Female Student Devastated to Learn the Hooves Guy Calls Everyone “Sweetheart”

When the Hooves Guy began referring to junior, Haley Klein, as “sweetheart”, she was a little offended by the misogynistic undertone. But, as she returned day after day for her Peach Vibe Celsius and Elfbar, the way he asked, “How are you doin’, sweetheart?” just started to sound… right.

“It’s just different coming from him,” she thinks, “I should ask him when his birthday is so I can get him a present.” She didn’t question his intentions at all when he posted security footage of two girls being unknowingly recorded, “It’s not creepy, he just doesn’t know how Instagram works. It’s cute uncle-core.” 
On Wednesday afternoon, Haley walked in and was met with the usual, “How you doin’, sweetheart?” “I’m so good, how are–” But, before she could get the sentence out, another girl, Addie Kirkland, walked in and was immediately greeted by Hooves guy, “Sweetheart. How’s it going, today?” 

“She’s not sweetheart. I’m sweetheart! I’M SWEETHEART!” Haley screeched before crumpling to the ground into fetal position. Not knowing how else to react, the Hooves guy snapped a photo and posted it on Instagram, complete with bad graphic design, text overlay, and watermark: “Crazy female freakout @hoovesliquor”.

Dodge Unveils Star for Alumni Who’s in “That One Show”

“Nothing is more important to us than our alumni and the amazing work they do across so many different fields,” said whatever the Chair of Dodge’s name is, “Which is why we are thrilled to unveil a fourth star on our prestigious Walk of Fame for Janet, who plays girl number 3 in the new season of that one show about college kids!” This announcement was met with halfhearted claps and confusion from students who weren’t sure if Janet played that one friend that had one or two lines or if she played that other character that maybe had three or four lines? “If it weren’t for the rigorous screen acting degree and training I received here at Chapman University,” proclaimed a tearful Janet, “There is simply no way I could have delivered my three lines with the appropriate emotion and gusto. I am also super excited to announce that according to Deadline, I have just booked the role of Waitress #7 in the fourth episode of the new Girls Reboot: Boys!”

HARROWING: RA gets Insane P*ssy

This just in: despite having a “Chastity and Churros” community event just last week, Henley Hall RA Max Richie has been getting absolutely insane amounts of pussy, cock, and balls. According to residents in Mr. Dick’s “Fenestra Living Learning Community,” the unbridled  sound of passionate and intense lovemaking can be heard nearly 24/7, with a line of Chapman’s most eligible waiting their turn in the hallway. 

“I thought it’d be nice to live next to the guy who gives me lockout codes,” says freshman resident Brett Abramson, “but every waking hour the wall shakes, quivers, and bursts with the uncontrolled cries of pure ecstasy. I can’t sleep, I’m so aroused.” 

In order to investigate why some fucking hall monitor has a higher body count than us, we sent our investigative agent, Kummy, to the scene. Returning bow-legged, Kummy reported that besides “manipulating a position of power to exploit underclassmen for personal gain,” RA Richie also had a “huge cock.” 

Guess that means we’ll be showing up to the “Salsa and Studying” event next Friday! Hubba hubba!

Student a “Nationally Recognized Scholar,” Says Unsolicited Letter from Credible Organization

What would you do if you were better than everybody else? This is a question Geordie MacMalton, freshman, never thought he would confront until earlier this month when he received a letter from the National Society of Prodigious Scholars that graciously extended an offer of membership for a donation as small as $200.

Not only is Geordie now recognized as the undisputed champion of Chapman smarts-wise, his mother is also taking advantage of the prestige. “Who knew that a plain old bumper sticker that says ‘My student is in the NSPS’ would open so many opportunities for me?” says Lottie MacMalton, 67. “Now I’m the CEO of NASA and own 5 banks.”

Being so smart, Geordie MacMalton was able to graduate early with a BA in every major from MacMalton University (formerly Chapman University). World powers are now eagerly awaiting the young academic’s next move after the bombshell announcement last week that Geordie has received an envelope from the National Association of Honors Scholars.

