Grandma Sally, Please Let Me Bring My Embarrassing Boyfriend Home For Thanksgiving

Grandma, I hope this WhatsApp message finds you well. 

This Thanksgiving, I’m officially in a loving relationship with my perfect Pike pookie, Zeke Goobley. We’re finally going steady this semester after a 14-month-long situationship which culminated in me threatening to drown myself in the dorm pool. 

We’re always spending quality college time together, ripping carts in his moldy garage and fighting about when he should hard launch me on his Instagram story. When we go on dates (that I plan, because Google Calendar is difficult to operate for him), he always takes me to the oozingly romantic Subway Cafe. God, he’s SUCH a feminist, he always makes sure I pay for our meals. 

Grandma Sally, I know you’re all into reading Vogue now, but come on, having a loving man in your life is not embarrassing! I know Grandpa occasionally soils himself and forgets your birthday every year, but Zeke is different. Zeke promises to contribute to your beautiful Thanksgiving spread. He said he’d fly his keg out for us if you let him slide through! He’ll be extra careful to make sure all the little cousins get upside down on that thang safely. 

Come On! Let's put the Geno-aside! Chapman Gets Hip Hop on Gaza

In a youth effort move, Chapman has put out what they call a “lit ass statement on g-g-g-aza” to ease student demands to divest funds from Israel, hoping to appeal to what they call the “soul-funk brothers and sisters on campus”.

“Ayo! Time out! SJP this, genocide that; can’t a punk lovin’ “gangsta” have a p-p-peace of mind? We at Chapman hear you crispity clear about how we give phat band to Israel, the promised land, freest mothafuckin’ country in the middle of the fuckin’ east, but sorry Ms. Jackson, we ain’t divesting whack! Did you know Tupac’s from Israel? Uh-huh, Now that’s hot! Did you also know Hamas banned “chilling with your homies at the crib”? Whaaat? Whatchu talkin about Willis!”

In an attempt to be with “it”, Chapman then detailed other pressing issues on-campus that students should focus on. “How about we all protest about some real “rap” shit, yo! Too many nonsense characters causing trouble for our MCs over at p-p-public safety, all because they’re not strapped! Give them guns, man, we’re at war! How about all the ‘fugees and immigrants coming from all over the globe, and stealing your tuition doe! That ain’t hip hop, That’s an invasion! So how about all the boys and girlies unite and keep it Cali in here, cus they not like us! Pussy eating parlow, OUT.

My Rocky Journey as a Serial Killer at Chapman

As a boy, I always knew I wanted to kill people. Other kids on the playground would play tag or “Cowboys and Indians,” while I spent my time killing people. Yup, when other kids were learning science, I was murdering people with a knife and gun!

When Chapman offered me the Ted Bundy Scholarship for Promising Young Killers, I thought this would be a fantastic opportunity for me as a first-generation murderer, pursuing a real dream of murdering full-time. Hell, maybe one day I could even get a cool name like “Zodiac Killer” or “President of the United States”.

But did Chapman deliver? Hardly. Where do I start? Well, for one, the John Wayne Gacy School of Excellent Execution is severely underfunded, and you can’t branch out. What if I wanna change lanes, get dirty with it – Dahmer style? Or what if I wanna be the hero in the story and kill only bad guys, like Policemen or essential workers?

It doesn’t just end there, my friends. Not only am I a murderer, but I am also deeply racist, and I find it ridiculous that there are zero people of color that I can murder on campus. Chapman, I petition you: Do better. Serial Killers exist. We matter.

Chapman Gym to Install Insecurity Stalls

Finally, the voice inside your head (that your therapist tells you not to listen to) has been heard! The Henley Gym will be implementing Insecurity Stalls before the semester ends. These stable-like divider structures will be placed around all the gym equipment as part of Chapman’s new mental health initiative, #WeRThinkingAboutYou (formerly #StopBeingSad). Insecurity Stalls will allow you to do things you always worry about, like wiping your sweat on your shirt, leaving after just 30 minutes, or when you put too much weight on that arm pulley machine and can’t lift it and then you just move to the identical one next to it that doesn’t have any weights on it, just the bar. Even better, you can finally stop worrying about the four girls next to you doing 12-3-30 without reaching for their inhaler. You can use the stairmaster without being inches away from your disgusting reflection! And the best news, you can avoid seeing a single soul, because let’s be honest, nobody wants to see your fugly face anyways. #ThanksChapman!

