Mom, come here, I need you take another thirst trap of me

Hey. Hey, Mom. Mama. My beautiful madre. Mommy!!! Come on, it’s time! It’s finally golden hour. I just spent 2 ½ excruciating hours getting ready in my room. We’re going to the backyard. We HAVE to take another hot and irresistible, but casual and effortless, picture for my Instagram. I don’t care that you’re almost done with your puzzle- this is urgent. Trevor from English has to see I dyed my hair. The crock pot can wait! My drying eggs CAN’T. Likes from my quarantine crushes are my only source of happiness at this point, and I need to get all 14 this time. 

No! I cannot do another “pre-social distancing” or “take me back” post. Okay, thank you. Can you, like, squat down? Is this lighting good? Wait, my brown eyes in the sun… get closer. Lemme see. Perfect. This could be the one. Yeah, I’m thinking of captioning it something like “in need of a quarantini” or “me before my Zoom class lol.” Maybe even “broke out the jeans, how crazy” or “went to my backyard today.” MOM. Mama. My beautiful madre. Mommy!!! Now portrait mode. 

Roomies Face Homoerotic Subtext

Quarantine with the girls has taken a yearnful turn at a local Dodge house. Confined within the walls of their Orange rental, roommates Bella and Amy are finally forced to face their longtime sexual tension, sources have confirmed. 

During a recent quarantine movie night, Bella tried dropping hints by organizing a Portrait of a Lady on Fire and Carol double-feature. 

Amy was suspicious. “I noticed she clipped her nails earlier that day, but that could be a coincidence,” she tweeted from her private Euphoria stan account.  

Bella opted for a more obvious route with her 5-star Letterboxd reviews, along with a review that reads, “really makes you think huh………….” Despite Bella’s efforts, Amy is still in the vibe check phase. She has been rewatching Glee and closely monitoring the Santana X Britney storyline for clues. Amy told The Kumquat, “I found a Spotify playlist she made titled ‘Her’ full of Soccer Mommy, King Princess, and Girl in Red…. what do you think it means??” 

Bella’s hints continue to stack up, with her TikTok likes showing consistent support of Amy’s skate tutorials. Additionally, Bella’s blog (sapphic-fantasy.tumblr.com) has featured some rather suggestive halved citrus imagery.    

Sources tell us Amy is close to pulling trig. “Fuck it, we’re seniors,” Amy said. “I think it’s about time to have my first orgasm.” 

Greek Life Calls Coronavirus a Little Bitch

While coronavirus is causing global hysteria, Chapman Greek Life has their own take on how to deal with the pandemic. “I keep getting Facebook invites for frat parties and part of me is like, woah that’s so unsanitary but the other part of me wants to get really drunk and forget that any of this is happening to me,” says Anna, a senior. 

But don’t worry, precautions are being taken. “We’ve been spraying febreeze like crazy so you don’t have to worry. Plus the parties are now byob (bring your own bong) and we aren’t all sharing mouth stuff,” says Chase, a junior in Fiji. He also said, “personally, I’ve made the decision to socially distance from girls who aren’t at least an eight so I’m really taking this shit seriously.” Senior Clint Frenson takes it a step further saying, “Imma slam it doggy only.” 

“I’m going to as many parties as I can because I want to get asked to a frat formal,” says Emily, a sophomore who’s hot enough where she doesn’t really feel a sense of impending doom. We tried to remind her that frat formals are cancelled but she was already deep into her bottle of peach New Amsterdam that she refused to share because of “gross”. Just know that Chapman frats want you at their parties instead of quarantine except please don’t bring hand sanitizer since it’s alcohol content is over 15% :(  

It's raining? What the fuck?

Guys did you notice the insanity of what has been happening this weekend... it’s fucking RAINING? I mean...rain in sunny Orange??? What the heck?! This feels like the apocalypse! This never happens! It never rains here! The clouds are so big and so grey! And the streets are so, so wet! It feels like we are all living in some crazy movie...like a movie where it is raining! You can tell it’s raining because when you wake up in your Davis Apartment the light outside is dim and it sounds like someone is shaking seashells in a cardboard box! So calming! I will say... I love the smell of the rain and how it leaves everything so clean. I can’t believe how crazy this all is! The rain, baby!!! Look at it!!! 

