Yes, I’m Looking for a Fourth Roommate. No, It Can’t Be You.

Look, I can see why you’d wanna be my fourth roommate next semester.  No, really, I get it!  It’s just that I’d rather room with literally anybody other than you.  “Ughh, sorry!” I know, “what a shitty situation.”  Look, if it were up to me – and it completely is – I definitely wouldn’t room with you. That said, I’m sure my other two roomies would also agree with me.  Because of that, I’m gonna give you a unanimous and enthusiastic “no.” 

Why? Shit, how long do you have? You play Roblox on full brightness until 3 AM, you listen to cryptid hunting podcasts out loud, and you… scream in ecstasy when you brush your teeth?  That’s not even accounting for all your tirades about why AI is good because it can make “guilt-free” child porn, why the British Empire was a net positive for the gene pools of the world, and why you believe that Greenland should be replaced with a unified state for “God’s children.”  

But hey, if you could, like, spread the word that I still need a fourth, that would be great. I hope you have a great time as an RA at Glass next year! My apologies in advance to your poor, poor residents.