Dodge Unveils Star for Alumni Who’s in “That One Show”

“Nothing is more important to us than our alumni and the amazing work they do across so many different fields,” said whatever the Chair of Dodge’s name is, “Which is why we are thrilled to unveil a fourth star on our prestigious Walk of Fame for Janet, who plays girl number 3 in the new season of that one show about college kids!” This announcement was met with halfhearted claps and confusion from students who weren’t sure if Janet played that one friend that had one or two lines or if she played that other character that maybe had three or four lines? “If it weren’t for the rigorous screen acting degree and training I received here at Chapman University,” proclaimed a tearful Janet, “There is simply no way I could have delivered my three lines with the appropriate emotion and gusto. I am also super excited to announce that according to Deadline, I have just booked the role of Waitress #7 in the fourth episode of the new Girls Reboot: Boys!”

HARROWING: RA gets Insane P*ssy

This just in: despite having a “Chastity and Churros” community event just last week, Henley Hall RA Max Richie has been getting absolutely insane amounts of pussy, cock, and balls. According to residents in Mr. Dick’s “Fenestra Living Learning Community,” the unbridled  sound of passionate and intense lovemaking can be heard nearly 24/7, with a line of Chapman’s most eligible waiting their turn in the hallway. 

“I thought it’d be nice to live next to the guy who gives me lockout codes,” says freshman resident Brett Abramson, “but every waking hour the wall shakes, quivers, and bursts with the uncontrolled cries of pure ecstasy. I can’t sleep, I’m so aroused.” 

In order to investigate why some fucking hall monitor has a higher body count than us, we sent our investigative agent, Kummy, to the scene. Returning bow-legged, Kummy reported that besides “manipulating a position of power to exploit underclassmen for personal gain,” RA Richie also had a “huge cock.” 

Guess that means we’ll be showing up to the “Salsa and Studying” event next Friday! Hubba hubba!

Updated Chapman Budget Allocates Funds for Additional Dean

After some meddling little weasel journalists posted some supposedly ‘controversial’ finances online, Chapman chose to re-evaluate its budget, downsizing Struppa’s salary and doubling Dean Price’s PantherBucks (inflation). The new budget now accounts for the seven-figure salary of Dean Baniele Buppa. “Baniele’s the best! He’s such a charmer, and he wears the best hats!” Says Struppa, while clicking “No Tip” on the IPad at Contra. Oddly enough, we didn’t speak to the two together, as Struppa disappeared into another room moments before Buppa’s arrival. “It’s blasphemy. Some Redditors think I’m just Struppa with a different mustache and a fedora” claims Buppa, “but even if I was, where would I buy such silly items?”. According to the Chapman Visa bill, Amazon Prime Same Day Delivery. On an unrelated note, we recently heard that Bisa Barks(NOT Lisa Sparks in a wig) recently launched her 2024 presidential campaign! #GetOuttheVote #PanthersatthePolls

So-Called "Communist" Seen at New Chipotle

Don’t be fooled by Chloe Stricker’s pin that claims we have “nothing to lose but our chains”, as they were recently spotted at the worst chain of all: popular fast-casual “Mexican” (racist) restaurant conglomerate Chipotle, an anonymous source tells the Kumquat. Stricker, a junior Peace Studies major, passed by the woman-owned military surplus store, a minority person, and even Wells Fargo without dismantling the system—before entering the tyrannical eatery.

Stricker continued to grease the wheels of capitalism with the blood of the proletariat by purchasing a vegan sofritas burrito bowl before heading to their ‘Borders, Conflict, and Sovereignty’ class. Further investigation from our team of journalists unearthed that Stricker allegedly also has a job, and collects a paycheck on top of that—from her gay boss no less.

