Last Saturday, when the Kumquat Investigative Team went to Fowler to throw rocks at it, we found a secret staircase behind an antique pipe organ. And after ascending countless floors full of spooky spider webs, ghastly gargoyles, and a “Law Student” we met Ginkgo Globnar, the man behind the bell.

See which silly little celebrity from the circle you are from your zodiac. If you’re a lucky duck, you may be the goose. Follow @kumhoroscopes for more!

Don’t be fooled by Chloe Stricker’s pin that claims we have “nothing to lose but our chains”, as they were recently spotted at the worst chain of all: popular fast-casual “Mexican” (racist) restaurant conglomerate Chipotle, an anonymous source tells the Kumquat.

What is Chapman hiding?

Congratulations to the happy couple of the Class of 2026 on their recent engagement!

I am smart. I am sexy. I am humble.

brb urban dictionary-ing BOFA

THE RA’S HAVE GUNS NOW MOTHER FUCKERS