How to Flirt in Zoom Class

1. Create a discussion thread on Blackboard Canvas where you simply review each of the hot people in your class on a numerical basis. People love honest feedback. 

2. DM hot classmates on Instagram even if you’ve never talked saying you know how Canvas works if they need help. Maybe accidentally send a nude and reply “oops how did that get there”

3. Wear a low cut shirt during your Zoom class and “accidentally” flash the camera to see if anyone’s paying attention. Can be one boob out or two, it’s up to you. 

4. During your one on one skype session with your hottest professor, steer the conversation to be about how mature you are both emotionally and physically given that your immune system is super strong and you “could probably make out with like anyone right now.”

5. Make sure to hang a sex swing behind you that is in frame for class, so that you can hint to people how freaky you are. This one is the most subtle. 

6. Reply all to your professor’s panicked emails with how you’re really disappointed by the Trump administration’s handling of the recent pandemic.  That’s really smart of you and being smart is hot.

Chapman Too Horny

Isolation isn’t treating the Chapman Community too kindly. Senior Chet Chetsky said, “I miss person to person contact. I miss my hot professor. But at least I still get to see his broad shoulders on zoom.” The students are all capital H HORNY and the pandemic seems to be cockblocking them hard. Horny tweets have risen an alarming 63% as social media users are crying out for literally anyone to come and shack up with them in the recently penned “coughing season.” Shana O’hara said she is so tired of receiving texts saying, “I would spit in your mouth...but the climate” or “I’d rail you so hard, but it is irresponsible to go outside”.  

There’s nothing the student body doesn’t want to fuck. Chetsky tweeted that “the morlan couch is lookin like a damn snack” on Tuesday and it has since been covered in an alarming wet spot.

In a recent “ask us anything lol” someone asked the Kumquat, “I think my boner is too full. Should I go to Urgent Care?” And we think you should reach out to your dad’s doctor friend first.

Stay healthy panthers, and try to pretend your hands are someone else’s. 

The world is ending, I should text my ex, right?

In the midst of this chaos, I have decided that now is an opportune time to reach out to my ex. You know, I just have to make sure she’s feeling ok. I’m not like trying to get back together or anything. That would be crazy. Unless she like wanted to or something. But like that’s for sure not the main goal. I wasn’t even thinking about that. I don’t like desperately miss the way she smells so I gave my roommate the Tresemme shampoo she used so that when he walks past me it feels like she is there...  I just think it would be nice to check in to see if she needs soap or toilet paper or nonperishable goods or someone to hold her tight and tell her that everything will be alright. But like mainly I’m just concerned about her health. I’m not worried about those guys in her instagram stories recently, this is purely about her well being. Obviously, whatever she needs I’ll drop everything to provide that for her but like in a platonic way. We’re working on remaining friends, even though we haven’t talked in like 2 months. I still consider her to be my best friend so I'm worried about her. I’m also not stressing over the fact that she hasn’t checked in on me yet or anything. She probably just remembers that I have a strong immune system.

What Was Left When I Went to Ralph’s

Protein Packed Chickpea Pasta

I don’t need more protein. I have so much protein. From all my meats (currently frozen).

Flamin’-Hot Ruffles

Who the fuck smoked too much marijuana and thought this was a good idea? Whoever thought this was a good idea should be arrested. Just thinking of them makes me want to cry.

Meatless-Vegan Jerky

A fake product. This is probably worse for you than cigarettes.

Lemon Oreos

The moment one of these disgusting dog treats touches your tongue you age 60 years. 

Dasani

No comment.

Caramel M&Ms

Bitch, buy a Milky Way.

Edamame Pasta

Not real pasta. Slime incarnate. I’m angry now.

Kidney Beans

No thanks.

Cheerios 

Psych Cheerios fuckin rock. You know we’re starting the morning with a hearty breakfast. No cholesterol for me.

Muscle Milk 

Once again, I don’t need more muscles. I have so many muscles. From all my meats (again currently they are in the freezer).

Why I’ll allow myself to be penetrated by a Dodge King

It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m horny as FUCK. I know that Valentine’s Day is just a heteronormative holiday that reinforces monogamy in a capitalist society...but baby I Don’t Give A Fuck. I need a goddamn cock in my mouth.