Stricker also asked my boyfriend to ‘please wash his dishes’ after he uses them in our house because he “doesn’t live here”, hammering the final nail in their coffin as a full-fledged landlord, apparently. Sad!

RA’s Now Authorized to Use “Lethal Force”

In anticipation of the rabid, delinquent, and ne'er-do-well freshmen that will soon flood Chapman’s innocent community, this year’s Resident Advisors have been authorized to use “controlled violence” in response to conduct breaches. 

“We’ve been trying out the ‘restorative and forgiving’ approach for a while now,” laments Sandhu RD Tom Alejandro, “but these kids are out of control. I lost two good advisors last week, dammit. We need emergency measures.”

These measures are intended to shift the RA position away from “friendly advocate” into the role of “judge, jury, and executioner” and will enable the use of no-knock warrants, shoot-first policies, removal of body cams, and tactical grenades. Parties will be tear-gassed, arguing roommates will be tazed, and rooms suspected of illegal candle usage will be raided via R.A. S.W.A.T. 

Some sissy losers complain that these policies are an “infringement of civil liberties” and that “martial law” is “bad.” However, us patriots at the Kumquat believe that these new changes are badass and cool. Protect the Thin Red Line!

Do Boys Masturbate?: Musings on Male Sexuality

Boys don’t…masturbate do they? Be honest with me. I know they don’t shit or piss but…do they masturbate? I just moved into Henley Hall and it’s my first time being surrounded by boys and I just assumed they didn’t have any gross bodily functions like that? I was raised on a farm by my moms and four sisters and you’d be hard pressed to find a day where we weren't constantly pissing, shitting, rubbing one out, farting, burping etc. but something about boys doing it is just…odd? Like what's the material benefit? You’re the breadwinner, what are you gaining from this? Like you jerked your dick to completion…that’s it? Unsettling. Smell a flower. Eat a corndog. Watch Ghostbusters (Boy and Girl version). Something about it seems…ungentlemanly like. Like leave it to the ladies, you’re a man. You don’t masturbate.

New “Trickle Down” Panther Buck System a Smashing Success

It’s only been two weeks since the brilliant new system–which rewards those with better grades more Panther Bucks and Caf swipes–was put into motion. Already, stocks are up and productivity is high!

This new “supply side” approach, which incentivizes “competition and hard work” by denying any lazy, low-grade slackers the right to eat, has clear results: now that students are under the threat of starvation, the median grade yield is hitting record numbers!

Some snowflake liberals complain that, without access to basic nutrition, students with low grades are too busy starving to focus on grade improvement. Furthermore, those infographic babies even have the audacity to claim that professors are hoarding Panther Bucks for themselves, and that high-achieving students have developed a consumerist lifestyle revolving around Starbucks baked goods and the commodification of those little mixed nut bags in the Rotunda. 

Well guess what libs? I don’t know what “commodification” means! And even if students are buying more red velvet cake pops than they could ever consume, why stop them? They’ve earned it!

So clearly, the system is working. And with talks to implement “dorm hall redlining” next month, it’s safe to say that the “Chapman Dream” is becoming a reality!

Ugly Public Breakup Making it Really Hard to Study For Midterms

On the third floor of Leatherby Libraries, things got messy in an argument between couple Michael Bradley and Lia Jones. "Neither of them would shut the fuck up," one student said. "I have six midterms. I don't give a shit if he's texting Sophie from the dorm pools again." The couple’s breakup also revealed private and embarrassing details about their personal lives. For instance, Lia was known to have picked up and inquired about many of the far-right extremist posters found around campus, while Michael often swindled thousands from fixed-income elderly relatives to support his defunct wet t-shirt cornhole league. 

The argument escalated when both parties began hurling priceless pieces of memorabilia from the Disney archive at one another. That afternoon, a replica of Mickey Mouse’s wand from Fantasia had to be removed from a Freshman’s eye. Public-Safety arrived to deescalate the situation, but couldn’t fit their bikes through the metal detectors. The breakup eventually petered out and students returned to their studies before again being distracted by Michael and Lia’s make-up sex in the War Letters Archive. Hundreds of war-time testimonials and love letters were lost in the bang.