From the Editor's Desk

Alright, I’d like to get one thing straight right off the bat. Despite the rumors, I, Skwunk, do not have any association with George Santos, nor do I look like, sound like, or am George Santos. Now that that’s cleared up and out of the way, let’s get right into the Dear Skwunk question for this month:

@majorbaggage asks: Dear Skwunk, tote bag vs. backpack for the new year?

I have to be honest and say that I think you’re asking the wrong question here. Tote bags and backpacks are OUT. OUT and LAME. The new tote is “just a garbage bag”. Hefty brand, preferably. I also think it’d be smart to invest in a roller backpack before Bella Hadid gets papped rolling one around in her underwear and mini Uggs. I’d also urge you to consider why you’re even asking this. Are you having to carry a lot these days? Maybe get checked for scoliosis. I was recently diagnosed with “Skwunk-iosis”, which is where my spine actually is made of a non-newtonian fluid, similar to your common slime or Oobleck. Doctors are working on a solution, but if you don’t hear from me, just know it’s probably spread. 

LYLAS (Love you like a Skwunk!)

Correct Opinion Piece: Stop Settling for Bruxie

Hey Panthers, this is day 29 of the new year. I’m thoroughly committed to my resolution- “Stop Settling for Bruxie’s”- but it’s so hard! I get out of my class in Doti and I’m hungry. What do I see? Bruxie! Walking out of Dodge and what’s right there? Bruxie! Leaving The Circle and what’s on the way back? FUCKING BRUXIE! It’s too convenient- like a temptress, she teases me with the smell of syrup and the promise of chicken. But my wallet can’t take it! How can I possibly afford my hoity-toity private school education if I’m blowing all of my parent’s money on a strategically placed fried chicken restaurant! I can’t believe I stooped low enough to be peer-pressured into giving a 30% tip to a guy with no shoes! Am I really gonna stand by while my friends with cars get to drive to Canes? How far have I fallen, just for some chicken (sometimes dry)? Well, not just any chicken- even if it makes me feel like a groungy little trash goblin, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, right? Fuck it, I need a Fold It!

Chapman to Phase Out BA in Making Lots of Money

It was recently announced that Argyros School of Business will no longer be enrolling new students for their hugely popular and successful BA in Making Lots of Money. Though the major was just introduced, it is to be completely dissolved by the end of May with no recourse for those on track to graduate.

 Many claim that it was dissolved because it required students to work at least 7 semesters as distributors for Herbalife, a trustworthy company. Such an argument ignores the fact that a typical semester as a Making Lots of Money major includes a wide breadth of courses such as How to Be Your Own Boss: Making 60k Per Month and How to Definitely Sell Herbalife Herbal Supplements. 

“This major was a stain on our university, [but] students...made…so…much...[money]” claims Chief Academic Officer Norma Bouchard. With regards to her first point, we would like to note that she didn’t have a single Herbalife supplement or nutrition drink anywhere in her office, so her ability to hear other sides of the story should be taken with a grain of salt.

Interterm Is My Year Of Rest And Relaxation

Interterm isn’t real and I’ll tell you why. I’ve just woken up and it’s 3:42 pm on a weekday (though I couldn’t tell you which one). I slept through my class this morning and despite the fact that I’m missing 73 assignments, I know I’ll pass because who the fuck takes a real class during interterm?

I’m living. I’m laughing. I’m writing this while on 70 mg of xanax. I’ve been challenging and stimulating my brain by showing up to class high out of my mind and treating it like it's some sort of mini game. I then go home for some self care and drink a bottle of wine with my roommate starting immediately at 12:51 pm. I’ve managed to watch all of Skins UK in the span of 4 days. I am Effy Stonem (my eyeliner is smeared and I just learned what a k-hole is on accident).

And as January comes to a close and the Anderson Parking lot once again becomes a warzone, I’ll cherish the stillness of Chapman while I can: No lines at The D, freedom to walk around campus without running into a Hinge match, and the glory of Beckman first floor bathroom not smelling like nuclear warfare. Interterm forever, baby – I’m healing. (Can someone sell me adderall?)

