Don’t Worry, Senior Prank Still On

Class of 2020 let me hear you mute those motherf*ckin mics! Resident Kumquat Senior NiceGirl666 here and I’m not gonna lie, bros, this shit blows d*ck. In a bad way. This was supposed to be OUR year. The one where we got to do some cool ass prank that cements our class’ place in Chapman history, like a pigeon shit covered bust near the library. Listen, we had some amazing years together. We survived Playfair, we survived cilantro lime chicken and we will survive this stinky pandemic. We’ll remember it all, the undie run blackouts, the ROAR of the crowd at a legendary lacrosse game and, especially, Paul’s Piazza Pasta Party hosted by Marybelle and S.Paul Musco in the Fahmy Attallah, Ph.D. Piazza.

 I want to be positive, but I can’t. Not when we’re unable to culminate our years of course evaluations with a GODDAMN SENIOR PRANK. Therefore, I propose we stick to our ORIGINAL plan. The one we ALL agreed on. That’s right, Chapman Class of 2020 is going to hold in their pee. I know, iconic. Then, right before the Duffer Bros conclude their Stranger Things fanfic of a commencement speech, we let it loose, absolutely pissing our stoles. I’m talkin’ newborn puppy meets Austin Powers fresh out of a coma asparagus pee vibes. 

Class of 2020, I love you. We are epic. We are pranksters. We are damaging our kidneys. We are Chapman.  

Health Update: Dodge Sophomore needs Artsy Undie Run pregame or She Will Combust

Sophomore Film Production major Lauren Dib is in critical condition. “It’s been 70 days since my last Dodge party, and as Undie Run approaches, I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”  Dib shared. When we began to ask about her thoughts on the pressing global pandemic, she interrupted, near tears, “I just need to wear my bedazzled pink cowboy hat and take disposables again. I’m growing weaker day by day.” Shortly after, Dib called her doctor and begged for an appointment. Dr. Robert Naturman told us, “She is not experiencing a single medical issue right now. I am trying to help my patients who are truly struggling, also please stop interviewing me.” Dib mailed us an unopened box from a Fashion Nova lingerie haul, which was covered in blood reading, “If I’m not wearing lace underwear and a white button down shirt, I’ll die.” Dib has ended up turning to a “home remedy” of laying on the floor of her dark bedroom listening to the audio of the one year ago snap memories in her Target sports bra. 

P-Safe Has Swords Now

The Kumquat sat down with officers Matt Davidson and Kendall Kearnan to ask them how things are changing: “Up until now, we’ve relied on verbal intimidation to fight crime on campus, but now, with this pandemic we had no choice but to use swords. The consensus was unanimous, we had to do it like they did with The Black Plague in 1342.” said Davidson “Just look at the statistics! Ever since we’ve implemented Operation Sharp and Pointy, campus crimes have gone down 1,000%” added Kearnan “We knew we needed these ancient weapons of war to fight the real issues on campus, the ones that people refuse to talk about, lurking in frat parties and Economic majors dorms. The issues that are dividing not only Chapman, but the world as a whole: Dragons.”

13 Reasons Why I Deserve To Fuck Timothée Chalamet

1. I am in Dodge. 

2. I am the next Greta Gerwig (probably).

3. I know curly haired film boys. 

4. Whenever I see business major, Lexi Freund, post on her insta story with a Timmy Tik Tok, I scream at my phone. Liking him does not give you a personality. This is white on white cultural appropriation. 

5. I have a friend of a friend who lives in New York and knows someone who maybe fucked him. It’s crucial that I have the opportunity to befriend my future eskimo sister. 

6. Ok, so you saw Little Women? i AM Little Women. 

7. I have great tits. 

8. I made a sign that said “I need a haircut and also to get railed by Timothée Chalamet” at the anti-social distancing protest in the circle I attended with my grandparents. 

9. I got on a plane headed to New York. Fuck the government, fuck frontline workers, fuck me Timothée. 

10. I’m outside Timothée’s apartment. Ever since the protest I have been feeling icky (specifically flu like symptoms with an aggressive cough and congestion). Hot of me. (temp wise)

11. After Timothée didn’t answer the door, I came back home and ate bagels with my grandparents, which are Timothée’s favorite food!!

12. I went to my grandparents’ joint funeral.

13. I am severely disappointed in Timmy’s lack of attention towards me. I’m over him. I have information that he spread chlamydia to most of NYU. However, I have heard that Harry Styles is quarantining in LA and we all know he’d go down on me...