Open Letter From the Street

Dear Kumquat,

It’s me. The street. Glassell is my name, but I doubt any of you even care. I guess you’ve probably heard… my roadblocks were removed. Some say, “new year, new me.” Well I say, Boo year. Boo me. Oh, did you start your 2022 by catching Omicron? Awwww!!!! Poor you. Imagine starting 2022 by getting your face run over by hundreds of cars, over and over and over again. If you had to lay down on my surface and experience the purgatory that is having car after car drive over you without a care… you would be up in arms. Unfortunately, I don’t have arms to be up in. I can handle being stepped on by your tiny little human feet. The whole outdoor dining thing, I thought, really classed up the place, very European. But, now that’s in the past. I’m gonna miss the Laurenly van. I’m gonna misstate drunken middle aged women stumbling out of Citrus City Grille. But now, I’m back to being pummeled by those disgusting machines. I just hope that the next time you drive on me, you will finally hear my screams.

G.

BREAKING: Tuition to be Completely Refunded

You fucking idiot. You really thought? You REALLY thought that we were gonna refund tuition?? God, you should see the look on your face right now. We would NEVER refund tuition. Not in a MILLION years would we even THINK about it. And guess what, we spent it already. Yeah, motherfucker, we spent it. We’re making another Dodge. That’s right, Dodge 2. You wanna know why? You’re inquiring about the significance of a SECOND Dodge? Cause we thought it would be fucking sick. And guess what you piece of shit. It is. It is fucking sick. What’d you think we were gonna do with the money? Give it to the fucking communications majors? So they can communication better?? Hey little newsflash for you, nobody gives a FUCK about communication pal. It’s not even a real major. We made it up to sucker some extra chumps out of 75 grand a year and those idiots FELL FOR IT. In summary: fuck you, fuck your money, see everyone in the fall!

Pete the Panther Quarantining at Home in the Fucking JUNGLE

CHAPMAN - While many panthers struggle to adjust to quarantining at home, one notable Chapman figure lacks sympathy for students. “All I hear is how hard this is for the students” said Pete. “I’d like to see them maintain six feet of distance while absolutely fucking wrecking an antelope for every meal”. That’s right, Chapman’s beloved mascot has taken off his shock collar and is back at home in the jungle. Pete’s mother, Peggy the Panther, tells Kumquat reporters that Pete has been growing frustrated with boredom. “You have to understand, Pete is used to standing in front of tens of roaring fans at Chapman football games. We try to entertain him here, but it’s different” Pete’s been making the most of his time at home however. While his mom and brother just look at leaves and trees and shit like that, Pete has been sprinting at 40 god damn miles an hour through endless natural obstacles while being chased by a fucking tiger just to feel something. “That was exciting. But nothing will compare to when I can finally see Chapman basketball go on a thrilling fourth quarter 10-4 run to win a game 43-36.”

I Want a Baby?

Maybe my circadian rhythm is off, maybe it’s because I keep getting wine drunk at noon, or maybe the constant Little Caesars delivery is throwing my hormones askew. My man-uterus is fucking screaming lately— I think I wanna have a kid. I saw this video where Patton Oswalt made his kid do accents? Picture that! Tiny little baby face but then it says, “Wewl ahm jus gonna jot down to de pub iz ‘at alrah wif you dada?” ACK!! SIGN ME UP!!!

I know I shouldn’t. All I have available to feed a baby is blunt roaches and popcorn chicken, BUT I want one. Do you think I could get a loaner? These couples keep walking past my house with their babies in a stroller almost as if they WANT to give me one. I’m still googling, but as a single man with close to no income right now, it seems unlikely that I’ll be able to get ahold of or give birth to a baby anytime soon. It’s for the best probably, because when this is all over and I can finally unwind I’m going to blackout for two months, wake up in an eastern European sex cult and have to hitchhike my way back to Chapman just in time for fall semester, and you can’t do all that with a baby by your side… can you? 