New Dance Building Leaves Dodge Kids Needing More Attention

Kumquat reporter Kummy headed to Palm and N. Cypress street to investigate the brand new, state-of-the-art dance center. However, outside, Kummy reported he saw a “sad group of three.” Why so sad? Kummy put his investigative skills to work. The group was Sally Lopez (PR&AD), Ash Whole (SW), and Lens Cap (Film Prod). When asked about the new dance building, Sally sniffled, “I don’t even care. I’m happy for them. Whatever. All they have going for them is being able to dance.” Ash had a different take on the new building. “Dance isn’t even a real sport. You know what is a real sport? Set.” He whined, stomping his feet. “Dodge rules. Dancers drool. Dodge is number one. DODGE IS NUMBER ONE. DODGE IS-” Lens cut him off, sobbing. “WAHHHH!!! What about me?! Pay. Attention. To. MEEE!!! I’m going to burn this building to the fucking ground.” Kummy fled the scene. He never did make it into the new dance building, but we’ve been told it is really awesome.

Sorority Fucked for Recruitment After Token "Funny Girl" Drops

Alpha Phi was left in the lurch this past week when senior Screenwriting major, Zoe Fromm, decided after 3 years of carrying the weight of the entire sorority’s personality on her shoulders that enough is enough: “They made me DEI chair and I genuinely believe it's just because I’m a little bit funny and have a nose ring.” 

When Zoe told her Alpha Phi president, Jillian Stickupherass, that she was dropping, Jillian got down on hand and knee and begged Zoe to stay. “I was surprised since I’m pretty sure Jillian never liked me anyways; last recruitment she screamed at me for wearing cream instead of white on Values Day. I think she just wants me to stay because I’m the only one who even vaguely knows what our philanthropy does— something about blindness?”

With Zoe no longer around for recruitment, Alpha Phi had no chance at tricking PNMs into thinking there are “alternative” aka regular people in the sorority. As a last resort, President Jillian forced Alpha Phi’s social chair, Casey Slicker, to cut bangs and join the Collective. “If that doesn’t work, I can just come out as like, pansexual or something… I mean, there’s no way to prove that.”

“Interterm was so fun!” Says Friend Who Took Easy Elective

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. For unemployed, booed-up sophomore Allison Thomas, life has never been better. “My interterm class is really interesting,” she said. “We microdose shrooms, then watch a Gaspar Noè film until the men in my class apologize for it. It’s called Experimental Empathy 137 and I’m taking it as an elective.” she explains. 

On the flip side, students fulfilling their GE credits seem to be one 8 AM no-break-daily-essay three-hour class away from buying a dab pen and doing something irreversible. Laura Kim ‘23, shared their experience in Spanish 201. “Don’t wait until senior year to do your language requirement guys,” they said. “Learn from my mistake or just drop out now.” 

The grass is always greener, Panthers. For those with no bitches, working a horrible minimum wage job, and Chegging their way through that damn Quantitative Inquiry GE, life could still be worse—some people spent all of January in their childhood home and their fucking bitch mom* keeps telling them to do their laundry even though they were literally just about to do it.

*Mom if you’re reading this, it’s about someone else

From the Editor's Desk.

Bahhh humbug. As the anti editor, I sat in passive resistance to the holiday season, audibly going “urghhhhuhhhhhhbooooo” whenever I saw anything red or green for the last three months.

Butttttt…. as the big(but non hierarchical) boss around town who no one believes is real, I think me and Saint Nicholas have a few things in common. He gives out presents to kids all around the world, and I’m a communist(probably? need to read up on it). He drives a sleigh powered by christmas magic(environmentally friendly), I drive a prius. 

Historically, there have been two camps of thought when it comes to Santa Clause, usually divided between children and adults. This December, I choose to PROUDLY align myself with the third camp: adults who believe for exclusively contrarian reasons that Santa Claus is real. Even though he’s never stopped by my house, this year I wrote him a really nice(anti-mean) letter and got him Crumbl cookies, so I’m sure I’ll report back on December 26 with good news.

12/26 Update: No presents this year from Mr. Clause, BUT I did find a bunch of coal in my backyard yesterday morning so that’s pretty sick. Maybe next year he’ll give me the vibrator I asked for.