After watching that Little Women shit, I’ve been horny as hell for Timothy Chalamay. (Chalameigh? Camelllet?), He’s inspired me to seek out guys in Dodge — specifically the kind that comment, “Actually it’s called a film” when I use the word “movie” in my Letterboxd review.

I never thought I would stoop this low, but I’ve already hooked up with all 3 guys in Wilkinson and now I need a Kyle from Lady Bird-Type to mansplain why social media is “seriously harming my mental health” even though we met on Grindr. I want a nicotine-addicted, Beautiful Boy type, whose face is shaped like a bicycle seat for me to sit on. And I wanna be fucked like a tight little peach sitting somewhere in Northern Italy, 1983.

Wait, I guess… I just want to fuck Timothée Chalamet(?) Timothée if you’re reading this, hit me up. Until then, I’ll settle for any boy with brown hair in Marion Knott Studios.

Why is it so cold? And other questions the white writers have been thinking

Why is it so cold? Where does the wind come from? How do scarves work? Since it is so cold, where did the hot go? Does Chapman care about their students? Am I still hot? Who gets to decide if I’m hot or not? Why are sunGLASSES made out of PLASTIC? Which is more “woke”, Lyft or Uber? So, is it more of an “I have to decide I’m hot thing?” Is it cultural appropriation if I get the coronavirus? If I’ve never had love, does that make love a lie or does that make me a virgin? Is it cultural appropriation if I don’t get the coronavirus? Does it matter if I’m hot if I’m still sad all the time? What do “walk in hours” mean? If one foot hurts and then I want to rest that foot, but then I overwork the other foot, now I have two hurt feet? How do I switch from being cute to being hot? Can my new hotness make it less cold? Why is it so cold? Why is it SO fucking cold?

An Open Letter to the AF Stairs

Dear AF Stairs, 

First off, your existence is chaos. How are all of your steps both too narrow and too wide? I genuinely don’t know the length of stride I should take. Also, don’t give me that “being a spiral staircase is hard” bullshit, because I just spent some time in Europe and they have many spiral staircases that understand the math of how to make every step the same distance, even though they are on a consistent rotation. Your purpose is to be walked on, yet you’re so slippery— why? Do you want me to need two steps for each stair, or one? 

Maybe, I’m being too harsh. Maybe I’m trapped in my dated, eurocentric, standards of what it means to be a staircase. You don’t have to make sense to be a good staircase, you just have to be called “stairs.” You challenge the norm and that makes you special. So AF Stairs, be my date February 14th? I’d love to walk on you, if you’d let me. 

Lemme know, 

Confused & Horny 

Romantic Date Spots

The Filling Station:

Is there anything more romantic than fucking pandemonium? Well welcome to The Filling Station, cupid. In this constantly full three-star hellhole, you can look over your belgian waffle and watch the person you love eat a shitty wrap next to an ineffective heat lamp. Congrats.

FISH Interfaith Center:

FISH is an acronym. It stands for Fuck It. Sloppy & Horny.

Improv Inc Show:

After you suggest dildo, everyone’s gonna laugh at your epic joke, and your hot sexy date will totally want to smooch. 

Brot:

Where is it? I don’t know. What do they have? Like toast or something(?) But if you’re asking out a sorority girl for Valentine’s day, there’s a 87% chance she became obsessed with Brot some time in the last two months, at least its not Philz.

Black Announcement

Caucasians, 

The Kumquat’s resident 1.6% back again. Firstly, don’t worry Whites, we’ve still got the topical Valentine’s content you were probably expecting and as long as you support VOC (Voices of Color) you can head to the back page and check it out after I say my piece, it’s EXTRA horny this month. A little bit about myself, you may know me from such articles as...literally any of the black ones. What you may not know is that I was RETIRED. I no longer had to play Michael Che to the Kumquat’s MANY Colin Josts and I found actual inner peace. I had no lists to write (“Top 10 Ways to Avoid Telling Your Dodge Friend They’re Just Not Talented”), no hot takes to drop— nothing. I spent a month and a half freeballing, watching Love Island, and wondering whether or not Doja Cat wants Nigerian babies. 

Interterm ended, Black History Month rolled in and things should’ve only been looking up from there. The whites of Chapman should have been doing nothing but groveling, mailing me bricks of Shea Butter, and giving me free reign of the aux at kickbacks — but no. This was not the case. In fact, a few days in, some no top lip having ass, daddy’s money, Young-Sheldon-bodied, Hitler Youth had to run his mouth and insult the beautiful blacks, the lovely gays, as well as the beautiful and lovely black gays of Chapman University. So I’m back.