Friend Studying Abroad Will Almost Certainly Be Forgotten

Lindsay Cain is worried about whether or not her friends will forget about her while she’s abroad, but she has nothing to worry about. They will. Things will be a little weird at first, but after a couple of days, they will completely adjust to a life without her, and in a few short weeks will forget if her name is spelled with an A or E. 

Many students struggle with FOMO during their semester abroad, and Cain is no exception. While she explores the exquisite Italian countryside, Lindsay will yearn to pregame Improv Inc. shows at The K. As she tours a vineyard, day drinking and flirting with a hot sommelier, she will wonder if her friends are going to Fiji or Phi Delt tonight.

In order to curb this inevitable amnesia, Cain will facetime her friends at inopportune moments, send 2,000 word email update and swipe up on every instagram story— only for her friends to like the message and not reply. 

When Cain returns, it’ll be super awkward, but only for a day or two, and then everything will be fine. Soon after, she will forget about their friends that aren’t spending the summer in LA.

Student excited to study abroad in white country

 Sophomore Ian Isaacs is going to...Ethpaña! Spain (for the layman) is the spiciest of the white countries. With small plates, grand architecture, and not-English, Spain is going to give Ian all the vibe-killing stories you get from experiencing another culture in a controlled environment without putting him in front of brown people. 

Ian’s not racist, but it took 3 months of therapy to recover from the culture shock after his internship in Santa Ana. This semester abroad will be an exciting foray into a brave new white world (sponsored by the school that brought you Ben Shapiro, then George Bush, then Sarah Huckabee Sanders and also Nixon’s Grandson?) 

For the next 6 months, everything will be the same but kinda almost different. Ian will take on a European lover, she’ll be white of course, but white from EIGHT time zones over. He’ll call her Latina repeatedly and will be quite wrong. He’ll try octopus and spit it into his napkin when no one’s looking. It’s sure to be an exciting 6 months (4 months).

Pike Girl Pees in the Pool at Dayger

On Saturday, Pi Kappa Alpha, also known as “the scary frat,” hosted their Annual Veteran’s Day pool party. PNM’s flocked to the dayger to put one foot in the water and awkwardly half-bounce to Kanye West’s gospel album. Our sources have informed us that Pike has banned Bridget Hanley, a sophomore SCC major, after she unleashed the white claw she had been holding in her bladder. 

Hanley’s best friend told The Kumquat, “Her pee came out orange because of this UTI she got from a Fiji last week. She was supposed to fuck Brooks that afternoon and go to semi with Thad. Her future is basically ruined.”  

Hanley’s statement, written on her notes app and posted on her Instagram story, read: “I’m ashamed. I’d like to apologize to Pi Kappa Alpha and especially the residents of Green Monster. I made a mistake, and am willing to give my sorority composite to any Pike to express my remorse.” We reached out to members of Pike, but they don’t know how to speak or write and were unable to comment on Hanley’s future as a Pike girl.

Breaking: The Complete Stranger You Hooked Up With Last Night Is Somehow In Two Of Your Classes

Sophomore Connor Hewitt didn’t ask for much. He just wanted to go to a mid-size school. He wanted intimate class sizes, the personal student-faculty relationships, the manageable campus. He also just wanted to make out with a girl and then never see her again.

“I had never seen this girl before in my life,” says Hewitt. “Then, suddenly, she’s everywhere I look. In my English class. Ordering at Einstein’s. Sitting next to me in Poli Sci. At my friend Chloe’s birthday party.”

The next morning, Hewitt woke up to three follow requests from her friends from high school and a text that said “ahahaha wouldn’t it be crazy if we got coffee?”

Upon further investigation, Hewitt discovered that beyond being in two of his classes, they also have the same interdisciplinary cluster, ride the same shuttle on Mondays, and are both on the Galapagos Interterm trip. She also lives six doors down from him in Grand and her big is his big’s twin.