Students Look Forward To Spending Three Months at Home After Three Months at Home

As spring semester winds down, Chapman students everywhere can’t contain their excitement at the prospect of being responsibility-free. That’s right, it’s summer, the only time of year where you can finally sit around the house and do nothing!

“Summertime is here!” proclaims junior Anne Elise Babel. “The only thing that got me through quarantine was smoking and day drinking in my Orange house. Now, I can’t wait to return to my Presbyterian family, where I have to pretend I’m saving myself for marriage. Plus, the only guy that sells weed in my hometown is a registered sex offender! I can’t wait!”

“I hated online classes because they sometimes made me remember what day it was!” complains grumpy grad student Maiya, who is working towards a war and society masters for some reason. “Now that classes are over, I’m saying fuck it to memorable experiences and letting those days melt into weeks, baby! Time to loosen my grip on reality and the very concept of time as a forward progression!”

 All this Kumquat journalist has to say is, at least you don’t have to write dumb satire articles about a niche campus culture that hasn’t existed for 2 months. 

An Ode to Undie Run

Zip, slosh, stomp, clink

Take off your pants 

And Merideth Heika sip a goddamn drink 

This is an ode to the beautiful, an Ode to the Wise

This is an ode to the people that even shaved their thighs

I can’t wait to see you in the box inside of zoom

But disappointed our privates won’t be going boom boom

We grieve for the traditions we will miss

We grieve for all the “just-friends” we will not kiss

I long for the pregame, my friend fucked the host so it’s chill

I long for my 8am final the next day, and for all the advil

I want the pre-pre games with the lukewarm beers

I want to see the girl from italian 102 who I sometimes flirt with and we’re both with our friends so we aren’t gonna like talk for a long time but we say Hi and then she disappears.

Reminiscing now, I weep for all that I remember.

Undie Run, I beg you, please come back in December 

The Kumquat’s Guide to Sex

SAFE

Condoms are in short supply. The CDC has asked that you sew your own.

Cyber-sex is in! Meet your partner in your Igloo, or at the Dojo!

Stay six feet apart. If you don’t have the length... that’s on you my guy.

The only true form of safe sex, as we’re all aware, is ass play.

BUT, for some of us, no sex is an option. Fire off a horny tweet, admire the curves on your favorite wine glass, and call it a night. 

DANGEROUS (HOT)

Simultaneous kickflips off the DMAC parking garage, but you’re inside each other the 

whole time. 

Chainsaws (No mask)

Okay so it’s like the kiss from the Tobey MacGuire Spiderman but you’re eating butt instead. 

Rollerblades (No helmet)

Fuck with your puffle watching XD

Are you familiar with the phrase “bomb coochie”?

Panther Village Residents Allowed To Stay Because Honestly Who Really Cares

Last month, students from Pralle to The K packed up their dorms & made the long journey back to the Bay. However, one group of on-campus residents stayed put. The Kumquat has learned that Chapman is allowing students at Panther Village to stay in their apartments because honestly, whatever. Located somewhere and currently holding some number of students, PV is the number one housing choice for students who just found out Glass is full. Despite the risks of staying in campus housing, students seem to feel relatively safe. One RA was quoted as saying “How would the Coronavirus find Panther Village? My friends can’t even find Panther Village.” This development has been a rare victory for an apartment complex 47% of the school doesn’t believe really exists, a group known as “PV Deniers”. Despite a global pandemic, it looks like Panther Village will remain Chapman’s premiere spot to hide my murder victims. 

Friend’s Coronavirus Podcast “Uninspired”

Senior Tommy Beckendorf’s new podcast is proof that just because you have time to make something, doesn’t mean you should. The podcast, titled “Coronaviral,” is as interesting as a ninety-minute butt-dial voicemail and equally unintelligible. Hosted by Tommy and his colorless friend Derek, the first episode delves into topics like Tommy’s bitch of a mother, Derek’s hot take on This Is Us, and how “ahead of his time” Andrew Yang was. The show attempts to differentiate itself by having everyone drink Corona beers, a primarily visual gag on an audio podcast. 

“Coronaviral”’s release was preceded by a weeklong social media campaign, where Tommy and his friends posted black screens on their Instagram stories with the caption “monday. 4/13. #bringyourowncorona.” Tommy describes the show as “just a couple of guys hanging out.”