"The K" Secret Donor Finally Revealed

Since its unveiling, the true identity of the K’s benefactor has been widely debated, but what if I told you that the answer has been right in front of you… all… along… 

Surprise!!!!!! It’s us!!!!! ‘The K’-umquat!!! Get it? I’m sure you're like, “Woah! Where’d you get the money for that?” It’s a long story but basically, our dad only gave us, like, 100k to start out and was like, “Invest, invest, invest!” And we did, right? And then we bought the K, and then from there have just grown, like, a very diverse financial portfolio. 

Our most recent investment is actually The Train Next to the K™, and it’s been… kinda awkward. They were like, “Yeah, we have to move the Train™ over 50 feet, cause it’s on a fault line, so… the K has to be torn down immediately.” And obviously that sucks, but like, maybe we could do something about it, if y’all… idk… got our Instagram to 10k or something? Not in a blackmail way. Just like, you do something for us that makes us happy, otherwise, I guess you’ll have to say goodbye to your precious little K. Guess that’s just what happens when we’re rich and you’re not!!!! Sawwwrrrry!!!!

Waitlists Resolved by Awesome Battle Royale

After over admitting hordes of anxious, tryhard freshmen, Chapman waitlists are at an all time high. As students claw and seethe for a chance at taking Spanish 102, provost Sally “Deathblow” Shredder has put forth a brilliant new initiative.

“Lets have them fight to the death,” says Deathblow, “if they want the seat that bad, lets see them hold their own in a Mad Max style free-for-all. Spot goes to the last one standing.”

This brutal battle royale will be held in the newly renovated “Wilkinson Blood-dome,” an elaborate arena complete with spike pits, supply drops, and weaponized Keck robot dogs. And while the new bloodsport is optional, hundreds of underclassmen are already slated to compete.

 “I just think taking French 201 early is worth the risk,” says freshman soccer player Cindy McDevitt, “it will be good for my four year plan, and I think my priority registration gives me access to a flamethrower.”

New Study Shows Set Pics on Instagram Directly Correlated to Amount of Sex Had

Lights… Camera… Sex?  No, we’re not talking porn, we’re talking horny Dodge majors constantly posting their set pics! Many attribute high sexual appeal to a person who’s consistently on set and therefore bound to do big things. Nothing gets a girl wet quite like a photograph of a gimbel. “I just want to be held the way he holds that boom mic” says Nina Ayres, sophomore, who hooked up with her classmate after seeing him post about funding his thesis. So film prod majors and wannabe film prod majors (creative producing), be sure to link your thesis to every social media account you own and don’t forget those little vine award film festival stamps since film posts with laurels are PROVEN to increase a man’s chances of making a chick orgasm by fifteen percent (so now there’s a seventeen percent chance!). If your thesis is 4k resolution and above, pucker up buttercup, and hope those fingers can do more than just edit on AVID. Film Production plans on celebrating this win with an orgy at some guy with a mustache’s house.

New Chapman Club Where They Watch Different Movies

Campus is dead. This school has gone to the dogs. Tumbleweeds drift across the piazza, the halls of Beckman lay empty and QDoba is a ghost town. It seems that nothing is getting students excited anymore. Well, all that is about to change. Chapman Community, let's give a warm welcome to a brand new club, where they watch different movies every week. “Look we get it. There’s a lot of movie clubs here on campus. The Reel Society, Club Documentary, Chapman Film Society, DKA… but there's something we have that they don't: we watch different movies. While they’re watching In the Mood for Love we might be watching La Haine, while they’re watching Dr Strangelove we could be watching movies like The Lobster,” says club president Mason Dickerson (MFA Film Studies) swirling a glass of red wine, “and we don’t just watch these movies… I don’t want to give toooo much away.. You’ll have to see for yourself.. But spoiler alert.. We discuss them.”

Santa Claus is Afraid of Delivering Presents to the “Hood?!”