I’m back because someone has to make white people feel guilty, and frankly, I’m the best at it. History books tried. When you didn’t want to finish your saltless, stewed carrots, your parents tried (“Kids in Africa would love to have this food!”)  God (or whoever) theirself tried but one of you cheeky buggers had to go and invent sunscreen. Well, God’s not here anymore, I am. I don’t care if you have $2.35 or 50 million dollars. I’m back to make you feel guilty talking about your crisis bangs when you could be talking about the crisis in Flint. I am here to steer the conversation from Baby Nut to any of George Washington Carver’s 105 ways to prepare the peanut and the importance of crop rotation. I’m here to look any blonde person in the eyes and say, “Have we met before?” when I know we have.

I know what you’re up to White Chapman and I will be here to foil you at every turn. Administration, I know Ben Shapiro is still sending “U up?” texts, and I know they still get you a little wet. Frat boys, you’ve been singing the N-Word since I got here, I will make a citizen’s arrest one of these days. White women...rude of you to even think about Pete Davidson while Yahya Abdul-Mateen is still alive. Actually— rude of you to even think about Pete Davidson. Anyone I didn’t get to, just know racism is a system, and if you’re benefiting from the system you should probably venmo every black person you know just to be safe. 

Calling All #GirlBosses, It’s Recruitment Season!

Oh my god, hey girl! Those boots are so cute! Is your definition of women supporting women getting more female friends to comment things like “HOT” or “omg stunning” under your Instagram posts? In that case, I, the kumquat’s resident sister, really think you should consider rushing. Where else could you have conversations with other women on topics like favorite pizza toppings, favorite TV show, or your most scarring incident of childhood trauma? Let yourself be freed from all of society’s stereotypes about being female by talking to another girl for five minutes and then have her rank you on a numerical scale! #girlboss!!!

We all know that the best way to fight the patriarchy is by getting a spray tan and wobbling around in 5 inch heels for a weekend in between cries and panic attacks. But hey, the next time one of your male friends talks about how stressed they are about getting into a frat, at least you are now allowed to literally punch them in the face because their rush is just talking about DaBaby while wearing board shorts in the backyard of a frat house. But anyways, #gogreek and find your #girlgang!

Interterm Course Catalog

Chet Hanks Teaches Jamaican Patois 

Massive! You might know that Tom Hanks son, Colin Hanks, went to Chapman University. What you might not know is there’s another son, and he didn’t go to school at all. Instead, Chet Hanks spent years perfecting his Patois in the whitest house in America- and now he wants the students of the whitest schools in America to reap the benefits of his hard work. Big up! Chune in! MWF 7-10. 

Spanish for Seniors 

Puta madre! Graduating in four months and still haven’t completed your language requirement?Muy Bien. This senior-only course is perfect for those who haven’t taken a Spanish class since 10th grade but are convinced they can relearn the language in a four-week-long panic attack. ¡Qué bonita!

Interterm at Sea 

Can’t afford a whole semester but still want that Suite Life on Deck experience? Set sail on a luxurious Duffy Boat vacation around Newport Harbor. The sights are once-in-a-lifetime: Huntington! Laguna! Catalina if you squint!  

Just Youtube Videos

In this experimental Dodge course, students get to just fuckin watch youtube videos. Ten hours a day. Six days a week. It’s just YouTube videos. You’re welcome. We do not talk about the videos between videos. If you talk about the video you will be removed. This will help you in the industry, you’ll thank us later. First video: Charlie bit my finger. 

Downtown Disney 

If you don’t have the annual pass required for the Disney interterm class but still want something useless to fill your January, look no further. This 1.5 credit class consists of a lecture series about why Jazz Kitchen is the best restaurant and a field trip to the Lego Store. There is a $300 lab fee and parking is not included

Explaining Your Major for SCC Students

Do you struggle making small talk at house parties because even you don’t know what your major does? Take this class and you’ll have an easier time correcting people who think it’s  “SEC” 

Sophomore Settles for Interterm Friend Group

Ah, Interterm. A magical time of year where lines are shorter, weeknights are freer, and everyone you actually wanted to see is inexplicably in London or The Philippines. For Trevor Catalan, this spinoff semester features acquaintances such as: Eric, a peripheral member of his orientation group, Chloe, who he laughed with in a class once, and other people that he would normally not acknowledge on campus.