“We just wanted to give people a little bit of light and laughter in these crazy and uncertain times,” says Tommy at the beginning of each episode. Unfortunately, this podcast lacks both light and laughter, and only makes the listener want to socially distance themselves from Tommy’s shitty voice. Maybe next time, Tommy should invite his comedy writer friend who’s both interesting and free on Wednesday nights? Just a suggestion. ;)

RA Struggles to Adjust Back to Lawless Home

Kaylee Jones is having a difficult time back home in San Jose after being stripped from her title of Pralle Resident Advisor. “I have to share a bathroom with my brother again,” Jones said. “He refused to complete a Suitemate Agreement. I tried to have a mediation about his reckless whizzing and massive stinky doodoos, but he just slammed his door and blasted G-Eazy. Even AFTER 10pm.” But Thursday, the stakes rose after an incident with Jones’s mother. “I was in my room when I heard it… The Clink. I rushed out clutching my Clipboard and G-2 Pilot Pen and caught her with an open bottle of Merlot. Before I knew it, I was asking for her ID & reciting Residence Life’s alcohol policy. I almost called P-Safe.” This past weekend, tensions were at their highest after Jones witnessed a fight between her parents.“I decided to plan a program, gather supplies, and plaster Canva posters all over the house to try to help. ‘Divorce and Donuts’ did not go over well. My brother did take like 25 donut holes to hoard in his room, but he didn’t sign in or stay for my presentation.”  

Mom, come here, I need you take another thirst trap of me

Hey. Hey, Mom. Mama. My beautiful madre. Mommy!!! Come on, it’s time! It’s finally golden hour. I just spent 2 ½ excruciating hours getting ready in my room. We’re going to the backyard. We HAVE to take another hot and irresistible, but casual and effortless, picture for my Instagram. I don’t care that you’re almost done with your puzzle- this is urgent. Trevor from English has to see I dyed my hair. The crock pot can wait! My drying eggs CAN’T. Likes from my quarantine crushes are my only source of happiness at this point, and I need to get all 14 this time. 

No! I cannot do another “pre-social distancing” or “take me back” post. Okay, thank you. Can you, like, squat down? Is this lighting good? Wait, my brown eyes in the sun… get closer. Lemme see. Perfect. This could be the one. Yeah, I’m thinking of captioning it something like “in need of a quarantini” or “me before my Zoom class lol.” Maybe even “broke out the jeans, how crazy” or “went to my backyard today.” MOM. Mama. My beautiful madre. Mommy!!! Now portrait mode. 

Roomies Face Homoerotic Subtext

Quarantine with the girls has taken a yearnful turn at a local Dodge house. Confined within the walls of their Orange rental, roommates Bella and Amy are finally forced to face their longtime sexual tension, sources have confirmed. 

During a recent quarantine movie night, Bella tried dropping hints by organizing a Portrait of a Lady on Fire and Carol double-feature. 

Amy was suspicious. “I noticed she clipped her nails earlier that day, but that could be a coincidence,” she tweeted from her private Euphoria stan account.  

Bella opted for a more obvious route with her 5-star Letterboxd reviews, along with a review that reads, “really makes you think huh………….” Despite Bella’s efforts, Amy is still in the vibe check phase. She has been rewatching Glee and closely monitoring the Santana X Britney storyline for clues. Amy told The Kumquat, “I found a Spotify playlist she made titled ‘Her’ full of Soccer Mommy, King Princess, and Girl in Red…. what do you think it means??” 

Bella’s hints continue to stack up, with her TikTok likes showing consistent support of Amy’s skate tutorials. Additionally, Bella’s blog (sapphic-fantasy.tumblr.com) has featured some rather suggestive halved citrus imagery.    

Sources tell us Amy is close to pulling trig. “Fuck it, we’re seniors,” Amy said. “I think it’s about time to have my first orgasm.” 

It's raining? What the fuck?

Guys did you notice the insanity of what has been happening this weekend... it’s fucking RAINING? I mean...rain in sunny Orange??? What the heck?! This feels like the apocalypse! This never happens! It never rains here! The clouds are so big and so grey! And the streets are so, so wet! It feels like we are all living in some crazy movie...like a movie where it is raining! You can tell it’s raining because when you wake up in your Davis Apartment the light outside is dim and it sounds like someone is shaking seashells in a cardboard box! So calming! I will say... I love the smell of the rain and how it leaves everything so clean. I can’t believe how crazy this all is! The rain, baby!!! Look at it!!! 

