I need to get this off my chest.

Dear Diary….

With Halloweekend approaching and guys at their absolute creepiest, we wanted to compile a list of ways to get that weirdo the fuck away from you.

Dodge student, Mason Dick, Film Prod ‘23 plans to file a claim against Netflix for copyright infringement for recent Korean Netflix hit Squid Game, which Dick claims to have written for his Dodge AP Film.

Last Saturday, freshman Creative Writing major Riley Jones expected a normal night at Beta with her “biotches.”

Make a little ghost out of toilet paper and put it on the bathroom counter to spook your roommates.

I’m vaxxed. COVID is gone (duh.) Now, i NEEEED to lick some stuff. Here’s a list of all the stuff my tongue is gonna touch this O - week:

After being a part of what was dubbed “one of the funnier nutrition science classes I’ve ever taught” by her professor last semester, junior Audrey Woodward plans to take her brand of zoom humor to campus.

After a full year, the time has finally come for the resurrection of sweat, tears, and moral ambiguity that is a college fraternity party.

Checking in with the department of Residence Life & First Year Experience about their O-Week plans, the Kumquat learned that Chapman is sending out mandatory waivers and NDAs to all incoming freshmen, specifically for the coveted Playfair event.

What the hell were you thinking accepting an admission offer to “Chapman University”?

Senior OL Mason Meyers spent the last three months scouring the internet for the latest trends that the Class of 2024 created in order to relate to them; his findings are quite troubling.

There’s a new editor in town and he’s your worst fucking nightmare.

Recently, the Kumquat launched into an emergency investigation when one of our writers was like, “Hold on, do you guys remember, like, the Chaptones and stuff? Where are they?”