Catalan’s weeknights have been filled with forgettable games of rage cage, group screenings of The Bachelor where half the people have never seen the show, and intimate birthday parties where he knows maybe two people.

“These two weeks have been maybe the hardest semester of my life. Like, suddenly, Reece Vogel thinks he can just hit me up to smoke,” vents Catalan. “Fucking Reece Vogel. And the worst thing is, I tell him yes! What else am I going to do?”

Tensions rose last week (Yesterday), when Catalan casually referred to the group as “The B-Crew” and was ostracized for being the first to vocalize what everyone was thinking. However, he was saved by the group’s collective need to have anyone to talk to at all.

Optimist piece of shit actually follows through on resolutions

As Chapman students ease into the new year, many of them ditch their New Year’s resolutions. Loathsome Junior, Brandon Meyers however, has kept his Resolutions thus far. On New Year’s Eve, he took a hard look at his life and decided he needed to make some fundamental changes. A month later, he’s made them. Fucking prick. This shitbag cuckster now takes the O.C. bus and carpools with his shitty colleagues, but only those who have electric cars.

Brandon (an ass) also has stopped drinking and started taking spin classes, in what is likely a cruel prank on the rest of us. This cunt-munching gorilla-fuckface spearheaded a program that provides shuttle services to polling places for the elderly and handicapped, in light of the upcoming election. "I'm just trying to do my part in making Orange a more inviting and unified place," Brandon said, with his punchable face and mouth. Meyers was spotted last week at the Farmer’s Market buying local produce and telling all the vendors how valuable they are to the community. What a fucking creep. As the year goes on, Chapman students can only hope that the University will crackdown on students like this or that he gets hit by his O.C. bus.

Sorry I'd Love to Hang Out, but Interterm has Destroyed Any Concept of Time

Hey, thanks for reaching out! I’d love to hang out this weekend but I don’t know what that is. Or when that is. Or what today even is. Do you know the utter pandemonium that is my life? I have one class a week and my professor cancelled it, LITERALLY anything goes. I was drunk at 4pm and now I’m crossed at 4:12 pm. I’ve Google searched “LA internships film” at least thirty times and I have no clue when any of them are due. Excuse me if I seem a little stressed, it’s just tough when January 31st could be six months or six minutes from now. 

Friend Studying Abroad Will Almost Certainly Be Forgotten

Lindsay Cain is worried about whether or not her friends will forget about her while she’s abroad, but she has nothing to worry about. They will. Things will be a little weird at first, but after a couple of days, they will completely adjust to a life without her, and in a few short weeks will forget if her name is spelled with an A or E. 

Many students struggle with FOMO during their semester abroad, and Cain is no exception. While she explores the exquisite Italian countryside, Lindsay will yearn to pregame Improv Inc. shows at The K. As she tours a vineyard, day drinking and flirting with a hot sommelier, she will wonder if her friends are going to Fiji or Phi Delt tonight.

In order to curb this inevitable amnesia, Cain will facetime her friends at inopportune moments, send 2,000 word email update and swipe up on every instagram story— only for her friends to like the message and not reply. 

When Cain returns, it’ll be super awkward, but only for a day or two, and then everything will be fine. Soon after, she will forget about their friends that aren’t spending the summer in LA.

Freshman nervous for Undie Run due to enormous cock

Undie Run is upon us, and the streets are buzzing. However, freshman Alex McGuire is slightly nervous, and for good reason. McGuire has an enormous cock. Kumquat staff tried to sit down with Alex for an interview but it was no use. His monster dong was simply too big and got in the way. In a written statement, McGuire lamented his situation.

“It’s not fair,” writes McGuire. “If Chapman is so dedicated to having an inclusive campus environment, then where are the accommodations for me and my forty pound hose?” When pressed for comment, administration officials said, “Ew, why’d he call it a hose?” Time will tell how this issue will be sorted out. “I’m just afraid that if I run, it will swing and slap my roommate Trevor in the face. It’s a public health issue.” If unable to attend Undie Run, Alex says he’ll spend the night with his girlfriend Nicole and her “ginormous fifty foot cavernous pussy.”