How to Flirt in Zoom Class

1. Create a discussion thread on Blackboard Canvas where you simply review each of the hot people in your class on a numerical basis. People love honest feedback. 

2. DM hot classmates on Instagram even if you’ve never talked saying you know how Canvas works if they need help. Maybe accidentally send a nude and reply “oops how did that get there”

3. Wear a low cut shirt during your Zoom class and “accidentally” flash the camera to see if anyone’s paying attention. Can be one boob out or two, it’s up to you. 

4. During your one on one skype session with your hottest professor, steer the conversation to be about how mature you are both emotionally and physically given that your immune system is super strong and you “could probably make out with like anyone right now.”

5. Make sure to hang a sex swing behind you that is in frame for class, so that you can hint to people how freaky you are. This one is the most subtle. 

6. Reply all to your professor’s panicked emails with how you’re really disappointed by the Trump administration’s handling of the recent pandemic.  That’s really smart of you and being smart is hot.

Black Announcement

Caucasians, 

The Kumquat’s resident 1.6% back again. Firstly, don’t worry Whites, we’ve still got the topical Valentine’s content you were probably expecting and as long as you support VOC (Voices of Color) you can head to the back page and check it out after I say my piece, it’s EXTRA horny this month. A little bit about myself, you may know me from such articles as...literally any of the black ones. What you may not know is that I was RETIRED. I no longer had to play Michael Che to the Kumquat’s MANY Colin Josts and I found actual inner peace. I had no lists to write (“Top 10 Ways to Avoid Telling Your Dodge Friend They’re Just Not Talented”), no hot takes to drop— nothing. I spent a month and a half freeballing, watching Love Island, and wondering whether or not Doja Cat wants Nigerian babies. 

Interterm ended, Black History Month rolled in and things should’ve only been looking up from there. The whites of Chapman should have been doing nothing but groveling, mailing me bricks of Shea Butter, and giving me free reign of the aux at kickbacks — but no. This was not the case. In fact, a few days in, some no top lip having ass, daddy’s money, Young-Sheldon-bodied, Hitler Youth had to run his mouth and insult the beautiful blacks, the lovely gays, as well as the beautiful and lovely black gays of Chapman University. So I’m back.

I’m back because someone has to make white people feel guilty, and frankly, I’m the best at it. History books tried. When you didn’t want to finish your saltless, stewed carrots, your parents tried (“Kids in Africa would love to have this food!”)  God (or whoever) theirself tried but one of you cheeky buggers had to go and invent sunscreen. Well, God’s not here anymore, I am. I don’t care if you have $2.35 or 50 million dollars. I’m back to make you feel guilty talking about your crisis bangs when you could be talking about the crisis in Flint. I am here to steer the conversation from Baby Nut to any of George Washington Carver’s 105 ways to prepare the peanut and the importance of crop rotation. I’m here to look any blonde person in the eyes and say, “Have we met before?” when I know we have.

I know what you’re up to White Chapman and I will be here to foil you at every turn. Administration, I know Ben Shapiro is still sending “U up?” texts, and I know they still get you a little wet. Frat boys, you’ve been singing the N-Word since I got here, I will make a citizen’s arrest one of these days. White women...rude of you to even think about Pete Davidson while Yahya Abdul-Mateen is still alive. Actually— rude of you to even think about Pete Davidson. Anyone I didn’t get to, just know racism is a system, and if you’re benefiting from the system you should probably venmo every black person you know just to be safe. 

Calling All #GirlBosses, It’s Recruitment Season!

Oh my god, hey girl! Those boots are so cute! Is your definition of women supporting women getting more female friends to comment things like “HOT” or “omg stunning” under your Instagram posts? In that case, I, the kumquat’s resident sister, really think you should consider rushing. Where else could you have conversations with other women on topics like favorite pizza toppings, favorite TV show, or your most scarring incident of childhood trauma? Let yourself be freed from all of society’s stereotypes about being female by talking to another girl for five minutes and then have her rank you on a numerical scale! #girlboss!!!

We all know that the best way to fight the patriarchy is by getting a spray tan and wobbling around in 5 inch heels for a weekend in between cries and panic attacks. But hey, the next time one of your male friends talks about how stressed they are about getting into a frat, at least you are now allowed to literally punch them in the face because their rush is just talking about DaBaby while wearing board shorts in the backyard of a frat house. But anyways, #gogreek and find your #girlgang!