

Scorpio: The old man who is always carrying patio furniture on his bike. Mysterious, freaky, awesome.

Sagittarius: Shirtless, barefoot, beanie, Bruxie man. Super adventurous but also authentic.

Capricorn: The goose. For all the good and bad reasons.

Aquarius: Deelux worker. So indie it's almost not indie anymore.

Pisces: That one guy I saw leaving the Masonic temple building. What are you hiding?

Follow @kumhoroscopes for more!

So-Called "Communist" Seen at New Chipotle

Don’t be fooled by Chloe Stricker’s pin that claims we have “nothing to lose but our chains”, as they were recently spotted at the worst chain of all: popular fast-casual “Mexican” (racist) restaurant conglomerate Chipotle, an anonymous source tells the Kumquat. Stricker, a junior Peace Studies major, passed by the woman-owned military surplus store, a minority person, and even Wells Fargo without dismantling the system—before entering the tyrannical eatery.

Stricker continued to grease the wheels of capitalism with the blood of the proletariat by purchasing a vegan sofritas burrito bowl before heading to their ‘Borders, Conflict, and Sovereignty’ class. Further investigation from our team of journalists unearthed that Stricker allegedly also has a job, and collects a paycheck on top of that—from her gay boss no less.

Stricker also asked my boyfriend to ‘please wash his dishes’ after he uses them in our house because he “doesn’t live here”, hammering the final nail in their coffin as a full-fledged landlord, apparently. Sad!

Plastic Drawers Linked to Chronic Health Issues (Kumquat’s First Non-Satirical Article)

A recent study by LMU researchers reveals exposure to plastic drawers, the kind often used in dorm rooms as cheap and compact storage, causes chronic illness including but not limited to heart disease, eczema, migraine headaches, high blood pressure, cancer, arthritis, and cystic fibrosis. “These illnesses start when microplastics shaved off by the drawers’ sliding motion circulate in the air and enter the body,” researcher Rael Pearson explains. This means that no matter the origin, be it retail stores, yard sales, or panhellenic Facebook marketplaces, they are guaranteed to cause debilitating, incurable health issues that start immediately and get worse with long-term exposure.

Will Chapman do anything about this? It’s an open secret among donors that Slidecom, a multinational manufacturing corporation that oversees global production of plastic drawers, provides the funds for the majority of Chapman’s operations. Thus they have a stranglehold on the institution’s policies. Both Danielle Struppa and Slidecom CEO Silas Slider ignored our request for comment. It is therefore up to the student body to spread the word about this life saving discovery as Struppa and his cronies wallow in the pocket of Big Drawer.

Wedding Announcement: Your Roommates

Congratulations to the happy couple of the Class of 2026 on their recent engagement! Sparks flew in their undeclared O-week group as they instantly connected over sitting next to each other and being 18. “We feel like we’ve known each other for years!” says Max Wheeler, on Day 4 of his and Tyler Fuchs’ relationship. The pair had a lot of ups and downs this past week, an up being finding out they were roommates, and a down finding out they’re distantly related cousins.

The couple’s third roommate, Brian, is less than supportive of this young queer couple, saying “They’ve pushed all our beds together to make a ‘megabed’ for their ‘Honeymoon suite’,” he explained. “I’ve been sleeping on a pleather couch in the study lounge all week. I’m so cold man.” he says, homophobically.

Nevertheless, the couple plans to move forward with their ceremony—officiated by their OL and taking place in the 4th floor Pralle-Sodaro study lounge. Open invite to all panthers except Brian!