The Saintiest Saint, Santa Claus is under fire after a 2022 FBI report revealed that those in marginalized communities have not been receiving presents. When pressed for questioning by Kumquat's only Black writer, Santa quickly avoided eye contact, clinched his sack tightly, rushed to his sleigh, and fled the scene.

“I just think it’s really unfair,” stated Kappa Alpha Theta member Chelsea Monroe. “African Americans deserve presents too. I’m sorry, I mean people of color. Not that I see color! That’s just the term they use.”

However, Monroe’s sentiments are not shared by those in the Black community. Qdoba employee, Darrell Jackson, stated, as he smoked medicinal cannabis in front of customers, “Shiiiittt. I don’t need some overweight ass, ho ho ho, nigga comin’ in my house drinkin’ up my milk and cookies. Dafuq! This ain’t a charity.”

His fellow employee, Destiny S. Child agrees with him, commenting, as she claps every syllable, “If this Krispy Kreme filled ass man comes down my chimney, he best believe, it’s on sight!” 

SafeRide to Begin Offering New Service to Naughty Students

Much like the Cold War’s Hollywood Blacklist, many students found themselves on SafeRide’s naughty list this past semester for abusing the service to get to parties, instead of home. For those seeking a safe escort to the party, SafeRide will now offer “SafeStalk”, in which a trained student will walk behind students at a reasonable, yet slightly uncomfortable distance. They will also accompany partygoers into the function to complain about how late it’s getting because they have work tomorrow. When the party draws to a natural conclusion, the SafeStalk representative will walk the student home but accidentally take them the wrong way so they will have to spend more time getting to know each other. 

After a long walk, the SafeStalk will then enter the student’s house to make sure they’ve completed their homework and ask if they can use their bathroom. After using their toothbrush, the SafeStalk will ask to sleep on the couch, because they’re tired and (remember) they have work tomorrow. Chapman hopes SafeStalk will promote healthier habits amongst students, like friendship, as well as solve the supposed housing ‘crisis’ from the beginning of the year.

From the Editor's Desk

Seasons greetings pussy cats!

Sometimes, around the holidays, I feel like an outcast. A black Skwunk of the family. I don’t like tossing anything, especially the “pigskin” with my fugly cousin Jarod, and my grandma thinks I am a no-good floozy. I especially hate it when I have to sit and watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade with my crazy uncle Gravy, who loudly barks and growls every time the Garfield float appears on screen. To put it plainly, I had a lot of time to think during this Skwunks-giving break and decided that I could answer a few questions sent in from readers, such as yourself. 

This question is from @naughtygirl55 on Instagram. “Dear Skwunk, I’ve been thinking a lot about the fragility of life lately. What do you think happens after death?”

Well, @naughtygirl55, I hope that heaven is like being tucked into bed, but the blankets are made of ferrets who tickle you with their toes. Hell is probably just like being one of the people holding onto the Garfield float in the Thanksgiving Day parade while my crazy uncle Gravy bites your ankles for all eternity. Anyways, ttyl. 

Smooshies my pooshies, 

Baron Von Skwunk

Guy Participating in No Nut November has “Big Plans” for December 1st

This year, freshman Biochem major Richie Clark is saying “Yes!” to No Nut November. “My balls are the biggest and fullest they’ve ever been,” he said in regards to his sperm-filled testis and veiny, throbbing cock, “I’m going to unload unlike ever before. Just watch.”

Though some have told Clark that he’s “oversharing,” his roommates are fully in favor of the challenge. “This has been really good for the 6 of us with one dorm bathroom. He used to spend 45 minutes in the shower but now it’s gone down to just 3!”

While discussing his “manhood,” Richie Clark shared some vulnerability: “I ran into my past hookup in The Caf and they didn’t even lend me their support. Yeah we haven’t spoken since O-Week, but it’s really opened my eyes to how selfish people can be.”

Upon finishing the interview, Richie Clark and the visibly uncomfortable Kumquat reporter (male) couldn’t ignore the built up sexual tension and homoerotic subtext as a result of discussing his neglected member at length. Clark, with whispery breaths and trembling hands could feel himself almost bursting at the seams. “I don’t think I can do this anymore…do you have 7 minutes? A hole’s a hole.”e