explain the rule of thirds one more time pwetty pwease </3

The beneficiary thing is just the beginning

LET’S GET FUCKIN LAID

You better hide yo kids, hide yo wife, because Pete the Panther is outraged over the lack of ethnic names for Panther statues.

It’s Thanksgiving time again. Or, in other words, it’s time for all of my extended family members to ask me if I have a boyfriend.

Chapman has mandated all classes immediately switch to online instruction after the newly installed Abraham Lincoln statue came to life and, according to Dean of Students Jerry Price, “ate, like, a fucking kid and her dog, goddammit.”

On a class trip to see the Boston Dynamics Robots in Keck, Fifth Year Student Oba Oliberg was unfortunately bitten. “I swear he never does anything like this,” claims the Dean of Mad Science, Dr. Salaazar Bloodhorne, with a robot dog on his lap, “he’s usually such a good boy. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You're a good boy! Yes you are! You are!”.

After watching a Fleabag video essay on YouTube, Audrey Hammond decided to spend this Halloween destroying the patriarchy (and getting shitfaced). “You have no idea how hard it is being this hot all the time,” says Hammond, entirely unaware of how much I pull.

Gay marriage was sooo 2015. Now, gay people are as equal as normal people in every aspect but one: couples costumes for Halloween.

Urged by his mother that he is a little old for trick or treating, Jeffrey Ames, freshman computer engineering major, has decided to attend his first coed Halloween party.

Last Saturday, when the Kumquat Investigative Team went to Fowler to throw rocks at it, we found a secret staircase behind an antique pipe organ. And after ascending countless floors full of spooky spider webs, ghastly gargoyles, and a “Law Student” we met Ginkgo Globnar, the man behind the bell.

See which silly little celebrity from the circle you are from your zodiac. If you’re a lucky duck, you may be the goose. Follow @kumhoroscopes for more!

Don’t be fooled by Chloe Stricker’s pin that claims we have “nothing to lose but our chains”, as they were recently spotted at the worst chain of all: popular fast-casual “Mexican” (racist) restaurant conglomerate Chipotle, an anonymous source tells the Kumquat.

What is Chapman hiding?

Congratulations to the happy couple of the Class of 2026 on their recent engagement!

I am smart. I am sexy. I am humble.

brb urban dictionary-ing BOFA

THE RA’S HAVE GUNS NOW MOTHER FUCKERS